Monday, November 30, 2015

  • 11/30/2015

Michelle Beadle, Rick Glassman and Brent Morin read basketball's love letters to Kobe Bryant, share the worst Cyber Monday deals and text a #BreakupIn5Words.

>> Chris: RIPPED FROM THE

HEADLINES TODAY, IT'S RAPID

REFRESH.

THE GRAPHICS I MISS THEM.

IT'S ALL BLINKY ON THE SET NOW.

THAT MEANS THINGS ARE HAPPENING.

WHILE WE WERE JAMMING OUR FACES

WITH COLD STUFFING LAST WEEK,

ADELE WAS STUFFING HER BANK

ACCOUNT WITH ALL OF OUR MONEY.

SHE SOLD MORE THAN THREE MILLION

COPIES OF HER NEW ALBUM, "25,"

INCREDIBLE IN TODAY'S MUSIC

CLIMATE.

SHOW DID THIS

BY HITTING THE KEY DEMOGRAPHIC

OF PEOPLE CURRENTLY STANDING IN

LINE AT A MACY'S.

ADELE SMASHED THE PREVIOUS SALES

RECORD HELD BY NSYNC, SO THERE'S

ONE MORE REASON FOR JOEY FATONE

TO JUST STAY IN BED TODAY.

BUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH

TEAR-LAXATIVE MUSIC SHE SELLS,

THE MEDIA ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HOW

SHE'S STILL "REAL."

SUCCESS HASN'T CHANGED HER AT

-- SHE'S SUPER DOWN TO EARTH.

I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T HAVE A

GORGEOUS, FORMER MR. EUROPE

DUTCH BODYGUARD?

BUT SURELY HER LIFESTYLE HAS

SHIFTED AFTER SOMEHOW MAKING THE

WORD "HELLO" CATCHY, SO

COMEDIANS, HOW DOES THE

UBER-WEALTHY, FAMOUS ADELE STAY

"DOWN TO EARTH"?

>> SHE LOVES TO LAUGH AT POOR

KIDS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE UN CONFERENCE ON CLIMATE

CHANGE KICKED OFF TODAY IN PARIS

WHERE 150 WORLD LEADERS, 40,000

DELEGATES AND HUNDREDS OF SCARED

[BLEEP] ENERGY LOBBYISTS

MET TO DETERMINE HOW TO REDUCE

OUR

RELIANCE ON COW FLATULENCE AND

GAS-GUZZLING MILLENNIUM FALCONS.

THEY'VE GOT A TOUGH TASK.

HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO USE LESS

ENERGY WHEN THE AVERAGE HOTEL

ROOM DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH OUTLETS

TO PLUG IN YOUR iPHONE AND iPAD

AND KINDLE AND LAPTOP IN THE

SAME BEDSIDE LAMP?

BUT LUCKILY, TWITTER HAS JOINED

THIS CAUSE WITH A NEW SET OF

CLIMATE CHANGE THEMED EMOJI.

BECAUSE NOTHING SHOUTS

"COMMITMENT TO REVERSING THE

FOSSIL-FUEL EMISSIONS" LIKE

ADORABLE LITTLE PICTURE OF A

PLANET NEXT TO THE WORDS

HASHTAG CLIMATE CHANGE

THIS IS DUMB -- THIS ISNT EVEN

IF THE PLANET WAS THIS SHAPE

THE CONTINENTS WOULD BE ALL OVER

THE [BEEP] PLACE

-- THIS IS SCIENTIFICALLY POOR

AND A HEART ISN'T SHAPED THIS

WAY!

GOD DAMN IT.

WHAT ARE OTHER WEB SITES

FIGHTING CLIMATE CHANGE MORE

EFFECTIVELY.

>> ASHLEY MADISON IS GOING GREEN

WITH ENVY.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL PLAYED.

BRENT.

>> FAT JEWISH INSTAGRAM WILL

RECYCLE ALL OF YOUR JOKES FOR

YOU.

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

>> WOW.

Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> THAT'S FUNNY.

FOXNEWS.COM WILL START COVERING

IT, POLITICS.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

#HASHTAGWARS.

>> Chris: THIS IS FUN/AWFUL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S A NEW WEB SERVICE CALLED

thebreakupshop.com, WHICH FOR

JUST $10 DOLLARS AND A PIECE OF

YOUR SOUL, WILL END A

RELATIONSHIP FOR YOU BY SENDING

A BREAK-UP TEXT LIKE THIS:

"HI STEPHANIE, WE'RE SENDING

THIS MESSAGE ON BEHALF OF DANNY.

WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT

DANNY IS BREAKING UP WITH YOU."

[BEEP] DANNY.

WE THINK YOU CAN DO ONE BETTER

BY BREAKING UP IN A MUCH

SHORTER TEXT.

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS:

#BREAKUPIN5WORDS.

EXAMPLES: "GETTING BACK WITH

YOUR BROTHER!" AND "MY FERRETS

NEED MORE ROOM"

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK.

BEGIN.

RICK.

>> I'M HOLDING OUT FOR KOBE.

>> WOW.

Chris: BRENT.

>>

>> DING DING DING I'M GAY.

Chris: MICHELLE.

>> YOUR DAD IS A GOOD KISSER.

Chris: BRENT.

>> MY SHOW IS CALLED UNDATABLE.

Chris: POINTS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: RICK.

>> YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH THE FACT

THAT I CAN'T COUNT TO 5.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WELL PLAYED.

THAT WAS A SOLID JOKE.

MICHELLE.

>> IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO

EVERYONE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRENT.

[LAUGHING]

>> MOTHER DOESN'T WANT ME

DATING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> YOU WILL MISS MY DUTCH OVEN.

>> BOY.

>> I THINK YOU'RE ONLY 17.

Chris: POINTS.

BRENT.

>> ME GOT GREEN CARD, BYE.

Chris: PERFECT.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY SPECIAL

EFFECTS.

SPECIAL EFFECTS.

IT'S A GOOD YEAR FOR BIG

BUDGET ACTION

MOVIES: A NEW "MAD MAX," A NEW

"JURASSIC PARK," AND EVEN A NEW

"STAR WARS."

IT'S GOING TO BE SO [BEEP] GOOD.

LET ME PUSH THE BONER DOWN.

AND WHILE A LOT OF THINGS GO

INTO MAKING AN ACTION MOVIE

GREAT, ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT

IS GOOD CGI.

NOT TOO MUCH CGI BUT GOOD CGI

WITH PRACTICAL EFFECTS.

HOWEVER, NOT EVERYONE DOES IT

WELL, WHICH IS GREAT FOR US.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

A CLIP FROM AN ACTION MOVIE WITH

SOME AWFUL SPECIAL EFFECTS AND

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO

ANSWER A

QUESTION ABOUT EACH.

FIRST UP, THIS TOTALLY REALISTIC

SLICE FROM "MEGAFORCE."

[LAUGHING]

>> BRING IT ON HOME.

YEAH I SEE YOU TOO.

>> WHAT THE [BEEP].

>> Chris: WHAT'S THE NEXT LINE?

RICK.

>> YOU GUYS, NO ONE IS GOING TO

WATCH THIS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

BRENT.

>> GET HERE FAST TO SUCK OUR

[BEEP]

>> YA!

>> YA!

Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> HURRY, ALL THE WOMEN ARE

DEAD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SORRY.

>> SHE'S ALLOWED.

>> I'M ALLOWED.

Chris: SHE'S ALLOWED.

>> Chris: NEXT, LET'S CRAP ON

ALFRED HITCHCOCK'S LEGACY WITH A

CLIP FROM "BIRDEMIC."

>> HERE THEY COME.

Chris: NOW I PERSONALLY LOVE

"BIRDEMIC" MY FRIEND WHITNEY

MOORE IS IN IT.

SAY SOMETHING NICE TO THE GUY

WHO MADE.

THIS.

>> THE WAY THAT THE BIRDS FLEW

TOWARD YOU IT'S REALISTIC.

THE WEAPONS, COAT HANGERS,

BRAVO.

>> Chris: VERY NICE, POINTS.

RICK.

>> I THOUGHT IT WAS A REALLY

COOL CHOICE TO START SWINGING

BEFORE THE BIRDS EVEN SHOWED UP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

MICHELLE.

>> NO.

Chris: NO.

>> NOT SAYING ANYTHING NICE TO

YOU.

>> Chris: POINTS.

THAT'S FARE.

THAT'S FARE.

>> GOOD DEAL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: NEXT WE HAVE A CLIP

FROM THE BOLLYWOOD FLICK,

"SINGHAM 8."

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: COMEDIANS WHAT IS

PHYSICS?

RICK.

>> WELL, WHO CARES, CHRIS, THAT

WAS THE [BEEP] COOLEST SCENE I

HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE

LIFE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> I AGREE.

Chris: MICHELLE.

>> I AGREE.

PHYSICS IS SOMETHING THAT

DOESN'T MATTER WHEN

YOU'RE A BADASS IN A SHMEDIUM

TEE.

>> Chris: THAT'S MY SIZE.

NEXT UP A PIECE OF PIERCING

CINEMA RIGHT HERE.

>> OH, MY.

>> WOW.

Chris: WHAT IS THE TAG LINE

FOR THIS MOVIE?

BRENT.

>> ANOTHER TRIUMPH FROM PIXAR.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: WHAT ABOUT THIS

UGANDAN MASTERPIECE.

>> Chris: WHAT AWARD WILL THIS

MOVIE WIN?

BRENT.

>> BEST EFFORT.

Chris: POINTS.

RICK GLASSMAN.

>> BEST MOVIE EXCLUSIVELY MADE

ON A MOTOR ROLL A RAZOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME--

PHOTOBOMBS: CREEPY OR CUTE?

PHOTOBOMBS ARE LITTLE SURPRISES

THAT CAN EITHER FILL YOUR HEART

JOY OR CONJURE NIGHTMARES SO

TWISTED THEY'D MAKE H.P.

LOVECRAFT [BEEP] HIS PANTS.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU

A BIT OF A PHOTOBOMB THAT'S GONE

VIRAL, AND FOR 250 POINTS, I

WANT YOU TO TELL ME IF IT'S

CREEPY OR IF IT'S CUTE.

FIRST, CREEPY OR CUTE?

THAT'S MICHELLE.

>> CUTE.

Chris: YOU THINK SO?

>> PROBABLY NOT.

Chris: OH, GOOD LORD.

>> CUTE.

>> ANYONE WITH THOSE NECK

MUSCLES HAS NO CUTE PHOTOBOMB.

>> Chris: BEACH BOYS CREEPY OR

CUTE?

>> CREEPY.

Chris: YEP.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU

APPLAUDING?

THE GROOMSMEN LOOK COMPLETELY

UNPHASED.

WHAT WAS THIS GUY'S ROLL IN THE

WEDDING?

>> CLEARLY THE GROOM.

Chris: FINALLY MY GOOD

FRIENDS SETH GREEN AND CLAIRE

GRANT HERE.

WONDERFUL PEOPLE. ADORABLE HUMAN

BEINGS. I LOVE THEM.

WHAT IS IN THE BACKGROUND,

CREEPY OR CUTE.

>> CREEPY.

Chris: VERY CUTE.

>> AHHH.

Chris: I WILL GIVE YOU

CREEPY.

I WILL GIVE YOU CREEPY.

>> WHAT IS THAT GIRL DOING BACK

THERE?

>> Chris: IT'S TIME FOR WANNA

CYBER?

KIDS LOVE TO USE THAT PHRASE.

IT'S CYBER MONDAY, GUYS, AND

SALES TODAY WERE AROUND THREE

BILLION DOLLARS BECAUSE IT TURNS

OUT, PEOPLE LIKE SHOPPING WHILE

NOT WEARING PANTS!

AlTHOUGH THEY ALSO COULD HAVE

GONE TO WALMART FOR THAT.

ACCORDING TO THIS PHOTO.

>> GOOD FOR HIM.

WHY NOT.

>> I LIKE.

THAT.

>> Chris: THIS GUY IS TRYING

SMUGGLE

A PACK OF FUN-SIZE ROLOS IN HIS

SHORTS.

COMEDIANS, IT DOESN'T TAKE A

CYBER GENIUS TO SEE THAT ONLINE

DEALS ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL, SO

GIVE ME AS MANY BAD CYBER MONDAY

DEALS AS YOU CAN.

BEGIN.

>> FREE GUN RECENTLY FIRED.

NO QUESTIONS ASKED,

>> Chris: MICHELLE.

>> FREE LAKERS TICKETS.

Chris: BRENT.

>> BYE ONE WNBA TICKET GET ALL

OF THE WNBA TICKETS FREE.

[LAUGHING]

>> Chris: RICK.

>> BUY A PAIR OF NIKE HE'S AND

GET THE SECOND AT FULL PRICE.

>> Chris: MICHELLE.

>> FREE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT

WITH EVERY JUSTIN BIEBER ALBUM

SOLD.

Chris: BRENT.

FREE TASING AT PARTICIPATING

FLORIDA POLICE STATIONS.