Old Man Ders

  • Season 2, Ep 5
  • 10/18/2011

Ders wrestles with his impending mortality when he turns 25.

IS GONNA BE A FACTORIN THIS YEAR'S TOUR DE FRANZIA.

- I'VE GOT YOU BY THE BACK.

I GOT YOU BY THE BACK.

- YOU CAN DO IT.WE ALL BELIEVE IN YOU.

VERY GOOD.

- OH, HE LOST HELMET.

HE MISSED THE FLAMINGO.

- OH, GUYS.

- YEAH.

- WHAT IS IT?THAT'S NOT BEER.

- NO, IT'S WHISKEY.

I WATERED IT DOWN THOUGH.

- OKAY.ALL RIGHT, FINE.

- WITH BEER.HERE WE GO.

COME ON.

- OH![laughs]

- BOOZE-ATHON, YEAH.

- COME ON,DERZEL HASSELHOFF,

BAYWATCH THOSE BEERS,YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

- NO, DUDE.I CAN'T DO IT,

I'M STARTINGTO GET HOT MOUTH.

- COME ON,THEY NEED YOUR HELP.

CLOCK'S TICKING BY,LET'S GO.

- NO, NO.

- [laughs]

- YEAH.

GET 'EM.

- EWW.

- OH, MY GOSH.

NOBODY'S PUKED THE POOLIN LIKE, A WHILE.

- IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG,ACTUALLY.

- I GUESS WE DID IT.

- YEAH, IT'S BEEN A WHILE.

- I'M DONE.

- WELL, YOU'RE PAYINGFOR A POOL CLEANER.

I MEAN, DON'T BEA DICK ABOUT IT.

THAT IS AN ENTIRE BAGEL BITE.

- HE ATE YOUR BAGEL BITE.

- HE ATE MY BAGEL BITES.

HARRY AND THE HENDERSONSIS LEGIT.

- NO, WE SAID IT WAS LEGIT.

- WHOA, YEAH, HERE'S MY BIRTHDAYPRESENT THAT I GOT YOU.

- OH, DUDE.

- I PUT IT IN A BOX.

- THANKS SO MUCH,

EXCEPT YOU'RE LYING.

I HAD THIS NEXT-DAYEDLAST NIGHT.

- OH, THAT'S A CHOP.[laughs]

- WHO WANTS TO DO A SNIPPET?

- I LOVE SNIPPETS.

- UH, ACTUALLY, WE--

- WITH THE WHIPPETS, RIGHT?

- YEAH, IT'S A WHIPPET.PEOPLE COMES TO SNIP ITS SNOUT.

- WHAT IF WE JUST, UH, DUCKEDOUT INTO THE BATHROOM

AND GOT DRUNK LIKE USUAL?

THAT'LL BE FUN.

- NO, WE ARE MAKING MEMORIES

AND THEN DESTROYING THEM.

- OKAY, NO.THAT IS HIPPY-CRACK, MAN.

DID WE NOT ALL CRY DURINGTHAT STEVE-O DOCUMENTARY?

- RELAX YOUR MIND,I'M GONNA BLAST OFF.

- OH, WOW![laughs]

WE'RE JUST CELEBRATINGBIG DERS' DOG BIRTHDAY.

- YEAH.

- BECAUSE THE DERS' A DOG

AND THEN THERE IS EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAPPENS TO--

- SORRY?

- NOTHING.

- YEAH, HE'S MONKEYINGAROUND AGAIN.

- WHATEVER.

LOOK, UH, THERE'S A BIG SURPRISEFOR YOU IN THE BREAK ROOM.

IT--IT'S A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

ANYWAY, I'M NOT GOING.

- OKAY.

- ANDERS, WE HAVE A DRESS CODE,

CAN YOU PLEASE?

RETURN A STOLEN CAR THAT'SIN OUR POSSESSION?

- [laughs]BOO, NICKY'S JOKING.

IS THAT A JOKE?

- I'M PUKING--I'M DRINKING IT.

- DUDE, WE'RE SHUTTINGTHIS BITCH DOWN.

- WE'RE PARTYING UNTIL 8 P! N!- YEAH.

- OH, YEAH? YOU--YOU--YUP,THAT'S A CHOP.

YOU SAID P.N.

- IT'S OFFICIAL.

- OH, WELL THAT'S A CHOP BACKBECAUSE P.N. IS POST NOON,

EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL,

PICK UP SOME KNOWLEDGE.

- SO, UH, DERS,

WHAT WOULD IT TAKEFOR YOU TO CONSIDER

MAYBE DOING THE EXACT OPPOSITEOF SHUTTING BITCHES DOWN?

MAYBE LEAVING THIS BITCH,HEADING TOWARDS HOME BITCH,

HOME SWEET HOME BITCH?

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

SEE THAT SHARK BLIMP OVER THERE?

YOU WIN ME THAT,AND I'LL GO HOME RIGHT NOW.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN ONESHARK BLIMP CHUMMING RIGHT UP.

- NICE.

- HEY, GOOD LUCK, BUDDY.

- OH, YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH.

- WHOO, WHOO, WHOO!

- HOW MANY MORE TIMESARE YOU GONNA PLAY?

- UH, I'M GONNA PLAY

INFINITY MORE TIMES,LITTLE MAN. OKAY?

- ALL RIGHT, DERS,KEEP POUNDING THAT DOG.

I GOTTA MAKE A CALL, OKAY?- WILL DO.

- DOLPHINS.HEY, MARTY, WHAT'S UP?

IT'S D-BONE.

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER MEAS D-TRAIN.

- MISTER, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

- BUDDY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, TOO.YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL.

DID SOMEONE TELL YOUTHAT YOU WERE?

'CAUSE YOU AREN'T.

- I'M GONNA TELL ON YOU.

- YOU TELL EVERYBODYYOU WANNA TELL.

TELL THE WHOLE WORLD.

I'M GONNA TELL ON YOU.PBBBT!

[donkey brays]

- AHHHH!

- HEY, MAN.- OW! WHAT?

- WHAT YOU DOING HERE, MAN?

KID'S TRYING TO PLAYAND YOU GAME HOGGING?

- SINCE WHEN IS THISTHE ONLY GAME?

THERE'S A MILLION GAMES.THEY CAN PLAY OTHER GAMES.

- YOU DO REALIZE THATTHIS IS A DANTE'S, RIGHT?

I MEAN, IT'S BASICALLYA BLACK CHUCK E. CHEESE.

- OKAY. I CAN SEE THAT.I MEAN, THAT GUY'S NOT BLACK.

- OH, THAT'S OAKLAND TONY.

O.T.

OH, HE BLACKER THAN I AM.

- BUDDY, I-I'M SORRY.TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY.

I'M GONNA WILD OUTAND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

I GOT A CUP FULL OF COINS,

AND I'M GONNA GET WILDWITH THEM, ALL RIGHT?

SORRY.

- HEY.

I GOT MY EYES ON YOU.

- LEGITIMATELY SCARY.

TOO DRUNK TO CARE.

I FIGURED I'D TREAT MYSELFA LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW.

- [laughs]- KEEP SHAKING IT, HERE WE GO.

WHOA.- OH.

- DUDE, IS THAT MY GIFT?

- UH, YEAH, YEAH.- YEAH.

- YEAH, IT IS YOUR--IT IS YOURBIRTHDAY PRESENT.

- WOO, HEY.

- I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURETHEY ARE NOT POISONOUS.

[growls]

NO, IT'S GOOD UNLESSYOU'RE ALLERGIC TO GLITTER, SO--

- WHOA, GLITTER TITTIES,FOR REAL?

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

- COME ON, MAN.LET'S GO.

- SORRY, MAN. YOU'RE 46 TICKETSSHY OF THE SHARK.

YOU COULD GET SOME VAMPIRE TEETHAND SOME SCRUNCHIES.

- WHAT?

OKAY, LOOK.

I'M NOT TRYINGTO FREAK OUT ON YOU, MAN.

YOU'RE JUST DOING YOUR JOB.

I'VE GOT A JOB, TOO.

AND I DO IT SOMETIMES.

BUT THIS IS AN EMERGENCY, OKAY?

WE'VE GOT A GUYWHO IS FIVE BEERS AWAY

FROM TURNING INTO THE DERS.

THIS IS A GUY WHO [bleep]EDA COY FISH IN THE MOUTH

UNTIL IT DIEDIN FRONT OF A P.F. CHANG'S.

- I JUST COUNT TICKETS, DUDE.

- [laughs]- YEAH, I'M YOUR BOSS.

- HERE WE GO.TRYING TO BUCK YOU.

OH, SHE JUST MADEHER BUTTHOLE WINK.

- WHAT?- IT JUST WINKED AT ME.

- OH, THAT IS TOO REAL.

- OH MY GOD.

- WELL, NOT A FAN.

LET'S STICK TO HITS, PLEASE.

- COOL.

- TITTIES UP.- ANGEL,

HOLD UP BUDDY,MY KNEES ARE BURNING--

WHAT THE HELL!

I NEED TO SEE YOU OUTSIDE NOW.

- WHERE THEY GO?WHERE THEY AT?

- [laughs]

- OH, I'M GOING TO MISS YOU.

I CAN'T AFFORD YOU FOR LONGER.

BUT I'M GOING TO MISS YOU.

- BUTTON UP.

LET'S PLAY IT SAFE.THERE'S KIDS.

THERE'S KIDS.YOU GOT TO RESPECT THE KIDS.

SOMEONE TOOKA SIP FROM MY BEER.

I DON'T LIKE THAT,BIRTHDAY BOY.

- ANGEL, GO PLAYWITH THE TEAM, OKAY?

- LATER, DUDE, WE CHANGEDYOUR LIFE. DON'T FORGET THAT.

- YEAH DUDE, YOU'RE GOING TOREMEMBER THAT FOREVER.

- NOW, I AIN'T TRYINGTO FIGHT TODAY

BECAUSE IT'SA BEAUTIFUL OCCASION.

BUT YOU BROUGHT STRIPPERS,ALBEIT SOME FINE ASS STRIPPERS,

TO A KID'S PIZZA PLACE.

- DUDE, I'M NOT GOINGTO SAY THIS AGAIN.

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY

AND I'M GOING TO DO

WHATEVER I WANNA DO.

[shout]

- WHAT WAS THAT?

LET THE PROPOSED PROPERTY TAXOVERRIDE FUND THE...

[whistle blows]

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

FOR THE NEXT PRESIDENTOF RANCHO CUCAMONGA,

ANDERS HOLMVIK.

- [laughter]

- HEY!

HELLO.

GREETINGS,MY FELLOW RANCHO CUCAMONGANS.

MY NAME ISANDERS TORFIN HOLMVIK.

I'M HERE TO ANNOUNCE TODAY

THAT BECAUSE I AM NOW25 YEARS YOUNG,

IT'S NOT OLD, IT'S YOUNG,

I'M THEREFORE ELIGIBLE TO RUNFOR CITY COUNCILMAN DUDE...

AND I'M GOING TO DO IT.

- YEAH.- ALL RIGHT.

- SO PROUD.

- OKAY.

NOT TODAY LIKE, YOU KNOW, MAYBEDOWN IN LIKE 2016.

I'VE GOT A--

SOME STUDENT LOANS TO PAY OFF.

SO GET THAT OUT OF THE WAY

AND THEN I'M GONNA BEUP IN YOUR GRILLS

ASKING FOR VOTES, OKAY?

SO, CONSIDER THIS A WARNING.

AND HERE'S A SLOGAN:

IT'S, "YOU CAN ALWAYSBET ON DERS."

THAT'S MY NAME.

- [laughter]

- EXCUSE ME.

THIS IS LIKE A FORUMWE RUN FOR CITY COUNCIL.

- I KNOW, DUDE.

I'M SAID, I'M GOING TO RUN.

WE GOTTA STICK.I'LL GET HIM OUT OF OFFICE,

ASAP.

- VOTE OR DIE.

VOTE OR DIE.

VOTE OR DIE.

VOTE OR DIE.

- PLEASE LEAVE.- VOTE OR DIE.

- WE NEED YOU TO GO.

- VOTE OR DIE.

VOTE OR DIE.

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