CC Presents: Tom Rhodes

  • Season 5, Ep 6
  • 08/05/2001

FIRST OF ALL, CAN YOU BELIEVE

THIS GUY'S OUR PRESIDENT, HMM?

YEAH.

YOU CAN SEE THE STRINGS MAN,

ON THE CHEAP PUPPET SHOW.

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE THE

STRINGS ON THE CHEAP PUPPET

SHOW.

IT'S REALLY SAD THE FATE OF THE

NATION, THE ELECTION, WAS

DECIDED IN THE STATE OF FLORID,

'CAUSE I GREW UP IN FLORIDA

EVERYBODY.

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

AND UH, WELL, YOU SHOULD WAIT

TO HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT

IT FIRST.

FLORIDA IS THE SECOND CHANCE

STATE EVERYBODY.

PEOPLE WHO'VE SCREWED UP IN

OTHER STATES MOVE TO FLORIDA

FOR THEIR SECOND CHANCE.

THERE SHOULD BE A SIGN AT THE

BORDER THAT SAYS: WELCOME TO

FLORIDA, (BLEEP) ROLLS DOWN

HILL.

(LAUGHTER)

PEOPLE IN FLORIDA SHOULD NOT BE

MAKING DECISIONS FOR ANYBODY,

MAN.

THEY HAVE HURRICANES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TEND TO DO

WHEN A HURRICANE IS COMING?

THEY TELL YA TO PUT MASKING TAPE

ON YOUR WINDOWS.

TAPE, LIKE AN X.

IT'S LIKE: NO HURRICANE.

NO.

STAY AWAY.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THEY ALL SAY TO FILL YOUR

BATHTUB FULL OF WATER SO YOU'LL

HAVE PLENTY OF FRESH DRINKING

WATER.

APPARENTLY, THESE PEOPLE HAVE

NEVER SEEN MY BATHTUB.

I'D DRINK GASOLINE BEFORE

I'D DRINK ANYTHING OUT OF THERE,

MAN.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE GOT GERMS THE SIZE OF

TURTLES FOR GOD'S SAKE.

CAN'T BE TAKIN' NO CHANCES

ON THE TURTLE GERMS.

IN FLORIDA THEY HAVE ALLIGATORS.

ALLIGATORS NEVER EAT BIG PEOPLE

LIKE YOU AND I.

THEY ONLY EAT LITTLE CHILDREN

AND PETS.

AND SAD AS THAT SOUNDS,

WHENEVER THEY INTERVIEW THE

PARENTS ON THE NEWS AFTERWARDS,

YOU CAN ALWAYS KIND OF TELL WHY

THE KID GOT EATEN.

(LAUGHTER)

(SOUTHERN TWANG) WELL, JUNIOR

WAS AT THE EDGE OF THE WATER

AND HE WAS POKIN' THIS ALLIGATOR

WITH A STICK.

(LAUGHTER)

WE LOST A GOOD ONE, I'M SURE.

SURELY THE SPACE PROGRAM WILL

SUFFER.

NOW THAT JUNIOR IS NO MORE.

MAN.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY I WANTED

TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.

THAT WAS LIKE MY FIRST DREAM

IN LIFE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO CHILDHOOD

DREAMS LIKE THAT, HUH?

HOW COME THIS AIN'T A ROOM FULL

OF BALLERINAS AND FIREMEN?

HMM?

I KNOW WHERE I LOST THE DESIRE

TO BE AN ASTRONAUT.

I HEARD YOU HAD TO BE GOOD AT

MATH AND I SUCK AT MATH.

NATURALLY, I'M FROM FLORIDA.

(LAUGHTER)

AND I SUCK AT MATH BECAUSE OF

MR. (BLEEP), MAN.

IT'S MR. (BLEEP) WAS MY ALGEBRA

TEACHER.

IT'S MR. (BLEEP)'S FAULT I'M NOT

EXPLORING THE MOON TODAY.

'CAUSE MR. (BLEEP)'S WOULD

ALWAYS ROLL HIS CHALK IN HIS

HAND WHEN HE WOULD TALK TO THE

CLASS.

THEN WHEN HE'D TURN AROUND

TO WRITE ON THE CHALKBOARD,

HE'D ALWAYS DISCREETLY SCRATCH

HIS BALLS.

AND HE WOULD ALWAYS TURN AROUND

WITH THESE BIG CHALK

FINGERPRINTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

RIGHT ON HIS NUT SACK, MAN.

I WAS ALWAYS FAR TOO BUSY

LAUGHING AT THE CHALK

FINGERPRINTS TO PAY ATTENTION

TO ANY OF THE MATH GOING ON.

TOM, WOULD YOU CARE TO TELL THE

CLASS WHAT X MEANS?

X MEANS IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO

SCRATCH YOUR BALLS AGAIN.

THAT'S ALL I KNOW.

WHEN AN X POPS UP, IT IS A

NUT SCRATCHIN' FESTIVAL AT

THE CHALKBOARD.

HERE TONIGHT.

MMM.

YEAH.

YOU TWO GIRLS FOUND EACH OTHER.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S SOMEBODY FOR EVERYBODY

PEOPLE.

DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE, MAN.

RESPECT IT IF YOU GOT IT.

LOVE IS POWERFUL STUFF, MAN.

LOVE WILL MAKE YOU MOVE ALL THE

WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND SELL

ALL YOUR (BLEEP)...

JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THAT

PERSON.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

MMM.

YEAH, HUH, SEE...

WE'VE ALL HAD OUR OWN VIETNAM,

HAVEN'T WE?

YOU KNOW THAT ONE RELATIONSHIP

THAT STILL WAKES YOU UP IN

THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

OH, GOD, OH, GOD, I THOUGHT

I WAS STILL THERE, MAN.

OH, WHEW.

OH, IT WAS SO REAL I COULDN'T

BELIEVE IT.

HA, HA.

THAT'S WHY HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT

THE SMARTEST ANIMAL.

I DON'T KNOW HOW WE GOT TO THE

TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN.

MOST HUMAN BEINGS HAVE A SERIES

OF DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS

IN THEIR LIFETIME, RIGHT?

DO YOU KNOW THAT ALMOST EVERY

ANIMAL IN THE KINGDOM HAS

THE SAME MATE FOREVER?

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

A WHALE HAS THE SAME WHALE MATE

FOR IT'S ENTIRE EXISTENCE, AHHH!

A PENGUIN, MAN, A PENGUIN HAS

THE SAME LITTLE PENGUIN FOR IT'S

WHOLE LITTLE PENGUIN LIFE.

THINK HOW MANY SCREWED UP

RELATIONSHIPS YOU'VE HAD.

HOW MANY TIMES YOU COULDN'T MAKE

IT WORK.

A PENGUIN CAN DO IT BETTER THAN

YOU CAN.

THINK ABOUT IT, MAN.

A PENGUIN CAN LOOK OUT ON A SEA

FULL OF EIGHT MILLION OTHER

PENGUINS, ALL LOOK EXACTLY THE

SAME AND GO: THERE'S MY BABY.

DEE, DOO, DA DOO.

(LAUGHTER AND

IT WAS UGLY... MY PARENTS ARGUED

ALL THE TIME BEFORE THEY GOT

DIVORCED.

I CAME HOME MY PARENTS STARTED

WEARING THEIR WEDDING RINGS

ON THEIR MIDDLE FINGERS.

LOOK AT YOUR RING.

LOOK AT IT.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY ANYBODY WOULD EVER BEAT

THEIR CHILDREN.

WHEN DAMAGING THEM

PSYCHOLOGICALLY IS SO MUCH MORE

PERMANENT.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M SO SORRY IF YOU GOT

THAT JOKE.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE FROM A BROKEN

HOME, TOO.

MY PARENTS ARGUED ALL THE TIME.

I WOULD SWORE, I WOULD NEVER BE

IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE

WHO LIKED TO ARGUE, BUT MY LAST

GIRLFRIEND, THAT'S ALL SHE LIKED

TO DO.

AND I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS

TROUBLE ON THE FIRST DATE.

MAN, WE'RE HAVING DINNER,

FROM ACROSS THE TABLE SHE GOES,

WHAT KIND OF DRUGS DO YOU LIKE?

I'M LIKE, WHAT AN HONEST

QUESTION.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN HONEST ANSWER,

MAN.

I SAID, YOU KNOW, I REALLY LIKE

SMOKING WEED.

AND ONCE A YEAR FOR SPIRITUAL

PURPOSES, I LIKE TO DO

MUSHROOMS.

AND IF I'M WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE

AT THE RIGHT TIME, ECSTASY IS

ALWAYS FUN.

SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH THIS BLANK

LOOK ON HER FACE AND SAID:

I SAID, WHAT KIND OF DOGS DO YOU

LIKE?

OOPS.

I DON'T LIKE DOGS.

UNLESS THEY'VE GOT A BAG OF WEED

TIED TO THEIR COLLAR.

HERE, POOCHY, POOCHY, POOCHY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GIRL RIGHT NOW.

I HOPE IT WORKS.

I DON'T EVER WANT TO BE SINGLE.

IT'S FRIGHTENING BEING SINGLE

IN TODAY'S WORLD, HUH?

WITH DISEASES THAT'LL KILL YOU.

DOING ANYTHING WITH ANYBODY NOW

YOU HAVE TO SPEND THE WHOLE NEXT

DAY PRAYING AND SCRUBBING.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE IN THE SHOWER: OH, LORD,

OH, LORD I'LL WASH EVERYTHING

AGAIN REAL GOOD, LORD.

I'LL CLEAN MY POOPY HOLE

REAL GOOD, LORD.

'CAUSE THE LORD LIKES A CLEAN

POOPY HOLE, EVERYBODY.

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT A THRILL TO BE A MEMBER OF

THE CONDOM GENERATION.

HMM?

DON'T YOU REALIZE EVERY

HUMAN BEING IN THE HISTORY OF

HUMAN BEINGS GOT TO FEEL WHAT IT

FELT LIKE TO MAKE LOVE NATURALLY

AND I PUT A BALLOON ON MY

(BLEEP).

WHAT A HAPPY PERIOD IN HUMAN

HISTORY TO BE LIVING THROUGH.

AND THAT OH SO ROMANTIC MOMENT

WHEN YOU TURN TO YOUR LOVER:

EXCUSE ME LOVER, WHILE I ROLL

A BALLOON ON MY (BLEEP).

AND TRY TO KEEP AN ERECTION

THROUGH THE SHAME AND

EMBARRASSMENT OF YOU WATCHING ME

ROLL A BALLOON ON MY DICK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

BECAUSE WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU'VE

BEEN YOU LITTLE TRAMP.

(LAUGHTER)

WHERE IS THE DIGNITY, MAN, HUH?

LAST YEAR I HAD A PURPLE CONDOM.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS PURPLE,

I JUST OPENED THE PACKAGE AND IT

POPPED OUT AND IT WAS PURPLE.

COME ON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT

SHOULD BE CLEARLY MARKED,

DON'T YOU AGREE?

I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT TO BE REAL

CLOSE WITH A WOMAN TO COME AT

HER WITH A PURPLE (BLEEP).

IF YOU DIDN'T WRITE "WHEN DOVES

CRY", YOU BETTER NOT BE POKING

A PURPLE (BLEEP) AT ANYBODY.

OR UNLESS YOU'RE BARNEY THE

CHILDREN'S DINOSAUR.

YOU KNOW, HEY, AS LONG AS IT'S

COLOR COORDINATED.

I'VE BEEN PLAYING, I'VE BEEN

PERFORMING IN EUROPE A LOT

EVERYBODY.

I'VE BEEN PLAYING IN--

I WAS JUST IN ENGLAND AND THAT'S

A REAL HONOR FOR ME TO GO TO THE

HONKEY MOTHER LAND.

GET IN TOUCH WITH THE ORIGIN OF

THE DORKY HONKEYNESS AND WHERE

IT COMES FROM, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE HARD ON AMERICANS

THOUGH, MAN.

THEY'LL HECKLE YA IN ENGLAND AS

AN AMERICAN FOR THINGS YOU HAVE

NO IDEA, SCREW YOU AND THE

PANAMA CANAL TREATY OF 1874.

THAT'S GOT NOTHIN TO DO...

WHA... THEY'RE HARD ON

AMERICANS, MAN.

THEY FIND OUT YOU'RE AMERICAN

AND YOU BECOME THE SUGGESTION

BOX FOR AMERICA.

THESE PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU

EVERYTHING THAT THEY THINK

IS WRONG WITH AMERICA.

OH, YOU'RE AMERICAN, HUH?

AMERICANS ARE FAT AND STUPID

AND LAZY.

LIKE I'M GOING TO COME BACK

HERE.

COME HERE EVERYBODY, HUDDLE UP.

COME HERE, I'VE GOT A MESSAGE.

(LAUGHTER)

SCREW THEM, MAN.

I COULDN'T FIND ENGLISH MUFFINS

THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT WAS STUPID.

DON'T CALL 'EM ENGLISH MUFFINS

IF YOU CAN'T FIND IT IN ENGLAND.

THE FOOD IS TERRIBLE THERE,

THAT'S NO JOKE.

IF YOU GO THERE, DON'T EVEN

BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

WEAR WHAT YOU'VE GOT ON AND

BRING A SUITCASE FULL OF

SANDWICHES.

(LAUGHTER)

THEY GOT THIS ENGLISH BREAKFAST,

MAN.

BEWARE.

WHAT MAKES IT AN ENGLISH

BREAKFAST, THEY POUR BAKED BEANS

ALL OVER YOUR EGGS.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

PRECISELY.

WHAT AN INCONSIDERATE WAY TO

START YOUR DAY.

WITH A BUNCH OF ASS FUEL.

THE FIRST TIME I WAS IN ENGLAND,

MAN, AND MY EGGS SHOWED UP WITH

BEANS ALL OVER IT AND I THOUGHT:

WAITER, THERE'S BEEN A MISHAP

IN THE KITCHEN.

AH, SOMEONE MUST HAVE STUMBLED.

AND THE DUDE GETS ALL SASSY

WITH ME, MAN.

NO, THAT'S ENGLISH BREAKFAST,

THAT'S HOW IT COMES.

WELL, THE GERMANS SHOULD HAVE

DROPPED COOKBOOKS ON YOU MOTHER

(BLEEP).

IN AMERICA, ALL YOU EVER GET IS

THE NEGATIVE SIDE TO DRINKIN'.

HE GOT DRUNK AND KILLED A BUS

LOAD OF CHILDREN.

C'MON, MAN.

IT'S TIME SOMEONE POINTED OUT

THE GOOD IN ALL, HUH?

DRINKING CREATES CONVERSATION,

RIGHT?

YOU'VE GOT TO CALL PEOPLE THE

NEXT DAY AND APOLOGIZE TO THEM.

HEY, THAT'S GOOD FOR

FRIENDSHIPS.

HEY, SORRY I PEED ON YOUR DOG,

MAN.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD LIVEN UP THE

PARTY AT THE TIME.

WHO KNEW YOU'D BE SO ANGRY?

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE TO DRINK AND HANG OUT.

I DON'T LIKE TO DO SHOTS OF HARD

LIQUOR.

'CAUSE I CAN'T DO IT COOL.

WHENEVER I DO A SHOT I ALWAYS DO

THAT BOOZE GRIMACE,

YOU KNOW THAT FACE?

THAT'S WHY I COULDA NEVER BEEN

A SHERIFF IN THE OLD WEST.

I'DA BEEN IN THE SALOON, HEY,

I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU OUTLAWS YOU

GOT TO GET OUT OF TOWN OR DEAL

WITH ME.

(LAUGHTER)

HALT.

STOP IT BAD MAN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TOM RHODES>> I GOT BAD HABITS.

I SMOKE CIGARETTES, BUT HEY

THERE'S WORSE HABITS, YOU KNOW.

THOSE COUNTRY HILLBILLIES DO

THAT TOBACCO STUFF IN THEIR LIP,

THAT (BLEEP) STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT SENSATION

IT GIVES THEM, MAYBE IT HELPS

THEM HATE MINORITIES BETTER

OR SOMETHING.

RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THIS,

MAN.

THEY HAD A DUDE ON T.V. LAST

YEAR, MAN.

AH, 20/20 OR ONE OF THOSE SHOWS,

RIGHT, AND THE DUDE'S DONE THAT

STUFF, THE TOBACCO, AND HE GOT

CANCER AND THEY HAD TO REMOVE

HIS JAW.

DID ANYBODY SEE THAT?

OH, IT WAS GRUESOME.

THE DUDE HAD NO CHIN.

THE DUDE, HAD NO CHIAN.

HIS LIPS JUST WENT.

STRAIGHT DOWN TO HIS CHEST, MAN.

HE WAS ON T.V. BEING INTERVIEWED

BY THEM.

I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS TO HAPPEN.

I'M LOOKING AT THIS GUY

AND I'M THINKING: HOW DOES

THIS GUY FOLD PILLOWCASES?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, UNLESS YOU WANT

AN UNRULY LINEN CLOSET...

STAY AWAY FROM THAT.

HMM?

OUR LITTLE FRAGILE BLUE MARBLE

OF THE EARTH.

AH, CHINA.

WE SIGNED A FREE TRADE AGREEMENT

WITH CHINA LAST YEAR, EVERYBODY.

DOESN'T MATTER, THEY MAKE

EVERYTHING IN CHINA ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, WHENEVER YOU BUY SOME

CHEAP, GOOFY STUFF, IT ALWAYS

SAYS MADE IN CHINA ON IT.

I THINK CHINA MUST BE THIS

REALLY MAGICAL PLACE, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE THEY MAKE EVERYTHING

WEIRD AND GOOFY THERE.

I GOT THIS IMAGE OF CHINA,

LIKE YOU COULD BE IN ANY CITY

IN CHINA AT LIKE SEVEN A.M. AND

EVERYBODY'S HEADING OFF TO WORK.

YOU'D OVER HEAR STUFF LIKE,

HEY XIN LA HAVE FUN AT THE

SILLY JESTER HAT FACTORY.

YEAH, MAN, ARE YOU STILL AT

THE BEAN BAG CHAIR ASSEMBLY

PLANT?

AH, NO.

THAT COUNTRY, THAT COMPANY

DECIDED TO CHANGE DIRECTIONS.

WE'RE MAKING THEM FINGER CUFFS

NOW.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AMERICA HAS A UNIQUE WAY OF

SCREWING PEOPLE UP, YOU KNOW?

I WAS IN TEXAS A COUPLE OF

MONTHS AGO, I MET A WHITE

SUPREMACIST.

ARE THERE ANY WHITE SUPREMACISTS

HERE?

THEY NEVER GO TO COMEDY SHOWS.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA REACH THESE

PEOPLE?

WHAT A SILLY CONCEPT.

A WHITE MASTER RACE.

ANYBODY WHO EVER STUDIED BIOLOGY

KNOWS, THE MORE YOU MIX THE

GENETIC CODES THE STRONGER

OUR IMMUNE SYSTEMS WILL BECOME

TO FIGHT DISEASES.

AND WE'LL ALL ACTUALLY LIVE

LONGER AS A PEOPLE IF YOU MIX

THE RACES.

KEEP MIXING THE RACES UNTIL

WE'RE ALL THE SAME GRAYISH

COLOR.

(LAUGHTER)

THEN THERE WOULD BE NO MORE

RACISM ONCE WE'RE ALL THE SAME

SHADE, MAN.

HEY, GRAY!

WHO YOU CALLING GRAY, GRAY?

AND THEN WE'LL ACTUALLY BE ABLE

TO HATE SOMEONE FOR THE PERSON

THAT THEY ARE.

(CHEERS AND

DIFFERENT RACES, AND, AH,

WHEN I LIVED IN NEW YORK CITY,

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE THESE

ETHNIC DAY PARADES.

I WOULD GET ENVIOUS.

I ADMIT IT.

I'D WATCH THESE PARADES AND GO,

HUH...

MAYBE ONE DAY MY PEOPLE,

YOU KNOW.

YOU NEVER SEE A PARADE FOR ME.

YOU NEVER SEE A QUARTER ENGLISH,

QUARTER FRENCH, QUARTER ITALIAN,

QUARTER DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL

YOU REALLY ARE PARADE.

HEY, IT'S CONFUSED BASTARD

HONKEY DAY PARADE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I'M A QUARTER EVERYTHING.

MY ANCESTORS SCREWED ABOUT

EVERYBODY.

I WISH I HAD SOME MELANIN SO I

DON'T BURN SO BAD AT THE BEACH.

OH, THANK GOD, YOU GOT THAT.

THEY DIDN'T GET THAT PART IN

TEXAS AT ALL, MAN.

MELANIN?

WHAT'S MELANIN?

EVERYBODY SHOULD KNOW WHAT

MELANIN IS, MAN.

I THINK THAT'S WHERE RACISM

COMES FROM.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE JEALOUS OF

PEOPLE WITH MELANIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S WHERE ALL THE HATRED

STARTED.

IT COMES FROM THOUSANDS OF YEARS

OF WHITE PEOPLE GETTING

SUNBURNED AT THE BEACH.

IT COMES FROM WHITE PEOPLE

GETTING ALL PINK AND FLAKY

AND CRISPY.

OW, OW, OW, DON'T TOUCH ME!

DAMNIT!

PEOPLE WITH MELANIN DON'T HAVE

THIS PROBLEM!

(LAUGHTER)

I'LL GIVE THEM LOWER WAGES!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S HOW IT STARTED, MAN.

A BAD BURN, A LONG TIME AGO.

THAT'S HOW IT STARTED.

TOM RHODES>> I'VE BEEN SPENDING

A LOT OF TIME IN EUROPE, MAN.

I, AH, BEEN ACTUALLY DATING

A GIRL IN AMSTERDAM, YEAH.

MY LIFE'S TERRIBLE RIGHT NOW.

IT'S LIKE I WENT TO AMSTERDAM A

FEW YEARS AGO, AND I WAS HOPING

I COULD MEET A CUTE DUTCH GIRL.

YOU KNOW HOW YOUR IMAGINATION

GOES CRAZY WHEN YOU'RE ON

VACATION?

I WAS LIKE, MAYBE I COULD LIVE

IN A WINDMILL?

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, MAYBE I COULD BE A TULIP

FARMER, YOU KNOW?

BUT, AH, THERE'S A BIG

MISCONCEPTION ABOUT AMSTERDAM.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK ALL DRUGS

ARE LEGAL IN AMSTERDAM,

AND THAT'S NOT THE TRUTH.

ONLY MARIJUANA, HASH AND

MUSHROOMS.

AND THEY HAVE STIFFER PENALTIES

FOR HARDER DRUGS, LIKE COCAINE

AND HEROINE THAN WE DO AND THEY

HAVE THE LOWEST PERCENTAGE OF

DRUG ADDICTS IN ALL OF EUROPE.

SO ANYWAY...

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

I WAS IN AMSTERDAM LAST SUMMER,

AND I HAD A HEADACHE AND I WAS

ON MY WAY TO THE DRUGSTORE TO

GET SOME ASPIRIN AND

I REMEMBERED: HEY, MUSHROOMS

ARE LEGAL HERE.

I COULD TURN THIS HEADACHE INTO

A MAGIC CARPET RIDE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

NOW I WANT THE CHILDREN AT HOME

TO SEE THROUGH THE STORY AND SEE

THAT IT'S REALLY A BAD STORY

THAT I'M TELLING.

THIS IS REALLY AN UH, UH, UH,

SAY NO TO DRUGS PIECE...

SO, I GOT SOME MUSHROOMS,

AND I'M TRIPPING MY BALLS OFF.

IT'S A NICE HOT, WARM, SUMMER

NIGHT, MAN.

THERE'S THIS BEAUTIFUL PARK,

VONDA PARK.

IT'S LIKE THE CENTRAL PARK OF

AMSTERDAM.

AND I'M JUST RUNNIN' THROUGH

THIS PARK, MAN.

I'M FEELIN' BEAUTIFUL.

I KICKED OFF MY SHOES; I DIDN'T

CARE ABOUT THE SHOES.

I JUST LEFT THEM AND

I'M RUNNIN'.

I'M FEELIN' BEAUTIFUL.

I LOOKED AROUND AND NO ONE'S

IN THIS PARK.

I JUST STARTED RIPPING OFF

MY CLOTHES.

I'M RUNNING NAKED THROUGH THIS

PARK.

I'M COMMUNICATING WITH THE ONE

TRUE GOD, THE LITTLE PLANTS

WERE TALKING TO ME.

TELLING ME I WAS SAFE IN GOD'S

PERFECTLY BALANCED UNIVERSE

AND THAT THEY'D WATCH MY SHOES.

(LAUGHTER)

HOW COME YOU NEVER SEE THAT

PICTURE WHEN YOU'RE IN SCHOOL?

REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG AND

IN SCHOOL AND THEY SHOW YOU A

PICTURE OF SOMEONE ON DRUGS AND

HE'S ALWAYS IN AN ALLEY MANGLED

AND SCREWED UP, RIGHT?

HE'S GOT ONE SHOE ON AND LEAVES

IN HIS HAIR.

THEY NEVER SHOW YOU THE HAPPY,

RUNNING, NAKED THROUGH THE PARK

PICTURE, MAN.

(LAUGHTER AN

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