Bryan Callen & Sean Flannery

  • Season 1, Ep 4
  • 10/30/2012

Bryan Callen tells an incredible true story, and Sean Flannery comes up with realistic beer commercials.

AND YOU CAN DO THIS TOO,IS WHENEVER THEY LAND,

THE PILOT ALWAYS GETS ONTHE P.A. SYSTEM AND GOES,

[click] "UNITED AIRLINESWOULD LIKE TO BE THE FIRST

"TO WELCOME YOUTO DALLAS, TEXAS.

"WE APPRECIATEYOUR BUSINESS,

AND WE HOPEYOU'LL FLY WITH US AGAIN."

WHAT I LIKE TO DOIS RIGHT WHEN THEY'RE JUST ABOUT

TO TOUCH DOWN, RIGHT WHENTHEY'RE JUST ABOUT TO LAND,

YELL "WELCOME TO DALLAS!"

'CAUSE THEN THE PILOTHAS TO GET ON AND BE LIKE,

[click] "[sighs]

"NO, WELL, HE SAID IT,SO I CAN'T SAY IT.

"NO, HE ALREADY SAID--YOU SHUT UP, GERALD,

"YOU'RE THE CO-PILOT.

"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKETO BE THE SECOND TO WELCOME YOU

"TO DALLAS, TEXAS,THANKS TO PASSENGER 19B,

WHO HAD 15 SCOTCH AND SODAS ANDFELL ASLEEP IN THE BATHROOM."

THAT LAST PART'SA TRUE STORY.

I GET SO TIREDIN THERE.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK CRAISINSARE MADE OF CRANBERRIES.

THEY'RE NOT.THEY'RE ACTUALLY JUST RAISINS

THAT DON'T GIVE A [bleep].

AND THERE'S NOBODYWHO FIGHTS LIKE NEW YORK GUYS.

LIKE, NOBODY.LIKE, ITALIAN GUYS ESPECIALLY.

MY MOTHER'S 100% SICILIAN.FORGET IT.

LIKE, GUYS, THEY GOTTA TELL YOUWHO THEY ARE,

WHERE THEY'RE FROM,WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO TO YOU,

WHO THEY KNOW,THE--I-I HEAR--IT'S CRAZ--

GUYS BE LIKE,"YOU WANT TO FIGHT ME?

"YOU EVER--YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

"YOU LOOK AT ME WRONG,I MAKE TWO PHONE CALLS.

"TWO PHONE CALLS.YOU GO AWAY IN THE MORNING,

"YOUR WHOLE FAMILY'S WORKINGIN THE CIRCUS THE NEXT DAY, BRO.

"YOUR DAD'S A CLOWN, HE'STHROWIN' PIES IN HIS OWN FACE.

"TOMORROW YOUR HOUSE,YOUR DOMICILE,

"THEY TURNED ITINTO A CAR WASH.

"YOUR MOTHER'SAT THE END OF THE LINE,

"SHE'S WASHING MY CAR,SHE'S TOPLESS,

"HER TITSARE SLAPPIN' AROUND.

I DON'T TIP HER."

ALL RIGHT? OKAY, SO THIS IS--SO THIS IS THE POINT I'M MAKIN'

IS THAT THAT NEVER WORKS,'CAUSE THEN YOU END UP FIGHTING.

HERE'S HOWYOU AVOID A FIGHT, OKAY?

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO,ALL RIGHT?

ALWAYS GET SOMEBODYTO DO THE TALKING FOR YOU.

DON'T EVER USE A FRENCH GUY,THAT'S NOT INTIMIDATING.

YOU CAN'T--SERIOUSLY.

[imitating French]

IT'S JUST--YOU JUST END UPGIVING THE GUY A HARD ON.

UM, SERIOUSLY, THAT LANGUAGEMAKES YOU HORNY. [laughs]

I MEAN--ALL RIGHT,BUT HERE'S THE--HERE'S THE BEST.

READY? THIS IS THE BEST. THIS ISTHE--THIS IS THE GREATEST--

THIS IS THE GREATEST WAYTO GET OUT OF A FIGHT.

WATCH THIS.OKAY, SO I INVENTED THIS.

INSTEAD OF STANDING LIKE THIS,LOOKING LIKE A TOUGH GUY,

SOMEBODY SQUARES UP,THIS IS WHAT I DO.

I STAND JUST LIKE THAT.LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH, I GO HIP SIDEWITH THE JAZZ HANDS,

AND LOOK AT HOW LOOSEMY MOUTH IS, LOOK.

OKAY, IT'S NOT GONNASTOP THE GUY,

BUT IT'S GONNA CONFUSE HIM,OKAY,

'CAUSE THE GUY'S LIKE,"IS THIS GUY A DANCER?

WHAT [mumbles] GOIN' ON?"YOU KNOW.

"YOU WANT TO KISS ME?WHAT THE--" ALL RIGHT,

WHILE HE'S CONFUSED,I'M JUST A JAZZ STATUE.

I'M JUST LIKE THIS,OKAY?

WHO DO I GETTO DO MY TALKING FOR ME?

I GETA SCOTTISH NOBLEMAN...

TO RIDE UP BEHIND MEON A HORSE.

ALL RIGHT?SO PICTURE THIS,

YOU KNOW THE GUYFROM BRAVEHEART?

HE'S GOT A KILT,FIRE-RED BRAID,

AND I'M JUST LIKE THIS,AND YOU THINK

YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIGHT ME, LIKE,"WHY IS THIS GUY A DANCER?"

AND JUST--ANGUS JUST--

[horse riding sounds][whinnies]

AND HE JUST REARS UPAND DOES THE--

LIKE, HIS HORSE LOOKS LIKEA LITTLE HORSY BOXER.

LIKE, IN SLOW MOTION,

AND HE JUST...LANDS,AND THEN HE JUST

LOOKS AT MY OPPONENTAND HE GOES,

[Scottish accent]"EXCUSE ME, LADDIE.

"I HOPE IT'S NOT YOUR INTENTIONTO FIGHT THIS MAN,

"BUT HE'S A GOOD MAN.

"SOME WOULD EVEN DARETO CALL HIM A GREAT MAN,

"BUT HEAR ME NOWAND HEAR ME WELL.

"IF YOU'RE FOOL ENOUGHTO GO TO WAR WITH HIM,

"THEN I HOPE YOU'VE GOTSATAN HIMSELF BY YOUR SIDE,

BECAUSE YOU...WILL...NEED HIM!HEE-YA!"

AND HE JUST RIDES OFF.

- THE GREAT GENERAL CUSTER,PREPARE TO MEET YOUR END.

- WAIT.GRANT ME ONE LAST REQUEST.

- WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOUANYTHING?

YOU PILLAGED OUR LAND,RAPED ALL OUR WOMEN,

AND YOU TOOK MY HORSE OUTFOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

- IT WAS, LIKE,20 MINUTES TOPS.

- IT FELT LIKE FOREVER.

- BUT LET CUSTARDHAVE ONE LAST HANDSTAND.

- OOH, A HANDSTAND.I'D LIKE TO SEE THAT.

- LET'S GIVE THE ALAMOSOMETHING TO REMEMBER.

[grunts]- HOO. UP, UP. OH.

GET YOUR HIPS UP OVER YOUR HEAD.- YEAH.

- [grunts]- THE SETUP IS WRONG.

- LITTLE HELP.GIVE ME A LITTLE HELP, HARRY,

ON THE LEFT SIDE,JUST THE LEFT SIDE.

- YUP, ALL RIGHT.- THERE IT IS.

THERE WE GO.- [grunts]

- ♪ AND THE LAND OF THE...

both: ♪ FREE - [grunts]

WHEN YOU ORDER A SANDWICH,THEY'LL SAY,

"WOULD YOU LIKE THATTOASTED?"

I ALWAYS TRY AND PLAY ALONG.I'LL GO, "YEAH.

I'LL TAKE THATOVEN-BAKED, BABY."

BUT ONE TIME, THEY GAVE MEAN OVEN-BAKED BABY.

AND I WASN'T GONNA BE RUDEAND NOT EAT IT,

BUT IT'S LIKE, WHAT TOPPINGSDO YOU PUT ON THAT?

WELL, I LEARNED ONE THINGTHAT DAY.

RANCH DOES GO GOODON EVERYTHING.

YEAH.

SOME OF YOU THOUGHTTHAT JOKE WAS DISGUSTING,

BUT YOU ALSOLOVE RANCH DRESSING,

SO IT WASA VERY CONFUSING BIT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T AGREEWITH ANY OF THIS.

WHOA,A DELICIOUS PUNCH LINE."

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION FORMARIJUANA HERE IN CALIFORNIA.

IT'S FOR ANXIETY,

PRIMARILY ANXIETY ABOUTGETTING ARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA.

SO IT'S CLEARED THATRIGHT UP.

SO WE'RE USED TOVERY CHEAP BEER.

MY DAD DRANK THIS BEERTHEY INTRODUCED US TO

IN THE MID-'90s.

HE DRANK THIS BEERCALLED "SCHAEFER'S,"

AND IN THE MID-1990s,YOU COULD GET

A 30-PACK OF SCHAEFER'SFOR $2.

YEAH.

THEY CALLED IT"A WEEKENDER."

THAT'S A HELL OF A WEEKENDYOU'RE STARTING RIGHT THERE,

BUT WHAT--THE BEAUTIFUL THINGABOUT SCHAEFER'S IS,

THEY HADTHE MOST HONEST SLOGAN

OF ANY PRODUCTYOU'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED.

"SCHAEFER'S,

THE ONE BEER TO HAVE WHENYOU'RE HAVING MORE THAN ONE."

[laughs]

I LOVEHOW HONEST THAT IS.

LIKE, YOU WANTA FULL-BODIED TASTE?

NO,WE'RE NOT YOUR GUY.

YOU WANT TO FORGET YOUR NAMEFOR LESS THAN $5?

GIVE US A RING.

YOU EVER SEEN A BEER COMMERCIALWITH A DESIGNATED DRIVER?

THAT IS THE MOSTUNREALISTIC 20 SECONDS OF TV

YOU HAVE WATCHEDTHAT DAY.

I DON'T CARE WHAT ELSEYOU'VE SEEN.

YOU WATCH TEEN WOLF,AND I WILL BUY THAT.

I WILL ACCEPTA WEREWOLF SMALL FORWARD

WITH 90 REBOUNDS...

[laughs]

BEFORE I WILL ACCEPT HOW THEYPORTRAY THE DESIGNATED DRIVER,

AND I WANT TO SEE THEMREINTRODUCE, LIKE,

THE HONESTBEER COMMERCIAL.

LIKE, ONE THING I DO WHEN IGET KIND OF OVER-SERVED,

I GET IN THESE ARGUMENTSOVER TOPICS

THAT I NORMALLYWOULDN'T EVEN CARE TO DISCUSS.

MY OLD ROOMMATE AND I,WE WOKE MY WIFE UP.

THIS ISWHAT MY WIFE HEARS.

IT'S LIKE 3:00 IN THE MORNINGON A WEDNESDAY.

MY WIFE HEARS MY OLD ROOMMATE,JOHN, GOING,

"NO, MAN. NO, MAN.

"CAT'S DON'T [bleep].

CATS MAKE LOVE."

WE GOT IN A FIST FIGHTOVER THIS.

NEITHER ONE OF USHAS EVER OWNED A CAT.

WE HAVE NO IDEAHOW THEY COURT EACH OTHER.

AND I'D LOVE TO SEEA BEER COMMERCIAL

THAT CAPTURES, LIKE,THAT KIND OF DRINKING.

WHERE TWO GUYS JUSTGET IN A MELEE AT A WEDDING,

AND THEY'RE FINALLY SEPARATEDBY AN OLDER WOMAN.

SHE GOES, "WHAT THE HELLHAPPENED HERE?"

AND THE ONE GUYANSWERS,

"THAT S.O.B. DOESN'T THINKI CAN OUTRUN A FLAMINGO!"

"MILLER TIME"RIGHT THERE.

I THINK THAT WOULD BE

- HERE WE ARE LIVEAT THE SILVER BEAR OPEN.

BOB PATTERSONNOW ON THE GREEN.

AND BACK GOESTHE CLUB NOW,

AND...HE'S MADE CONTACTWITH THE BALL.

OH, MY GOD, THIS ISFINALLY HAPPENING, FOLKS!

IT MIGHT BE--IT COULD BE, IT'S...

GO-O-O-O-O--

O-O-O-O-O--

O-O-OLF.

YOU'RE WATCHING GOLF.

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