Monday, November 7, 2016

  • 11/07/2016

Johnathan Fernandez, Alice Wetterlund and Jordan Rock give a toast with flaming drinks, explain why #ImVotingBecause and guess what busy people are on their way to accomplish.

Evangelical Stepford wifeand Trump surrogate,

whose name sounds like aNASCAR-driving serial killer,

Scottie Nell Hughes--there she is--

went on CNN last nightto complain about Jay Z,

saying that Mr. Z lacksthe moral authority

to stump for Hillarybecause of something featured

in his, quote,"one of his main videos."

Take a look.

You look at Jay Z-- and wetalked about this that night--

that, he might be working on it,but one of his main videos

starts off with a crowdthrowing mazel tov cocktails

at the police, in thisvery much anti-police message...

HARDWICK: Yeah, not...not Molotov cocktails...

the famous explodingbeer bottle weapon.

This crowd, for some reason,in one of Jay Z's "main videos,"

-(laughter) -was throwingmazel tov cocktails.

-(laughter, applause, whooping)-Mazel tov...

cocktails.

By the way, mazel tov cocktail?What is that?

I guess that would be this.Is this a mazel tov cocktail?

-I don't know.-(laughter)

Is that a mazel tov cocktail?

You all rememberhow at Jay Z's wedding

a bunch of fellasfrom Jay Z's synagogue

picked him up andcarried him around in a chair

while they chucked mazel tovcocktails at a cop car!

To life, bitches!

-Now...-(whooping, applause)

I don't drink anymore,I don't drink anymore,

but kicking backwith a mazel tov cocktail

after a long daysounds real nice.

So, comedians, I would like youto give me a toast

that you might givewith a mazel tov cocktail.

-Alice. -Here'sto burning down the society,

(Jewish accent): but not untilyou've had something to eat.

-(laughter, applause)-All right, points. Points.

Yes. Jordan.

Here's to this flaming drink

being saferthan a Samsung phone.

-All right, points. Yes.-(cheering, applause)

-Johnathan.-May this weapon bring you

as much pain and sufferingas my mother-in-law does

-when she visits.-Ah, yes. Points. Very good.

it's timefor tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

This may not comeas any surprise to you,

but this year'spresidential nominees

are the least popularof all time.

One of the main thingspeople are saying is that, uh,

they're gonna be votingfor the lesser of two evils.

But if we votefor the lesser of two evils,

we still end up with-- an evil.

-(laughter)-Uh...

but there haveto be better reasons

for electing the next presidentof our United States of America.

That's why tonight's hashtag is#ImVotingBecause.

And it's very important,you need to get out and vote,

you need to get out and voteor you can't (bleep) complain.

-(cheering, applause)-That's it. You can't...

you don't get to complain.

It is...

it is our right as Americansto bitch

as long as you vote.

As long as you vote,you can bitch all you want.

So, examples might be-- I wantto feel superior to teens,

or, I'm gonna use that "I voted"sticker to cover a scar.

I put 60 seconds on the clock,and begin.

-Johnathan. -I'm votingbecause I look like this.

-All right, points.-(laughter, whooping, applause)

Alice.

-Wait, when is it?-Uh, points.

-Uh, Johnathan.-I'm voting because if I don't,

my 12 Years a Slave screenplay book club

-would be very upset with me.-All right, points.

Alice Wetterlund.

Um, I heard 3Kand an "I voted" sticker

-gets you into Hamilton. -All right, points.

-Jordan.-I'm voting because feminism

is the new patriarchy,and I'm here for it.

-WETTERLUND: Whoo!-All right, points.

-Alice Wetterlund.-Okay, okay, I'm voting

because there's a differencebetween unpopular and evil.

-All right. Points.-Okay.

-(applause)-Jordan.

I'm voting because these fingersare not for picking,

-they're for rolling, okay?Um... -All right, points.

-(applause)-Johnathan.

I'm voting becauseI have Tuesday off, so...

Yeah, okay, points.Yeah, (bleep). Come on.

Yeah, Jordan.

I'm voting becausemy Mexican mechanic

said he'd give me a dealif I did.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Points. Alice.

Uh, I like sayingI did a civic duty.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

(laughing):You, good answer.

If the Internethas taught me anything,

it's, number one, I ruined The Walking Dead.

-Also...-(Wetterlund laughing)

People love calling--

Why'd you laugh at that?

People love calling cerealmascots "daddy".

But also, at any moment,

someone is on their wayto steal your girl.

(laughing)

Someone finally improvedon the wheel.

So in honor, in honor of the OnMy Way To Steal Your Girl meme,

comedians, I'm gonna show yousomeone on the go,

and for 250 points,I want you to tell me

what they're on their wayto do.

First,a man dealing with weight.

-All right, there he goes.-(laughter)

Where is he on his way to,Jordan?

On his way to the left,then to the wall,

and then to the hospital.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

-Yeah, just keep going out.-(applause)

He's never,for the rest of his life,

he's never ableto put that down.

-He just has to...-ROCK: He just keeps going.

He can't ever put that down.Johnathan.

On my way to make a me-shapedhole in the wall.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-WETTERLUND: Yeah.

(applause)

Next up, this raccoon rider.

(laughter)

He's not even that (bleep) good;he has training wheels.

He's not going very fast--Alice.

On my way to steal yoursquirrel.

(Hardwick laughing)

Oh, my God!

(cheering and applause)

Jordan Rock.

On my way to a Red Lobsterdumpster.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Next up, this metal man.

(laughing)

HARDWICK: (mechanical voice):Where is he on his way to?

Johnathan.

On my way to make errandsin Chernobyl.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

-Points, points.-(applause)

Alice.

On my way to the basementat Westworld.

HARDWICK:All right. Points.

Next up, this chill chow.

(audience exclaiming)

It's a (bleep)ing people mover,God damn it.

Not a dog mover-- Alice.

I'm just on my way backto my office.

I'm the head of TSA.

HARDWICK:Yeah, points.

-Points.-(applause)

Jordan.

On my way to fly Pet Blue,

because my bitch is badand boozing.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Next up, this moped masteron a mission.

Johnathan.

On my way to find Nemo.

All right, points.

Alice.

On my way to vote for Trump.(imitates gurgling)

All right, points.

Jordan.

On my way to a DUI class.

All right, poi...

Finally, something from Japan.

Something from Japan.

(children singing)

-Oh...-(bell dings)

It's really fun to seetheir inauguration ceremony.

Uh... Johnathan.

On my way to a furry funeral.

-Points.-Oh...

Just people dressed as penguins,'cause that's formal. Uh...

Crank up the happy music,we got to be happy.