Hannibal Approaches the Finish Line While Wearing a Deep V-Neck T-Shirt

  • Season 1, Ep 7
  • 08/19/2015

Hannibal investigates the Illuminati, engages in deep conversations with some cute kids, reenacts a dramatic event and welcomes musical guest King Los.

You ever have --

You ever have someonesteal something from you,

and then you catch them,

and then they act likethey weren't stealing?

It's infuriating.

A few weeks ago, I was at a bar,

and some douchebagleft with my bag.

And the bar called me and theygave me all the thief's info.

So I texted him,and he actually texted me back,

proving he's a verystupid person.

And I wasn't able to get himto come on the show

so I could berate himSteve Wilkos style.

I wanted to bring himon the show and put him --

"You don't steal!"Just yell at him.

But he wasn't that stupidto come on the show.

Instead, we did a dramaticreading of all the text messages

between me and him.

Uh, I'll be reading my texts,

and to make thisreally artsy-fartsy,

three of the "Why?With Hannibal Buress" writers

will be reading his texts.

And this guy's such an idiotthat it would be impossible

for one person to channelhis horrible energy.

So, please enjoy.

Yeah.

Yeah, it really --It really pissed me off

that he said,"Your stuff is all Gucci."

Like, don't use slang with me,you thief.

"For sure. Be assured."Who talks like that?

[ Laughter ]

I was furious.Here's some more.

That's a -- That's a real thingthat I typed.

"You ruined one of my days,I'll ruin 30 of yours."

Who the [bleep] do I think I am,Liam Neeson or some [bleep]

I don't even have timeto ruin somebody's month.

How do you ruinsomebody's entire month?

But this dude was an idiot,and I really hated this dude,

and I needed to let him knowthat he was a piece of [bleep]

Aah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's how I end --That's how I end

all of my angry text exchanges,like, "Aah!"

Yeah. And I weardeep V-necks all the time.

Anyways, I got my bag back.

I got my bag back right away,and I shamed the thief on TV.

[bleep] you, Dillon [bleep]

[ Laughter ]

And you know what?

I know they have to bleep thaton TV, but it still felt good.

Kids -- love 'em or hate 'em,

you can't deny the factthat they're young.

Recently...

[ Laughter ]

Recently I had a chanceto talk to some kids

for a new originaltelevision segment that I call

"Children Say Things You Don'tExpect Them to Say Sometimes."

♪♪

Do you know any jokes?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ach.

Ach who?[Achoo]

Bless you.

Ahh!

I'ma give you a half quote,

and then I need youto finish it.Okay.

You better check yourselfbefore you...

Go on a date.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

What's your favoriteTaylor Swift song?

Um...

"The Twinkle, TwinkleLittle Stars."

That must be an album cut.

Have you seenmy stand-up comedy before?

No.You look familiar, though.

Yeah?

I think you kind oflook like a Tyler Perry.

What's your favoriteTV show?

"Zig & Sharko."It's on Netflix.

On Netflix?

Do your parents put the Netflixkids' filter on yours

so you can't watch9/11 documentaries?

-Knock, knock.-Who's there?

-Ach.-Ach who?

[ Chuckles ]

Okay....

Who's your favoritebasketball player?

Mike Dunleavy?

Mike Dunleavy?

-I don't know.-Mike Dunleavy?

-I don't know.-Mike Dunleavy?

-Yeah.-Yeah?

Can you look in the cameraand say,

"Mike Dunleavyis better than Michael Jordan"?

Mike Dunleavyis better than Jordan.

You heard it here first.

You better check yourselfbefore you...

Riggity wreck yourself.

Riggity wreck yourself.

Okay.

Wait,why do you know that?

The only thing to fear is...

Um, when, um...

people tryto take you away.

That's a pretty --That's a pretty solid fear.

I think your quotemight be more impactful

than the originator's.

Can I try a joke?

-Okay.-Cool.

So, I go back home to Chicago,and my dad says,

"Hey, you everhear of this show 'The Wire'?"

And I'm like, "My dad justfound out about 'The Wire.'"

He's like, "Yeah,season two of 'The Wire'."

Who am I to judge my dad

for just now finding outabout the "The Wire"

when I found outabout Jimi Hendrix

because Hulk Hogan was using himas his intro music?

Hulk Hoganwould walk out like

[Mimics guitar]playing "Voodoo Child,"

and I'm like,"Wow, this Jimi Hendrix guy

has got a huge futurefor himself.

It's so cool of Hulk Hoganto give him some exposure."

If you could be any age,what age would you be?

The age I am now.

How old do you think I am?

42?

Perfect.

She got it right?On the dot?

No, not right at all.

But it's betterthan being called Tyler Perry.

I guess blackdoes crack.

I don't get it.