Bobby McFerrin vs. Michael Winslow

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 03/13/2012

Jordan and Keegan debate who is blacker, and Bobby McFerrin duels Michael Winslow.

SO GLAD WE COULD BRING THISPROJECT TO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

- IT'S SO RICHIN HISTORY.

- I GREW UP IN A NEIGHBORHOODLIKE THIS.

- OH, YEAH, I GREW UPIN A NEIGHBORHOOD

EXACTLY LIKE THIS.

- ALL RIGHT,WELCOME TO MAMA SUGARBACK'S.

Y'ALL READY TO ORDER?- YEAH.

CAN I HAVE A CHICKEN FRIED STEAKWITH GRAVY AND A COLA?

- OKAY.

- I WILL HAVE THE BAKED BEEFSHORT RIBS WITH COLLARD GREENS,

AND THROW DOWNSOME OF THAT CORNBREAD.

- ALL RIGHT, BABE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT?HOLD UP A SECOND.

I'M ALSO GONNA HAVESOME OF THEM

COLLARD GREENS AND CORNBREADAS WELL,

BUT HOOK A BROTHER UPWITH SOME OF THEM HOT LINKS.

- ALL RIGHT.- ALL RIGHT.

- [chuckles] YOU KNOW WHAT?WHY AM I TRYING TO FRONT?

SCRATCH ALL THAT.

GIVE ME SOME OKRAAND SOME FRIED RED SNAPPER.

AND GIRL, YOU KNOW I WANTSOME CHITLINS.

- ALL RIGHT NOW.

- Y'ALL GOT HAM HOCKS?

- OF COURSE.- WELL, THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

I WANT A PLATE OF HAM HOCKS,DEEP-FRIED, BLACKENED,

AND SERVED ON A BEDOF MUSTARD GREENS.

- PIG FEET.

I WANT SOME PIG FEETAND FOUR POUNDS OF GRITS.

AND OH, OH!AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

GIVE ME A LITTLE DIXIE CUPFULL OF LARD, ALL RIGHT?

- I JUST REMEMBERED WHAT I WANT.A BOWL OF MOSQUITOES.

NONE OF THEM TINY ONES EITHER,GIVE ME THEM BIG MOTHER[bleep]

YOU FINDDOWN AT THE SWAMPS.

- SISTER, COULD YOU PLEASEHOOK A BROTHER UP

WITH A RUSTY BUCKETFULL OF FISH HEADS

WRAPPED IN RAZOR WIRE?

- DONKEY TEETH.- DONKEY TEETH?

- STRAIGHT OUTA DONKEY'S MOUTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? [bleep] IT.ANY ANIMAL TOOTH WILL DO.

I WANT YOU TO STICK ITIN SOME HONEY GLAZE,

FRY IT WITH FAT BACK,

AND SERVE ITIN AN OLD TIN COFFEE CAN.

- FORGET EVERYTHING I SAIDUP TO THIS POINT RIGHT NOW.

BRING ME SOME DANDELION GREENS,A COW HIP, AND A DOG FACE.

WRAP THAT WHOLE MESSIN AN OLD EBONY MAGAZINE,

AND SERVE IT TO MEIN A SHOEBOX.

- OKAY, I WANT A PLATTEROF STORK ANKLES,

AN OLD CELLAR DOOR,A POSSUM SPINE,

AND A HUMAN FOOT.

- YOU WANT A HUMAN FOOT?

- MM-HMM.

- I GOT JUST ONE QUESTIONFOR Y'ALL.

- YOU WANT GRAVYON THAT CELLAR DOOR?

- OH, DEFINITELY.

- OH, YEAH, YEAH.YOU GOTTA PUT GRAVY ON THAT.

- WHAT'S A CELLAR DOORWITHOUT GRAVY?

- IT'S NOT FOOD.

- MMM.

- IT'S REALLY--[chokes]

- UGH.

- WHEN SHE DOES TALK,LIKE, YOU'RE LISTENING.

, OH, MY GOD.LAST TIME, I WAS LIKE,

"WHO ARE YOU?YOU'RE BRILLIANT."

- I KNOW.- [gasps] OH, MY GOD!

- [gasps]OH, MY GOD.

both: OH, MY GOD!- AMY, LOOK AT THAT ONE!

- OH, MEGAN!- HE IS SO CUTE.

- THAT ISTHE CUTEST F-ING PUPPY

I'VE EVER SEENIN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

- OH, MY GOD,I'M JUST GONNA TAKE HIM,

AND I JUST WANNA BITEHIS LITTLE EARS OFF.

- I JUST WANNA TAKEHIS LITTLE LEGS,

AND I COULD SNACK ON 'EMLIKE CHICKEN DRUMETTES.

- YEAH, I JUST WANNA TAKEHIS FUZZY LITTLE PERFECT HEAD.

I WANNA PUT IT IN MY MOUTHAND SQUEEZE DOWN ON IT HARD

UNTIL I HAVE A PUPPY FACEDIAMOND IN MY MOUTH.

- MM, I FEEL LIKE I HAVETO WRAP HIS FACE IN A TOWEL

AND THEN BEAT ITWITH A TIRE IRON.

- I'M GOING TO BUY THAT DOG,I'M GOING DRIVE HIM TO THE VET,

AND I'M GOING TO HAVE HIMPUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY.

- [gasps]OH, MY GOD.

YOU WHAT I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO?- WHAT?

- I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKETHAT SCRUFFY LITTLE NOSE...

- YES.- AND JUST KICK IT.

I JUST HAVE TO--- YES.

- I WOULD KICK ITUNTIL IT COMES UP ON MY SHOES

LIKE LITTLE PUPPYSNOUT SLIPPERS.

AND THEN I'M GONNA GOTO A PARTY AND EVERYONE'S LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD, WHERE'D YOUGET THOSE SLIPPERS?"

I'LL BE LIKE, "THESE AREMY FACE SLIPPERS

FROM MY ADORABLE,DUMB LITTLE PUPPY."

- THAT'S EXACTLY WHATI WAS GOING TO SAY!

- ESP!

- OH, MY GOD, I JUST WANNATAKE HIS HEAD.

I WANNA PEEL THE SKINOFF OF HIS SKULL.

- I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

- I WANNA JUST START THROWING ITUP LIKE PIZZA DOUGH.

UNTIL IT'S LONG, FLAT,AND ROUND.

I WANNA TAKE IT TO A PICNIC ANDTOSS IT AROUND LIKE A FRISBEE

AT A PUPPY-FACE-FRISBEEPICNIC!

- LET'S GET HIM!- YEAH!

- SO CUTE.- SO CUTE.

OH, MY GOD,IS IT ME,

OR IS IT LIKE TOTALLYMOSQUITO-Y OUT HERE?

- OH, MY GOD,REMEMBER THIS ONE?

HE WAS SO CUTE.- SO CUTE.

- JUST GOT YOUR CHECK.- YEAH.

DAMN.

LOOK HOW MUCH I LOSTIN TAXES.

DAMN GOVERNMENT!LOOK AT THAT.

MIGHT AS WELL JOINTHE TEA PARTY.

- EXCUSE ME.WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

- "MIGHT AS WELL JOINTHE TEA PARTY."

- COME WITH ME.- WHOA!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE.

- WHAT THE HELLARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

- WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.- WAITING FOR ME? WHAT?

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?- I FOUND HIM!

[cheers and applause]

- TELL THEM WHAT YOU WERETELLING YOUR FRIEND.

- I HATE TAXES?

- WHAT DO YOU FIND APPEALING

ABOUT THE POLITICSOF THE TEA PARTY?

- I'M NOT A POLITICIAN.- A REAL MAN OF THE PEOPLE.

- HOW DO YOU FEELABOUT THE SECOND AMENDMENT?

- I DON'T WANT THIS.

- TAKEN AWAY FROM YOUJUST LIKE THE REST OF US.

ONE OF MANY ISSUESYOU'RE PASSIONATE ABOUT.

OH!SMILE.

[cheers and applause]- OH!

- NOW COME MEET YOUR PUBLIC.- PUBLIC?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?I AIN'T GOT NO PUBLIC.

WHAT IS THIS?

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE NEW LEADEROF THE MINNESOTA TEA PARTY

AND THE NEXT PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?- TERRELL JACKSON.

- PERFECT.TERRELL JACKSON!

[cheers and applause]- AH!

LOOK, LOOK, I DON'T WANTANY PART OF THIS, ALL RIGHT?

- YOU HATE THE GOVERNMENT.THAT'S GREAT!

- SHOW US YOUR GUN AGAIN!

- LOOK, Y'ALL ARE JUSTTOO CREEPY.

YOU CAN HAVE THIS BACK.[gunshot]

AH!crowd: OH!

- GREAT! WHERE ARE WE GONNA FINDANOTHER BLACK GUY?

- HEY, BABY.- MM.

- WAKE UP.

- MM,WHAT TIME IS IT?

- [chuckles quietly]

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?- GOOD MORNING.

[camera snaps]- HEY!

- COME ON, GIRL.IT'S TIME TO GET UP.

LET'S GO!

- DELETE THE PICTURE,MOTHER[bleep]ER!

- OKAY, UM, UH,DELETE.

DELETING IT.UM, DELETE PHOTO.

OKAY.

IT'S GONE.IT'S ALL GONE.

[panting]

- THANKS, BABY.MM.

HOW DO YOU WANT YOUR EGGS?

- SCRAMBLED.

- SERGEANT CRANDALL,UNITED STATES ARMY RECRUITER.

HOW Y'ALL DOING?

THIS IS MY ASSOCIATESERGEANT GRAHAM PACKS.

YEAH!

- HUH-HUH!HUH, HUH, HUH-HUH!

HA, HA, HA.NICE BEAT, GENTLEMEN.

- WE WANNA TALK TO YOUABOUT YOUR FUTURE

AND WHERE YOU FIT INTHE UNITED STATES ARMY, Y'ALL!

- YEAH, IN CASEYOU HAVEN'T HEARD,

WE ARE ASKING,AND YOU'RE TELLING.

- THAT'S RIGHT,NO RESTRICTIONS, MAN.

YOU GONNA BE SURROUNDEDBY DUDES ALL DAY.

Y'ALL CAN EXERCISE TOGETHER.YOU CAN SHOWER TOGETHER.

- TALKING 'BOUT SOAP, WATER--THE WORKS!

- NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RETHINKING.

"THE ARMY'S DANGEROUS."

BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER ISEVERYTHING'S DANGEROUS.

- ALL DEPENDS ONWHAT YOUR DEFINITION

OF THE WORD "DANGER" IS.

- OH, YEAH!OH, HERE WE GO!

- WE GOT A FRIEND.ALL RIGHT.

- HEY!NAVY ALREADY GOT HIM.

BUT YOU'RE BETTER OFFIN THE ARMY

'CAUSE WE GONNA GET YOUIN THE BEST SHAPE

IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE!

- WHOO!TALKING 'BOUT A SIX PACK.

- BLIP!- GONNA GIVE YOU AN EIGHT PACK.

- SCLIP!- HEY, WE'LL EVEN GIVE YOU

A JET PACK.

- THAT'S A JOKE, MAN.HE A JOKE, HE A FUNNY GUY.

WE AIN'T GOT JET PACKS.- OH!

- OH, THAT'S MY CUT, MAN!

- OH, WHAT WHAT?

- GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD.

- YOU GOT TO ISOLATE,THEN ISOLATE,

THEN I-SO-LATE.- OH, YEAH!

TELL YOU SOMETHINGRIGHT NOW, MAN.

COMBAT IS JUST A BUNCH OF MENIN A TIGHT SPACE

WITH FLASHING LIGHTSAND LOUD NOISES.

- LIKE--[imitating bombs]

- JUST LIKE THIS.

- YEAH, YOU'LL FIT RIGHT INAT HOME.

- IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.OH, HERE IT IS.

OH, CAN'T STOP IT.CAN'T STOP IT.

- GO, CRANDALL.SERGEANT CRANDALL.

CRANDALL, CRANDALL, CRANDALL.AND HOLD IT.

- WHAT?- HOLD IT.

- GOTTA DO?

- AND HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.- BOO!

- I'M A ROBOT.- ROBOT.

EXCUSE ME THERE,YOUNG MAN.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUTJOINING THE UNITED STATES ARMY?

IT'S--OH, OH, EXCUSE ME.

I WILL, UH, TALK TO YOU TWOLATER, PARDON ME.

- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

- THIS IS YOUR LUCKY NIGHT.

I WANNA BE YOUR FANTASY.

WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO DO.

WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO TO ME.

YOU JUST TELL MEYOUR NAUGHTIEST FANTASIES, WILL,

AND YOU'LL GET IT.

- SERIOUSLY?

- SERIOUSLY.

- LIKE FOR REALSIES?- FOR REALSIES.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT WE CALL UPYOUR FRIEND ERICA--

AAH!

[thud]

- All right, so thisVandaveon and Mike again.

You know, hey, what's up,"Key & Peele"?

We ain't heard back yet.

You know, the showis still good, man.

Y'all still doing your thing.

But I ain't gonna lieto you, man.

You still making mistakes, dawg.

- Could be a little bitbetter, though.

Yeah, straight up.

- Still making mistakes,for real, man.

Like, in this week's show, man,

y'all had that scenecalled "Flicker," and whatnot.

You know the scene, man.

Like, you know,in the first part,

he in the kitchenand get flicked.

Then, the second part,in the toilet, he get flicked.

Then, he out at the grave site,

and the grave come up and flickhim in the nose, right?

And that was all good, man.

Y'all made one mistake, dawg.

Y'all should havemade them fingers dicks.

- Dicks, man.

Slap on the facewith dicks.

- I mean, that's my shitright there, man.

- Slap on the nosewith dick.

Slap on the facewith dick.

- I mean, that's my shit, man.

Why wouldn't you turnthem fingers into dicks?

Should have been like,"I need you in the kitchen,"

flick him with a dick.

- [laughing]

- You knowwhat I'm talking about?

Then you take his assover to--in the toilet,

and then that makesa lot of sense.

That makes perfect sense.

Just flick him with a dick.- With a dick.

- And then at the end, man,when he go to that grave,

he talking about, "Hey, man,

you didn't get me,you didn't get me,"

bone dick.

He's having a bone dick!

[laughter]

- Bone dick comingout the ground, nigga.

Bone dick comingout the ground.

- And then when you addclose-up,

this nigga's talking about,"What's down there?"

Blip, hit this motherfuckerin the nose with a dick.

- And then, eatingchicken wings later,

and they lickin' dick.

- Yeah.[laughing]

- Dick,you got to lick dick.

- You should have put thatin there, man.

Tell 'em, say it again, Mike.

Say it, they might nothave heard it--say it again.

- Nah, nigga, you say it.

- No, say it, dude, go ahead.

- You said it.- Okay, man.

He talking about, like,if you was eating chicken wings,

and then you had, like,sauce on your dick fingers,

and...

[laughing]

- Shit's nasty, though.

That's just stupid.

That's just stupid, son.

Quit being stupid.

Quit being stupid, though.

- He puts them little dicksin his mouth!

- I've said way more funnythings than that, nigga.

- [laughing]

Seriously, "Key & Peele,"come on, man.

Why you ain't hire us, man?- What y'all doing?

- Our shit is clearly funny,niggas.

- Shit is late.

- Seriously, man,we know when the show end.

If y'all don't starttaking our shit serious...

- Yeah.