Suicide

  • Season 1, Ep 6
  • 07/13/2011

Jon visits the nation's suicide capital, and the chief of police cracks a cold case.

- WE'LL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR PET!

- WHEN SHAUNA MET JACK,HER POMERANIAN,

IT WAS LOVEAT FIRST SIGHT.

- HI, I'M SHAUNA,BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME CUPCAKE.

THIS IS JACK,

UM, I'VE HAD JACKFOR 2 1/2 YEARS.

- SHAUNA THINKSTHAT JACK ADORES HER!

- YEAH, I THINKTHAT JACK A-ADORES ME.

- WELL, TODAYTHE "LOOK LIKE YOUR PET" CREW

WILL MAKE SHAUNALOOK LIKE HER PET.

- THIS IS IT, THIS IS IT.

SHAUNA OLSEN, SHAUNA OLSEN,

WE'RE HERE TOMAKE YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR PET.

SHAUNA OLSEN.

COME ON OUT, SHAUNA.

THERE YOU ARE,WE'RE COMING UP.

SHAUNA.- YES?

- HI, I'M JON.- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- ALL RIGHT,SO ARE YOU EXCITED?

WHERE'S YOUR PET?- JACK!

- HI, JACK.

JACK IS A--- POMERANIAN.

- AND JACK IS A BOY?- YES.

- JACK COULD BEA GIRL'S NAME.

COULD BE, RIGHT?

YOU WANNA GET STARTED?- YEAH.

- BECAUSE WE'RE GONNA MAKE YOULOOK LIKE YOUR PET.

- YAAY!

JACKIE, MOMMY GETS TO LOOKLIKE YOU.

- OKAY.

- YOU--YOU'RE GONNALOOK JUST LIKE YOUR PET.

- YAAY, JACKIE!

HI.- THIS IS TARA.

SHE'S THE MAKE UP ARTIST.- NICE TO MEET YOU.

- SHE'S THE BESTOF THE BEST.

SIT DOWN RIGHT HERE.- I'M SO EXCITED.

- WELL, LET'S DO IT,LET'S DO IT,

YOU'RE GONNA LOOKJUST LIKE YOUR PET.

HOW WE DOIN'?

ARE WE MAKING HERLOOK LIKE HER PET?

YOU'RE GONNA LOOKLIKE YOUR PET PRETTY SOON!

WE MAKING PROGRESS?

YOU ARE REALLY STARTINGTO LOOK LIKE YOUR PET.

[laughs]

- [gasps] I LOVE IT!

I TOTALLY LOVE IT!- LET'S BRING IN JACK.

LOOK AT YOU TWO.

- I'M SO EXCITED.- THAT'S GREAT.

IT REALLY DOES LOOK GREAT.

AND NOW WE'RE OUTSIDE,

AND YOU LOOKLIKE YOUR PET.

- I KNOW, I LOVE IT.

- WE'RE WALKINGDOWN YOUR STREET.

THIS IS WHERE YOU LIVE.- YEAH.

- AND YOU LOOKJUST LIKE YOUR PET.

- JACK, WE'RE TWINS.- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE GONNAGO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

AND YOU LOOKLIKE YOUR PET.

OKAY, SHAUNA,HERE WE ARE,

WE'RE AT THE OFFICESOF DOCTOR NATHAN KUMERLY.

HE'S A THERAPIST.- OH.

- HE'S GONNATALK TO YOU FOR A LITTLE BIT.

- OKAY.

- YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKEYOUR PET THE WHOLE TIME.

- HELLO, UH--- HI.

YOU DO, IN FACT,LOOK A LOT LIKE YOUR PET.

- YAAY! JACKIE,WE LOOK ALIKE.

- WHY DO YOU THINK YOULOOK SO MUCH LIKE YOUR PET?

I GUESS I'M JUSTGONNA ASK IT AGAIN.

WHY DO YOU THINK YOULOOK SO MUCH LIKE HIM?

- WELL, SHAUNA, THAT'S IT.- OH.

- DID YOU HAVE FUN?- YES!

- YOU REALLY DID LOOKLIKE YOUR PET ALL DAY.

- IT WAS SO MUCH FUN.- WELL, THANKS FOR BEING ON.

WE'LL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR PET.

BYE, SHAUNA!BYE, JACK!

- WHO WE GOTUP FIRST HERE?

- UH, NATHAN FIELDER.

- OKAY, I'M GOIN' IN.

OKAY.

MR. FIELDER.

- YOU CAN CALL ME NATHAN.

MR. FIELDERIS WHAT I CALL MY [bleep].

- [laughs]

THAT'S FUNNY.

OKAY, NATHAN.

I JUST NEED TOASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS

REGARDINGTHE MURDER INVESTIGATION

OF YOUR CO-WORKER, LEO ALLEN.

- YEAH, I'M STILL IN SHOCK.

- CAN YOU TELL METHE LAST TIME YOU SAW LEO?

- LAST NIGHT AT HAGGERTY'S,WE WERE ALL DRINKING TOGETHER.

- OKAY.

AND WERE YOU THEREWHEN HE LEFT?

- I LEFT FIRST,I WENT BACK TO THE MOTEL

BUT HE WAS STILL THERE.

- AND DO YOU KNOWIF ANYONE ON THE SHOW

HAD ANY SORT OFPROBLEM WITH LEO?

- NOT THATI CAN...THINK OF.

- NATHAN.

NATHAN WAS THE ONLY ONEI'M AWARE OF THAT HAD

REAL SERIOUSPERSONAL PROBLEMS WITH LEO.

- WHAT WAS THE NATUREOF THE PROBLEM?

- WELL, UH, NATHANWAS REALLY UPSET BECAUSE

UH, HE HAD JUST FOUND OUTTHAT LEO WAS DATING HIS MOM.

AND WHEN HE BROKE IT OFF,I GUESS LEO

HAD TAKEN A LOT OF MONEYFROM NATHAN'S MOM

AND CHARGED, LIKE,$10,000 ON HER CREDIT CARD.

BUT IN FAIRNESS,THOSE WERE THE ONLY WOMEN

THAT LEOWAS ATTRACTED TO.

OLDER, WEALTHY,RECENTLY DIVORCED,

VERY UNHAPPY,EMOTIONALLY RAW--

- WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

- LAST WEEK.

- IS THERE ANYONE ELSETHAT MIGHT WANT LEO DEAD?

- JON.

DEFINITELY JON.

HE'S HAD BIG PROBLEMSWITH LEO EVER SINCE

HE STARTED WRITINGFOR THE SHOW.

THAT'S JON THOUGH,HE'S GOT MASSIVE ANGER ISSUES.

BUT I DON'T THINKHE WOULD MURDER LEO.

BUT THEN AGAINI WOULDN'T BET AGAINST IT.

UNLESS OF COURSE I HADA GAMBLING ADDICTION LIKE JON.

- UH, JON OWE MONEY TO LEO?

- JON DIDUSE LEO'S COMPUTER

TO RUN UP THOUSANDS OF DOLLARSIN DEBT PLAYING ONLINE POKER,

SO I GUESS THAT'S A YES.

- LEO FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?

- OH, YEAH,HE WAS PRETTY UPSET.

HE CONFRONTED JON ABOUT IT.IT GOT PRETTY HEATED.

CHOKING, SLAPPING,THAT KIND OF THING.

- OKAY. IS THERE ANYTHINGELSE YOU CAN TELL US

THAT CAN HELP US OUTWITH OUR INVESTIGATION?

ANYTHING AT ALL.

- DAVE SOLD ECSTASY TO LEO.

- DAVE SOLD ECSTASY.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOWIF HE, LIKE, SELLS FOR REAL.

BUT HE SELLSTO FRIENDS AND STUFF.

- DID LEO OWE MONEYTO DAVE?

- ALL I KNOW IS THAT DAVESOLD A LOT OF ECSTASY TO LEO,

BECAUSE LEO HADA LOT OF DRUG PROBLEMS.

- THERE ARE MANYCITIES LIKE THIS ONE

ALL OVER THE COUNTRYWHERE JOBS ARE HARD TO COME BY,

AND THE ECONOMYIS STRUGGLING.

BUT THIS ONE PARTICULARCOMMUNITY IS HARD AT WORK

TO REJUVENATE ITSELF.

AND BRINGA LIFE AND SPIRIT

BACK TO ITS LOCALS.

- SINCE WELOST OUR GM PLANT,

UH, IT'S BEENA STRUGGLE AROUND HERE.

A LOT OF PEOPLELOST THEIR JOBS.

- BUT I UNDERSTAND YOU'VE FOUNDA WAY TO TURN THINGS AROUND.

- WELL, WHEN I FIRST TOOK OFFICEOUR TEAM OF CITY PLANNERS,

THEY HAD LITTLETO WORK WITH.

BUT THEY DIDDISCOVER THAT WE HAD

THE SINGLE HIGHESTSUICIDE RATE IN THE COUNTRY.

- HMM.

- WHEN THEY TOLD ME THATI KNEW WE HAD SOMETHING.

- HAD SOMETHING?- THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THIS YEAR ALONEWE'RE LOOKING AT A 30% INCREASE

IN THE SUICIDE RATE.

- SO YOU'REINCREASING THE SUICIDE RATE?

- YOU HAVE TO LOOK ATTHE ECONOMICS OF IT ALL.

WHEN A PERSONIS GONNA COMMIT SUICIDE,

HE'S THINKINGIN SHORT TERM

AND HE'S GONNABLOW A LOT OF MONEY.

WE WANT HIM TO BLOW THAT MONEYRIGHT HERE IN MASON.

[upbeat music]

- I LOVELIVING HERE IN MASON.

IT'S A GREAT CITY,

WITH A VIBRANT SPIRIT

AND A SMALL-TOWN CHARM.

WE ALSO HAVEAN AMAZING ARRAY

OF NATURAL WONDERSHERE IN MASON.

THE GORGE...

WITH ITS 300 FOOT DROP ONTOAN OUTCROPPING OF CRAGGY ROCK.

AND OUR FOREST,

WHERE YOU CAN WANDER OFFAND NEVER SEE ANOTHER PERSON.

AND OUR BRIDGES.

WE HAVE NINE OF THEM

AND THREE BEING BUILT.

ALL OF THEMEASILY ACCESSIBLE BY FOOT.

OOPS.

LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA PITKINS

DROPPED ONE OF HERFAMOUS WATERMELONS,

GROWN LOCALLY,RIGHT HERE IN MASON.

- I'M PROUDTO HAVE MY STEAKHOUSE

RIGHT IN THE CENTEROF MASON SQUARE.

IF I WASHAVING MY LAST MEAL,

I DEFINITELYWOULD HAVE IT HERE.

BESIDES, WE OFFER FREE PARKINGTO ALL CUSTOMERS

IN PRIVATE ENCLOSED CARPORTS.

[motor running]

[car horn blaring]

- AND MASON HASOVER 60 MOTELS,

SO WHEN YOUCOME TO VISIT,

YOU'LL NEVERHAVE TO WORRY

ABOUT FINDINGA SOUNDPROOF ROOM.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MR. MAYOR?

- THAT'S RIGHT, JANICE.

AND I'M PROUD TO BETHE MAYOR OF MASON,

A CITY WITHSO MUCH TO OFFER

AND A WONDERFULPLACE TO BE.

SO DISCOVER MASON,

YOU WON'T REGRET IT.

[upbeat music]

- THE SUPREME COURTRULED FOUR DECADES AGO

THAT PORNOGRAPHY IS LEGALFOR CONSENTING ADULTS

TO CONSUME INTHE PRIVACY OF THEIR OWN HOME.

EVEN SO, THIS ISSUE CONTINUESTO SHARPLY DIVIDE OUR COUNTRY.

AMONG THESEANTI-SMUT CRUSADERS

IS PORNOGRAPHY EXPERTMICHAEL CLARK.

NOW, MR. CLARK,

YOU BELIEVE THATA CASUAL USER

OF PORNOGRAPHY,EVEN IN THE PRIVACY

OF THEIR OWN HOME,

IS HELPING TODESTROY OUR SOCIETY?

- NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.- YES, YOU DID.

- NO, I DIDN'T.

I SAID I DIDN'T WANT YOUJERKING OFF IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- WHAT?

I CONTINUED TO DENYMY BOARDER'S ACCUSATIONS,

UNTIL HE PROVIDED USWITH THIS VIDEO HE MADE

BY PRESETTING HIS COMPUTER.

[muttering]

- THERE'S A MONSTERIN MY BEDROOM.

- AAH! MALCOLM!

IT'S BEEN THREE WEEKS

SINCE MY ROOMMATE MR. CLARKMADE THE VERY REASONABLE REQUEST

THAT I REFRAIN FROMMASTURBATING IN THE PUBLIC AREAS

OF OUR LIVING SPACE.

BECAUSE I'MA DISGUSTING PIG!

A PATHETICDIVORCED, MAN-PIG!

WITH PARTIAL CUSTODYOF A FOUR-YEAR-OLD SON!

WHO THINKS IMASTURBATE FOR A LIVING!

THIS IS ME!

I LOATHE ME!

EVERY [bleep] INCH OF ME!

ME! [bleep] ME!

YAA-YAA-YAAAA!

I'M EDWARD SHEATH.

SHAME ON ME.

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