The One with the Worst Jobs

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 08/06/2014

Jonah Ray and Kumail Nanjiani discuss the worst jobs they've ever had and host performances from Marc Maron, James Adomian, Chris Hardwick and Justin Willman.

Suppressing a lot of anger.Always.

The trick is, I'm trying toclose the gap between beingangry and apologizing.

I'm trying to get thattightened up a little bit.

Like, I've gotten it to thepoint where I've actuallyhad this moment...

where I'm like, "Shut the fuckup! I am sorry!"

It's the same with contemptand empathy, very close for me.

Like I was just walking downthe street. I see a guy,I don't know the guy.

Don't know anythingabout the guy.

I look up, my brain goes,"Screw that guy."

Like that quickly."Fuck that guy."

But then like within twoseconds, my brain went,"Aw, he's sad."

Very close.

I think when they're that close,you can call that contem-pathy.

Which I think is a fine concept.

I used to live in New York. I'vebeen in LA for about a decade.

I left New York and I don't missit, I don't care about it.

I don't compare the two cities.I was ready to leave New York.

And there's nothing to complainabout really, here, I find.

Except for one thing andit's a fairly hackney thing...

but it's an absolute truth.

I know for a fact that ifI get into my car...

within 20 minutes, I'm gonnabe fucking furious.

Like within 20 minutes,I'll just be in my car...like that!

And I can only hope thatlike two people who drive upbeside me...

and one'll say to the otherlike, "What's that guy madabout?"

And the other guy will say like,"I don't know, but it happeneda long time ago, I think."

I think that traffic,as a reality...

that we can explore existentialissues in a very real way.

Like justice, closure--

Like have you had the momentwhere you're there.

You've invested the time.You have no choice.

Let's say-- let's give it35 minutes.

You're kind of not moving much.

Then it starts to movea little bit.

And then it starts to movefreely, but there's no evidenceof anything causing it.

So, and you have that momentwhen you're like, "That wasabout fucking nothing?"

Like there's-- there's nojustice in the world?

There's no explanation for that.

Like, I don't thinkI wanted to see a dead guy.

I didn't want to see a dead guy.

But an aggravated guy, you know,with a fucked up car going...

"Heh-heh", you know,like that would be good.

Just so I could say like, "Fuckthat guy.

"Naw, he's in trouble."

Bravo!What?

Bravo for the performanceon the stage!

JONAH (O.S.)Who-- who are you?

It is I, the Sheriffof Nottingham.

Silence, you fools!Oh!

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

Out of here.

Allow me to reintroduce myself.

I am the Sheriffof Nottingham...

and the duly appointedmagistrate of theSherwood Forest.

I am here for one reason only.

I have a writ of attainder,a warrant for the arrest andimmediate execution...

of Robin of Locksley...

for treason, arson...

and destructionof the King's property.

I assure you, I'm authorizedto conduct investigations...

to round up and dealwith as I desire--

Aw, fuck you.

All outlaws, scofflaws,brigands, braggartsand merry men.

So he's over here then,Robin Hood, I don't smell him.

I do smell Saxon blood, though.

Isn't that right, Friar Tuck?

Forgive me, Father,for I have sinned.

There's no way to resistan evil blow job.

But I assure you, I am notmerely a caricatureof a gay villain.

I love it.

Yeah, that's true.

Cry not, weep not,tremble little...

for today is your wedding day!

Bring the matrimonial wine!

Thank you. Kneel!

Do I, Reginald BirminghamOglethorpe...

the 28th, and right honorablegood Sheriff of Nottingham...

take you to be my--

Yes, I do.

And do you, Marian, whore...

take me to be your masterfor ever and ever?

No matter what I do to you?

She does! She does! She does!

Gah--!

Away with us, Marian!

And if Robin, you cowardSaxon dog be here!

Come quickly as I come slowlyinside of your beloved.

Come, Robin Hood!Where's the fucking door?

Come, Robin Hood!

James Adomian, everybody!

I worked at a sex toy warehouse.

Sex toy warehouse?

Yeah, it wasn't the nameof the store.

It was just a real warehousewhere they put the sex toys.

Like-- like when you-- Sir, whenyou go to the sex toy store...

Sir, when you go tothe sex toy store.

No, no, no, no.No, you, bro!

Yeah, yeah.

When you go to the sex toystore, sir...

you don't think of the guy who'sjob it is to carry the dildosfrom the warehouse to the truck.

Well, that was me for a week.

I had to carry dildosevery day, 20 of them.

I got better at it, you know.Better at carrying them.

Yeah.

And my boss would always callthem items or merchandise.

And I'm all wanting to be like,"You mean dildos?

Yeah."Say dildos."

Terrible job.Less than minimum wage.

I made less than the minimum--and he was like--

Well, the perks, you know?

You get dildos at cost.

One time, I fuckeda blow-up doll.

It's not weird,I was 19-years-old.

Like someone gave it to mefor my birthday...

and you can fuck your presentsif you want to.

You can totally fuck any one ofyour presents if you want to.

If it happens to be shapedlike a plastic lady...

you're in luck, great.

So, I was 19, it was a verystandard-issue blow-up doll.

Just that sort of like--that kind of look.

The standard-issue blow-up dollsort of looks like--

It has this expression likeif you were driving really lateat night...

and someone ran in frontof your car and you slammedon the brakes...

and you almost hit him,but you didn't...

and then they just went--

But in that instance,you don't go, "Oh, I shouldput a dick in there."

Like, you don't do that.I had it, it was--

The roommates went to sleep.It was 3:00 in the morning.

I crept into the bathroomwith it, her, it.

Her? Her. It?It, you think so?

All right, okay. I guess thisdoesn't even really matter.

Like, it's just latex...

like it could be shaped likeBarney the dinosaur and itwouldn't fucking matter.

I hope that would neverbe the case.

So, I take it into the bathroom.There's no lock.

So at any time, one of myroommates could come in and th--

You can't explain that! There isno way that you can--

You can't talk your wayout of it.

You can't be like,"Uh, this isn't mine."

Like there's nothing youcan say if they catch you.

So if, by the way...

you are ever caught in themiddle of the night doingsomething perverse...

The best tactic that you haveis to commit to your act.

Try to trick your roommate intothinking they're dreaming.

So just don't break eye contact.Continue your activity...

and just be like, "And thosereports better be on my deskby 9:00 AM."

He'll be like,"Right, 9:00 AM, okay."

So the blow-up doll, like we--I-- it starts, it's weird.

It sounds like the noisessound like someone's--

A clown is twisting balloonanimals with a gun to his head.

And it started to deflate.R'oh.

Which would be an amazing mutantpower for a woman to have.

Like if you started to fucksomeone and you were instantlylike, "Uck, I'm out of here."

Pfff.

Just watch the guy be like,"What is happening? What magicis this?"

Loading...