Monday, October 5, 2015

  • 10/05/2015

"Dr. Ken" cast mates Ken Jeong, Suzy Nakamura and Dave Foley offer suggestions to Twitter's CEO, invent #NewSpaceFacts and diagnose illnesses based on terrible illustrations.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: OBVIOUSLY WE OWE A

TON TO TWITTER. I OWE A LOT TOTWITTER. THIS SHOW--IT PUTS THE

"@" IN @MIDNIGHT. IT WOULDN'TEXIST WITHOUT TWITTER.

AND IT ALSO EMPOWERS ORDINARYCITIZENS LIKE YOU AND ME TO TELL

THE PRESIDENT, QUOTE, "SPARK MYPUSSY."

I MEAN, WHEN WOULD THIS HAVEHAPPENED BEFORE IN HISTORY? IN

THE OLD DAYS YOU WOULD HAVE TOTAKE QUILL TO PARCHMENT.

TAKE IT ON DOWN TO THE TELEGRAPHOFFICE,

AND, YOU KNOW.

"DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, STOP.

SPARK MY PUSSY.

STOP."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THIS MORNING IT WASANNOUNCED THAT JACK DORSEY, ONE

OF TWITTER'S ORIGINAL FOUNDERS,IS BACK AS FULL TIME CEO.

THERE HE IS, LOOKING HANDSOME.NATURALLY, DORSEY BROKE THE NEWS

ON TWITTER AND IMMEDIATELYANNOUNCED HE NEEDED A BREAK

FROM TWITTER.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE THENEW CEO TO CHANGE

ABOUT TWITTER? DAVE FOLEY.

>> ALL DICK PICS MUST BE INSEPIA.

IT JUST MAKES THEM SEEM MORECHARMING AND OLD-FASHIONED.

>> Chris: SUZY NAKAMURA.

>> A RACISM FILTER FOR ALL WHITEPEOPLE SO ALL THEIR TWEETS SOUND

LIKE THEY GET IT.

>> Chris: YEAH.

WE DO.

WE TOTALLY GET IT.

YEAH.

>> YOU PEOPLE ARE SO SMART.

>> Chris: POINTS TO SUZY. KEN JEONG.

>> 140 CHARACTERS ARE WAY TOOMANY.

IT SHOULD BE LIKE 138, 139 TOPS.

>> Chris: YES.

>> WHEN I AM ENGAGING WITH MYTROLLS,

THEY TUCKER OUT AT LIKE 137.

>> Chris: YOU GOTTA RUN AROUNDIN CIRCLES AND GET 'EM TIRED.

>> THEY DM ME, IT'S LIKE, "HEY,SORRY, I AM REALLY TIRED RIGHT

NOW. I DON'T KNOW THAT MANYWORDS.

I STILL HATE YOU."

>> Chris: POINTS FOR THAT.

>> AND "SPARK MY PUSSY" IS ONLYLIKE WHAT? 15? IT'S LIKE 15.

>> YEAH.

YEAH.

>> Chris: I TIRE 'EM OUT TOO.

I FIRE BACK WITH THINGS LIKE,"NO YOU LOOK LIKE A RYAN

SEACREST ABORTION."

THEN AFTER ENOUGH TIMES, THEYGET TIRED OF IT.

THEY TUCKER OUT, YEAH.

MOVING ON, THE FORCE IS WHATGIVES THE JEDI HIS POWER.

IT SURROUNDS US AND PENETRATESUS. IT BINDS THE GALAXY

TOGETHER. THIS SHIRTLESS SAINTSFAN KNOWS WHAT I AM TALKING

ABOUT.

THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE.

THERE HE IS.

>> IT'S A TRAP! YOU LITERALLYCOULD SEE THAT GUY FROM SPACE.

I CAN ONLY ASSUME HIS PLAN WASTO WILL THE BALL THROUGH THE UP

RIGHTS BUT THAT BACKFIRED BUTTHE SAINTS WENT ON TO WIN SO AT

LEAST HE DIDN'T DUMP THEM OUTFOR NOTHING.

IT ALL WORKED OUT FINE.

COMEDIANS WHAT ARE SOME OTHERPOWERS THIS SHIRTLESS YOUNG

GENTLEMAN HAS? KEN JEONG.

>> HE CAN GIVE NATURAL BIRTH TOA DOZEN SPICY BUFFALO WINGS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]18, IF IT'S A C-SECTION.

>> Chris: DAVE FOLEY.

>> HE CAN SWEAT AT WILL.

AND INVOLUNTARILY.

>> Chris: YES! POINTS.

GREAT POWER, GREATRESPONSIBILITY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR

THE HASHTAG WARS.

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENTAND WISH A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY

TO ONE OF MY MOST FAVORITEPEOPLE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, MY

ETERNAL MAN CRUSH, THE GREATNEIL DEGRASSE TYSON!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: NEIL SPENT HIS

BIRTHDAY WEEKEND DOING WHAT HELOVES MOST, OF COURSE: GOING ON

TWITTER TO POINT OUT MISTAKESIN "THE MARTIAN".

>> Chris: NEIL DID THE SAMETHING WITH "GRAVITY" AND

"INTERSTELLAR," OF COURSE,BUT DON'T YOU [BLEEP]IN' TOUCH

"LAST STARFIGHTER," NEILDEGRASSE TYSON.

THAT ONE'S MINE.

ANYWAY, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BEFUN TO GIVE HIM THE ULTIMATE

BIRTHDAY PRESENT: MORE BULLSHITSCIENCE TO CORRECT. THAT'S WHY

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#NEWSPACEFACTS.

#NEWSPACEFACTS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: OXYGEN IS

REALLY BAD FOR YOU.

OR ALIENS ARE NEITHER GAY NORSTRAIGHT, THEY ARE GLOBOSEXUAL.

I AM GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND BEGIN.

>> OH, OH.>> Chris: DAVE, YES.

IN 4 BILLION YEARS, THE SUN WILLEXPLODE SO [BLEEP] THIS

PARKING TICKET.

>> YES.

POINTS.

DEFINITE SPACE FACT.

>> MILKY WAY CANDY BARS ONLYCONTAIN .01% ACTUAL MILKY WAY.

>> THEY'VE LOCATED THE WOOKIEPLANET AND THOSE HAIRY HUNKS ARE

READY TO (BLEEP).

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> DAVID FOLEY.

>> PLUTO HAS DOWNGRADED NEILDEGRASSE TYSON TO A DENTIST.

>> Chris: POINTS.

TALK ABOUT -- THAT'S FAIR.

THAT'S FAIR.

SUZY.

>> THE SUN CAN FIT 1.3 MILLIONEARTHS INSIDE OF IT AND SO CAN

YOUR MOM.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEN JEONG.

>> IF YOU LOOK BELOW ORION'SBELT YOU WILL SEE ORION'S DICK

CAUGHT IN ORION'S ZIPPER.

>> Chris: THAT IS TRUE.

THAT IS JUST AN OBSERVABLE FACT.

SUZY.

>> SCIENTISTS THEORIZE THERE ISA PARALLEL UNIVERSE WHERE

FOLEY ACTUALLY GETS LAID.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

>> WOW, WOW.

>> I HOPE THE PARALLEL SUZYNAKAMURA ENJOYS IT.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY THE SYMPTOMS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: THAT WAS OUR WHOLE

GRAPHICS BUDGET FOR THE YEAR.

IT WAS WORTH IT, THOUGH.

WHEN AMERICANS GET SICK, THEYDON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR, THEY

GOOGLE THEIR SYMPTOMS TO SEE IFTHEY REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE

DOCTOR.

OR MAYBE THEY WILL JUST WAIT ITOUT AND SEE IF THEY FEEL BETTER

OR DIE.

WHETHER YOU HAVE GOT HYSTERICALBLINDNESS OR RESTLESS RECTUM,

GOOGLE WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUTIT WITH DEEPLY UNSETTLING PASTEL

ILLUSTRATIONS.

COMEDIANS I WILL SHOW YOU AGOOGLE ILLUSTRATION OF SOME

SICK-SICKIES AND FOR 250 POINTSI WOULD LIKE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT

THEY HAVE.

ALL RIGHT.

FIRST UP, WHAT IS WRONG WITHTHIS GUY? WHAT DOES HE HAVE

THERE? OH, NO.

>> YES, DAVE FOLEY.

>> MOSQUITO SEX REGRET.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: OH.

WHY DID I LET THAT MOSQUITOFINISH INSIDE OF ME?

>> WHAT IS HAPPENING THERE? WITH THAT -- HUMANOID CREATURE.

SUZY.

>> SHE WORE A PAIR OF TOM'SSHOES FOR NEARLY AN HOUR.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

VERY COMMON, WHATEVER THIS IS,MORE THAN 3 MILLION U.S. CASES

PER YEAR.

WHAT IS THAT? DAVE FOLEY.

>> MENOPAUSAL TEDIUM.

>> MENOPAUSAL TEDIUM.

>> Chris: SIDE EFFECTS MAYINCLUDE LONELY PICNICS.

>> POINTS TO DAVE.

NEXT ONE, THIS IS A VERYCONFUSING SCENARIO.

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THAT?KEN.

>> ANGRY MUTANT SPERM.

>> Chris: YES.

DEFINITELY. DEFINITELY.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, ITDOES SPREAD BY SEXUAL CONTACT.

RIGHT THERE.

KEN, YOU ARE A DOCTOR, I MEANYOU MUST HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE

IN YOUR PRACTICE.

>> SURE.

YEAH.

>> Chris: SUZY.

>> ARE THOSE URINALS IN THEBACK?

>> Chris: OH, I BELIEVE THEYARE.

>> HE HAS DEVILED EGG DICK.

NEXT ONE, YES.

OH.

DAVE FOLEY.

>> ANKLE GENDER DYSPHORIA.

>> KEN.

>> VIN DISEASE-EL.

>> Chris: YES.

VERY WELL PLAYED.

VERY WELL PLAYED.

I AM GROOT.

AND FINALLY--

THIS LADY, WHAT IS -- OH.

ERR.

GRR.

YES, KEN.

>> TELEPATHIC LINK TO HELEN INHUMAN RESOURCES.

>> Chris: YES.

POINTS.

(BLEEP)ING HELEN, EVERY TIME.

>> (BLEEP)ING HELEN.

>> Chris: SUZY.

>> SHE CAN'T REMEMBER IF SHELEFT HER BABY IN THE CAR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

OH.

DAVE FOLEY.

>> FOREHEAD (BLEEP).

IT IS A HAPPY PICTURE.

IT IS A VERY HAPPY PICTURE.

>> TREATED BY A MEDICALPROFESSIONAL AND THE DOCTOR

IS IN.

>> AND OUT AND IN.

AND IN.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT AN ANGRY MOB OF AIR

FRENCHMEN WHO FRENCHREVOLUTION-STYLE ATTACKED THE

BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND I ASKEDYOU TO GIVE ME ANOTHER DECREE

THESE FANCY PANTS ARISTOCRATSWERE TRYING TO IMPOSE ON THE

WORKING CLASS.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAME UP WITH.

DAVE FOLEY.

>> IN-FLIGHT MOVIES MUST BEFRENCH AND THE FLIGHT WILL NOT

LAND UNTIL THEY ARE OVER.

>> Chris: YOU WOULD RUN OUT OFFUEL UP THERE.

SUZY NAKAMURA.

>> NO MORE JERRY LEWIS.

>> Chris: YES.

FINALLY.

DR. KEN.

>> PREGNANT WOMAN CAN ONLY SMOKEIN DESIGNATED PREGNANT SMOKING

AREAS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT.

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR FAMOUSLAST HEARDS.

>> REDDITOR SEAN2407 POSED THEQUESTION RECENTLY ON ASK REDDIT,

WHAT IS THE WORSE THING YOUCOULD POSSIBLY HEAR MOMENTS

BEFORE YOU DIE? THE RESPONSESRAN THE GAMUT FROM THE HILARIOUS

TO THE HORRIBLE, BUT OF THEFORMER BATCH OUR FAVORITE CAME

FROM SARDONICKILLER, WHO SAID,"HERE, HOLD MY BEER."

COMEDIANS GIVE ME AS MANYUNDESIRABLE THINGS TO HEAR

PRE-BUCKET KICKING AS YOUPOSSIBLY CAN IN 60 SECONDS AND

BEGIN.

KEN.

>> I NEVER LOVED YOU, BYE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE FOLEY.

>> I COULD HAVE SWORN I BROUGHTTHAT CANCER CURE WITH ME.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SUZY.

>> DOV CHARNEY IS HERE TO SEEYOU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KEN JEONG.

>> NOW THAT MY HUSBAND IS DEAD IWILL BECOME THE BLOW JOB QUEEN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ARE YOU USURPING THE TITLE FROMHER HUSBAND?

>> YES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

SUZY.

>> RELEASE THE OPOSSUMS!

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE FOLEY.

>> YOU REALIZE YOUR DEATHDOESN'T REMOVE YOUR OBLIGATION

FOR CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

DAVE, HAVE YOU HEARD THATBEFORE?

>> YES.

>> Chris: KEN JEONG.

>> DIBS ON HIS KIDNEYS.

>> POINTS.

DAVE FOLEY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY, YOU'RERIGHT: A THREESOME WOULD BE FUN.

>> Chris: POINTS.