Tracy Morgan & Jimmy Kimmel

  • Season 3, Ep 18
  • 02/16/2005

Birchum has an insect problem, and Spoonie Luv promotes his homemade porn videos.

(telephone rings)

VIDEO. YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

MY NAME IS SPOON LUVFROM UP ABOVE.

I'M TRYING TO SELL SOMEVIDEOS OF MYSELF MASTURBATING.

NO, YEAH, WE DON'T BUYANYTHING LIKE THAT.

I'M TELLING YOU,THESE VIDEOS IS HOT.

YOU SHOULD SEE ME, MAN.

I MASTURBATEWATCHING ME MASTURBATE.

I'LL BE PULLING ON IT,YOU KNOW?

YEAH, NO, WE DON'T DONOTHING LIKE THAT.

'CAUSE I GRIP IT UP.

I KNOW WHEN TO SLOW DOWNAND SPEED UP.

THESE ARESOME HOT VIDEOS, BABY.

THIS (bleep) SO BIG,I GOTTA USE WIDE ANGLE LENS.

A WIDE ANGLE LENS?(laughing)

I NEED A WIDE ANGLE LENS,'CAUSE I BEAT ON IT.

I FILL UP A CUP.

I DRESS IT UP IN COSTUMESAND EVERYTHING.

OH, YEAH?

YOU GOTTA GET GIRLS.

I GOT ENOUGH MEATFOR TWO SANDWICHES.

HEY, YOU HEARD?

SO WHY DON'T YOU GETTHE GIRLS IN THERE?

I'M TRYING TO SELL 'EMTO YOU. ME MASTURBATING.

NO, IF YOU GET THE GIRLSIN THERE...THEY'RE HOT. THEY'RE HOT.

THEN WE CAN DO IT.

SOMETIMES I GET THE GIRLS INHERE WITH THEM BIG OL' TITTIES.

THERE.WELL, THEN WE'LL TALK.

BUT THEY JUST SITTING THEREWATCHING ME BEATING IT HARD.

NO, NO, NO,THAT'S NOT GOOD.I BEAT HARD.

YOU CAN BEAT HARD,BUT YOU GOTTA HAVE THE GIRLS.

I DON'T NEED NO GIRLSTO BEAT OFF.

NOBODY WANTSTO SEE YOU BEATING OFF.

THEY WANT TO SEE THE GIRLSBEATING YOU OFF.

LISTEN, I'M TRYING TO GET YOU INON THE GROUND LEVEL.

DO IT FOR AMERICA.OH, YEAH,YOU THINK SO?

GIVE THE PEOPLEWHAT THEY WANT.

TAPES OF SPOONIE BEATING OFF,THAT'S RAW.

90% OF THE GUYSTHAT COME IN HERE,

THEY WANT TO SEE GIRLS.

THEY DON'T WANNA SEEA GUY JERKING OFF.

HEY,WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

GEORGE.

GEORGE, GUESS WHAT?

I GOT A TATTOO ON MY DONGTHAT SAYS,

"YOUR ASS OR BUST."

(laughing) OH, YEAH?

WHOA,I'M RUBBING ON IT NOW.THAT'S GREAT.

I GOT ONE TAPEWHERE THERE'S A 3-WAY, RIGHT?

IT'S ME, MY PENISAND MY FIST.

YOU NEED A GIRL.

GET IT UP, GET A GIRL,AND I WILL SELL THE TAPES.

MY PENIS HAS FAKE TITS.

OTHER THAN THAT, I GOTTAGET THE (bleep) OFF THE PHONE,

'CAUSE I GOT A BUSINESSTO RUN HERE.GEORGE, LET MEASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT'S UP?GEORGE,ALL MY FILMS HAVE GIRLS,

BUT MY THING IS SO BIGYOU CAN'T SEE 'EM.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THEY OUT OF PICTURE.ALL YOU SEE IS BLACK SOMETIMES,

(laughs)

AND IT STINK, TOO.

ALL RIGHT,LET ME GET OFF THE PHONE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE A TAPEOF ME BEATING OFF?

NO, WHAT THE (bleep)DO I WANT TO SEE THAT FOR?

'CAUSE THEY SELL...NO, THEY DON'T.

LIKE HOTCAKES. YOU WANT TO DOTHE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY

WITH ME ON ONEOF MY TAPES?

ALL RIGHT, LATER, BROTHER.

(beep)

("Also Sprach Zarathustra" playing)

(bleep)HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

HI, I EAT AT YOUR STORETHREE, FOUR TIMES A WEEK,

AT YOUR PLACE, AND RECENTLY,I FAILED A COMPANY DRUG TEST.

SO ARE YOU GUYS PUTTINGSOMETHING IN THE PASTA SAUCE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW, LIKE WEEDOR COKE OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WEED AND COKEIN THE PASTA SAUCE?

NO, NO, NO, NO, MY FRIEND,YOU ARE VERY WRONG WITH THAT.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT WATCHINGTHE GUYS IN THE BACK,

BUT AS SOON AS I FINISHMY SPAGHETTI,

I ALREADY WANT MORE,WHICH IS WEIRD

BECAUSE THE FOODUSUALLY IS HORRIBLE.

THE FOOD WAS HORRIBLE?YEAH, IT TASTED LIKE POT.

I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU'RE JUST SAYING.

I DON'T KNOW.WE NEVER HEARD THAT.I DON'T KNOW WHO'S DOIN' IT,

I'M JUST SAYINGTHE STUFF'S GOOD.

I'D LIKE TO GET A DISH,IF I COULD COME BY

AND PICK IT UP.I GOT SOME FRIENDS COMING OVER.NOBODY USE DRUGS HERE.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU GOTTASAY THAT OVER THE PHONE,

BUT CAN YOU JUST GET MEA PLATE OF PASTA TO GO?

I'LL PICK IT UP.

YOU MUST BE DRUNK,MY FRIEND.

JUST HOOK ME UPWITH SOME SPAGHETTI

WITH MARIJUANA SAUCE.YOU CRAZY.

I'M NOT CRAZY.

THE ZITI'S NOT THE ONLY THINGTHAT WAS BAKED, OKAY?

I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW, OKAY?SO...

YOU BROKE MY HEART, FREDO.

(telephone rings)

THIS IS DENNIS.

(Man) YEAH, DENNIS, IS THISTHE LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT?

THIS IS SECURITY.YEAH, IT'S LOST AND FOUND.

YES, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH, I GOT A LITTLESOMETHING OVER THERE

I GOTTA COME AND PICK UP.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE SUREIT'S THERE.

I CAN COME PICK IT UP.WHAT IS IT?

LOOK, LET'S NOT GO INTOANY PARTICULARS HERE, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT AN ITEMOVER THERE, OKAY?

DON'T MAKE ME SPELL IT OUT.YOU'RE A SMART GUY.

I GOTTA COME IN AND PICK IT UP.YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

SIR, WHAT ARE YOU SPECIFYING?WHAT IS YOUR POINT?

WHAT ARE YOUGETTING AT, SIR?

LOOK, YOU DON'T READ BETWEENTHE LINES OF THE PROVERBS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

ARE YOU RECORDINGTHIS CALL?NO, SIR.

JUST WANNA MAKE SUREABOUT THAT.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL YOUWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I LOST MY BLANKIE.

HUH?

DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT AGAIN,ALL RIGHT?

COME ON, IT'S HUMILIATING.I LOST MY BLANKIE.

I CAN'T SLEEP WITHOUT IT,BUT MY BLANKIE'S WORTH IT.

WHAT COLOR IS IT?

IT HAD, LIKE, A BUNNYON THE CORNER OF IT.

(crying) IT'S SORT OF BLUE.IT'S... I NEED MY BLANKIE.

YOU GOT ANYTHINGLIKE THAT THERE?

NO, SIR.

NOTHING?

NOTHING, SIR.I'M SO SORRY.

OH, MAN, THIS IS SO BAD.WHAT SHOULD I DO?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I DON'T KNOW, SIR.

DID YOU HAVE A BLANKIEWHEN YOU WAS A KID?NO, I DIDN'T, SIR.

YOU KNOW,I WAS AN ORPHAN.

SIR, LISTEN, SIR,IT'S NOT HERE.

IT'S NOT IN LOST AND FOUND.I'M SORRY.

BUT RIGHT NOW I HAVEOTHER INCOMING PHONE CALLS

I HAVE TO GET TO, SIR.

DO YOU KNOW THE SONG"ITSY BITSY SPIDER"?YEAH.

COULD YOU JUST SINGTHE BEGINNING? IT RELAXES ME.

SIR, RIGHT NOWI CAN'T DO THAT, SIR.

JUST QUICK FOR ME.DO ME A FAVOR.

COULD YOU HOLD ON?YOU HEAR MY PHONE RINGING?

"ITSY BITSY SPIDER"--THAT'S ALL I NEED.

(Man #2)HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

IS THIS THE SAME GUYI WAS JUST TALKING TO?

MY NAME'S CORPORAL WILLIAMS,SIR. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

DO YOU KNOW THE SONG"ITSY BITSY SPIDER"?

COULD YOU JUST SINGTHE BEGINNING OF THAT FOR ME?

EXCUSE ME?YOU KNOW THAT SONG"ITSY BITSY SPIDER"?

JUST SINGTHE FIRST TWO LINES OF IT.

YOU WANT ME TO SING"ITSY BITSY SPIDER" TO YOU?YEAH.

I DON'T HAVE MUCHOF A SINGING VOICE, SIR.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.I DON'T WANT TO GET CRAZY.

JUST DO THIS FOR ME, WILL YA?JUST SING THE SONG.

YOU WANT ME TO SINGTHE ITSY BITSY SPIDER

RAN UP THE WATERSPOUT?

YEAH.

AND DOWN CAME THE RAINAND WASHED THE SPIDER OUT.

LET ME TELL YA, YOU'RE ONE HELLOF A GUY, CORPORAL.

I'M GONNA SEE THAT YOUBE MADE A SERGEANT.

EXCUSE ME?

I DON'T GOT MY BLANKIE ANYMORE,BUT I GOT A NEW FRIEND.

OKAY.

HEY, YO.

HEY, HANG ON.

GOT THAT BLANKIE AFTER ALL.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

HEY, YO.

WHAT'S THE MATTERWITH YOU, HUH?

(all talking at once)

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