Kightlinger, Posehn, Kindler

  • Season 2, Ep 0219
  • 05/19/1993

That's our only quota,by the way-- two drinks.

That's the way we book the show.

People are just people.

We were going to book the show--you know-- on a merit basis.

The best people arethe best people.

That turned out to bea hassle-- watching

all the comedian'stapes and everything.

So what we did was we just wenton a first serve-- first come,

first serve kind of a thing.

And then we just usethe tapes to tape

movies at home on the VCR.

Um, so you know, you figure onecomic the other comic-- it's

all the-- you watch TV longenough, you'll see them all.

You know, I was watchingTV the other day,

and I saw-- youknow what I saw was

an ad for those offat-free desserts.

Those things are alittle scary to me,

because you have towonder if there's

no fat in there, whatis in there instead?

You know what I mean?

If they take the fat out, theyhave to put something back.

Well, they don't have to.

Some of those diet desserts,they just take the fat out,

and we all know thosetaste like sweetened dirt.

But the one-- if ittastes kind of good,

you know, then it's thatartificial, fat-substitute

chemical stuff, whichthey can't really prove

is bad, because thelab rats won't eat it.

you know, they'rejust-- could we

have some more of thatsweetened dirt, please.

It's all undigestible.

The fat substitute the wayit works it's undigestible.

It just goes right to go throughyou, like poker chips or BBs.

The stuff, like when you were akid you used to eat that stuff,

except this is chemicals, likebrake fluid and shoe polish,

which, that doesn't soundthat good to-- well, the shoe

polish.

Anyway, what happens is yoursystem just tries to digest it.

Is that what youwant-- white corpuscles

attacking your dessert?

That should be a clue thatyou've eaten the wrong thing.

Hey, here's somethingthat my body's

going to reject fasterthan a baboon's liver.

I think I'll use it to whipup some scones, you know?

It's like they replace thefat with carcinogens whose

half-life exceedsthe life expectancy

of the average pyramid.

You know, you're in troubleif you eat that stuff.

Anyway, our first comedian--I segue right into the show--

You know, I think that--I think that talk show

themes have finallygone too far.

I was watching a showwhere three people came out

and they started talkingabout their failed

attempts at suicide.

And after it was over theyflashed a 1-800 number

across the screen soyou could call in.

And I was so touchedthat I called,

and I voted for the first guy.

But you know what'sinteresting to me?

All these people that talked,they all hated their jobs.

And, you know, I justthink that's awful.

And I try to think, whatis the worst job, you know?

And I think it would probablybe being a delivery person.

You know, delivering food?

I think that would have to bethe worst, because when you

think about it, you don'treally know what you're getting

into when you go tosomeone's house, right?

You don't know what the hellis going to answer the door.

And-- and whileyou're going there,

you've got to think toyourself, what the hell is

wrong with thisperson that they can't

leave to even feed themselves?

So whenever I havefood ordered in,

I try to decide what is theworst way to come to the door.

And I decided thatit's tied to a chair.

You know, and that waythey get to the door,

I've got the money inmy mouth, and I say,

well, I guess my boyfriend'sin one of his moods again.

He loves me.

It's just-- oh my god.

Here he comes.You better run.

Get help!

have to go on a talk show.

I don't have to getinto self-analysis.

And, actually, I reallydon't have to anyway,

because my boyfriendwill do it for me.

I think that I am a classiccase, because I'm always

a half hour early foreverything-- at least

a half hour.

And the other night myboyfriend and I went to a movie.

And we got there almost anhour before the show started.

And he said, you know, you'realways early because you're

afraid you're goingto miss something.

That means you'vegot low self-esteem

and no concept ofyour own self-worth.

And I said, so what, youdon't want to pee on me now?

You know what?

And I think he was just furious.

I think-- I think that he wasjust really furious, because we

waited for a Demi Moore movie.

And that proves that I'm crazy.

And I-- you know-- I-- is it me?

You know, I'm a little bitsick of her torso, you know?

I don't care if it's painted.

I don't care ifit's impregnated.

I don't care if it'spoached on a bed of greens.

I'm sick of it now.

You know, I'm just--I've had it with her.

And I'll tell yousomething else.

I'm tired of movies like"Indecent Proposal" and "Pretty

Woman" because, youknow, that's just

saying that the most a womancan hope for in her career

is to sleep with a rich man.

And that's just-- justsuch a small part of it.

Well, you know what?

My grandmother is a strongadvocate for women's rights.

And she told me just recentlythat she's pro-choice.

And I sort of-- I sortof took it personally.

I said, why?

Why now?

Were you looking at afamily album, or-- um.

But she says no.

She said she's pro-choicebecause she's pro-woman.

But I think it's reallybecause she just can't see

another generationborrowing money from her.

I think that's what it is.

But she marches inparades and rallies.

And actually, there was agreat parade in New York

just recently.

I don't know if you'refamiliar with it.

There was anatheist parade here.

And to me that is hilarious.

Because, I mean, I didn't knowyou could march for something

you don't believe in.

I just thank that's great.

I'm psyched, man.

I'm in a really good mood.

Been in a goodmood a lot lately.

Just got a new car.

Got a little Miata convertible.

Pretty happy about it,except for one thing.

I'm 6 foot 6".

So now I look likea McDonald's toy,

like something youget in a Happy Meal.

Look at Mayor McCheese inhis cute little red car.

Push down on his handand watch him go.

I just got in a majorargument about two

months back with my best friend.

I haven't talked to him since.

Remember when you werea little kid, though,

you could get, like, inthe biggest fight ever

with your best friend,and the next day

you completely forget abou it,and you're good friends again?

You know, you havethis huge brawl.

You wind up hittinghim with a two

by four with a nailin the end of it.

Next day, you'reover at his house

playing Legos, makingfun of his eye patch--

tell your mom to makeKool-Aid, cyclops.

Dude, I'm over here.

I'm over here.

I'm over here.

I'm over here.

Boink.

Trade you my kaleidoscopefor your View-Master.

Patchy!

Man.

Pretty good mood-I just actually

got out of thisevil relationship.

This girl broke up with me--long distance thing, you know.

A lot of my friends, whengirls break up with them,

they get all bitter and vengefuland take it out on the girl.

They, like, call her at 4o'clock in the morning going,

bitch.

Like, she doesn't know it is.

Yeah, for a secondshe's like, grandpa?

I don't think so.

It's been rough, man.

Because of that, I foundmyself thrust unwillingly

back into the datingworld, pretty much

kicking and screamingthe whole way.

My friends are trying to meto go out on blind dates.

Big no to that,because all my friends

are a bunch of lying geeks.

They're alwayslike, Brian, you're

really going todig this girl, man.

She's got TraciLords's eyes, Michelle

Pfeiffer's nose, KimBassinger's lips.

Yeah, they alwaysforget to tell me

she's also gotCharlie Brown's head.

Small pretty face,big old head, two

little hairs-- attractive active

Man, I always used totrip out on Charlie Brown

when I was little, because healways wore the same shirt.

Pretty sure it's becausehe couldn't pull it

back over his hugefreaking head.

Linus, help me.

I have an extra-large cranium.

It's my first time here.

Been having a good time.

There's so many crazy peoplehere-- crazy street people.

And I love that, man.

Grew up in a small town wherethere was only one crazy guy.

He didn't even go insanedoing anything good,

like going to Nam or havingan extended acid trip.

Turns out, legend has it hejust had some bad cheese.

Don't get me wrong though, man.

He was messed up.

He was always walkingaround town going, oh, god.

Ugh.

Nasty.

You know one think I've noticed?

Whenever you see crazy peoplewalking down the street talking

to themselves, alot of times they

wouldn't look quite so insaneif they had a kid with them.

You know?

They're walking around going,the chicken doesn't go ruff.

The chicken goes bwok bwok.

The dog goes ruff.

But completely in controlif there was a kid there.

I think it's just amatter of props, really.

You know?

See the guy walking down thestreet arguing with himself.

Give him a littlecellular phone.

He'll look likehe's a businessman.

No!

No, I said quit calling me.

No.

You know, terrorism's weird.

You guys hear aboutthat bombing recently?

That kind of stuff-- the NewYork Trade Center getting

bombed-- that kind ofstuff freaks me out, man.

The worst thing is,like, suicide squads.

Guys that, for thegovernment or country, will

tape dynamite to theirvehicle and drive

into a crowd ofpeople or an embassy.

I always wonder, how dothey recruit those guys?

What, do they have, like, agovernment-run suicide hotline

number?

Kids calling at all hours ofthe night, going, I hate my mom.

My girlfriend's a total wench.

I'm going to kill myself.

Hey, that's really too bad.

Do you know how todrive a stick shift?

I was Tchotchke on the hitseries "Who's Watching?"

I also played Mr. Tuesday on theseries "Every Other Wednesday,"

which came out on--came out on Thursdays,

interestingly enough.

First time I wore a suitjacket since my bar mitzvah,

ladies and gentlemen--first time.

I don't remember-- yeah, OK,applaud whenever-- I don't

remember much aboutmy bar mitzvah.

The only thing Iremember-- I killed!

That's what I remember.

Nobody could followme at my bar mitzvah.

It was over when I was done.

My mother is a-- my mother is--I like when people look around

to see what's happening--I, uh-- my mother

would be so proud that I'mfinally wearing a suit jacket.

My mother is always tryingto get me to dress up

for comedy. (NEW YORK ACCENT)You mean you wouldn't wear

a nice blazer onstage, Andy,with a dress shirt open-necked?

My entire family is from Queens.

And everyone in Queens hasthis look on their face.

That's not pastrami asfar as I'm concerned.

And we all laugh about it.

Ladies and gentlemen-- and whenI say "ladies and gentlemen"

I mean it only in themost insincere, fake,

show business-like way possible.

I started comedy in 1949.

I started out in the Catskills.

I was a tummler.

I used to entertain peoplein their hotel rooms

in the heart shaped bathtubs.

Now-- now I travelaround the country.

I play everywhere.

Why?

Because I'm Andy Kindler,bargain comedian.

That's right.

Shop around.

Get the lowest price from thebiggest hack in the business.

I'll beat it by $10, oryou get the act for free.

I don't know if you're clappingbecause it's a good price

or you enjoy the joke.

For $50 more, ask aboutmy suitcase of fun.

I was in Philadelphia-- avery angry town, Philadelphia.

I've never seena town like this.

It's supposed to be theCity of Brotherly Love.

You're like, when mybrother was 12 and I was 9,

he used to lean on my shoulderand dangle spit in my face.

I performed at thecomedy club there.

I've never seencrowds like that.

50% of the crowds were angry,drunk, prejudiced, white

people.

And the other 50% wereblack people who didn't like

the angry, drunk,prejudiced, white people,

but both groups unitearound a common theme--

the intense dislike of me andeverything I was talking about.

But I don't care.

I am not in this businessto be a crowd-pleaser.

I get my inspiration fromthe great Buddy Holly,

because when Buddy Hollymade his first album,

he came to New York City.

And the record company said,Buddy, you're very good,

but we want to make--make you more commercial.

Put a suit on you.

Put an orchestra behind you.

And Buddy Holly said,no, nobody tells

Buddy Holly howto make his music.

I'd rather be shovelingcrap back in Lubbock,

Texas than to change my music.

And I've always foundthat very inspirational.

Of course, Buddy Hollynever actually said that.

Gary Busey saidthat as Buddy Holly

in "The Buddy Holly Story."

What Buddy Hollyactually said was,

sure, whatever you guys want.

Put a ukulele behind me.

Where are the broads?

Break out the scotch.

Rock and roll.

This was horrible.

Six months ago I dated thiswoman for three weeks--

for three weeks, and then shetold me that she had a penis.

I was-- I thought wewere just role-playing.

It was unbelievable.

And I was so shockedand embarrassed by it.

It took me three moreweeks to convince

her to start wearing condoms.

That's how-- howwould I-- how would

I possible come up with that?

I never felt better though.

Ever since I switchedto the clean syringes,

I've never felt bettermy entire life, you know?

There's no reason why you can'tenjoy the intravenous drugs

and be careful at the same time.

That's my lesson to thekids in the preschools

and kindergartens and the--when you go to the beach,

carry some bleach.

Just a little rhyme that thekids can take home with them.

There's so many horribledrug problems-- crack babies.

Crack babies?

How would you evenfind a pipe that small?

That'd be my firstquestion, right there.

The kids shouldn't beplaying with glass.

That's the important thing.

If I have anymessage tonight, it's

we must find a saferway to get the crack

into the infants,ladies and gentlemen.

I think all drugsshould be legalized.

I really do.

I think peopleshould have the right

to take whatever they want.They want to take cyanide?

Cyanide should be legal.

It should be availablein big, colorful gel

caps advertised on TV.

Hey, forget about Sominex!

Get a really good night's sleep.

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