Wednesday, December 9, 2015

  • 12/09/2015

Chris Fairbanks, April Richardson and Randy Liedtke guess what real-life women named Carol want for Christmas, list #RealisticResolutions and write cringeworthy erotic scenes.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> CHRIS: RIPPED FROM TODAY'S

INTERNET HEADLINES, IT'S "RAPIDREFRESH."

EVERY YEAR, "TIME" MAGAZINE ISFACED WITH THE DIFFICULT

CHALLENGE OF PICKING A PERSON OFTHE YEAR WHO'S IMPORTANT, BUT

NOT COMPLETELY BORING.

IN 2006 THEY CAME UP WITH.

THE INNOVATIVE SOLUTION OFNAMING THE PERSON YOU--

BECAUSE WHO DOESN'T LOVE READINGABOUT THEMSELVES?

I SURE DO.

AND LAST YEAR, OF COURSE, WASEBOLA FIGHTERS BECAUSE

EBOLA FIGHTERS SOUNDS MOREBADASS THAN

"PASTY SKINNED EPIDEMIOLOGIST."

THIS YEAR'S SOLUTION WAS EVENBETTER: THEY NAMED IMPORTANT

PERSON ANGELA MERKEL THEPERSON OF THE YEAR, AND.

THEY ALSO RELEASED SOME VERYEXCITING

BEHIND-THE-SCENES FOOTAGE FROMLAST YEAR.

>> HOW IS DOES MY HAIR LOOK?

[LAUGHING]>> I LOVE IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]THAT OF COURSE IS LAST YEAR'S

RUNNER UP DISSING BAGPIPEPOWERED BY FARTS, DONALD TRUMP.

BASICALLY THAT'S AMERICA LIKENO [BEEP] YOU, DUDE.

GETTING BULLIED BY A BALD EAGLENAMED UNCLE SAM.

ONE OF MILLIONS OF ANGRY UNCLES.

AROUND THE COUNTRY WHO WANT TOBITE HIS HEAD OFF.

COMEDIANS, TELL ME WHAT WASGOING THROUGH THIS EAGLE'S.

HEAD DURING THE PHOTOSHOOT.

RANDY.

>> CHRIS, I LOVE EAGLES.

THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES.

GET THIS NEW YORKER OUT OF HERE.

[BEEP] THE GIANTS, RIGHT.

>> RIGHT.

THE EAGLES KILLED THE GIANTSLAST TIME.

Chris: ALRIGHT, YOU'RE MAKINGIT ABOUT FOOTBALL.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS THEN.

APRIL.

>> I THINK THE EAGLE IS LIKE,FACE IT DUDE WE'RE BOTH BALD.

[LAUGHING]>> COME TO TERMS WITH IT.

Chris: POINTS.

>> IT'S A FACT.

Chris: CHRIS.

>> I MAY BE THE SYMBOL OFAMERICA.

IF THIS GUY WINS I'M MOVING TOCANADA.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ALRIGHT.

>> CHRIS: THE PRESIDENT OFCROATIA FINALLY RECOGNIZED ALL

THE COURAGEOUS WORK DONE BY THECROATIAN HELSINKI COMMITTEE.

FOR HUMAN RIGHTS LEADER, IVANZVONIMIR CICAK, DURING A

CEREMONY MARKED BY REVERENCE.

AND SOLEMN DIGNITY.

I'M JUST KIDDING HIS [BEEP]PANTS FELL DOWN.

LOOK AT THAT.

HIS ANKLES LIKE A GODDAMNGOOFBALL.

HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN TO A FULLGROWN MAN.

THAT'S A GENUINE ABE SIMPSONMOMENT. WHAT THE (BEEP)?

FORTUNATELY THE CROATIANPRESIDENT HAD A CHEESECAKE

FACTORY MENU ON HAND TO COVER UPHIS LONG OLD BALLS DURING

THIS PRESIDENTIAL BRIEF ONBOXERS.

SINCE THIS INCIDENTYESTERDAY, THE U.N.

HAS ALREADY SENT DOZENS OF BELTSTO THE

REGION AND ADAM SANDLER HASOPTIONED THE AWARD FOR FOUR

NEW MOVIES.

PRESENTATION CEREMONY WASSUCH A HUGE SUCCESS, WHAT'S

ANOTHER AWARD IVAN ZVONIMIRCICAK DESERVES?

>> AMNESTYINTERNATIONAL'S RECOGNITION FOR

HIS TIRE LESS WORK WITH DEEZNUTS

WITHOUT BOARDERS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> Chris: CHRIS.

>> DIPLOMATIC IMNUDITY.

Chris: WELL DONE.

IT'S TIME FOR HASHTAG WARS.

>> A RECENT STUDY SHOWS 8% OFPEOPLE ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH

WITH THEIR NEW YEAR'SRESOLUTION.

THAT MEANS YOU'RE LIKELY TO BEBANGING A COKE DEALER IN A SIX

FLAG BATHROOM BY MARCH.

LET'S MAKE 2016 EASIER WITHTONIGHT'S HASHTAG

REALISTIC RESOLUTIONS.

EXAMPLES MAYBE WORK OUT LESS,EAT MORE.

DON'T SAY [BEEP] UNLESS I'M MADOR WANT TO.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 [BEEP]SECONDS -- DAMN.

>> LOSE ENOUGH WEIGHT TO FITINTO MY SLEEPING BAG.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CHRIS FAREBANKS.

>> STOP SMOKING START INJECTING.

Chris: RANDY.

>> BUY SILVERWARE.

Chris: CHRIS.

>> UPDATE MY MYSPACE TOP 8.

Chris: CAN I BE IN IT,PLEASE.

RANDY .

>> WASH MY BEARD BEFORE BED ONWING NIGHT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

APRIL.

>> STAY ON GOOD ENOUGH TERMSWITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND TO USE HIS

NETFLIX PASSWORD.

>> Chris: I KNOW FOR A FACTTHAT'S TRUE.

>> VERY TRUE.

Chris: RANDY.

>> SEX IS FOR [BEEP] FOR NOT FORFARTING.

Chris: POINTS.

WHY NOT BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY?

>> DON'T LIMIT YOURSELF.

Chris: APRIL.

>> STOP SAYING DUDE EVERY OTHERWORD AND ONLY SAY IT EVERY THIRD

WORD.

>> Chris: POINTS.

CHRIS FAIRBANKS.

>> STOP CRYING WATCHING THEGILLMORE GIRLS AND START

MASTURBATING.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY "BAD SANTA."

"BAD SANTA."

THE REAL SANTA CLAUS IS THEMAGICAL PATRIARCH OF CHRISTMAS

WHO LIVES IN THE NORTH POLE ANDMAKES DREAMS COME TRUE.

BUT MOST PEOPLE WILL GO THEIRWHOLE LIVES WITHOUT EVER SEEING.

HIM.

THE SANTAS YOU'RE FAR MORELIKELY TO ENCOUNTER ARE

OVERWEIGHT VAGRANTS WHOSEPISS-STAINED LAP YOU ONLY LET

YOUR KIDS SIT ON ONE MONTH AYEAR.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M ABOUT TO SHOWYOU SOME FOOTAGE WE FOUND OF BAD

SANTAS, AND FOR 250 POINTS IWANT YOU GUYS TO ANSWERS SOME

QUESTIONS THAT THESE VIDEOSRAISE.

VERY IMPORTANT SOCIOLOGICALEXPERIENCE.

FIRST UP, THIS CLUMSY CLAUS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: SO THE QUESTION IS

WHAT DOES HE WANT FOR CHRISTMAS,RANDY.

>> RECTAL RECONSTRUCTIONSURGERY.

>> TO BE FAIR THAT'S WHAT HEWANTED BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.

>> Chris: THIS MAKES IT MORE OFA PRIORITY.

CHRIS.

>> PLACE TO HIDE HIS WHISKEYTHAT ISN'T AN ICY RAIN GUTTER.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT UP.

THIS SANTA DOESN'T KNOW WHEN TOSHUT HIS [BEEP] MOUTH.

>> WHEN I WAS SIX YEARS OLD, IFYOU'RE THE REAL SANTA WHAT DID I

ASK FOR?

A BARBIE DOLL AND TIDDLYWINKS>> I GOT A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR

YOU MYSELF.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: NOT REALLY SURE WHO

THAT APPEALS TOO.

[LAUGHING]>> CHRIS: THE REAL SANTA LIVES

IN THE NORTH POLE, WHERE DOESTHIS SANTA LIVE?

>> I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS,FLORIDA.

RIGHT.

>> I GUESS --Chris: RANDY.

>> AT THE RITZ CARLTON IN THENUTCRACKER SUITE.

COME ON.

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

THINK ABOUT IT, RANDY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU.

>> DEFINITELY DESERVES A LITTLEEXTRA --

>> I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE ALLOWEDTO TAKE VICTORY LAPS.

I DID NOT.

>> I WAS TOLD TO STAND HERE.

Chris: I MEAN AFTER A COMEDYTOUCHDOWN LIKE THAT IT'S OKAY.

>> FAIR ENOUGH.

>> AFTER THIS I'M GOING TO DOTHE WORM.

>> Chris: OH MY GOSH.

YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THE WORM?

>> OH, BOTH DIRECTIONS.

Chris: CHRIS FAIRBANKS I WILLGIVE YOU TWO HUNDRED POINTS IF

DO YOU THE WORM.

>> GET DOWN.

DO IT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> OH MY GOD.

YES!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> YES.

YES.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> GO, GO, GO.

>> RANDY IF IT'S ANYCONSOLATION I THINK I BLEW OUT

BOTH KNEES.

>> CHRIS: NEXT UP, IT'S OL'SAINT DICK.

(YELLING AND LAUGHING)>> Chris: I REALLY HOPE THAT'S

NOT THAT GUY'S FAMILY.

WHAT DID YOU SEE SANTA DO TOMOMMY UNDER THE MISTLETOE LAST

NIGHT.

RANDY.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOWTHIS.

SANTA DOESN'T GO DOWN THECHIMNEY HE COMES IN THE BACK

DOOR.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> YEP.

Chris: APRIL.

>> IT'S THE SANTA CLAUS TWO.

THAT'S WHEN YOUR MOM GETS DOUBLETEAMED BY SANTA AND TIM ALLEN.

>> UUUUGH!

>> UUUUGH!

>> A POPULAR MOVIE.

BEFORE THE BREAK I SHOWED YOU ASEX SCENE FROM MORRISSEY'S.

RECENT NOVEL THAT WON HIM THE"WORST SEX SCENE OF 2015"

I ASKED TO YOU WRITE A WORSEONE.

CHRIS, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> THIS BEAUTIFUL CHICK COMES INWITH LIKE THE COOLEST BOOBS.

THEN THIS DUDE COMES IN WITH AREALLY RAD DICK.

BEFORE THEY DO IT HE PUTS ON ASENSITIVITY REDUCING CONDOM THAT

SOFTENS HIS ERECTION ONLYSLIGHTLY SO THEY STILL PRETTY

MUCH ENJOY IT.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

RANDY.

>> PLOP MY BALLS ON MY PLOPPERIMMEDIATELY.

IT'S PRIMED AND READY FOR PLOPPING.

PLOP, PLOP, PLOP, OH GOD! PLOP!

>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

APRIL.

>> ELIZA MOISTLY FONDLED HERBUSSOM WHILE EZRA'S MANHOOD

GORGED HIS TROUSERS.

THEN SHE WHISPERED IN HIS EAR,PLEASE DON'T WRITE BOOKS LIKE

THIS.

PLEASE JUST WRITE SONGS, PLEASE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> CHRIS: IT'S TIME FOR

"CHRISTMAS CAROLS."

LAST WEEK WE PLAYED THE HASHTAGWAR DRUNK CAROLS.

SOME OF OUR VERY CLEVERFOLLOWERS TOOK IT LITERALLY

AND TWEETED BACK SOME ESPECIALLYPUNY CAROLS OF THEIR OWN.

NAMELY CAROL BURNETT, CAROLCHANNING, CAROL BRADY.

YOU GET IT? CAROLS.

WE LIKED THE IDEA SO MUCHWE DECIDED TO MAKE A GAME OUT OFIT.

EVERYONE WHO HAS A FAVORITECAROL.

I WILL SHOW YOU PICTURES OF REALLIFE WOMEN CAROL.

FOR 250 POINTSYOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME WHAT'S

ON THEIR CHRISTMAS LIST.

>> Chris: WHAT IS THIS CAROLWANT, RANDY .

>> VAGINAL MOISTURE.

NOT A LOT JUST A LITTLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT CAROL.

>> FOR THAT LADY TO DIED SO SHECAN FINALLY EAT HER FACE.

[LAUGHING]>> THE CAT --

Chris: CAROL THE CAT.

>> WORKS FOR BOTH OF THEM.

Chris: NEXT ONE.

♪ I DON'T CARE>> Chris: CHRIS.

>> A BOWL OF MENTHOL CIGARETTESSHE CAN EAT LIKE CEREAL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Chris: NEXT ONE.

>> YES, APRIL.

>> FINALLY GETTING TENURE ATYALE'S QUANTUM PHYSICS

DEPARTMENT.

CLEARLY SHE HAS STUDIED A LONGTIME.

>> Chris: LAST ONE RANDY.

>> SOME SHORTS SHE CAN [BEEP]THROUGH.

>> Chris: ALL OF THEM.

THOSE ARE SHORTS.