Lauletta, Prinzi, Robinson

  • Season 2, Ep 0225
  • 05/26/1993

I've noticed thatuh, in New York,

they have a very differentway of ordering coffee

to go than theydo in California.

Do you know about this?

In California, if youorder coffee to go,

they give you yourcoffee and then

you go over to the coffeesupplementation area

and you use the variouscreams and sweetening agents

to sweeten the coffee orcream in to your liking.

Whereas in New York City, ifyou order the coffee to go,

they just give it to you.

You're not allowed totouch the dairy products.

I don't know if this isa trust problem or what.

Um.

But you have to communicate howmuch uh, cream and sugar you

want through a very complicated,uh, ritualistic code that, uh,

like a lot of other thingsin New York is foreign to me.

The first time I go and Iget my coffee I-- I-- the guy

says, do you want regular?

And I thought, as opposedto decaf, yeah, regular.

It turns out "regular" in NewYork means cream and sugar.

So-- so-- you, you, have to--I don't know how they determine

even how much-- theyjust put it in for you.

I don't know if they're psychic.

They know how much you want.

Or then I thought, wellmaybe they're highly trained

and they determine how muchcream I want by my weight

and height and you know, likemy bone structure or something.

He's a necromorph, givehim light and sweet.

Uh, which, that's how youtell them the cream thing.

It's-- is the cream nomenclatureis you tell them how you want

it by how-- what color thecoffee will turn when they put

the cream in, so-- youneed like a Benjamin

Moore paint sampler card thing.

I'm looking here forsomewhere between the Burnt

Sienna and the Ochre.

So I get my coffee andI'm walking around.

You have some street food.

I've noticed that thestreet food in New York

is very similar you know, withthe hot dogs and the pretzels

to the food that youget at the ballpark.

And then I-- then itkind of occurred to me

that walking aroundNew York City

is very similar to going toa baseball game in the sense

that it may seem like nothing'sgoing on for a long time

but pretty soon someone is goingto hit something really hard

with a bat.

Retired professionalwrestler, my dad.

Think it's cool havinga dad as a wrestler?

No, let me explain something.

No, no, no no, no!

Embarrassing.

One time he went to the bank.

You know what he did?

Started bouncingoff the bank ropes.

Ha ha ha!

I want a loan!

Dad, you suck.

You know that?

You really suck.

Please take off thetights, Lard Ass,

you don't even fitin them anymore.

The only cool part waswhen he spanked me,

he didn't really hit me.

The bank, my account,I'll do what I want!

You figure a bigmacho guy like my dad

would like Schwarzenegger.

Hates Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Hates him.

You know why?

You know why?

Because the only really time Ido Schwarzenegger, the voice,

around my dad, triesto tell me what to do,

throw the Schwarzeneggerat him, bam!

He's pissed off instantly.

One time he goes, hey why whydon't you go mow the lawn,

you're not doing anything.

Why don't you go mow the lawn.

[schwarzenegger accent]Why don't you go mow.

You do it.

It's your lawn mower.

You use it.

You, you, you paid for it.

You use it.

You paid for yourcar, you don't tell

me to use that,do you, Poopyhead?

Do you, Poopyhead?

I don't hear you!

[normal voice]What'd you call me?

Come here.You don't call me Poopyhead.

My house.

Admit it.

Only Scharzeneggercould say "Poopyhead"

and scare the crap out of you.

So like George Bush comeout, [george bush voice] Uh,

Poopyhead.[normal voice] Give me

a-- you're not the president.

Get outta here.

Schwarzenegger go "Poopyhead."

Aww, jeez, you want a drink?

Have a drink, Mr. Manwith a [inaudible]

You know he's business partners,you know, Planet Hollywood.

He and Stallone.

They're investorsat Planet Hollywood.

They're business partners.

How the hell are Stalloneand Schwarzenegger

going to communicate?

Think about it.

I can see Stallone walking outthe Schwarzenegger in the back.

[stallone accent sounds] Ithink we need more hot dogs.

[schwarzenegger voice]No, we need beer.

[stallone voice] Uh,that's good, that's good.

I understand that.

But also we need hot dogs.

[schwarzenegger voice]We need beer.

[stallone voice]We need hot dogs.

[schwarzenegger voice] Beer.

Listen to me, youdumb grease ball.

Two syllables.

Beer.

Beer.

Get your Hooked on Phonics.

Yeah, listen to me, writeit down, F-O-N-I-C-S.

Learn the language, Poopyhead.

[stallone sounds] I wantto drink the [inaudible].

This is my impressionof Roy Scheider.

You all know Roy Scheider.

Roy Scheider played ChiefBrody in the movie "Jaws."

OK.

Roy Scheider as Chief Brody.

And this I can only doonce a night because um,

it really hurts, so.

[applause]

-I think we need a bigger boat.

Oh, you guys havemade my day great.

Wait a second.

You worked every bit of fame.

Thank you.

Oh!

[stallone voice] Yo, Andrian!

We need hot dogs!

[normal voice] Thankyou, very much.

and it's just unbelievable.

I've developed some sortof New York City ailment

that I can't explain.

I've got this itch betweenmy ear and my throat

that I can't getat no matter how

far I shove my finger in there.

I'm walking around thewhole day going, [click]

You guys communicate toeach other like that.

I could get on thephone right now

and go [click] a pizzawould come in 20 minutes.

I'm driving in from the airport,we got stuck in traffic.

We sat there there 30, 40minutes without moving an inch.

By the time I got upto where the accident

was there was nothing there.

God, that pisses me off, man.

When I sit for 30 minutes, Iwant to see like a human head.

Then you don't feel so bad.

Some guy lost his head,I lost a half hour,

that's an even tradein New York City.

and I was back there last week.

You know, it'sreally interesting.

My sister had a baby.

I had never heldan infant before.

That is an incredible feeling.

You know about thatsoft spot thing, though?

Babies have soft spots, man.

I didn't know that.

I was holding himand he was crying

and his little headwas just going--

it was some sort of alien baby.

I was frightened.

I didn't want to sayanything to my sister,

I was afraid she'd bendover go, we all got that!

Rawr!

I think God madea mistake, though.

He should have left usall with soft spots.

You know, we'd be alittle more vulnerable,

maybe nicer to each other.

You know we wouldn't be soquick to infringe on someone's

freedom if they could justboink you and kill you.

You know, military leaderswouldn't be so quick to invade

defenseless countries if wecan come by with helicopters

and broom handles justgoing boink, boink, boink.

Our defense budgetbe like $8.00.

But holding my nephew, Irealize that I'm getting older

and that's a verystrange feeling.

And I don't mind it becausenow the simplest things in life

make me really happy.

I'm telling you, if I have anew box of breakfast cereal

in the cupboard in the kitchen,I get up about 20 minutes

early morning.

I mean, I'm really excited.

I march in there, rip it open,jam my hand right to the bottom

of the box, lookingfor the prize.

Because when you're an adult,you don't have to wait.

I love Grape Nuts.

Except lots of times, I forgetto put milk on them the night

before I want to eat them.

You know, theynever get soft ever.

Twinkies will go badbefore Grape Nuts get soft.

I love food.

Food is my best friend in life.

It never lets me down.

If I had the money, I'dlove to open up a chain

of all-you-can-eatrestaurants that deliver.

Wouldn't it be great, just callthem up late at night, uh yeah,

we'd like uh, some more.

Big truckload of food pullsup, guy with a shovel,

where do you want it?

I have trouble sleepingand I blame my diet.

I've been buying a lot ofthose deep fried pork skins.

I'm not eating them,though, I'm just

trying to reassemblea pig in my apartment.

When I'm on theroad, I usually buy

that Quaker instant oatmeal.

I love that stuff.

I love the apple and cinnamon.

That's my favorite.

It's number one, right now,according to Casey Kasem.

Do you know anyone who eats theregular flavor instant oatmeal?

That's like heroin, isn't it?

You gotta heat the spoon andtie off before you eat that.

Make the pain goaway, Wilford Brimley!

It's great though.

You just pour boilingwater on this oatmeal

and these things just startappearing in your bowl.

Raisins start poppingout, apples, cinnamon.

I made some the othermorning, I got so excited,

I spilled theoatmeal on the floor.

It formed the face of Jesus.

It was singing "Love Me Tender."

It was the young Jesus.

Guys been great.

certain things, man, but I'mgoing to say this and any

of you can get mad or whatever.

I'm glad the whole RodneyKing thing is over with.

I'm tired of hearingabout it, man.

Y'all know I'm tiredof hearing about it.

Because people act likeRodney King had a career

before all thishappened to him, man.

Like, oh, poor Rodney,why they messing with him?

You know he wasgoing to be a doctor.

Hell no!

Wasn't going to be no doctor.

These people are crazy, man.

You know what showI hate, though?

I hate that show "Cops," man.

You ever see that show "Cops?"

Well the thing about, is thatyou can turn it on one day

and see somebody whoyou know being arrested.

That's embarrassing, man.

Last week, I seensomebody who I knew and I

found myself cheeringfor him, man.

I'm like, run, George, run!

Run, man!

He behind the car!

Will you run?

What's that other show"America's Most Wanted."

Can't stand that show.

Now I don't mean to be alittle you know, whatever.

But if you notice when theyhave rewards for the white kids,

any amount of moneywill do. $50 million--

who's seen our little Joey?

Little black kid-- all right$50 and a bucket of chicken.

Who's seen him?

I know somebody had to see him!

I'm looking around, man.

We don't careabout the homeless.

We walk right past the homeless.

Don't care about them.

You ever see how theycome out the trains?

Y'all catch the subway too,so you could just walk,

Hi, I'm Eddie,give me some money.

I wish they did that alllike airplanes, first class.

Just folks our of nowhere.

Hi.

I'm Earl, I'm hungry, man.

Who got the grub?

And these celebrities,they kill me, man.

Because like every Thanksgiving,they'll give them a turkey.

Like that's the only timethey get an appetite.

You know.

And we walk right-- homelesspeople come up and ask us

for a quarter, we get all upset.

Ah!

Get away from me!

Why do you want a quarter?

Go away!

We won't give ahomeless guy a quarter,

but yet we'll flip moneyinto a wishing well

and make a damn wish about it.

We'll flip moneyover a homeless guy's

head just make a wish, man.

Out my way, youhomeless bastard.

I'm trying to make a wish here.

Gotta get my greedy self somemore money, that's what I need,

man!

Would you ever calla psychic hotline?

Dionne and her friends.

You've called it.

How many of you knowwho Jeane Dixon is?

You know Jeane Dixon,you know who she is?

You know she predictedeverybody's death?

John F. Kennedy.

Robert F. Kennedy.

Don't you thinkthis is the bitch

who's killing this folk, man?

Check her alibi.

See where she was at.

She did it.

Somebody's gonna dietonight, I swear to God.

I was watchinginauguration, man.

I seen that.Did you see the inauguration.

You see it?

Is it me or is Chelseathe ugliest little girl

you ever seen in your damn life?

Oh, come on, youknow she's ugly.

Daddy, I love you!

I love you!

Daddy!

Get back, girl!

Get back!

Get back before youget me impeached.

Get back!

[inaudible] likeshe your cousin.

Don't talk aboutAmy, she my cousin.

America, we're phony, man.

In America, we won't letsomebody who's terminally

ill have a right totake their own life.

We say it's illegal.

But yet we'll letEvel Knievel jump over

the Grand Canyon witha damn moped, man.

Aww, don't give me that clap.

All of us believedthat he can do it.

Look at that, Evel going to jumpfrom New York to Philadelphia.

Look at that, man.

Aw, hell, plus he's going topay the tolls all the way.

I swear to God.

He got change in his pocket.

And nowadays, you can walkinto court, plead insanity.

They'll cut you a breakbecause you pleaded insanity.

Why the hell will someone who'sstabbed somebody 87 times then

try to eat them haveto plead insanity, man?

Yeah he's messed up!

What more proof you need?

Dammit!

What?

Does he have tolight his eyelashes

on fire, run aroundthe courtroom.

Ah!

If that's the case, youshould be able to go to court

and plead stupidity.

It's the same thing.

Oh, Your Honor, my client herewould like to plead stupidity.

What do you meanon what grounds?

He tried to rob an undercovercop that had a walkie-talkie,

handcuff, and gun sticking out!

Look, Your Honor, he'sa damn idiot, man!

Look at this guy!

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