Thursday, July 24, 2014

  • 07/24/2014

Marc Maron, Sara Schaefer and Kyle Kinane find out which bizarre Comic-Con panel is real, list #LameConventions and watch clips from horrifying children's shows.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET HEHAD LINES IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE)SO PAREIDOLIA A PSYCHOLOGICAL

PHENOMENAL THE ORGANIZINGRANDOM STIMULI INTO

MEANINGFUL PATTERNS, LIKEPEOPLE SEEING JESUS IN

TORTILLAS OR HEAR MUSIC ONSMASH BOX ALBUMS -- OR SEE A

FACE IN THIS CROP OF A PHOTOTHAT WENT VIRAL ON REDDIT

THIS WEEK.

THIS RIGHT HERE IS -- YOU THINKIT'S A FACE, IT'S NOT REALLY

A FACE. WHAT IS THE SOURCEOF THIS BOTTLE-TANNED

EASTER ISLAND HEAD?

IS IT A, PAULA DEEN'S SIDEBOOB?

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT IS WHAT IT IS.

>> WHICH ONE OF THE SIX.(LAUGHTER)

>> B, THE BACK OF THE ROCK'SHEAD

OR C, MICHAEL CHICLIS'S MUGSHOT. MARON.

>> BACK OF ROCK'S HEAD.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, YES,THE BACK OF THE ROCK'S HEAD.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THERE IT IS.

A LIVING HORCRUX FOR LORDVOLDEMORT, SURVIVING ON

SILVER UNICORN BLOOD.

(LAUGHTER)BUSINESS IN THE FRONT, FREAKY

SYMBIOTE IN THE BACK. THAT'S HOWTHE ROCK ROLLS.

>> COMEDIANS, GIVE ME THE FIRSTTWEETS FROM DWAYNE THE NECK

JOHNSON. MARC?

>> COULD SOMEBODY PLEASEKILL DWAYNE SO I CAN LIVE?

POINTS.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU POINTSFOR THAT. SARAH SHAEFER.

>> DWAYNE'S TRAINER SAYS ONLYTHREE MORE INJECTIONS AND THEN I

GET TO BE A REAL BOY.

>> POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> I LIKE TO THINK ALL THE

WAY DOWN THE BACK LIKE HE'SGOT HIS OWN LITTLE PENIS,

LITTLE TOES. THERE'S A WHOLEBACK.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE THE ROCK ISLIKE SQUINTING TO HERE

WITH-- (LAUGHTER)

LIKE, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

>> THEY'RE BOTHFRUSTRATESED.

>> GOD, I WISH I COULDJUST LOOK AT YOU.

(LAUGHTER)>> I HATE YOU NECK FACE.

WEIRD, IF YOU LOOK AT ITLONG ENOUGH YOU REALLY WANT

THE BACK ONE TO BE THE ONE.

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT, POINTS TO MARC

FOR THAT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU ARE AT COMIC-CONRIGHT NOW, WHICH I WILL BE,

AND DON'T WANT TO WAIT IN AMASSIVE LINE TO SEE ME, CHRIS

HARDWICK, JUMPING AROUND ONSTAGE LIKE A GODDAMN

CHIMPANZEE, CHECK OUT THE CONSITE FOR MORE INTIMATE PANELS

LIKE THIS ONE.

GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE,CANCELED.

OH!

>> COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESEIS AN ACTUAL PANEL TAKING

PLACE IN SAN DIEGO THISYEAR FOR SDCC.

A, HOW TO BE A NERD FOR ALIVING.

B, COPING WITH MINECRAFTADDICTION.

C, THE FOX IN THE HOUND, ACELEBRATION OF EROTIC FURRY

ART.

YES, MARC.

>> IT'S A, AND YOU'RE HOSTINGIT.

>> YES, STOP IT!

GODDAMN IT.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

>> NOT ONLY IS COMIC-CONHAPPENING THIS WEEK BUT IT'S

ALSO ROLLER CON WHERE THEBEAUTIFUL BRUTES OF ROLLER DERBY

CONVERGE ON LAS VEGAS.

SINCE NOT ALL CONVENTIONS CAN BETHIS COOL, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

LAME CONVENTION, EXAMPLES WOULDBE:

HERPES-CON, OR GATHERING OFTHE SECOND BECKYS FROM ROSEANN.

60 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK ANDGO.

>> YES, SARAH SHAEFER.

CON-CON, ALSO KNOWN AS PRISON.

>> YES, POINTS.

NICE. MARC.

>> NEUROTIC-CON, I HAVE ATENT BE THERE, IT'S OKAY, NO,

IT'S NOT REALLY. IT'S NICE, IT'SFINE.

>> POINTS. KYLE.

>> TOYOTA-THON.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

>> WRATH OF KHAN-CON.

>> YES POINTS. I THINK YOU MEANWRATH OF KHAAAN!.

>> ANOTHER ONE. >> YES.

>> CHAKA KHAN

>> YES, POINTS. PERFECT. SARAHSHAEFER.

>> GATHERING OF THERUFFALOS.

IT'S A MARK RUFFALOIMPERSONATORS GATHER.

>> POINTS. POINTS. KYLE.

>> STAR WARS, GIVE IT ARESTFEST.

>> I WILL GIVE YOU POINTSALTHOUGH I OPPOSE THE CONCEPT.

MARC.

>> CON ON THE COBB

>> POINTS, YES, I LOVE IT,SARAH SCHAEFER.

>> MENOPAUSE-CON.

LAME -- YOU WANTED LAME.

>> THAT WOULD BE A BAD ONE.

>> I GAVE YOU LAME.>> POINTS. KYLE.

>> INTERNATIONAL MR. PLETHEROF VEGAN BONDISH FESTIVAL.

(APPLAUSE)>> POINTS.

TAKE BACK THE NIGHTMARE.

>> SAY FRIEND, ARE YOU SPENDINGTOO MANY NIGHTS SLEEPING SOUNDLY

THROUGH THE NIGHT.

WELL WE'VE GOT A CURE FOR THAT.I WILL SHOW YOU A CLIP FROM A

SHOW ACTUALLY MEANT FORCHILDREN, AND THEN YOU COME

UP WITH A MORE APPROPRIATETITLE.

FIRST ONE, THIS UNLIKELYCHINESE WARRIOR--

(LAUGHTER)

>> THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEROCK'S NECK GROWS UP.

(APPLAUSE)>> FINE

THE NIGHT THE FLESHLIGHTBECAME A REAL BOY.

>> NICE, POINTS.

>> IT'S LIKE FETAL ALCOHOL,TELETUBBIE SENSA.

(LAUGHTER)>> CAN WE GO TO THE NEXT ONE.

>> NEXT ONE, THIS IS WHATTHIS GUY DOES WHEN HE'S NOT

INTRODUCING HIMSELF TO HISNEIGHBORS.

>> TAP, TAP, TAP YOUR HEAD,TAP YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU GO TO BED

(LAUGHTER)>> DID ANYONE ELSE THINK OF

SOMEONE IN A ROOM LIKE, TAP,TAP, TAP, TAPPING. YES, MARC.

>> REPRESSED REPRESSEDREPRESS

THOSE MEMORIES.

>> TAP, TAP, TAP MY BALLS,IF YOU TELL ANYONE I'LL KILL

YOUR MOM.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

>> NEXT ONE THIS HIPPIEFREDDIE KRUEGER, I GUESS

WOULD BE A GOOD -->> HAVE YOU EVER GONE TO SLEEP

AND THEN YOU'RE SOMEWHERE ELSE?AND THERE'S THINGS HAPPENING?

IT'S KIND OF FUN OR MAYBE IT'SKIND OF SCARY.

>> YES, MARC.

>> YO GABA GABA, HEY I'M GOINGTO KILL.

>> POINTS. KYLE.

(APPLAUSE)>> DR. TEETH IN THE ELECTRIC

MAYHEM, THE HEROIN YEARS.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS.

>> HEY MAN, THEY LIVED THROUGHTHE 70s. SARAH?

>> FRAG EL ROCK BOTTOM.

>> POINTS, PERFECT, YES.

>> JUGGALOK CUPID.

HERE IN THE MIDST OF THE ANUALCOMING TOGETHER OF INSANE CLOWN

POSE FANS KNOWN AS THEGATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS

AND IT IS NOT ALL TIPPINGOVER PORTA POTTIES AND SAMPLING

NEW STRAINS OF BATH SALTS.

THEY ARE ALSO LOOKING TO MAKE ALOVE CONNECTION.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PICTUREFROM A JUGALO'S OKCUPID PROFILE

AND YOU HAVE TO SAY WHICH IS ANACTUAL QUOTE FROM THEIR PROFILE.

SOMETIMES THE ANSWERS MAYSURPRISE YOU.

>> THIS RANDY JESTER UNDERWHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE,

DID HE WRITE BEING WICKED AS[BLEEP] AND WORKING ON MY

GED WORKING AT UPS.

OR SMOKE A BLUNTS, POUND ABREWS AND TRYING TO GET

CUSTODY OF KIDS.

>> SARAH.

>> BEING WICKED [BLEEP]WORKING ON MY GED AND

WORKING AT UPS.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

>> BEING WICKED [BLEEP], WORKINGON MY GED!

>> VALLEY FORGE IS GETTING SOMELOVE PACKAGES.

>> KYLE, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AT AGATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS?

>> WHAT WOULD I DO?

PROBABLY BLEND IN, SADLY.

THIS FAIR MAIDEN, UNDER "WHATI'M INTO" DID SHE WRITE:

TINY LESBIAN MIDGETS HAVING SEXWITH OBESE WOMEN, OR

SMOKING WEED AND BANGING WHILEWE WATCH AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME

VIDEO. KYLE?

>> LET IT BE THE SECOND ONE,I'LL MARRY HER.

>> OKAY.

>> THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO.

LET'S FIND OUT.

WHICH ONE.

>> TINY LESBIAN MIDGETS HAVE SEXWITH OBESE WOMEN.

SORRY, KYLE, NO MATCH.>> I'M HEARTBROKEN.

>> NOW AMERICA KNOWS WHATYOU WANT.

(LAUGHTER)>> LIKE IT WAS A BIG SECRET

BEFORE.

ROLLER NO BALLS.

>> ROLLER CON IS IN FULLFORCE IN LAS VEGAS THIS WEEKEND,

CELEBRATING ALL THINGSROLLER DERBY. IF ARE YOU

UNFAMILIAR ROLLER DERBY SAYSPORT WHERE WOMEN ON ROLLER

SKATES BEAT EACH OTHER UP ASTHEY SKATE AROUND A TRACK.

I THINK OTHER THINGS HAPPENBUT I'M NOT SURE WHAT IT IS.

ROLLER DERBY NAMES ARE OFTENVIOLENT, SOMETIMES SEXY AND

ALWAYS PUNNY.

ACCORDING TO ROLLERDERBY.COM,SOME REAL ROLLER DERBY NAMES

INCLUDE GORY SPELLING ANDLAGUANA BEYOTCH.

COMEDIANS, I WANTS TO YOU COMEWITH AS MANY NAMES AS YOU CAN.

I'M GONNA PUT60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND GO! MARC.

>> TITLER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> NOW I WANT TO SEE A TITLER MUSTACHE.

>> POINTS. SARAH SCHAEFER

>> FIST-IN WIG

>> POINTS. KYLE.

>> SHERYL FROM STARBUCKS.

(LAUGHTER)

POINTS. POINTS. MARC.

>> CLITTER BUG.

YES, POINTS! SARAH.

>> ELEANOR BRUISEEVELT.

YES POINTS. GOOD ONE. POINTS.KYLE.

>> DIANE WITH A RESCUE PITBULL.

(LAUGHTER)>> POINTS. POINTS. SARAH.

>> SLIPPERY NIPPLER.

ALL RIGHT MARC. NO POINTS T WASSARAH'S TURN.

IT WAS SARAH'S TURN, I SAIDSARA.

>> ZOEY DESCHA-HELL.

>> POINTS. GOOD ONE. GOOD ONE.KYLE.

>> BEATRICE FROM THE VEGANCRAFT BEER BAR.

POINTS. MARC.

>> THE BRAZILIAN.

>> YES, POINTS. SARAH.

>> MARGARET CHOKEABITCH.

>> OH, THAT'S AMAZING. POINTS.KYLE.

>> LET ME SEE WHAT'S COMINGHERE.

LUCY FROM YARN BARN.

>> I THINK YOU COULD HAVEJUST SAID YARN BARN.

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