Gramps DeMamp Is Dead

  • Season 5, Ep 7
  • 02/25/2015

Adam and his rambunctious father hijack Gramps DeMamp's funeral.

- YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE ME,DO YOU?

- THE EMOTIONS OF THE DAYHAVE RATTLED THE OLD NOGGIN.

- IT'S ME, BRO.

[beatboxing]BIG FAT.

COME ON, IT'S ME!

I LOST 280 POUNDS, MAN.

- WOW, DUDE.YOU LOOK HORRIBLE.

ADMITTEDLY, YOU LOOK SICK,

LIKE YOU'RE DYINGFROM SOMETHING.

- NO, ANNETTE'S GOT MEON THIS JUICE DIET, MAN.

SHE'S ACTUALLY GOTTHE WHOLE FAMILY BACK ON TRACK,

WORKING AT EASY AS PIE,HER AND GRAMPS' PIZZA CHAIN.

IT'S GREAT.

- OH, REALLY?- MM-HMM.

- THERE SHE IS,THE GOLD DIGGER

THAT STOLEGRAMPS' ENTIRE RETIREMENT FUND.

SHE FREAKING BLEW IT ALLON A SUCCESSFUL PIZZA CHAIN

INSTEAD OF BLOWING AT PECHANGAHOTEL CASINO AND RESORT,

WHICH WHAT A DEMAMPWOULD DO.

- BODY, BODY, BODY.

SHE STARTED EASY AS PIE?- YEAH.

- SO YOU'RE TELLING ME SHE'S GOTACCESS TO A LOT OF PIZZA.

- YEAH.

- THAT'S COOL.

- BLUE KNIGHT.

DUDE, I HARDLY RECOGNIZE YOU.

YOU CUT YOUR HAIR OFF.

MAN, FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDSGET HAIRCUTS, RIGHT?

- I THINKYOU HAVE THE WRONG GUY.

FIND ANOTHER PEW.

- BLUE KNIGHT,IT'S ME, BLAKE.

I CAME TO YOUR TOURNAMENTOF CHAMPIONS WITH ADAM.

YOU, LIKE, KICKED ASS, MAN.

AFTERWARDS WE WERE JUST DRINKINGPORT WINE IN THE PARKING LOT.

WE GOT SO HAMMERED.WE SWORD FOUGHT, DUDE.

BUT NOT LIKE THAT.

WITH OUR WIENERS.

I SAW YOUR NUTS, DUDE.

- WELL, YEAH.THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

I'M NOT THE BLUE KNIGHT ANYMORE.

MY NAME'S TONY DEMAMP.

GET LOST.- OKAY.

WELL, I DON'T KNOWIF YOU REMEMBER THIS,

BUT, UM, YOU SAIDYOU'D KNIGHT ME.

- I SAIDI DON'T REMEMBER.

NOW YOU EITHER PAYYOUR RESPECTS,

OR YOU GET THE HELLOUT OF HERE.

- HEY, GUYS,I'D LOVE TO LEAVE NOW.

I HATE THIS,SO IF WE COULD LEAVE RIGHT NOW--

- THANK YOU, YES.- PEOPLE ARE BEING WEIRD.

THEY'RE ACTINGLIKE SOMEONE DIED.

- YEAH.- YOU KNOW.

BUT, LIKE, IN A NOT FUN WAY.

- YEAH.- YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SHOULD GETTHE PARTY STARTED.

BUT WITH YOUR HELP.I'M GONNA NEED BOTH OF YOU.

COME.COME WITH.

[clearing throat]

- MY DADFREAKING RULES, DUDE.

- YEAH, HE'S, UH...

HOW OLD WAS HEWHEN HE HAD YOU, AGAIN?

- I KNOW HE STARTEDBONING AT 13, AS DEMAMPS DO.

SO 13, I THINK.- WOW.

- THAT GUY FREAKING PLOWS TOO.

- WE ARE ON FIRE TONIGHT!- YEAH, A TOTAL PARTY ANIMAL.

UH, HAVE YOU EVERNOTICED, THOUGH,

THAT HE'S OBSESSEDWITH ONE-UPPING YOU?

- NO WAY.

- HERE THEY COMETO SNUFF THE ROOSTER!

- HE LETS ME WINAT A TON OF STUFF,

UNLESS IT'S, YOU KNOW,

TELLING FUNNY STORIESOR BANGING CHICKS

OR BEING A BADASSOR ANY OTHER

OF HIS, LIKE, DESIGNATED AREAS.

THERE'S RULES.THERE'S RULES TO--

- ♪ AH - YES, WHATEVER, MAN.

ALL I'M SAYING IS, OKAY,

YOU CAN'T THINKTHAT THIS IS A GOOD IDEA.

GOING INTO THE FORESTAND BURNING YOUR GRANDFATHER

LIKE A WARLOCK IN THE MIDDLEOF THE WOODS IS A GOOD IDEA,

'CAUSE IT'S NOT, DUDE.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE A BETTER IDEATHAN THIS.

- HEY, GUYS, LET'S MAKETHE NEXT RIGHT INTO THE WOODS,

AND LET'S CRENATE GRAMPS.

- ALL RIGHT,WHAT ARE WE DOING?

- ALL RIGHT,HERE'S THE PLAN.

WE'RE GONNA BREAK INAND CRENATE GRAMPS' BODY

IN ANNETTE'SVERY OWN PIZZA OVENS.

- OH, GOD DAMN IT.

GOD DAMN IT, ADAM.

THAT'S THE SAME PLAN, MAN,

EXCEPT IN, LIKE,A STUPIDER LOCATION, DUDE.

- IT'S A DIFFERENT IDEA.- ALL RIGHT,

AND IT'S CREMATE,NOT CRENATE.

- OKAY, DOES THE BODYTURN TO CREAM?

- NO, IT DOES NOT.

- IT DOES NOT TURN TO CREAM.IT TURNS TO ASH.

CRENATE.- IT'S CRENATE.

- IT'S CRENATE!- ALL RIGHT, ADAM.

I'M NOT GONNA WATCH YOU BURNYOUR DEAD GRANDPA'S BODY

IN AN OVEN, MAN,ALL RIGHT?

THAT WILL HAUNTMY DREAMS, OKAY?

AND I'VE BEEN HAVING GOOD DREAMSLATELY, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S ME, JESSICA ALBA,YOU KNOW, WE'RE DRY HUMPING.

I HAVE WALRUS TUSKS.

- OKAY, WELL IT WAS YOUR IDEATO ME TO HAVE AN IDEA, SO...

- YEAH, ADAM I GOT TO SAY,THIS PLAN'S STUPID AS HELL.

GIVE ME THE KEYS, I'M GONNADO THIS THING THE RIGHT WAY.

- I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOUTHE KEYS 'CAUSE

WE'RE GONNA DO ITTHE RIGHT WAY,

WHICH IS MY WAY,FOR ONE WAY.

- NO, YOU GIVE ME THE KEYS!NO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

STOP JINGLING ON--I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

- NO, NO!NO!

NO!

- DUDE, YOU DON'T HAVETO SWALLOW THE KEY!

- YEAH, HE DID.

TAUGHT HIM THAT MOVE MYSELF.

YOU PIECE OF [bleep]!- RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

SOMEBODY'LL LET US OUTIN THE MORNING.

- THE MORNING?KNIGHT ME REAL QUICK.

LET'S DO A SWEETDOUBLE-TEAM MOVE.

LEGION OF DOOM, BRO.JUST BOOM!

- I'M A MAINTENANCE MANAT A PIZZERIA.

BESIDES, I HAVEN'T SEENYOU COMMIT AN ACT OF VALOR,

WHICH IS A KNIGHTHOOD PRE-REQ.

DUH.- HEY, OKAY.

I HAVE DONE A LOTOF VALIANT STUFF, OKAY?

- OH.- OKAY, FOR INSTANCE.

I HELPED A DUDEIN A WHEELCHAIR

WIPE HIS BUTTIN A MOVIE THEATER BATHROOM.

AND IT WAS MESSY.HE HAD A HAIRY BUTT CRACK.

YOU KNOW WHAT?FINE, YOU SUCK, DUDE.

I'LL GET US OUT OF HEREIN A STUPID WAY.

WOULD'VE BEEN A LOT COOLERIF WE, YOU KNOW,

KNIGHTED OUR WAYOUT OF HERE.

- [groans]

[phone ringing]

- HMM?HUH?

[screams]

OH, MY GOD!OH, MY GOD.

BLAKE, DUDE!I'M IN A CASKET!

I'M TRAPPED IN HERE!I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM!

YOU GOT TO HELP ME!OH, MY GOD!

OH, THANK GOD!

- [screams]

- PRITCHARD!WHERE IS MY HUSBAND?

- I DON'T--THEY SAID SOMETHINGABOUT A PARK.

- OH, VAN BUREN PARK.

THAT'S WHERE GEORGE AND I USEDTO GO AND MAKE LOVE IN PUBLIC.

NEVER MIND, I GOT TO GO.- WAIT, HANG ON A SECOND.

YOU STILL OWE ME A LIFETIMEOF PIZZA, HO.

- YOUR LIFETIME'S OVER, BITCH.- WAIT, NO, NO, SIR?

SIR, SIR.PLEASE!

BLAKE, BLAKE,THEY'RE GOING TO THE PARK,

BUT THEY TRAPPED ME IN HERE.

I'M LOCKED IN HERE.I'M AT THE FUNERAL HOME.

[both talking at once]

- I'LL COME AND SAVE YOU.I'M GONNA SAVE YOU.

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA SIT HERETHE WHOLE TIME?

- HEY, STOP!

- LAY ON, PEASANT.- DON'T.

- OH, YEAH!

THAT'S IT.RIGHT THERE, HUH?

THE INTENSITY.

THAT'S UNLIKE ANY INTENSITYI'VE EVER SEEN IN ANY

DINNER THEATER PERFORMANCE,

AND I'VE SEEN A LOTOF DINNER THEATER, MAN.

I SAW HALL AND OATES ACTUALLYIN THIS INTIMATE LITTLE--

- IT WAS THAT INTENSITYTHAT GOT ME FIRED

FROM MEDIEVAL TIMES.

ONE NIGHT,I GOT TOO REVVED UP,

AND I SPEARED YELLOW KNIGHT'SHORSE RIGHT THROUGH THE LEG.

THEY HAD TO SHOOT HIM,

RIGHT THERE IN FRONTOF SOME KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

- THEY HAD TO SHOOTYELLOW KNIGHT?

- THE HORSE!- YEAH.

- AND THEN I MET ANNETTE,AND I CUT MY HAIR.

SHE GAVE ME A JOB,

AND SHE MADE MY REALIZE THAT IHAD TO LEAVE THE ARENA FOREVER.

- UNFORTUNATELY,YOU'RE IN MY ARENA NOW, BITCH!

[laughs]

[grunting]

YEAH, YOU SEE THAT?

YOU'RE NOT EVEN THAT GOODAT SWORD FIGHTING ANYMORE!

YOU'RE NOT A BLUE KNIGHT,YOU'RE A BITCH KNIGHT.

- OH, YEAH?- YEP, THAT'S--ALL RIGHT.

- AHH!- NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO.

[groaning]

BLUE KNIGHT IS BACK.

- THAT FELT SO GOOD.

- HELLO?

- HEY, 40s!- YEAH.

WHOO!

- YOU KNOW,GRAMPS WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD.

YOU SAVEDTHIS FINE FAMILY.

- THANKS FOR LETTING MEBE THE HERO,

AND FOR NOT ONE-UPPING ME, DAD.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW,THERE'S ONE OTHER TINY THING

I SHOULD TELL YOUBEFORE I GET DRUNKER

THAN YOU EVER COULD.

- MM?

- I'M NOT ACTUALLY YOUR FATHER.- WHAT?

- SON,I'M YOUR BROTHER, BRO.

DAD TOOK OFF,

AND ME AND MOM FIGUREDTHE MOST LOGICAL THING TO DO

WOULD BE TO LIETO YOUR FACE FOREVER.

- THAT'S COOL.

- YEAH?

- 'CAUSE YOU WEREA HORRIBLE DAD.

- YEAH.

- YOU'D PROBABLY MAKEAN AWESOME BROTHER.

YOU LIED TO MEMY WHOLE LIFE!

THAT'S HILARIOUS.- YEAH!

both: YEAH!

- ADAM, WHAT'S UP, DUDE?

I'M A KNIGHT.

HOW'S--HOW'S THIS ALL GOING?

- I COULD'VE KILLED MYSELF.

IT WAS REALLY DANGEROUS.

SO IT WAS AWESOME.

HEY, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCEMY BROTHER, DAD.

- WHAT?- I BELIEVE THIS MAKES US EVEN.

- UH, I BELIEVE I ASKED YOU

FOR A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTIONTO PIZZA, SO...

- WELL, THENI WILL JUST GO AHEAD

AND TAKE THIS TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

- NO, NO, WE'RE COOL.WE'RE GOOD.

WE'RE GOOD.WE'RE EVEN.

- OKAY?HEY, GUYS.

I JUST WANTED TO LETYOU KNOW THAT I GET IT.

I TOTALLY GET ITABOUT THE DEMAMPS.

THEY DO EVERYTHING JUST A LITTLEDIFFERENT, AND SO DID GRAMPS,

I'M SURE YOU KNOW--THE SCULPTURES.

YOU HAVEN'T SEE--HAVE YOU SEEN THE SCULPTURES?

YEAH, BECAUSEI HAD THEM DESTROYED.

IT'S VERY DARK STUFF,

EXTREMELY DISTURBING.

ANYHOO, I GUESS IT'S ABOUT TIMETO, YOU KNOW,

GET THIS BITCH-ASS PARTYSTARTED!

- OH, YES.- WHOA.

- THAT DID NOT SEEM NATURAL.