Pulp Comics: David Alan Grier

  • 03/24/1998

>> Ross: All right.

What's up, New York people?

How you doin'?

What's up, ass watchers?

How are ya?

I'm sorry.

Get here earlier.

What are you doing?

Cool ass crowd.

And I'm a cool comedian.

[cheering]

I'm Jewish.

People don't always think

Jewish people are cool,

'cause we don't talk as cool

as other types of people.

You never hear stuff like,

you know, "Jews in the house?"

Only time you hear a Jewish

person say "in the house"

is, like, you know, "Murray!

Get in the house."

You never hear stuff like,

"Rabbi, I ate pork

on the Sabbath.

My bad."

He's like, "Go, Jeff.

Go, Jeff.

It's your bar mitzvah.

It's your bar mitzvah."

You never see a Jewish guy

on a Harley.

What's the point?

You know he's going to fall.

Like all religions

and nationalities and races,

the Jews are very sensitive

to the stereotypes.

What do people say about us?

People say we're the cheapest

people.

People say that Jews

have the biggest noses.

People say we have

the biggest penises.

I can dream, can't I?

What's the other big one

about Jewish people?

People say that Jews

control the media.

You ever heard that one?

I got to think about that one

for a second.

I think we got to fess up

to that one.

My manager's Jewish.

My agent's Jewish.

Let's face it, okay?

Show business is run by, like,

2,000 Jews and Oprah.

[applause]

And she lives next door

to Spielberg, which makes her

Jewish by association, right?

It's a good thing.

We have that influence.

Jews as a people

should be proud.

Some stereotypes

aren't negative.

You think African-American males

get mad we make jokes

you have the biggest penises?

Hell, no, man.

I'd switch places in a second.

I'm hung like a Tic Tac.

But that's the deal God gave us.

Black guys get the nine-inchers,

and the Jews get channel 9.

I got the smallest penis

in here.

I'm proud of it.

If I was a rapper,

I'd be Dickie Smalls.

♪ I got my mind on my wiener

♪ and my wiener on my mind.

♪ In the dark,

♪ mine's hard to find.

♪ I was born to my moms

♪ at 8 pounds 5.

♪ Then my body got bigger,

♪ but my penis same size.

♪ Now I use,

♪ now I use,

♪ now I use what I got.

♪ 'Cause one size fits all.

My name is Jeff.

The ladies call me

Dickie Smalls.

Mmm, Notorious L-I-T-T-L-E.

♪ Break it down.

♪ Wee-wee, ding-dong,

♪ hoo-hoo, shaft.

♪ Laugh if you want.

♪ Mine's cut in half.

♪ Organ, shreckle,

♪ rocket, pump.

♪ When I wear tight jeans,

♪ you don't see no lump.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Why it got to be

about inches?

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: ♪ Don't let it come

♪ between us.

♪ Makin' love to my ladies,

♪ I always make them smile

♪ 'cause they cool

♪ with the fact that I'm hung

♪ like a child.

♪ My little penis is so cute

♪ and sweet

♪ that if I made a porno,

♪ it'd still be rated G.

G.

♪ Back in the days

♪ when I was a teenager,

♪ before I had pubes,

♪ before I used a razor...

>> ♪ Mama said stand proud.

♪ Throw away the ruler.

>> Ross: ♪ Other boys

♪ are bigger,

♪ but you're a lot cooler.

♪ A Jewish gangster

♪ with a belly gettin' bigger

♪ and a penis the size

♪ of a machine gun trigger.

♪ Baruch atah Adonai. ♪

♪ Want to pop a cap

♪ in all them boys.

♪ Got a ding, a dong,

♪ bigger than mine.

♪ On top of all this,

♪ I'm circumcised.

♪ Woody, wiener,

♪ member, willy.

♪ It hides up inside me

♪ when it gets real chilly.

♪ Boner, stiffy,

♪ carrot or pickle.

♪ Call it what you want.

♪ I call mine Don Rickles.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Yo, I ain't even

trying to hear that.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Don't call it

a thumbtack!

>> Hey, Dickie, I don't know

what you did to me last night,

baby, but ooh, you rock

my world.

I thought fun size

was just for candy.

Mmm.

>> Ross: ♪ If you've got

♪ a little weeny, say ho.

♪ If you got a teeny weeny,

♪ say hey-ho.

♪ And wave your little jimmies

♪ in the air.

♪ And pee like you just

♪ don't care.

♪ If you see me naked

♪ at the gym,

♪ don't stare.

♪ Stare.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> ♪ He's got a little,

♪ itty-bitty, teeny-weeny.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: Yeah, I want to tell

all the women in the world

from Cali to Carolina,

it's not the size of the penis

that counts.

It's the depth of the vagina.

This is Dickie Smalls,

saying less is more, ladies.

I'm outta here.

>> ♪ Oh-ohhh.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> ♪ He's got a little penis.

>> Ross: I love rap music.

I was listening to that band,

Wu Tang Clan, you know

that band?

[cheering]

They got this guy in the band;

his name is Old Dirty Bastard.

That's his name.

Old Dirty Bastard, and his

ex-wife was in the paper.

She's suing him for child

support.

First of all, how do you marry

a guy named Old Dirty Bastard?

What was the ceremony like?

"Do you, Denise, take this

Old Dirty Bastard?

To love and to smell.

I now pronounce you

dirty bastards.

You may wash the groom."

>> Ross: I'm a weird-looking

guy.

Somebody heckled me one night.

She said I looked like

Rick Moranis and Walter Matthau

had a baby.

It's not that funny.

If I ever have my own show,

I would have to be like

cast with, like, ugly guys

or something.

Ugly Friends.

>> announcer: It's Ugly Friends,

starring Jeffrey Ross,

with Jay London as Ugly Jay

and Howard Feller as Yiiiich!

>> Hey, Jeff.

>> Hey, Jeff.

>> Ross: How are my ugly friends

doing today?

>> Oh, great.

>> Ross: Ugly Jay,

did you get a job today or what?

>> Yeah, I'm working over at

Bed, Bath, and Beyond

in the Beyond section.

Thank you.

>> Hey, Jeff, that fox over

there is giving you the eye.

Boy, I sure wish there was

something I could do to be

better looking.

Any advice there, uh, Casanova?

>> Ross: Yeah,

saw off your head.

Be cool.

She's coming over.

>> T-t-t-talking to the ladies

makes me fart.

[farting]

>> Hi, I'm Amy.

>> Ross: Hi, I'm Jeff.

These are my friends,

Ugly Jay and Yiiiich!

>> Oh, oh, my.

>> Lady, I got a key

stuck in my ear.

[farting]

>> I gotta run.

I've had a couple drinks,

and looking at your friends...

giving me the spins.

But I wanted to give you

something.

>> Oh, oh...

>> That's my number.

Use it.

>> I would trade places

with you, Jeff, in a minute.

Then I wouldn't have to look

like a goat's balls.

>> Ross: You wouldn't want to

be in my shoes, fellas.

>> Why? Did you step in barf?

>> Ross: No, I didn't step in

barf, Jay.

I'm just saying it's not easy

being this handsome.

I just want to be treated

like a normal person.

I'm sick of being treated

like a sex toy.

>> I had sex with a toy once.

Remember Stretch Armstrong?

>> Ross: I'm just saying there's

a lot of pressure maintaining

these good looks, not to mention

this body.

Do you realize what time I have

to get up to maintain this

physical condition?

>> Noon?

>> Ross: That's right, Yiiiich!

Noon.

Ish.

I'm sick of being

just a pretty face.

Not to mention these baby blue

eyes.

Come on, guys.

Let's get out of here.

You know the drill.

[silently]

>> announcer: Tune in next week

when Yiiiich! falls in love.

>> Ross: I love watching TV.

Late at night, you always see

some guy trying to sell

real estate with no money down.

Always have some fat guy

in a Hawaiian shirt, right?

Chicks with bikinis and yachts.

I love the success stories

at the very end.

That's my favorite part.

Just three months ago, everybody

in my neighborhood thought I was

retarded.

Now I make $9 million

every Tuesday.

My teeth and gums grew back.

And my lovely wife, Nipples,

can finally afford that hair

transplant she wants.

>> Ross: I don't want

to get old.

Here's the proof that I'm

getting old.

Some of you can back me up.

I went to Tower Records

the other night to try to buy a

new needle for my record player.

I might as well have said,

"Excuse me.

Do you good men sell

cannonballs?

I'm fresh out o' cannonballs

for ye olde cannon back home.

Come on.

I ain't got all fortnight.

The British are coming!"

>> Ladies and gentlemen,

I hope you enjoyed your lunch.

Mr. President, everything was

delicious?

>> Hear, hear.

>> As I introduce our first

roaster, I can't help but wonder

to myself "Who cancelled?"

[sting punctuates joke]

Let's have a big forefather

welcome to Jeffrey Ross.

[applause]

>> Ross: Thank you, Senator.

Nice to see you back in men's

clothes.

This is exciting.

How are you, Mr. President?

Look at this.

I've seen younger faces

on money.

All kidding aside,

Mr. President, this is great.

You're here laughing your butt

off and Martha's at home

getting her fields plowed

by the house boy.

Right now he's knee deep

in Martha's vineyard,

if you catch my drift.

In all seriousness,

Mr. President, I feel uniquely

qualified to be here this

afternoon because I, too,

cannot tell a lie.

I voted for McGovern.

[sting]

Sam Adams is here.

How are you, Sam?

I didn't recognize you

without a beer.

To the king of England.

[spitting]

Thomas Jefferson's here.

Tom, how are you, sir?

Tom would have brought a date

this afternoon, folks, but her

master wouldn't let her off.

Guy gets more ass

than an outhouse.

You know what, Tom?

You're a very striking man.

May I strike you?

I see the great Geronimo

is here.

How are you doing, Gerry?

>> Yeah, man.

>> Ross: Didn't recognize you

indoors.

[sniffs] Whew.

Little known fact, folks,

Geronimo's an old Indian word

meaning future casino owner.

And did your people do this

to Ben Franklin's head?

I kid you, Ben.

I love you, Ben Franklin.

Keep it going for the band

everybody: Salem's Lot.

[sting]

>> Thanks, Jeff.

I just want to let all you

settlers know we're also

available for weddings,

bar mitzvahs, witch drownings.

>> Revolutions.

>> Tea parties.

[hysterical laughter]

>> Ross: Take a break, fellas.

Francis Scott Key is here.

How are you, Frankie?

I'm a big fan of all your song.

Frankie's what's known in

show business as a one-anthem

wonder.

[laughter]

Keep it going for your slaves,

everybody.

Workin' hard.

>> Hey, Ross.

I slept with your sister, Betsy.

>> Ross: You too?

Who didn't?

Betsy, enough with the flags

already.

How about some mitten

or a sweater?

The troops are freezing.

Now let's talk about the

president's legendary penis

size.

Talk about a star-spangled

boner.

Folks, George Washington's penis

is so big, it should declare

its own independence.

George Washington's cherry tree

is so big, it crossed the

Delaware before he did.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm standing on it.

Put it away, Mr. President.

Folks, George Washington's penis

is so big, it wears a wig

on its head.

God bless you.

God bless America.

Stay free.

[cheers and applause]

My favorite band in high school

was The Clash.

Remember The Clash?

All right, so they had this one

song early on that my boys

and I used to use as our little

greeting to each other.

We thought we were cool.

It was called Stay Free.

We'd be like, "Hey, man.

Stay free."

Then one day out of nowhere,

it became a feminine hygiene

product.

We couldn't use it anymore.

And we were like, "Hey, man.

You know."

>> Ross: Little change in mood,

if you'll indulge Peter and I.

I wrote a love poem.

Can we dim the lights

a little bit?

[somber violin strains]

Perfect.

[laughter]

I love you guys.

Could I just say that?

Here's a love poem.

I hope you like it.

Hey, Wait a Minute...

by Jeffrey Ross.

Her long tan legs,

those dark bedroom eyes,

her deep, sexy voice;

her huge protruding

Adam's apple.

Hey, wait a minute.

[cheering]

You guys are awesome.

You having fun over there?

Nice talking to you.

Sorry to wake you.

You sound great, man.

Are you having fun?

>> Yeah.

>> Ross: I saw you drinking

between shows.

>> No, I don't drink.

>> Ross: You don't drink?

>> You don't drink either,

right?

>> Ross: I don't drink either.

I'm a lightweight.

One drink and I'm wasted.

Two drinks and I'm gay.

>> Buy you a drink?

>> Ross: [laughing]

[cheers and applause]

I thought you had a girlfriend,

man.

>> Actually I do.

>> Ross: You have a girlfriend,

right?

>> Yeah, she's beautiful.

She's Chinese.

>> Ross: She's Chinese.

I love Chinese women.

You're Korean?

>> Yeah, I'm Korean.

>> Ross: What are you, about 40?

>> No.

No, I'm 21.

>> Ross: You're 21?

>> Yeah.

>> Ross: When I was in college,

I spent a semester in China

as an exchange student.

And I met a girl there.

[violin strains]

And we fell in love.

And this is a poem

that I wrote for her.

[gibberish]

You have dishonored me.

Now I must dump you.

[traditional Chinese music]

All right, this is a love poem,

Peter, mellow it out.

I gotta pour my heart out

to these people now.

From the bottom of my heart,

I hope you like it.

This poem is called

Why I Love My Gangster Bitch

Girlfriend.

It could happen.

I got down on one knee.

I took her hand in mine.

I looked her in the eyes

and said, "I want you to be

my love, my wife, my mate

for life."

She said, "Nigga, please."

And stabbed me in the face

with the box cutter I gave her

on Valentine's Day.

That's why I love my gangster

bitch girlfriend.

Here's the last one.

It's a poem I wrote for my dog.

I love my dog.

It's called Sadie,

Get off the Couch.

Sadie, get off the couch!

Sadie, get off the couch!

Sadie, off the couch!

Sadie! Off the couch!

Good girl.

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