Morgan Murphy wants more honest dialogue about being a single lady, Seth Herzog encounters a camel, and Rory Scovel does not want to intimidate people with his German accent.
still has the capacityto inflame people.
And it doesn't make any sense,especially here.
America is a country
built on immigration.
And, you know,as a recent immigrant
that technically makes memore American than you are.
You did not like that one bit,did you?
You-- You weren'teven willing
to buy into the premiseof that joke.
Ah, yeah, but no,though.
Except take that back.That is not true.
It doesn't make sense.
has overwhelminglybeen a good thing.
You can prove thismathematically.
In fact, I actually triedto crunch the numbers
before I came on stage.
Next time someone'stalking to you
and they seem terrifiedabout immigration
without being ableto fully explain why,
try and reassure themlike this.
Immigration is mathematicallya good thing.
Let's-- Let's lookat the facts.
In the average country,
13.4% of the adultpopulation are douche bags.
That's a generousfigure.
Total unremittingdouche bags.
However, that leaves 86.6%who are not douche bags.
Now, it's a well-known factthat a douche bag
is less likely to wantto live somewhere else
than someone who isn'ta douche bag.
They just sit at homeand fester in their douchiness.
So, the more immigrantsthat America allows in,
the further thedouche-to-non-douche balance
in this countrytips towards the non-douches.
where from the non-doucheimmigrants are emigrating
are left with a higherpercentage of douche bags,
making those who arenot douches in those countries
more likely to want to leaveand come to live here.
Thus, by the processof inverse douche osmosis,
America becomes the leastdouchy country in the world.
You can't arguewith mathematics.
I'm, uh, I'm nottrying to brag,
but I just want to leteveryone know that I, uh,
I did not drinkthe entire time I was pregnant.
Uh, thank you.
I deserve that.
Uh, especially because
it was the hardestfour days of my life.
Uh, but I did it.
I did it.
I got through it.
Oh, where aremy single ladies at?
Why is that alwaysthe response
when people ask that--
Like, I'm a single lady.
I've been a single ladyfor a very long time.
And "whoo" is neverhow it's felt.
It has neverfelt that way.
Like, you guys should get morehonest time to answer that
so you can just be like, "Hey,where are my single ladies at?"
"Well, I'm here."
"Yeah, my friend saidto come.
"I didn't want to.She was like,
"Maybe you'll meetsomeone.
"And I've been herefor, like, 10 minutes.
"And I know I'm notgoing to.
And I want to go home."
Like, it should bea longer answer.
It's never "whoo."You never--
I've never been home aloneon, like, a Friday night
eating Thai food,cleaning out the litter box,
watching, like, my ninth Law & Order,
"This is fantastic.
"Let me justtext that guy.
"Hey, come over.'Oh, I'm seeing someone.'
if you have a chance,
never look at your credit cardstatement.
Don't ever do it.
It is a mirror
up to everything horrificabout you
that you don't wantto know.
It is. It just is.
Uh, I had credit card fraudone time.
A woman bought $5,000in African jewelry
on my credit card.
And while that seems like
an impulsive purchaseI would have made, I didn't.
So I have to callthe credit card company.
And, you know, I guessthe process when you have fraud
is that they read youyour purchases,
and then you tell themwhether or not you made them.
Until I had this conversationwith this complete stranger,
I was very muchon the fence
as to whether or notI was an alcoholic.
This woman on the phonestarts reading my purchases.
It's all bars.All bars.
Like, there was no sustenance,no food, no clothing,
Just bar-- She's like,"All right,
at 7:52 p.m. did you spend$87 at the Ye Rustic Bar?"
I said, "I did.Yeah, I did. Yeah, yeah."
She's like, "All right,at 9:15 p.m.,
did you spend $132at, uh, the Drawing Room Bar?"
I said, "Yeah, yeah,yeah, yeah."
She's like, "All right,at 12:15 a.m.,
did you spend, uh,$38 at Jones' Bar on Third?"
I said, "I did, yeah."
She's like, "That's pretty far.Did you drive?"
"Yeah, you nosy whore.I drove."
She's like, "All right,the next day at, uh, 1:15 p.m.,
did you have an abortion?"
"No, I donate money.It's a donation.
I'm a good person."
I work over atthe Fallon show.
The Jimmy Fallontalk show.
It's a great time.It's a great show.
And recently we had a camelon the show.
I walk into the studio
and they're like,"There's a camel here."
I said,"There's a camel here?"
Like, yeah.I go backstage.
There's a full camelbackstage.
No joke.And half the staff
is lined up with their phones,ready to take pictures.
But only taking picturesof just the camel's foot.
Just the camel toe.
Like, the funniest thinganyone's ever done, ever.
You could feel the camel's eyesgoing back in its head.
Taking a pictureof my camel toe, huh?
What are you, going to tweetthat out, tough guy?
You're a comedy pioneer.
No one did thatall day yesterday,
or the day before thator the day before that.
Why don't you post iton Facebook
and tag your fat friends.
Or I couldn't tellif the camel
just didn't get it.
"Americans are obsessed
"with my feet.
They're crazy people.They're crazy people."
And it wasn't till later onthat night
when he was Googling "camel toe"with his hooves.
"Oh, okay, I see it.
"Yeah, I see it now.
Ahhhhh-- Any--Anybody here in love?
No one? Two people?Three people?
I-- I got the originalresponse.
The original responsewas no.
And then you feltyou had to clap.
But I know the real truthis no,
because you livein New York City.
Welcome to New York City,people.
You're not goingto find love here.
Check your emotionsat the tunnel.
No love to be foundon this island.
I hope you're all enjoyingyour careers instead.
Dating's hard in New York.It's tough.
Dating's tough.Uh, you know,
everyone's texting.That's all they're doing.
It's how you connectwith each-- With each other.
I know a lotof you young guys,
you're just sending outdick pics all day.
All day. Handing them outlike business cards.
Just throwing them out.
You throw out a hundred,you get two-- Two responses.
You know, like,that's two people.
It's a-- It's a--You know, it's a numbers game.
I don't like to sexy text.I'm not a sexy texter.
I know you peoplecall it "sexting."
I call it sexy texting.
It's a funnier term.
Um, I-- I feel likewhen you text someone,
it's all about where they arewhen they receive it,
not where you arewhen you send it.
When you send it you're sittingon your couch pants down,
and you're like,Oh, everyone's ready for this.
Just because you aredoesn't mean they are.
In my neurotic head,
if I send out a sexy textto someone--
Like, if I send out,"I want to do you right now,"
I picture they're inthe hospital.
Their motherhas just died.
They're still holding onto her hand.
[IMITATING PHONE VIBRATING]
What, you want to do meright now? Really?
And then you becomethe creepy guy
who did the creepy thing.
And every girl has that storyof the creepy guy
who did the creepy thingthing to her.
Every one of you has one.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.That feels amazing.
There are not words to describewhat you guys just gave me.
Uh, it was amazing.That rush of energy.
I'm kind of like,Wow, quit giving it all to me.
You know, you guyskeep some of it, you know.
Wow. Just a wave.Like a total wave.
I don't wantto intimidate anybody,
uh, with my German accent.
Do not, you know,get too freaked out.
I'm German. Yes.You know, Germany.
We're chill, you know?
We're a chill--
We're a chill place,you know?
We sort of have to be now,you know.
Have to be.
It's like the whole worldsaw what we did.
Like, literally every singleperson, like, way before YouTube
saw all the footage.
All of it.
And I think, you know,as Germans,
we're sort of overcompensating,I think.
Have you seen, you know,German pornography?
You know, you watch it.You're like, This is crazy.
Like, what the [BLEEP]is this?
This is people having sex,
and then they're [BLEEP]on each other?
And then they'rehaving sex again?
It's like, I know.Like, can you even remember,
like, any other crazy thingwe did as a country?
I don't-- You know.
Once you've seen this,
it's like that's prettymuch it for us
in, you know,terms of the deep end.
You know, that's kind of as faras we really went.
Ah--I do want to thank,uh, uh,
you know, Comedy Centraland John for having me,
uh, on the show.
A lot of, uh--
A lot of shows on televisionand a lot of, uh,
different, you know,comedy clubs in this country
will not actually supporta Christian comedian.
And, uh,so I appreciate that.
You know, one:for them having the courage.
You know, asking God,saying, "Should we have him on?"
And, uh, God being like,"I vouch for him.
"He's got some good stuff."
He's got a Noah bit.I mean, watch out.
If you're on the Christiancomedy circuit
and you don'tgot a Noah bit,
get out of the businessand get back into the Bible.
Get right backinto the Bible.
That's sort ofmy catchphrase:
"Get back into the Bible."
A lot of people say it's Adamand Eve, not Adam and Steve.
I say to myself,I kind of wish it was Steve,
because I bet he wouldn't havebeen so dumb to talk to a snake.
Am I right, dudes?
Where are my dudes at?
Where are my dudesat tonight?
Women are dumb.
Come on, now.
It's right therein the Bible.
I mean, hell, Eve, did you evendo a little bit of research?
Do the other animals talk?
Then something's up,girlfriend.
Steve wouldn'thave fell for that.
Steve would have been like,"What the hell is that?
"Is that a talking snake?
"You get! You get!You get out of here!
"You get on out of here!
"You get!You get out of here!
Get out of my yard!"
Steve would have already calledthe Garden of Eden his yard.
Right out of the gate.