CC Presents: Rocky LaPorte

  • 06/09/2005

ARE YOU GOOD?

Audience: YEAH!

Rocky LaPorte: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

I AH, I'M GOOD NOW, LADIES AND

GENTLEMEN.

>> WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Rocky LaPorte: YEAH, HOW YOU

DOING?

I UH...

[LAUGHTER]

LISTEN LAST WEEK WHAT HAPPENED,

FOLKS.

I HAD TO GO TO COURT, YOU KNOW

ON UH TUESDAY.

MY FRIGGIN LAWYER DON'T SHOW UP.

I END UP IN FRONT OF THIS JUDGE,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL HE'S

TALKING ABOUT.

HE GOES HE GOES UH, "DO YOU HAVE

COUNCIL?"

I GO, "NO I GOT A STICK SHIFT."

[LAUGHTER]

HE GOES, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?"

I GO, "I DON'T KNOW.

I UH...

CAN I BUY A VOWEL?"

[LAUGHTER

HE GOES, "YOU SHOULD BUY A

THESAURUS."

I GO, "THEY'RE EXTINCT."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I KNOW.

I KNOW.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY WHOLE WEEK WAS LIKE THAT.

I HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTOR

THE OTHER DAY.

HE SAID, "HOW'S YOUR HEARING?"

I SAID, "I GO TO COURT TUESDAY!"

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW.

[APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S HE CARE FOR?

I HATE THE DOCTOR.

FOLKS, YOU EVER GET A

PRESCRIPTION, READ THE

SIDE EFFECTS.

YOU EVER DO THAT?

I ACTUALLY HAD ONE THAT SAID

"MAY CAUSE VOMITING, DIZZINESS,

AND CHEST PAINS."

AND THEN IT SAID "IF IT BECOMES

BOTHERSOME."

[LAUGHTER]

HOW CAN ALL THAT BE BOTHERSOME?

I LIKE WHEN I'M DIZZY.

IT KEEPS MY MIND OFF THE FACT

THAT I'M VOMITING AND HAVING

CHEST PAINS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S A GOOD THING I KEPT READING

IT TOO 'CAUSE IT SAID

"TAKE ORALLY."

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW I'M LIKE, "WOO!

I JUST SAVED MYSELF A WHOLE LOT

OF TROUBLE."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I'M LIKE A LOT OF GUYS THAT

GREW UP IN A BIG ITALIAN

NEIGHBORHOOD.

Audience Member: WOO!

Rocky LaPorte: YEAH, THANKS.

I GREW UP IN UH...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I GREW UP IN...ROME.

AND UH...

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, ROMAN!

AND UH, THEN I LIVED IN

BROOKLYN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH?

ALL RIGHT.

DO YOU KNOW TONY?

[LAUGHTER]

I LOVE BROOK...

MY UNCLE USED TO HAVE AN ITALIAN

RESTAURANT IN BROOKLYN.

IT WAS CALLED "HEY, EAT THIS".

[LAUGHTER]

I LIVED IN A CRUMMY

NEIGHBORHOOD.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS LITTLE

I REMEMBER LIKE LAYING IN BED

AT NIGHT, LOOKING THE STARS AND

THINKING LIKE, "WHERE THE HELL

IS THE ROOF?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND UH, THEN WE MOVED TO

CHICAGO, 'CAUSE MY DAD HE GOT

TRANSFERRED TO UH JULIET FEDERAL

PENITENTIARY AND UH...

[LAUGHTER]

I LIKE CHICAGO.

MY UNCLE HAD A GAS STATION THERE

IT WAS CALLED, "HEY, PUMP THIS".

[LAUGHTER]

BUT UH LAST TIME I WAS HERE

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WAS IN

STATEN ISLAND AND UH...

[CHEERING]

IT'S NOT THAT NICE.

[LAUGHTER, WHISTLES & APPLAUSE]

I WENT TO THE STATEN ISLAND ZOO,

YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

OH, WHAT A PIECE A PIECE OF

[BLEEP] THAT PLACE IS.

THEY GOT LIKE FOUR BIRDS AND A

SQUIRREL, YOU EVER BEEN THERE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE GOOD

ANIMALS.

THERE WAS LIKE A LIZARD OR

SOMETHING RAN BY, I WAS LIKE,

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

THE GUY GOES, "THAT'S NOT OURS."

[LAUGHTER]

THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A MONKEY.

THEY HAD LIKE A LITTLE HAIRY

ITALIAN GUY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THEY HAVE GOLD CHAINS AND A

BEEPER, WHAT A CRUMMY ZOO.

THE GUY GOES, "DID YOU SEE

THE BIRD EXHIBIT?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, NICE DUCK."

A ZOO, IT WAS LIKE TWO GUYS

GOT TOGETHER AND THEY GO, "HEY,

I GOT A DOG AND YOU GOT A BIRD,

[BLEEP], LET'S HAVE A ZOO.

[LAUGHTER]

C'MON, CALL UP JIMMY AND

TELL HIM TO BRING HIS CAT."

THEN THEY CHARGE ME TO GET

IN THERE.

IT'S LIKE $5.00.

IT COMES OUT TO LIKE A BUCK AN

ANIMAL OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY HAD A SIGN IN THE BATHROOM.

IT SAID NO SMOKING OR EATING.

WHO THE HELL'S GONNA EAT IN

THE BATHROOM OF THE ZOO?

YA KNOW LIKE, "HEY, THE ZOO

DON'T SMELL BAD ENOUGH, LET'S

GO HAVE A SNACK IN THE JOHN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHO'S JOB IS IT TO GO IN THERE

AND CHECK ON THAT?

THEY'RE LIKE, "HEY JIMMY,

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WASHING

THE DUCK, GO TO THE BATHROOM AND

MAKE SURE NOBODY'S EATING IN

THERE, WILL YA?"

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK?

THEY SHOULD CALL IT,

WHEN STUPID PEOPLE GET BIT,

YOU KNOW THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE IDIOTS.

THEY DO ANYTHING.

THE GUY'S LIKE, "HEY HONEY,

I'M GOING TO PUT PORK CHOPS IN

MY PANTS, GO SIT BY THE LION.

TAKE SOME PICTURES."

[LAUGHTER]

I DON'T LIKE THE WILD AND COUNT.

WE WENT HIKING A COUPLE OF

MONTHS AGO AND WE STAYED IN A

RUSTIC CABIN.

I FOUND OUT RUSTIC MEANS

"OLD PIECE OF [BLEEP]".

SO A LITTLE TIP FOR YOU THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

[CLICKS TONGUE]

AND UH...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YEAH.

SO UH...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

PEOPLE ARE NUTS.

YOU EVER HAVE SOMEBODY

GIVE YOU A COMPLIMENT AND YOU

DON'T KNOW 'EM AND THEY YOU FEEL

YOU GOTTA PAY 'EM ONE BACK?

THIS LADY COMES UP TO ME,

SHE GOES, "HEY" SHE GOES,

"YOU'RE HANDSOME."

I'M LIKE, "HEY, THANKS.

YOU UH, YOU GOTTA A NICE HAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S VERY RUSTIC."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ASK SOMEONE IF THEY KNOW SOMEONE

AND THEN THEY TELL YOU A

DIFFERENT NAME?

HOW'S THAT POSSIBLE?

THAT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

I GO HEY, "YOU KNOW

MIKE ANDERSON?"

HE GOES, "I KNOW A

FLIP GUNDERSON."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

DID YOU HEAR ME SAY

FLIP GUNDERSON?

SOMETIMES THEY DON'T EVEN

THE RIGHT SEX.

I GO, "YOU KNOW MIKE SMITH?"

HE GOES, "UH, I KNOW A

DENISE SMITH."

I GO, "YEAH, THAT'S THE GUY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT DO YOU HAVE A PLATE

IN YOUR HEAD?

WHAT THE HELL'S A MATTER WITH

YOU?

HERE'S THE BEST, YOU EVER

DATIN' SOMEBODY LIKE A COUPLE

OF WEEKS AND YOU'RE NOT SURE

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT 'EM YET

AND THEN THEY TELL YA THAT THEY

LOVE YA?

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY...

GOOD FOR YOU."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S...

YEAH.

YOU EVER AH, YOU EVER GO INTO

ONE OF THOSE FANCY MALLS?

YOU EVER SEE THE GIRLS WORKING

BEHIND THE COSMETIC COUNTERS?

THEY GOT LAB COATS ON.

WHAT ARE THE DOIN',

SPLITTING ATOMS BACK THERE?

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEE THAT?

I WENT IN THERE TO BUY COLOGNE,

THEY DREW BLOOD AND THEY TOLD

ME I HAD A YEAST INFECTION, ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU LAUGH, I HAVE TO GO

BACK TOMORROW FOR A PAP SMEAR.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I DON'T...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT

MEANS.

I AH...

[LAUGHS]

A PAP.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PAP, DO I?

[LAUGHTER]

GUYS DON'T HAVE THEM RIGHT?

NO.

GOOD, THEY CAN'T SMEAR IT.

ALL RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

A BIRTHDAY, I UH, I TURNED 38

LIKE THREE OR FOUR YEARS AGO.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANKS.

ALL RIGHT.

AND MY FRIEND'S THEY GO, "ROCK,

YOU DON'T SEEM THAT OLD."

I GO, "THAT'S 'CAUSE I READ AT

A THIRD GRADE LEVEL."

[LAUGHTER]

KEEPS ME YOUNG.

I UH, YOU KNOW WHAT'S A

TOUGH JOB, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

THIS [BLEEP]] THAT I'M DOING.

[LAUGHTER]

I UH, NO I'M KIDDING IS AH

BEING A SCHOOLTEACHER, YA KNOW

THAT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH?

YOU GUYS ARE SCHOOLTEACHERS?

ARE YOU REALLY?

OH, YEAH, WHERE DO YOU TEACH

AT THERE, MA'AM?

Male: PS 13.

Rocky LaPorte: OH REALLY?

UH, I SAID MA'AM AND IT WAS A

GUY'S VOICE.

[LAUGHTER]

GOOD FOR YOU.

WHERE AH, THAT'S IN, 13,

IS THAT IN BROOKLYN?

Male: THAT'S IN BROOKLYN.

Rocky LaPorte: MY UNCLE LIVES

DOWN THERE IN BROOKLYN.

HE'S A DENTIST.

HE HAD A PLACE CALLED,

"HEY, PULL THIS".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

C'MON, YOU SEE A PATTERN HERE

OR NO?

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

HEY, WHAT GRADE YOU TEACH,

MY FRIEND UP THERE WITH THE DEEP

VOICE?

Male: FOURTH.

Rocky LaPorte: I REMEMBER WHEN

I WAS IN...

WHAT ARE YOU IN FOURTH GRADE

LIKE 13, 14?

[LAUGHTER]

NINE?

OH, MAYBE YOU BIG SHOT!

[APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY YOU NEVER

FORGET YOUR FIRST SCHOOLTEACHER?

I HAD MINE LIKE FOUR YEARS

IN A ROW!

I WAS DATING HER BY THE TIME

I GOT OUTTA THAT JOINT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN SCHOOL FOREVER.

I WAS THE ONLY KID IN

EIGHT GRADE THAT WAS OVER IN

'NAM.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW.

I REMEMBER ONE TIME I WAS

BRINGING MY REPORT CARD HOME,

I GO, "HEY POP, I GOT A "B"

IN READING."

HE GOES, "THAT'S A "D",

YOU IDIOT!"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YA KNOW THAT?

YEAH, THEY'RE EVIL PEOPLE.

I HAD THIS ENGLISH TEACHER,

EVERY FREAKIN' THING I WOULD

SAY, SHE WOULD CORRECT ME.

THAT'S BAD TO DO TO A KID RIGHT,

FOR THEIR SELF-ESTEEM?

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THAT

BITCH.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW.

THE WHORE.

I AH...

[LAUGHTER]

I COULDN'T SAY NUTTIN'.

KIDS TODAY, THEY'RE LIKE BAD...

I REMEMBER LIKE WHEN I WAS A KID

LIKE IF YOU SMART OFF THE NUN

WOULD COME OVER AND LIKE

PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S TRUE.

THIS GUY TOLD ME A NUN USED TO

HIT HIM WITH A RULER.

I WAS LIKE "OUR NUN TRIED TO

HIT US WITH A CAR."

[LAUGHTER]

SO THIS FRIGGIN ENGLISH TEACHER,

I COULDN'T SAY...

EVERYTHING I'D SAY SHE'D

CORRECT ME, YA KNOW.

ONE TIME I SAID, "WHO."

SHE SAID, "IT'S WHOM."

I'M LIKE, "NO.

YOU DON'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE

AND GO, HELLO, WHOM IS THIS?"

[LAUGHTER]

RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I, AH...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THE ONE TIME I GO, "HEY,

ISN'T THAT GOOD?"

SHE GOES, "ISN'T IS NOT A WORD."

I GO, "IT AIN'T."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE HATED ME.

SHE GOES, "YOU'RE THE WORST

STUDENT I'VE EVER HAD."

I GO, "WHOM THE HELL DO YOU

THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THEN SHE PUNCHED ME IN MY

THROAT.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL OVER THE...

I WAS IN CANADA, YOU EVER BEEN

TO CANADA, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, YOU GO UP THERE?

WHERE DO YOU GO THERE,

MY FRIEND?

>> I SAID "NO".

Rocky LaPorte: OH, YOU SAID

"NO".

YOU JUST CLAPPING LIKE.

I'LL JUST HELP THIS POOR

BASTARD.

[LAUGHTER]

DID YOU GUY'S GO?

SO NOBODY ACTUALLY WENT?

I AH...

[LAUGHTER]

OH, WHERE'D YOU GO?

OH, TORONTO.

I GOT AN UNCLE IN TORONTO.

YES I DO, HE SELLS GOLF CLUBS.

IT'S CALLED UH,

"HEY, WHACK THIS".

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M UP IN CANADA YA KNOW

AND IN WE'RE IN THE HOTEL ROOM

AND IT'S KINDA COLD SO I GO,

"I'LL PUT THE HEAT ON A LITTLE

BIT."

I PUT IT ON 70.

IT WAS FRIGGIN CELSIUS.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YA KNOW WHAT THAT IS IN

REAL LIFE?

THAT'S LIKE 2,000 DEGREES

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THE WATER IN THE TOILET WAS

BOILING.

[LAUGHTER]

AND AH...

YOU EVER GO TO FLORIDA?

THEY GOT THOSE FRIGGIN BUGS

DOWN THERE.

THE BIG ONES THAT FLY AWAY

WITH YOUR KIDS, YOU EVER SEE

THOSE THINGS?

[LAUGHTER]

A PALMETTO.

I WAS GOING TO STEP ON ONE,

I THOUGHT HE'D TEAR MY SHOE OFF,

STICK IT IN MY ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GUY'S BEEN TO FLORIDA,

RIGHT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DID YOU REALLY GO OR ARE YOU

PRETENDING?

YOU DID, WHERE'D YOU GO?

>> ORLANDO.

Rocky LaPorte: ORLANDO, I GOT

AN UNCLE IN ORLANDO.

[LAUGHTER]

I GOTTA THINK OF WHAT HE DOES...

HE AH...

[LAUGHTER]

THIS [BLEEP] HARDER THAN IT

LOOKS.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO THEY GOT IN FLORIDA?

ORANGES.

OH, HEY SQUEEZE THIS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

C'MON!

HURRICANES DOWN THERE.

THEY KNOW TWO WEEKS AHEAD OF

TIME THEY'RE COMIN'.

NOBODY LEAVES.

AM I RIGHT?

YEAH.

REMEMBER THAT HURRICANE GEORGE

WAS COMIN'?

EVERY DAY FOR TWO WEEKS

THE WEATHER GUY'S LIKE, "HEY,

[CLICKS TONGUE] IT'S [BLEEP]

COMING."

[LAUGHTER]

BUT IT AIN'T LIKE YOU DON'T

KNOW, THEY UPDATE YA LIKE EVERY

30 SECONDS.

YA KNOW LIKE THEY TRACK THE

STORM, THEY'RE LIKE, "NOW BACK

TO BOB IN THE WEATHER ROOM."

HE'S LIKE "IT'S STILL COMING."

[LAUGHTER]

THEN THEY SHOW YA ON THE MAP.

REMEMBER THAT WEATHER GUY,

THEY SHOW THAT LITTLE...

HE GOES, "HEY, YOU SEE THIS?

IT'S GONNA COME OVER HERE

AND BLOW ALL YOUR [BLEEP] OVER

THERE.

GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I DON'T EVEN THINK THE

WEATHERMAN EVEN KNOWS WHAT

THE HELL HE'S TALKING ABOUT,

YA KNOW?

YOU WATCH HIM AT NIGHTTIME?

THIS IS WHAT, HE GOES UH,

"OVER THREE INCHES OF RAIN HIT

ST. LOUIS."

THREE INCHES IS LIKE THIS,

RIGHT?

THEN THEY SHOW THE CLIP,

THERE'S LIKE COWS FLOATING DOWN

THE STREET.

YOU EVER SEE THAT?

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S 12 FEET OF WATER,

WHO'S MEASURING THIS [BLEEP]?

[LAUGHTER]

CANADIANS, THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

METRIC BASTARDS.

YOU GUYS, YOU GO DOWN TO

THE SOUTH THERE THE PEOPLE...

THE ONLY THING ABOUT SOUTHERN

PEOPLE, THEY ALWAYS HAVE SAYINGS

FOR THINGS, YOU EVER NOTICE

THAT?

YEAH.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY MEAN.

YOU GO, "HEY, WHAT DOES THAT

MEAN?"

THEY'LL TELL YOU MORE STUFF THAT

MAKES LESS SENSE.

[LAUGHTER]

I SWEAR TO GOD, I WAS IN TEXAS,

THIS GUY GOES,

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] "HE WAS

MADDER THAN A PIT BULL WITH A

FROG ON HIS ASS IN A TORNADO IN

THE MIDDLE OF JULY."

[LAUGHTER]

HE... WHAT HAPPENED?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

"HEY, YOU PUT YOUR PIGS IN A

BARN, YOU BETTER PUT A HAT ON

YOUR TURKEY THERE, JUNIOR."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT...?

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

"YA SHAVE YOUR DOG'S ASS,

HOW'S YOUR HORSE GONNA GET

HOME?"

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND THEY KEEP SAYING THAT STUFF

ALL DAY LONG.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

UP NORTH, WHEN PEOPLE TELL YOU

STUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS,

AM I RIGHT?

YEAH.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID,

THIS GUY GOES, "HEY, GET OFF

MY LAWN BEFORE I PUT MY FOOT IN

YOUR ASS."

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.

RIGHT AWAY I KNEW WHAT THAT

MEANT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

HE DIDN'T WANT ME ON THE LAWN.

[LAUGHTER]

THERE'S NO FROGS.

NOBODY HAD A HAT ON.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO SHAVE ANYBODY'S

ASS.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD SAYINGS.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS A KID

MY NEIGHBOR GOES, "I'LL FIX

YOUR WAGON."

HOW DO YOU KNOW I EVEN HAVE

A WAGON?

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS LIKE NINETEEN.

I HARDLY USE IT ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

ONE TIME HE TOLD ME HE WAS GONNA

COOK MY GOOSE.

LIKE YOU DIDN'T EVEN FIX

MY [BLEEP] WAGON YET!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Rocky LaPorte: I GO TO THE

WORST FREAKING GIGS SOMETIMES.

I WENT TO NORTH DAKOTA

AND AH...

IT WAS CLOSED.

[LAUGHTER]

THE WHOLE STATE, I HAD TO GO

AROUND.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY WOULDN'T LET ME IN.

I GO, "C'MON I GOTTA PEE."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOPE, HE GOES, "YOU GOTTA BUY

SOMETHING."

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW AND I ONLY HAD LIKE

10 BUCKS SO I BOUGHT LIKE

200 ACRES.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND UH, I WAS JUST BACK IN AH...

I WAS IN NEW JERSEY.

WHERE'S MY NEW JERSEY PEOPLE?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THERE YOU GO.

WHERE YOU FROM IN NEW JERSEY?

SHORT HILLS?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS,

I UH...

[LAUGHTER]

NO, I REALLY DO THIS TIME.

UM, MY UNCLE TONY LIVES IN

SHORT HILLS, YES, HE DOES.

HE SELLS UH VACUUM CLEANERS...

[LAUGHTER]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ARE YOU DONE?

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S CALLED, "TONY'S VACUUM

CLEANERS.

SUCK THIS."

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