Lauletta, Prinzi, Robinson

  • Season 2, Ep 0225
  • 05/26/1993

I've noticed thatuh, in New York,

they have a very differentway of ordering coffee

to go than theydo in California.

Do you know about this?

In California, if youorder coffee to go,

they give you yourcoffee and then

you go over to the coffeesupplementation area

and you use the variouscreams and sweetening agents

to sweeten the coffee orcream in to your liking.

Whereas in New York City, ifyou order the coffee to go,

they just give it to you.

You're not allowed totouch the dairy products.

I don't know if this isa trust problem or what.

Um.

But you have to communicate howmuch uh, cream and sugar you

want through a very complicated,uh, ritualistic code that, uh,

like a lot of other thingsin New York is foreign to me.

The first time I go and Iget my coffee I-- I-- the guy

says, do you want regular?

And I thought, as opposedto decaf, yeah, regular.

It turns out "regular" in NewYork means cream and sugar.

So-- so-- you, you, have to--I don't know how they determine

even how much-- theyjust put it in for you.

I don't know if they're psychic.

They know how much you want.

Or then I thought, wellmaybe they're highly trained

and they determine how muchcream I want by my weight

and height and you know, likemy bone structure or something.

He's a necromorph, givehim light and sweet.

Uh, which, that's how youtell them the cream thing.

It's-- is the cream nomenclatureis you tell them how you want

it by how-- what color thecoffee will turn when they put

the cream in, so-- youneed like a Benjamin

Moore paint sampler card thing.

I'm looking here forsomewhere between the Burnt

Sienna and the Ochre.

So I get my coffee andI'm walking around.

You have some street food.

I've noticed that thestreet food in New York

is very similar you know, withthe hot dogs and the pretzels

to the food that youget at the ballpark.

And then I-- then itkind of occurred to me

that walking aroundNew York City

is very similar to going toa baseball game in the sense

that it may seem like nothing'sgoing on for a long time

but pretty soon someone is goingto hit something really hard

with a bat.

certain things, man, but I'mgoing to say this and any

of you can get mad or whatever.

I'm glad the whole RodneyKing thing is over with.

I'm tired of hearingabout it, man.

Y'all know I'm tiredof hearing about it.

Because people act likeRodney King had a career

before all thishappened to him, man.

Like, oh, poor Rodney,why they messing with him?

You know he wasgoing to be a doctor.

Hell no!

Wasn't going to be no doctor.

These people are crazy, man.

You know what showI hate, though?

I hate that show "Cops," man.

You ever see that show "Cops?"

Well the thing about, is thatyou can turn it on one day

and see somebody whoyou know being arrested.

That's embarrassing, man.

Last week, I seensomebody who I knew and I

found myself cheeringfor him, man.

I'm like, run, George, run!

Run, man!

He behind the car!

Will you run?

What's that other show"America's Most Wanted."

Can't stand that show.

Now I don't mean to be alittle you know, whatever.

But if you notice when theyhave rewards for the white kids,

any amount of moneywill do. $50 million--

who's seen our little Joey?

Little black kid-- all right$50 and a bucket of chicken.

Who's seen him?

I know somebody had to see him!

I'm looking around, man.

We don't careabout the homeless.

We walk right past the homeless.

Don't care about them.

You ever see how theycome out the trains?

Y'all catch the subway too,so you could just walk,

Hi, I'm Eddie,give me some money.

I wish they did that alllike airplanes, first class.

Just folks our of nowhere.

Hi.

I'm Earl, I'm hungry, man.

Who got the grub?

And these celebrities,they kill me, man.

Because like every Thanksgiving,they'll give them a turkey.

Like that's the only timethey get an appetite.

You know.

And we walk right-- homelesspeople come up and ask us

for a quarter, we get all upset.

Ah!

Get away from me!

Why do you want a quarter?

Go away!

We won't give ahomeless guy a quarter,

but yet we'll flip moneyinto a wishing well

and make a damn wish about it.

We'll flip moneyover a homeless guy's

head just make a wish, man.

Out my way, youhomeless bastard.

I'm trying to make a wish here.

Gotta get my greedy self somemore money, that's what I need,

man!

Would you ever calla psychic hotline?

Dionne and her friends.

You've called it.

How many of you knowwho Jeane Dixon is?

You know Jeane Dixon,you know who she is?

You know she predictedeverybody's death?

John F. Kennedy.

Robert F. Kennedy.

Don't you thinkthis is the bitch

who's killing this folk, man?

Check her alibi.

See where she was at.

She did it.

Somebody's gonna dietonight, I swear to God.

I was watchinginauguration, man.

I seen that.Did you see the inauguration.

You see it?

Is it me or is Chelseathe ugliest little girl

you ever seen in your damn life?

Oh, come on, youknow she's ugly.

Daddy, I love you!

I love you!

Daddy!

Get back, girl!

Get back!

Get back before youget me impeached.

Get back!

[inaudible] likeshe your cousin.

Don't talk aboutAmy, she my cousin.

America, we're phony, man.

In America, we won't letsomebody who's terminally

ill have a right totake their own life.

We say it's illegal.

But yet we'll letEvel Knievel jump over

the Grand Canyon witha damn moped, man.

Aww, don't give me that clap.

All of us believedthat he can do it.

Look at that, Evel going to jumpfrom New York to Philadelphia.

Look at that, man.

Aw, hell, plus he's going topay the tolls all the way.

I swear to God.

He got change in his pocket.

And nowadays, you can walkinto court, plead insanity.

They'll cut you a breakbecause you pleaded insanity.

Why the hell will someone who'sstabbed somebody 87 times then

try to eat them haveto plead insanity, man?

Yeah he's messed up!

What more proof you need?

Dammit!

What?

Does he have tolight his eyelashes

on fire, run aroundthe courtroom.

Ah!

If that's the case, youshould be able to go to court

and plead stupidity.

It's the same thing.

Oh, Your Honor, my client herewould like to plead stupidity.

What do you meanon what grounds?

He tried to rob an undercovercop that had a walkie-talkie,

handcuff, and gun sticking out!

Look, Your Honor, he'sa damn idiot, man!

Look at this guy!