August 19, 2015 - Birthright Citizenship & Gay Adoption Ban

  • 08/19/2015

Donald Trump proposes an end to birthright citizenship in America, and Larry debates the value of participation trophies with Lil Rel Howery, Calise Hawkins and Brett Gelman.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WOW.

LOOK AT THIS CROWD.

WELCOME TO THE NIGHTLY SHOW.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LARRY, LARRY!

>> Larry: THANK YOU.

>> SUCH ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD, ITIS SUCH AN EXCITING NIGHT.

MAN.

I APPRECIATE IT, YOU GUYSBECAUSE IT TOOK ME AN HOUR JUST

TO SHAVE MY HEAD TONIGHT.

CUT HAIR.

VERY EXCITING NEWS, IT IS OUR100TH EPISODE TONIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: VERY EXCITING.

I MEAN, IT IS NOT REALLY THATIMPRESSIVE FOR A LATE NIGHT

SHOW.

I MEAN, IT JUST MEANS WE HAVEBEEN ON FOR ABOUT SIX MONTHS,

BUT, HEY, THANKS FOR CLAPPING.

I APPRECIATE IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

SO I DO HAVE A QUESTION.

WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH THEUNBLACKENING? ♪

>> Larry: TONIGHT, MEXICANS.

YOU SAY MEXI-CAN, DONALD TRUMPSAYS MEXI-CAN'T.

>> OH, YES ON HIS PLANE HEHANDED ME HIS IMMIGRATION PLAN.

ABOUT AN EIGHT PAGE PLAN, HEWANTS TO END THE AUTOMATIC RIGHT

OF CITIZENSHIP FOR ANYONE BORNIN THE COUNTRY.

THAT'S PROBABLY THE BIGGEST NEWSIN THE PLAN.

>> Larry: NO PROBABLY ABOUTIT, CHUCK.

I DON'T CARE IF TRUMP'SIMMIGRATION PLAN REVEALS THE

TRUE IDENTITY OF THE ZODIACKILLER. THIS IS HUGE NEWS.

>> SO TO BE CLEAR, OKAY, RIGHTNOW IF YOU ARE BORN IN THIS

COUNTRY YOU ARE A CITIZEN.

THAT'S IT.

BUT ACCORDING TO TRUMP,BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP IS A

MAGNET FOR ILLEGAL IMMIGRATIONAND WE NEED TO END IT.

>> Larry: GUYS, COME ON, YOUKNOW DONALD HAS COMPLETELY

THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

>> WE ARE GOING TO KEEP THEFAMILIES TOGETHER.

WE HAVE TO KEEP THE FAMILIESTOGETHER.

>> SO YOU FROM GOING TO SENDTHEM OUT.

>> THEY HAVE TO GO.

>> WHAT IF THEY HAVE NO PLACE TOGO.

WE WILL WORK WITH THEM.

THEY HAVE TO GO.

>> Larry: THEY HAVE TO GO? WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? LIKE

CATAPULT THE CHILDREN OVER THEBORDER? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE

SENSE.

>> LARRY.

>> Larry: OH, MY GOSH!

>> LARRY!

>> Larry: IT'S DONALD TRUMP INHIS MINI CHOPPER.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Larry: OH, MY GOSH.

>> LARRY, PLEASE, PLEASE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

>> I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THATCATAPULTING CHILDREN OVER THE

BORDER IS A VERY GREAT IDEA THATI ALREADY HAD.

>> Larry: WAIT.

SO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO CATAPULTMEXICAN CHILDREN OVER THE

BORDER?

>> LARRY, IF I MAY DEMONSTRATE,BRING IT IN, BOYS.

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT.

WHAT IS THIS?

>> IT IS A LITTLE DEMONSTRATIONI SET UP FOR YOU.

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT.

SO WHAT IS IT?

>> BASICALLY WHAT YOU ARELOOKING AT RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE

LOOKING AT A TRUMP DESIGNEDMEXICAN BABY CATAPULT, LARRY.

AND THAT WALL RIGHT THERE, THATWALL REPRESENTS THE MEXICAN

BORDER OF.

>> Larry: THIS IS INSANE.

>> LARRY DO, ME A FAVOR.

TAKE THAT ILLEGAL BROWN CHILDAND PUT IT IN THE CATAPULT.

GO AHEAD.

>> Larry: I AM NOT GOING TOPUT THE BROWN CHILD IN THE

CATAPULT!

>> CALM DOWN, LARRY.

LOOK, IT IS NOT ACTUALLY ANILLEGAL BROWN CHILD.

IT IS JUST A SIMULATION.

AND IT IS A VERY HUMANE THING.

JUST PUT THE CHILD IN THELUXURIOUS CATAPULT.

>> Larry: ALL RIGHT, ALLRIGHT.

FINE.

I WILL PUT THE CHILD IN THELUXURIOUS CATAPULT.

ALL RIGHT.

SO.

>> TRUMP MADE IT.

IT IS THE BEST.

>> Larry: OKAY.

I BELIEVE IT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S HOW THEY GO.

NOW FLIP THE SWITCH.

>> Larry: FLIP THE SWITCH. ALL RIGHT.

OH!

>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT IS AN ILLEGAL BABY.

THAT'S FINE.

FLIP IT.

>> Larry: OH.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> HEY, LARRY YOU JUST MADEAMERICA GREAT AGAIN.

GREAT JOB.

>> Larry: GET OUT OF HERE.

DONALD TRUMP, EVERYONE.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> Larry: GO, GO, GO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MADE ME DOTHAT.

>> MAKING ME CATAPULT MEXICANBABIES OVER

NOW I KNOW THIS -- THERE WE GO.

NOW, I KNOW THIS ALL SEEMSCRAZY, BUT EVEN SOME REPUBLICAN

CANDIDATES ARE JUMPING ON THELUXURIOUS TRUMP TRAIN.

>> SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAMTELLING CNN MONDAY THE

BIRTHRIGHT POLICY NEEDS TO BECHANGED.

>> LOUISIANA GOVERNOR BOBBYJINDAL WRITING ON TWITTER WE

NEED TO END BIRTHRIGHTCITIZENSHIP FOR ILLEGAL

IMMIGRANTS.

SCOTT WALKER ALSO SUPPORTSENDING BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP.

>> Larry: QUICK OPTICS, TIP,SCOTT WALKER.

WHEN THE POLICY YOU WANT TO ENDIS GOING TO LEAD TO 0 A,

MINORITIES BEING ROUNDED UP ANDSENT SOMEWHERE YOU MIGHT WANT TO

LOWER YOUR ARM.

>> NOW TO BE FAIR, THEREPUBLICAN ESTABLISHMENT DOES

NOT WANT TO BE HAVING THISCONVERSATION.

JEB EXCLAMATION POINT.

AND MARCO RUBIO HAVE BOTH SAIDTHEY ARE NOT IN FAVOR OF

CHANGING THIS LAW.

BUT JEB IS MARRIED TO A MEXICANIMMIGRANT, AND MARCO RUBIO IS

LATINO HIMSELF.

SO EITHER THEY ARE MORE ATTUNEDTO ISSUES OR THEY JUST HAVE --

WHAT IS THAT THING CALLED? OH,YEAH, BASIC HUMAN EMPATHY.

I ALWAYS FORGET THAT.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

HERE IS THE THING.

EVEN BILL O'REILLY THINKS TRUMPHAS GONE TOO FAR.

>> THEN YOU SAY WELL WE HAVE TOHAVE MASS DEPORTATION.

THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPENBECAUSE THE FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT

SAYS IF YOU ARE BORN HERE YOUARE AN AMERICAN.

>> BILL, I THINK YOU ARE WRONGABOUT THE FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT.

>> Larry: I NEVER THOUGHT IWOULD SAY THIS, TRUMP, BUT BILL

O'REILLY IS CORRECT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: YOU KNOW WHAT,

DONALD TRUMP I NEED TO TAKE YOUO KNOWLEDGE COLLEGE, ALL RIGHT?

LET'S DO THAT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

HERE NOW IT IS KNOWLEDGECOLLEGE.

>> SO BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIP WASALWAYS A PART OF THE COMMON LAW

OF THE U.S. IT WAS PART OFOUR DNA, LIKE GEORGE WASHINGTON

STUFFED CRUST PIZZA AND THE FASTAND FURIOUS MOVIES.

BUT THEN IN 1857 THE SUPREMECOURT HANDED DOWN THE DRED SCOTT

DECISION, NOT THEIR BEST WORK.

IT KIND OF LIKE THEIR TOKYODRIFT.

IT'S THE EMBARRASSING ONE THEYWOULD LIKE EVERYONE TO FORGET.

NOW BECAUSE THE DRED SCOTTDECISION SAID THAT AFRICAN

AMERICANS HAD NO CITIZENSHIPRIGHTS, WHETHER BY BIRTH OR

OTHERWISE, AND THEN BETWEEN 1857AND 1868 SOME STUFF HAPPENED.

BY THE WAY, AFTER THE STUFF,CONGRESS TOOK UP THE ISSUE OF

CITIZENSHIP AND JUST NOT WORRIEDABOUT THE FREED SLAVES,

SENATOR EDGAR COWAN, THE DONALDTRUMP OF HIS DAY

WONDERED IF IT WOULD THENATURALIZE THE CHILDREN OF THE

CHINESE AND GYPSIES BORN

IN THE COUNTRY TO WHICH TRUMBULLRESPONDED A CHILD OF AN ASIATIC

IS JUST AS MUCH A CITIZEN AS THECHILD OF A EUROPEAN.

>> ASIATIC? OH, OLD-TIMEYLANGUAGE, EVEN WHEN YOU ARE NOT

TRYING TO BE RACIST YOU SOMEHOWNEVER LET ME DOWN.

>> BUT LYMAN WAS RIGHT AND THISIS THE DEBATE THAT LED TO THE

PASSAGE OF THE FOURTEENTHAMENDMENT WHICH

ENSHRINED BIRTHRIGHT CITIZENSHIPINTO LAW.

AND CRAZIEST OF ALL, THEFOURTEENTH AMENDMENT WAS A

REPUBLICAN IDEA, IT WASSOMETHING THEY GOT COMPLETELY

RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, LIKEHEALTHCARE EXCHANGES AND HATING

JOHN EDWARDS.

BUT NOW IT'S UNDER ATTACK.

THIS COUNTRY WOULDN'T BE WHAT ITIS IF THE CHILDREN OF FREED

SLAVES, CHINESE LABORERS, IRISHAND ITALIAN IMMIGRANTS AND THE

FAMILIES OF DONALD TRUMP, BOBBYJINDAL AND SCOTT WALKER HAD NOT

ALL BENEFITED FROM BIRTHRIGHTCITIZENSHIP.

IF YOU ARE BORN HERE, THAT'S IT.

OKAY?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: OKAY? YOU DON'T

HAVE TO LIVE IN THE SHADOWS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUTDEPORTATION, AND NO ONE CAN ASK

YOU TO PROVE YOUR HERITAGE.

WELL, UNLESS THEY ARE INSANE.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

THERE ARE TIMES IN PEOPLE'SLIVES WHEN THE ODDS ARE AGAINST

THEM, THE TIDE HAS TURNED, ANDTHEY STAND-ALONE, NAPOLEON AT

WATERLOO, CUSTER'S LAST STAND,CUBS FANS.

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, I HAVE TOASK, SO THIS IS THE HILL YOU

WANT TO DIE ON? ♪♪

>> Larry: TONIGHT'S HILL TODIE ON, BANNING GAY ADOPTION.

A FEDERAL LAWSUIT HAS JUST BEENFILED CHALLENGING THE LAST

REMAINING ADOPTION BAN IN THEUNITED STATES FOR SAME-SEX

COUPLES.

MISSISSIPPI IS THE ONLY STATELEFT IN THE NATION THAT BANS GAY

COUPLES FROM ADOPTING.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

MISSISSIPPI.

>> MISSISSIPPI IS THE LONEHOLDOUT AGAINST LOVING PARENTS

WHO HAPPENED TO HAVE TWO HOO-HASOR WEE-WEES.

A NOW I AM NOT SAYING THAT EACHPARENT HAS TWO HOO-HAS, YOU

KNOW, OR WEE-WEES INDIVIDUALLY.

I AM NOT AGAINST HOW MANYHOO-HAS OR WEE-WEES -- I THINK

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT I AM SAYINGHERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

BUT SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, WHAT ISMISSISSIPPI WORRIED ABOUT? ARE

THEY CONCERNED THAT GAY PARENTSMIGHT THREATEN THEIR RECORD AS

RANKING LAST IN CHILDWELL-BEING? OKAY.

NOW HERE IT IS, TELL US WHYMISSISSIPPI IS DYING ON THIS

HILL, PLEASE WELCOME MISSISSIPPISTATE LEGAL COUNSEL, BEECHUM

GRADY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> WHY, THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME,LARRY.

>> Larry: OKAY.

YOU ARE WELCOME, BEECHUM.

SO WHY DOESN'T MISSISSIPPI WANTGAY COUPLES TO ADOPT?

>> LARRY, MISSISSIPPI ISN'TANTI-GAY.

IT'S SIMPLY PRO-YESTERDAY.

>> Larry: PRO-YESTERDAY? WHATDOES THAT MEAN?

>> LOOK, LARRY.

MISSISSIPPI IS JUST TRYING TOREBRAND ITSELF FROM THE

HOSPITALITY STATE TO THENOSTALGIA STATE.

>> Larry: THE NOSTALGIA STATE?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE WE WANTTO BE THE ONE PLACE IN AMERICA

WHERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS OF THE1950'S NEVER ENDED.

WHERE YOUR BIGGEST CONCERN ISN'TGLOBAL WARMING OR ISIS, BUT HOW

MANY PENNY COLAS YOU CAN SNEAKFROM OLD MAN JOHNSON AT THE OLD

FIVE AND DIME, RIGHT? NOWDOESN'T THAT SOUND NICE, LARRY?

>> Larry: WELL, YEAH.

IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD WHEN YOUPUT IT LIKE THAT.

BUT WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DOWITH BANNING GAY ADOPTION.

>> CALM DOWN.

NOW, LARRY, IF YOU GO BACK FARENOUGH, GAY DOESN'T EXIST YET.

>> Larry: WHAT?

>> LARRY, THAT IS SIMPLESCIENCE.

NOW, LISTEN.

>> Larry: IT IS NOT SCIENCE.

>> SO WE ARE NOT ANTI-GAY.

WE ARE SIMPLY PRE-GAY.

>> Larry: WAIT.

DID YOU SAY PRE-GAY?

>> THAT'S RIGHT, LARRY.

AFTER ALL, IT'S ADAM AND EVE NOTADAM AND STEVE.

>> Larry: OKAY.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

LOOK, FIRST OF ALL, GAY PEOPLEEXISTED IN THE 1950'S.

WHAT ABOUT ROCK HUDSON?

>> YOU TAKE THAT BACK, LARRY!

>> Larry: WHY? WHY SHOULD ITAKE IT BACK.

>> YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT FUTUREROCK HUDSON.

NOW HERE IN MISSISSIPPI, ROCKHUDSON IS STILL A MAN'S MAN.

>> Larry: YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IWAS SAYING, HE WAS A MAN'S MAN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> LARRY, DON'T YOU TWIST MY

WORDS WITH YOUR NORTHERNTRICKERY.

>> Larry: IT IS NOT TRICKERY.

>> BESIDES, EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'SCHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS

STEVE.

>> Larry: CHRISTMAS STEVE? LOOK, THE FIFTIES WERE NOT A

PERFECT TIME FOR ANYONE,ESPECIALLY GAY PEOPLE.

YOU DIDN'T SEE THEM BECAUSE THEYHAD TO STAY IN THE CLOSET.

>> LARRY YOU KNOW WHAT I KEEP INMY CLOSET? A FISHING POLE.

AND WHAT I DO ON A NICE SUMMERDAY I TAKE IT DOWN TO OLD RAY'S

CRICK AND I PUT SOME TROUT RIGHTTHERE IN MY WICKER BASKET.

WHICH REMINDS ME.

IT'S BASKET WEAVE, DON'T BASKETSTEVE.

>> Larry: THAT MAKES NO SENSEAT ALL.

>> YOU KNOW, LARRY, IT'SSHREVEPORT, NOT STEVE-PORT.

>> Larry: WITH A WHY ARE YOUO OBSESSED WITH THE NAME STEVE?

I MEAN YOU CAN'T USE EMPTYPLATITUDES TO TRY TO DISPROVE

MEANINGFUL GAY RELATIONSHIPS ANDDENY THEM BASIC RIGHTS TO HAVE A

FAMILY.

>> WOW IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'SGOT A PET STEVE INSTEAD OF A PET

PEEVE.

>> Larry: OKAY.

>> YOU ARE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE.

I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO YOUANYMORE.

>> YVES ST. LAURENT, NOT STEVEST. LAURENT.

>> Larry: BEECHUM, GRADY,EVERYONE.

>> IT'S TEL AVIV, NOT TELL ASTEVE!

>> Larry: WE WILL BE RIGHTBACK!

>>>> Larry: WELCOME BACK.

I AM HERE WITH MY PANEL,STAND-UP SPECIAL RELEVANT WILL

PREMIERE ON COMEDY CENTRALSEPTEMBER 5TH, AND YOU CAN SEE

HIM ON NBC'S THE CARMICHAELSHOW, COMEDIAN LIL REL HOWERY,

AND VERY EXCITED TO HAVE HER ONTHE SHOW, VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN,

CALISE HAWKINS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> Larry: AND HE IS CURRENTLY

STARRING IN MARRIED ON FX AIRINGTHURSDAYS, COMEDIAN AND ACTOR

BRETT GELMAN.

OKAY.

SO LET'S GO THERE.

THIS STORY HAPPENED EARLIER THISWEEK AND I REALLY WANTED TO TALK

ABOUT IT.

YOU GUYS HEARD ABOUT THIS I AMSURE ABOUT JAMES HARRISON AND

THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS.

HE POSTED ON SOCIAL MEDIA HETOOK HIS SON'S PARTICIPATION

TROPHIES TROPHIES BACK BECAUSETHEY DIDN'T EARN THEM.

BECAUSE ALL THE KIDS GETTROPHIES.

HIS SONS ARE SIX AND EIGHT YEARSOLD.

OKAY?

>> NOW, I HAVE BEEN TALKINGABOUT THIS FOR A LONG TIME

BECAUSE I THINK PARTICIPATIONTROPHIES [BLEEP]. DO YOU

THINK EVERYONE SO SHOULD GET ATROPHY JUST FOR SHOWING UP.

YOU HAVE A CHILD.

>> YES, I HAVE ANEIGHT-YEAR-OLD, IT IS NOT THIS

DEEP. THIS IS SIX ANDEIGHT-YEAR-OLD, YES GIVE THEM A

TROPHY, THEY SHOWED UP ANDPARTICIPATED AND THEY PAID THEIR

DUES AND BY DUES I DON'T MEANTHEY WORKED FOR HARD FOR IT, I

MEAN THEY PAID THEIR MEMBERSHIPFEES, THEY BOUGHT A TROPHY GIVE

IT TO THEM.

>> AT FOUR AND FIVE, I DON'TTHINK THEY KNOW WHAT A TROPHY

IS, IT IS LIKE SOMEBODY GOTSOMETHING AND THEY DIDN'T.

WHEN YOU GET A LITTLE OLDERYOU HAVE TO START EARNING

SOMETHING, DON'T YOU THINK?

>> YEAH, DEFINITELY.

I MEAN, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF SIXOR EIGHT IS THE AGE FOR THAT.

>> Larry: THE CUTOFF?

>> I THINK 13 IS THE CUTOFF.

>> Larry: 13?

>> AFTER BAR MITZVAH THEN YOUHAVE TO START EARNING.

>> WHICH IS WHY MY REAL POINTTODAY IS THAT EVERYONE JEWISH OR

NOT SHOULD HAVE A BAR MITZVAH ORA BAT MITZVAH

>> ALL THAT MATTERS, RIGHT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> LET ME SAY THIS.

I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING JAMESDID, I THINK, YOU KNOW --.

>> EVERYTHING HE DID? HE'S DONEA LOT OF BAD (BLEEP)

>> THAT IS NOT (BLEEP).

>> OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THIS SITUATION, I HAVE A SONAND IT IS COMPETITION, MAN, YOU

DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT SEEM YOUDON'T HAVE TO BE GOOD TO GET

SOMETHING AND IF THEY GIVE OUTAWARDS, GIVE OUT SPECIFIC

AWARDS, YOU ARE THE BEST BENCHPERSON.

YOU SIT ON THE BENCH THE BEST.

I MEAN, JUST TO GIVE IT OUT, IDON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

>> BUT TAKING THEM AWAY, I MEAN,COME ON, DON'T TAKE IT AWAY.

I MEAN, MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'TGET IT BUT THAT IS KIND OF A

(BLEEP)ED UP THING, TAKING THEKID'S TROPHY.

>> IT IS KIND OF MESSED UP, HEIS TRYING TO TAKE THEM A LESSON.

>> Larry: THE LESSON IS DADDYHATES YOU.

>> YEAH.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A MAN WHOWAS ARRESTED FOR ASSAULTING HIS

GIRLFRIEND, IF HE WANTS TO TEACHHIS TWO BOYS A GOOD LESSON

HE WOULD TEACH THEM NOT TO HITWOMEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>

>> A GOOD LESSON.

>>>> I THINK, I THINK HE'S JEALOUS

OF HIS KIDS, THAT HE DOESN'T GETA PARTICIPATION TROPHY FOR NOT

BEATING UP WOMEN EVERY DAY.

>> AT THE END OF THE DAY HEWANTS HIS OWN TROPHY.

>> I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GOINGTHERE.

>> YOU KNOW HOW BIG HE IS,RIGHT?

>> I'M THE MOST AT RISK>> WE GOT YOUR BACK

>> IS SELF-ESTEEM OVERRATED? WE'RE CONCERNED THAT CHILDREN

HAVE SELF-ESTEEM.

CHARLES MANSON HAD AN AMAZINGAMOUNT OF SELF-ESTEEM.

HE THOUGHT HE WAS JESUS.

>> WHY DO WE CARE SO MUCH ABOUTSELF-ESTEEM?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, I AM NOT THE MOSTSUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN, BUT I AM

DOING PRETTY GOOD AND I HATEMYSELF, SO -- I WONDER IF I HAD

A HIGH SELF-ESTEEM WOULD I BEDOING --

>> YOU WOULD BE OFF THE CHARTS.

>> WOULD I DO BETTER OR WOULD IBE IN MY LIVING ROOM?

>> IT IS IMPORTANT, FOR REAL,LIKE SELF-ESTEEM IS VERY

IMPORTANT.

>> I HAVE A LOT OF SELF-ESTEEM.

I DON'T LIKE DATING WOMENWITHOUT SELF-ESTEEM BECAUSE I

MEAN MOST OF THE TIME WHEN YOUBREAK UP WITH SOMEBODY THEY

DON'T HAVE SELF-ESTEEM THEYBLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

>> THAT IS SERIOUS.

>> YOU ARE, I AM DEAD SERIOUS,YOU ARE THE REASON THEY DIDN'T

DO EVERYTHING THEY WANTED TO DOIN LIFE AND IF YOU DID WHAT YOU

WANT IN LIFE -- I AM JUSTBASICALLY TELLING MY STORY.

>> IT IS VERY PERSONAL.

>> FOR REAL.

>> THIS IS TURNING INTO ATHERAPY SESSION ALL OF A SUDDEN.

>> THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUBRING UP THE S.E. WORD.

>> SELF-ESTEEM.

>> IN LITTLE LEAGUE GAMESSOMETIMES THEY DON'T KEEP SCORE.

I WANT TO GO UP AND SAY GIVE METHE (BLEEP) BAT.

>> WHY ARE YOU EVEN PLAYING THISGAME? WHY?

I WISH YOU WOULD'VE TAKEN THEBAT AWAY FROM ME, IT WOULD HAVE

SAVED ME A LOT OF GRIEF.

>> IT IS LIKE GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

>> I THINK THAT -- YEAH, I THINKTHAT -- WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I

THINK THAT KIDS, THEY DON'T NEEDTO WORRY ABOUT HAVING THEIR

SELF-ESTEEM CHALLENGED BECAUSETHEY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO

INTERACT WITH OTHER KIDS ANDKIDS ARE EVIL AT SOME POINT.

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> THEY ARE EVIL.

>> THAT'S A FACT.

>> DID YOU EVER GET ON -- DIDYOU EVER GET ON A SUBWAY CAR AT

3:00 O'CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON? YOU GET OFF WANTING TO

(BLEEP)ING KILL YOURSELF.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>> IT IS HORRIBLE.

>> MAYBE HE WAS RIGHT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD SNATCH ALL THELITTLE TROPHIES AWAY.

WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK.

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