Monday, August 8, 2016

  • 08/08/2016

Jason Biggs, Beth Stelling and Hari Kondabolu list events for Tonga's oiled-up flag bearer, find new uses for a creepy Lucille Ball statue and sing #OlympicSongs.

The Olympic gameshave officially kicked off,

and it's alreadygot everyone talking

about this greased upathlete representing Tonga.

Oh, there he is.

-♪ -(applause and cheering)

-Whoa!-HARDWICK: I should clarify.

They didn't actuallygrease him up.

-He just stepped outside in Rio.-(laughter)

The slippery Tongan flag bearer,Pita Taufatofua,

took time out his day jobas a human roto-rooter

to marchin the parade of nations

during the opening ceremonies.

This is the most excitedpeople have gotten up

about a greased-up Polynesian

since this entranceat the last Olympics.

-MAN: And what an ovation!-Ah!

-(indistinct voice on screen)-BETH STELLING: Yeah!

ANNOUNCER:Hoorah!

Oh, we smell it.

(laughter)

The the Internet naturallyexploded with adoration

for this lubed up hunk.

(laughter)

Hashtag Opening Ceremony. Sinceit seems like Tonga already

has the lead in lady-boners,what are some events

this heavily-lubricated Tonganwill be competing in?

Jason Biggs, go.

Rolling around on your popcornto make it more delicious.

-HARDWICK: Yes.-(laughter)

(applause and cheering)

-Beth Stelling, go.-STELLING: Sliding

in and out of tight places,and in and out is needed.

-HARDWICK: All right.-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-Hari Kondabolu.

Uh, the dick cathalon.

Last year, the town of Celeron,New York was accosted

by a monstrous, gobbler-of-soulsLucille Ball tribute statue,

which the townspeoplequickly named "Scary Lucy."

-Aah! Aah!-STELLING: Aah! Scary.

(laughter)

Let me performin the club with you, Ricky.

(laughter)

Aah!

Now you may rememberthat we launched

to bring Scary Lucy hereto the @midnight stage,

which, coincidentally, is where I Love Lucy was filmed.

There first few seasonsof I Love Lucy

-were filmed right here.-Right here.

I feel like we are...100% living up

(laughing): to the comedy legacyof the show.

I can't even say itwith a straight face.

I can't even say thatwith a straight face.

Anyway, one of our fansput this sign on her.

Uh, "Let @midnighthave this statue."

"Bring Lucy home"was the hashtag.

We sent two of our guysover there.

They wentto a town hall meeting.

They were like,"Can we have that?"

-(laughter) -"Can we havethat horrifying thing

that you can'tdo anything with?"

And they were like,"Hmm, (bleep) off."

-(laughter)-It's now a year later.

They finally replaced Scary Lucywith this new beautiful statue.

This is Botox Lucy.

(laughter)

-I don't know if I like it.-STELLING: It's better.

-(applause and cheering)-I don't...

I get the feelingthat Botox Lucy

is the kind of lady who wouldbody-shame Scary Lucy.

It kind of feels likethere's a...

-Ugh.-(laughter)

They captured the feelingof what it was like

to be married to Desi, I think,that's what happened.

-(laughter, groaning, applause)-HARDWICK: Possibly so.

Possibly so.

That's a...that's an historic burn.

HARDWICK:Now since

we tried to get the statuefrom Celeron,

and they wouldn't give it to us,

what can the horrifying ScaryLucy statue be used for now?

-Beth.-Tim Burton's fluffer.

-HARDWICK: Yes. Points.-(laughter, applause)

HARDWICK:Hari.

-Larry King's next wife.-(laughter)

(applause)

HARDWICK:Jason.

Uh, drill a hole in its mouth.I'll take it.

-HARDWICK: All right, points.-Uh, no.

It's now timefor the #HashtagWars.

(cheering)

You know, we've been goofingon the summer games a lot today,

largely becausethe zombie apocalypse

is definitely gonna start there,but it's kind of dangerous

for our cheap littlebasic cable program.

The Olympic Committeeis notoriously protective

and is known for threateningto sue anyone they think

is infringingon their intellectual property.

In fact, we actually wantedto start the show

with a bitof the Olympic theme there,

and this is legallyall we can play.

(music starts and stops)

-Well, that's inspiring.-(laughter)

So since we don't have accessto a proper sporting theme song,

we'll create our own.

Tonight's hashtag is#OlympicSongs. #OlympicSongs.

Uh, examples are:♪ You give love a badminton

-and...-(laughter)

Thank you.

(whooping, applause)

STELLING:I like that.

That's by the group Bon Jovelin.

-Uh...-(laughter)

-And...-BIGGS: Oh-ho-ho, the one-two.

I know. I'm sorry.

And... and "Gin and Juicing,""Gin and Juicing."

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Uh, Hari.-"Judo Really Want to Hurt Me?"

-Points!-(laughter, applause)

-Beth Stelling.-(audience whooping)

"When I Think About You,I Touch My Phelps."

(laughter, applause, whooping)

Points. Hari Kondabolu.

-"Gymnasty As I Wanna Be."-Yes, points.

Beth Stelling.

"Steroids to Heaven."

Yes, points! Jason Biggs.

-"Smells Like Teen Gymnasts."-Points.

-Beth Stelling.-"I Shot Put the Sheriff."

-Points.-(whooping)

Hari.

"Girls, Girls,Girls Volleyball."

-Points.-(laughter)

-Jason.-"Usain in the Membrane."