Extended - Thursday, November 13, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 11/13/2014

Deputy Wiegel, Deputy Junior and Lieutenant Dangle of RENO 911! name #FailedCharities, analyze mug shots and list unusual police codes in this extended, uncensored episode.

RIPPED FOR TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)TODAY'S THE TWENTY-FIFTH

ANNIVERSARY OF THE CLASSICDISNEY ANIMATED FILM THE LITTLE

MERMAID, WHICH...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> UM, EVERYBODY WHO JUST

FREAKED THE FUCK OUT IS GONNAGET DRUG-TESTED IN A SECOND.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, WHY

DIDN'T...?

>> THEY WAS HIGH AS KITES.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, THERE'S NONEW SURPRISE ABOUT THE MOVIE.

IT'S-IT'S BEEN OUT A LONG TIME.

BUT FOR THOSE OF YOU...

>> SPOILER ALERT-- IT'S BEEN OUTFOR A QUARTER CENTURY.

>> HARDWICK: A QUARTER OF ACENTURY.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH.

>> SHE'S NOT MAKING A SURPRISEWALK-ON.

>> HARDWICK: ARIEL'S...

(LAUGHTER)ARIEL'S A...

ARIEL'S A SEA HAG BY NOW.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)BUT IF YOU CAN'T... IF YOU DON'T

REMEMBER...

>> 45 AND MARRIED. EW!

>> AND I HATE TO TELL YOU, BUTAT THE END, IT TURNS OUT SHE'S A

MERMAID.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?! SPOILER!

WELL, JUST FOR PEOPLE WHO DIDN'TKNOW, OR AS YOU RECALL, LITTLE

MERMAID IS THE INSPIRING STORYOF A PARAPLEGIC GIRL WITH

CRABS...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)...WHO DISOBEYS HER ABUSIVE

FATHER BY FALLING IN LOVE WITH ACHISELED WHALER.

(LAUGHTER) IT'S A TRAGIC TALE.

UH, THE FILM HAS LAUNCHEDHUNDREDS OF ETSY MERMAID BRAS,

THOUSANDS OF MEMES, AND ONE VERYSPECIFIC FETISH.

UM...

THAT'S, UH, THAT'S ON, UH,THAT'S ON ETSY RIGHT THERE.

UH, NOW, SINCE, UH, SINCE 25 ISTHE PERFECT HIPSTER AGE, THE

INTERNET DECIDED TO CELEBRATETHIS MOMENTOUS OCCASION WITH THE

HIPSTER AERIAL MEME.

FOR EXAMPLE...

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)AND...

(LAUGHTER)DEPUTIES, PLEASE COME UP WITH

YOUR OWN HIPSTER ARIEL MEME.

TRUDY.

>> WELL, CHRIS, I DON'T KNOWWHAT THIS TERM "HIPSTER" IS.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, CHRIST.

OH, HERE IT COMES.

>> WHAT I DO KNOW IS THATLITTLE... SOMETHING ABOUT THAT

LITTLE SINGING, DANCING CRABBIE.

HE REALLY GETS ME.

>> HARDWICK: REALLY GETS YOU?

>> I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE LONGPINCHER FINGERS OR WHAT IT IS.

(LAUGHTER)HE DOES IT FOR ME.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GOOD.

WELL... I'M GONNA GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR NOT ANSWERING THE

CHALLENGE. UH...

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)(LAUGHTER)

TRAVIS?

>> HEY. I'VE BEEN COMBING MYHAIR WITH A FORK FOR YEARS.

THEY'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO DOTHAT IN PORTLAND.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

GOOD.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)JIM.

>> I'D LIKE TO POINT OUT TO THESTONERS THAT HAVE DVR'D THIS

SHOW...

(LAUGHTER)...IF YOU ROLL BACK, THE JOKE

WAS HIDDEN THAT THAT BRASSIERESHIPS FROM TORONTO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: IT DOES, YEAH.

>> WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND THATFOR A MINUTE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, NO, I AM.

LISTEN, YOU KNOW, WE'VE NEVERHAD POLICE OFFICERS ON THE SHOW

BEFORE-- THAT WAS VERY GOODDETECTIVE WORK.

>> NO, GOD IS IN THE DETAILS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT IS.

DID YOU WANT TO... DID YOU WANTTO ANSWER, OR DO YOU WANT TO...

>> I HAVE SEVERAL ANSWERS.

>> HARDWICK: ...POINT OUT THESHIPPING ORIGIN?

>> I HAVE SEVERAL ANSWERS,'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE YOU'LL CUT

ONE THAT'S... TO USE THE BETTERONE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHTER)THE CAMERA'S JUST, LIKE,

ANYWHERE OUT THERE, YEAH.

>> DO I LOOK AT THE ONE THAT'SFLYING OR THE ONE OVER HERE?

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT FLYING,REALLY, IT'S JUST ON A... IT'S

ON A DEVICE.

>> THAT ONE?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THAT'S A GOODONE.

>> UH, YOU HAD CAMERAS FOLLOWINGYOU FOR SEVEN YEARS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT'S, LIKE...

(LAUGHTER)>> CHRIS, MY FIRST JOKE ANSWER

IS...

(LAUGHTER)I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE LEGS TO PUT

THEM IN SKINNY JEANS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. OKAY.

PERFECT. POINTS.

(WHOOPING)DID, UH...

DO YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT ONE, ORDO YOU WANT TO TRY A SECOND

JOKE?

>> I WILL... I WILL TRY FORWHATEVER...

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING BEHINDTHERE THAT I CAN PLAY FOR?

(LAUGHTER, GROANS)>> HARDWICK: NO.

(LAUGHTER)>> THAT'S NOT WHAT JENNY

MCCARTHY SAYS.

(LAUGHTER, SHOUTING)>> CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: YES?

>> SECOND JOKE ANSWER, NOT QUITEAS GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> TALKING WITH MY THERAPISTABOUT HOW MY DAD NEVER WORE A

SHIRT BUT CARRIED A TRIDENT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

I'M SORRY, JIM, NO POINTS ON THESECOND ANSWER.

(AUDIENCE AW'ING)>> THAT'S FAIR.

>> HARDWICK: IT WASN'T AS GOOD.

>> THAT'S FAIR.

THAT'S FAIR.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, NO, I'M TOUGHBUT FAIR.

>> YOU'RE A FAIR MAN.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE THESE KINDS OFCALLS ALL DAY LONG. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, MOVING ON.

THE LAST EBOLA PATIENT IN THEU.S. WAS CURED THIS WEEK, I'M

ASSUMING WITH A REGIMEN OFPOSITIVE-THINKING PILATES AND

COLD-PRESSED KALE JUICE.

(LAUGHTER)BUT THE SCARE DID PRODUCE A FEW

INTERNET CELEBRITIES, INCLUDINGREVEREND DAVID MANNING, A

YOUTUBE PASTOR, WHO THEORIZEDTHAT EBOLA WAS BEING SPREAD BY

STARBUCKS.

(LAUGHTER)WELL, THE PASTOR HAS TAKEN

ANOTHER, LET'S CALL IT A SHOT,AT THE COFFEE GIANT ON HIS

YOUTUBE CHANNEL, ALLEGING THATHE KNOWS THE SECRET INGREDIENT

IN THEIR FAMOUS BEVERAGES.

WHAT DOES HE SAY THE SECRETINGREDIENT IS? A...

(LAUGHTER, GROANING)TRAVIS.

>> THIS LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OFGUY THAT THINKS ABOUT SEMEN A

LOT, SO I'M...

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)...I'M GONNA SAY C.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. YOU THINK SO?

>> LET'S NOT TURN THIS INTO AWITCH HUNT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WHOA, YOU SEEM VERY

DEFENSIVE.

>> I'M JUST SAYING.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT SUDDENLYIT'S A WITCH HUNT.

>> HARDWICK: NO, IT'S NOT...

>> SUDDENLY IT'S A GODDAMN WITCHHUNT.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, LET'S FINDOUT. I DON'T KNOW...

>> NO, WAIT, I HAVE A QUESTION.

I'M SORRY, THIS IS A LITTLESTRANGE, BUT I HAVE A QUESTION.

SEMEN IS THE BOY JUICE, RIGHT?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> SEMEN IS THE BOY JUICE, ANDWHEN A BOY WANTS A GIRL VERY

MUCH, HE... HIS PENIS FILLS UPWITH BLOOD... IT FILLS UP WITH

BLOOD, AND IT GETS ENGORGED, ANDTHEN HE... (INDISTINCT)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)...AND THEN THEY'RE JUST SUPER

HAPPY IT WAS FILLED UP, ANDSOMETIMES IT MAKES A BABY.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)(HARDWICK CLEARS THROAT)

YOU OKAY?

(LAUGHTER)ALL RIGHT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS...

THE CORRECT ANSWER WAS, INFACT-- LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

>> STARBUCKS HAS BEEN...

UH... WHAT'S THE WORD I'MLOOKING FOR... ALLEGEDLY...

LEGALLY ACCUSED OF-- IS THEWORD, "LEGALLY"-- LEGALLY

ACCUSED...

OF USING MALE SEMEN IN THEIRLATTE.

IT FLAVORS UP THE COFFEE.

AND IT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'REHAVING A GOOD TIME DRINKING THAT

CUP OF LATTE.

>> HARDWICK: NOW, IF IT'S MAKINGME ENJOY MY LATTE MORE, THEN

JUST JACK IT IN, RIGHT, PUT ITRIGHT IN.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)PUT SOME RIGHT IN.

I LOVE STARBUCKS!

(LAUGHTER)GIVE ME A THREE-PUMP CHUMPKIN

SPICE LATTE.

(LAUGHTER)I HAVE A FRAPPUCCINO FOR EVE,

NOT STEVE!

(LAUGHTER)NOW, DEPUTIES, ASSUMING THAT HIS

ALLEGATIONS ARE TRUE-- ANDLIEUTENANT DANGLE SEEMS VERY

UPSET RIGHT NOW...

>> THIS IS ANOTHER GODDAMNWITCH HUNT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: NO, IT'S NOT.

THIS IS CLEARLY INSANE.

EVERYONE KNOWS THE SEMEN OFSODOMITES IS A SEASONAL ITEM.

IT GOES PUMPKIN SPICE, EGGNOGLATTES, THEN IN THE SPRING WE

GET THE SEMEN OF SODOMITES.

LIKE YOU TO GIVE US A TAGLINETO HELP SELL THE LATTE FLAVORED

WITH SODOMITE SEMEN.

DEPUTY WIEGEL. NOW THAT YOU...

>> YOU'RE OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY.

>> HOW ABOUT-- FINALLY... ACOFFEE FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FIND

ANYONE TO HAVE SEX WITH BUT WANTTO KNOW WHAT SEMEN TASTES LIKE.

(WHOOPING, LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MM-HMM. YEP.

JUST ABOUT TIME.

>> I'M NOT GONNA SAY I WON'T TRYIT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WELL, YOU SEEMED SO

UPSET A MINUTE AGO.

>> YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW MEVERY WELL.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, I'M SORRY.

DEPUTY TRAVIS.

>> JUST THINK, FOR THE PRICE OFJUST ONE CUP OF COFFEE A DAY,

YOU CAN HAVE A CUP OF COFFEESOMEONE JACKED OFF IN.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MM-HMM. POINTS TO TRAVIS.

JUST THINK.

JIM.

>> SODOMITE?

MORE LIKE DYNOMITE.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AND THAT, UNFORTUNATELY, BRINGSUS TO THE END OF RAPID REFRESH.

UH, IT'S TIME...

>> (IMITATING SIREN): WHOO,WHOO, WHOO, WHOO, WHOO...

>> HARDWICK: WHAT'S HAPPENING?

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: HEY!

>> PULL OVER!

>> HARDWICK: YOU WERE MAKING THESIREN NOISE!

HE WAS MAKING THE SIREN NOISE!

YOU GUYS!

>> WOW!

>> HARDWICK: YOU GUYS!

(WHOOPING CONTINUES)HANG ON! HANG ON!

HE WAS MAKING THE SIREN NOISE!

IT'S DEPUTY GARCIA, THE MOUTHSOUNDS GUY FROM RENO 911!

I LOVE IT!

I LOVE ALL YOUR MOUTH SOUNDS!

>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOLD ON, EVERYBODY.

I KNOW, IT'S LIKE THE DAMNMUPPETS HAVE COME TO LIFE,

BUT...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YOU DO THE BEST

MOUTH SOUNDS ON RENO 911.

>> YOU KNOW, OKAY, YEAH.

>> MOUTH SOUNDS!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: AREN'T THEY GOOD?

>> LOOK, FIRST OF ALL, F YOU,AMERICA'S CHRIS HARDWICK.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> THAT WAS POLICE ACADEMY.

>> HARDWICK: OH, NO, I DON'TTHINK SO.

>> ALL RIGHT? THERE WAS NO MOUTHSOUNDS GUY ON RENO...

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

>> HARDWICK: HE DID THE MOUTHSOUNDS!

>> WHOA, IN CHRIS NERDWICK'SDEFENSE...

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> I THINK YOU SOMETIMES DIDSOME MOUTH SOUNDS, RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH!

>> IT WASN'T MICHAEL WINSLOWQUALITY, BUT IT WAS A MOUTH

SOUND.

>> HARDWICK: OH, LIKE, UM...

OH, DO THE MACHINE GUN ONE.

>> COME ON, NOW.

(WHOOPING)>> DUB, DUB, DUB, DUB, DUB, DUB,

DUB, DUB.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, HE'S DOINGIT.

IT'S SO GOOD. IT'S SO GOOD.

>> OKAY, THE POINT WE'RE TRYINGTO MAKE IS HE WASN'T THE GUY

FROM POLICE ACADEMY AND WE SAIDPULL THIS GAME SHOW OVER... GAME

SHOW OVER, OKAY, SMART GUY?

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> WE'VE BEEN TAILING YOU FORTHE LAST EIGHT MINUTES AND YOU

HAVE BEEN HOSTING THIS SHOW LIKEA MANIAC.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, I DON'T...

THAT'S NOT...

FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE WAYOUTSIDE YOUR JURISDICTION, AND

I DON'T...

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S NOT ILLEGAL.

IT'S NOT... IT'S TOTALLY FINEFOR ME TO DO THAT.

>> REALLY? REALLY?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> YEAH? YEAH? WHAT?

>> OH, YEAH? HUH? WHAT? WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: WHY ARE YOU GETTINGCLOSE TO ME?

>> YEAH?

>> WHAT?

>> HARDWICK: YES. YES.

>> HUH?

>> 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, I DO SMELL ALITTLE OF THAT OG CALI KUSH.

>> HARDWICK: NO...

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)HE WAS LEANING IN.

>> NO, NO, MY PARTNER'S RIGHT.

YOU HOST THIS SHOW FOUR NIGHTS AWEEK, TALKING DEAD, PUKING DEAD,

STALKING DEAD...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

>> 17 OTHER SHOWS AND PODCASTS.

NOW YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, IF IPAT YOU DOWN RIGHT NOW, ASIDE

FROM SODOMITE SEMEN...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: WHICH IS NOT

ILLEGAL.

>> ...I WILL... OKAY.

>> OH, I GOT AN IMPRESSION.

I CAN DO...

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: GOOD.

HE'S SO GOOD.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)NOTHING ELSE.

>> MR. ENERGY, YOU MEAN TO TELLME YOU... I WON'T FIND A

MOUNTAIN OF COCAINE ON YOURPERSON?

>> HARDWICK: NO! I NEVER...

I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR YEARS.

I NEVER DID DRUGS.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINKTHERE'S A BIGGER PROBLEM HERE.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> GARCIA, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSEDTO BE DEAD?

DIDN'T YOU DIE IN SEASON FIVE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: HMM.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)>> (LAUGHING): WHAT...

YOU-YOU BELIEVE THAT?

WAIT, COME ON.

NO, HE'S... HE'S FINE.

HE JUST... HE JUST TRANSFERREDOVER TO CARSON CITY.

>> YEAH, AND-AND...

IN FAIRNESS, WE JUST,WE SAID HE WAS DEAD...

IN A GOOD-NATURED FUCK-WITH-YOU.

>> IT WAS A FUCK... YEAH.

>> I AM REVOKING YOUR INTERNETGAME SHOW HOST LICENSE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT. HEY! HEY!

GET... GET MICHAEL IAN BLACK...

>> HARDWICK: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WE DON'T HAVE TO GET CRAZY.

NO, I'M SURE THERE'S ANOTHER WAYWE CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS.

WE DON'T NEED TO GET MIKE BLACKIN HERE.

THERE'S GOT TO BE ANOTHER WAYWHERE WE...

>> WE CAN'T STOOP QUITE THATLOW.

(LAUGHTER)>> ALL RIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT CAN WE DO?

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> THERE'S ANOTHER WAY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

>> YOU CAN SHARE SOME OF THATOG CALI KUSH.

>> HARDWICK: SOUNDS LIKE ABRIBE.

>> GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, GUYS.

COME ON.

>> WHAT?

>> COME HERE.

(WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: DON'T SMELL IT.

>> I KNEW IT, DANGLE.

YOU'VE BEEN STUFFING THATCROTCH FOR YEAR.

I KNEW IT.

>> IN FAIRNESS...

I DON'T STASH IT IN MY CROTCH.

(LAUGHTER)>> YOU GUYS CAN ENJOY YOUR

GAME SHOW.

WE'RE GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE.

>> HARDWICK: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD.

>> NOW DANCE, DANCE, DANCE.

(APPLAUSE)>> JAMAICAN CRAB. JAMAICAN CRAB.

ALL RIGHT.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: THERE THEY GO.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)WELL NOW, IT'S TIME FOR

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG WARS.

(CHEERING)SATURDAY, I'M SURE YOU KNOW,

IS PHILANTHROPY DAY.

IT'S A GREAT TIME TO GIVE TO AWORTHY CHARITY, SO IN HONOR OF

THIS IMPORTANT DAY, LET'S COMEUP WITH SOME CHARITIES THAT

AREN'T WORTHY IN TONIGHT'S#FAILEDCHARITIES.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)EXAMPLES MIGHT BE THE AMERICAN

CELLULITE SOCIETY.

OR... THE NATIONAL ALLIANCE OFBACNE.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK STARTING NOW AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)DANGLE?

>> BOY TOYS FOR TOTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TRAVIS?

>> A PARTNERSHIP FOR A DRUG-FREECOACHELLA.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TRAVIS AGAIN.

>> DOCTORS WITHOUT CREDENTIALS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)GODDAMN IT. TRAVIS.

>> UH, BEND OVER AND MAKE A WISHFOUNDATION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YES, WIEGEL.

>> SAVE A KID, PUNCH A PUPPY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

DANGLE.

>> RACE FOR THE CURE ANDDEPECHE MODE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

WIEGEL.

>> INEXPENSIVE MAMMOGRAMS FROM ADUDE IN A VAN.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY HIT MEWITH YOUR MUG SHOT.

(CHEERING)THE PERFECT GAME FOR YOU GUYS.

I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE VERYGOOD AT IT.

THESMOKINGGUN.COM IS AN AMAZINGGALLERY OF MUG SHOTS FROM AROUND

THE COUNTRY.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU SOMEHIGHLIGHTS.

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOSPECULATE ON WHAT THE ALLEGED

CRIME THAT THESE ALLEGED PERPSALLEGEDLY COMMITTED...

(LAUGHTER)...TO GET THEM TAKEN DOWNTOWN

ALLEGEDLY...

>> BY THE WAY, LAWYERS WANT YOUTO SAY THAT.

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'SFIRE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, OKAY.

THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

>> IF IT GOT PAST A GRAND JURY,THEY FUCKING DID IT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

I... JUST TRYING TO RESPECT...

I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

>> THAT'S ALSO... THAT OR HAVINGAN ERECTION IS HOW YOU GET OUT

OF JURY DUTY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> JUST SAY THAT.

(APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, FIRST

ONE.

THIS CONTEMPLATIVE SOUL...

THIS CONTEMPLATIVE SOUL...

ALSO KNOWN AS LATINO DOUGBENSON.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)>> (WITH ACCENT): DOUG BENSON.

DOUG BENSON.

>> HARDWICK: ANYONE WANT TO BUZZIN AND...

YES, TRAVIS.

>> SNIFFED GLUE, SPILLED GLUE ONHANDS, FORGOT HE SPILLED GLUE ON

HANDS 'CAUSE HE WAS SNIFFINGGLUE, TRIED TO JACK OFF INTO HIS

OWN MOUTH.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT IT WAS.

THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT IT WAS.

SO HE WAS CAUGHT MID-ACT.

YEAH, HE WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACTJUST LIKE THAT..

YEAH, POINTS.

>> OH, CHRIS, IF WE HAD A NICKELFOR EVERY TIME THAT HAPPENED.

>> HARDWICK: REALLY?

>> 15 CENTS.

>> HARDWICK: SO IT'S HAPPENEDTHREE TIMES.

>> THREE TIMES.

>> THREE TIMES.

>> HARDWICK: HOW MANY TIMESWITHIN THE RENO SHERIFF'S

DEPARTMENT.

>> 15 CENTS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, YES, POINTS.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

>> A LOT... USUALLY GUYS LIKETHIS ARE FIRE STARTERS.

WATCH OUT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

UH, TRUDY.

>> UM, THIS GUY IS GUILTY OFPROMISING TO TAKE ME TO CHIPOTLE

ON A DATE AND THEN... DROPPINGME OFF ON THE CORNER WITH A

COUPON AND THEN SPEEDING AWAY.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

(AUDIENCE OOHING)WHY DID...

DIDN'T CHASE HIM DOWN?

>> I WENT HOME AND, UH, WORKEDIT OUT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

POINTS.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)DANGLE.

>> CHRIS...

WHEN SHE SAYS WORKED IT OUT,SHE MEANS SHE MASTURBATED

WITH HER...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I KNOW.

WE INFERRED THAT.

WE ALL SORT OF INFERRED THATTHAT WAS WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

>> OH, OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> 'CAUSE SHE HAS THIS THINGFROM RELAX THE BACK...

>> HARDWICK: YEP.

>> I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE SEENHER FACEBOOK PAGE.

>> HARDWICK: UH, OH...

DO YOU WANT TO THROW ONE IN?

>> NO.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

YOU...

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING, CHEERING)YOU ARE WORSE AT THIS SHOW THAN

TOM LENNON.

(LAUGHTER)>> BUT... BUT NOT QUITE AS GAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: A HUNDRED POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS POSSIBLE PIRATE.

THIS POSSIBLE PIRATE.

(BELL DINGS)DANGLE.

>> GUILTY OF IMPERSONATING THEMUPPET BABY'S NICK FURY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AMAZING.

UH, TRUDY.

>> GUILTY OF RUNNING WITHSCISSORS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

WILL GET YOU EVERY TIME.

TRAVIS.

>> HOOKED UP WITH THE SUPERGLUEGUY IN A CELL AND IT DIDN'T GO

GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS, YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

NEXT ONE.

THIS PROFESSOR OF CRIMINOLOGY.

(BELL DINGS)(AUDIENCE GROANS)

DANGLE.

>> THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION,CHRIS, BECAUSE...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT IS THE

ACTUAL HAMBURGLAR WITHOUT HISMASK.

(LAUGHTER, WHOOPING)YEAH, YEAH, IT SEEMED FUNNY

BEFORE. NO.

>> HARDWICK: NOT FUNNY. POINTS.

AND ROBBLE, ROBBLE.

UH...

TRUDY.

>> MANUFACTURING WOODEN BOYSWITHOUT A LICENSE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YEAH, YOU HAVE TO... YOU HAVE TOGET THAT... YOU HAVE TO COME

DOWN TO CITY HALL AND GET THAT,UH...

IS THE WOODEN BOY LICENSEPROCESS THAT ARDUOUS IN RENO?

>> OH...

>> IT'S SIX WEEKS.

>> IT'S WHO YOU KNOW.

>> IT'S WHO YOU KNOW.

IT COULD TAKE YEARS.

>> IT'S ACTUALLY ONLY ABOUT SIXWEEKS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. OH.

>> DEPENDS IF YOU'RE MAKING THEMIN METRIC OR NOT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, YEAH.

>> MARIONETTE IS SIX WEEKS.

GUN, FOUR MINUTES.

>> HARDWICK: FOUR MINUTES.

OKAY, GOOD.

UH, TRAVIS.

>> UH, STOLE THE LAST OF THELEMBAS BREAD FROM FRODO AND

BLAMED SAMWISE GAMGEE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

YEAH.

YEAH.

>> RIGHT IN THE...

IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT SENTENCE,I THOUGHT I WAS HAVING A STROKE.

'CAUSE WORDS JUST TURNED INTOJAZZ.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

NEXT ONE-- THIS LEATHERFACE.

NEXT ONE.

(BELL DINGS)IT LOOKS LIKE HIS EYES WERE

PHOTOSHOPPED ON.

UH, DANGLE.

>> GUILTY OF REFUSING TO PLAYTHE KIND OF MUSIC THAT CORPORATE

RADIO WANTS HIM TO PLAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, TRUDY.

>> I THINK HE'S GUILTY OFLOOKING LIKE A TAPEWORM THAT

JUST CRAWLED OUT OF SOMEBODY'SBUTTHOLE.

>> HARDWICK: IS THAT A CRIME?

>> THAT'S...

WHEN YOU GET FURTHER DOWN,THAT'S WHAT THE REST OF THE

SARLACC PIT LOOKS LIKE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S WHAT IT...

OH, SO YOU'RE A STAR WARS FANBUT NOT A LORD OF THE RINGS FAN.

ALL RIGHT.

TRAVIS.

>> COPYCAT CRIME OF GARY BUSEY'SWHOLE LIFE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE-- THISUNHAPPY IMP.

(BELL DINGS)TRAVIS.

>> TOTALLY KILLED THE VIBE ATTHE DRUM CIRCLE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

>> RUINED IT.

>> HARDWICK: DANGLE.

YOU SEEM, UH...

CONFUSED OR VERY TAKEN WITH HIM.

I'M NOT SURE.

>> THIS GUY'S... THIS GUY'S SORTOF DANGLE'S MORIARTY.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

>> YEAH, THIS GUY'S NAMED GLEN.

HE'S NOT AS AMAZING AS HE SEEMS.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

'CAUSE HE'S VERY STRIKING INTHIS PICTURE, JIM.

>> HE'S MOSTLY INTO FOODFUCKING.

WHICH...

WHICH, ON PAPER, SOUNDS LIKE THEPERFECT CRIME, YOU KNOW?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, SURE, YEAH.

>> BUT THEN MOSTLY YOU'RE JUSTAT A... DISGRUNTLED BUNCH OF

PEOPLE AT A SIZZLER AND, YOUKNOW...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS FOR HAVING A NEMESIS.

>> OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, IT'SOKAY.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, NO POINTS.

UH, WIEGEL.

>> HE'S ALSO GUILTY OFEMBEZZLING FOREHEADS.

>> HARDWICK: STACK 'EM, JUSTSTACK 'EM ONE RIGHT ON TOP OF

THE OTHER.

POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME, COPOR STRIPPER.

COP OR STRIPPER.

>> IS THIS THAT PART OF THE GAMEWHERE YOU MAKE ME TAKE MY TOP

OFF AND SHOW YOU MY BOOBS ON TV?

>> HARDWICK: UM...

WHAT?

WE'RE-WE'RE NOT GONNA REQUIRETHAT YOU DO THAT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

>> OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, YOU... CANIF YOU WANT TO.

>> NO, IT'S FINE.

>> HARDWICK: NO, I...

>> YOU KNOW WHAT, THEY'RE NOTWHAT THEY USED TO BE ON COMEDY

CENTRAL.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> COMEDY CENTRAL WAS A LONGTIME AGO.

>> HARDWICK: THE ONLY THINGWORSE THAN A COP BEING A DICK BY

THROWING HIS WEIGHT AROUND IS AFAKE COP THROWING HIS DICK

AROUND.

>> YEP.

YEP, THAT'S WHAT MY GRANDMA USEDTO SAY.

>> HARDWICK: OH.

I'M TALKING ABOUT STRIPPERS.

IT'S A SERIOUS CRIME TOIMPERSONATE A POLICE OFFICER,

BUT IT'S AN EVEN GREATER CRIMETO WHIP A GAGGLE OF CACKLING

BACHELORETTES INTO ADAQUIRI-SQUEALING FRENZY BY...

BY GRINDING YOUR BALLS IN THEIRFACES.

SO DEPUTIES, I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA STILL FROM A YOUTUBE VIDEO AND

FOR 250 POINTS YOU HAVE TO TELLME WHETHER IT'S AN ACTUAL COP OR

A STRIPPER.

A COP OR A STRIPPER.

FIRST ONE-- THIS RICHARD GRIECOIMPERSONATOR.

IS HE A COP OR A STRIPPER?

(BELL DINGS)TRUDY.

>> I HOPE HE'S A STRIPPER.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SFIND OUT TOGETHER.

YES.

(GERMAN ACCENT): WAIT, WAIT,WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,

EVERYONE, "STRIPPER KEVIN INSPUITEN EN SLIKKEN.

OH, IT'S SO GOOD."

>> YOU KNOW WHAT...

>> HARDWICK: IT'S SO SPUITEN ENSLIKKEN.

>> HEY, CHRIS, YOU KNOW WHAT, I GOT TWO QUESTIONS.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

>> FIR... FIRST OF ALL...

>> HARDWICK: YES?

>> DOES THIS VIDEO UNEQUIVOCALLYPROVE HE'S NOT A POLICE OFFICER?

>> HARDWICK: WELL...

AT LEAST NOT IN THIS MO...

WELL, NO, I GUESS IT DOESN'T.

>> AND IS... IS THE OTHER ONE,LIKE, HIS NIGHTWING?

WHO IS THIS?

>> HARDWICK: IT'S A DEPUTY.

>> OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, HE'SDEPUTIZED, YEAH.

>> CHECK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE-- THIS FELLA IN AN

ILL-FITTING SHIRT: COP ORSTRIPPER?

(BELL DINGS)TRAVIS.

>> I HOPE IT'S A COP, 'CAUSE IWAS SPOONING WITH HIM ON A

STAKEOUT LAST WEEKEND.

>> HARDWICK: OH, OKAY, OH.

YES, HE'S A COP.

>> CHRIS, I HAVE A VERY SERIOUSQUESTION.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

WHAT'S THAT, JIM?

>> HOW... IS THERE MORE OF THISFOOTAGE WE COULD SEE?

>> HARDWICK: WELL, I THINK, YOUKNOW, LEGALLY, I THINK THIS IS

ALL WE CAN SHOW ON THETELEVISION.

>> OKAY, THAT'S ALL WE CAN SHOWRIGHT NOW?

>> HARDWICK: RIGHT NOW, YEAH.

>> BUT IF I WAS TO GO BACK INTHE VAN, I COULD PROBABLY...

>> HARDWICK: WELL, I MEAN, ASLONG AS THEY'RE NOT GIVING

VANMOGRAMS, YEAH, YOU COULDTOTALLY...

>> MM-HMM.

>> HARDWICK: TRAVIS.

>> AND I WOULD JUST GOOGLE...

I'M SORRY, I-I HATE TO BEAT ADEAD HORSE AND BELABOR THIS...

>> HARDWICK: SURE, YEAH.

>> BUT I WOULD, UH, IF-IF...

WHEN I'M BACK AT MY DELL...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> I WOULD TYPE IN EXACTLY WHATIT SAYS RIGHT THERE?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YOU WOULDTYPE IN "HANDSOME ASIAN

BODYBUILDER & POLICE OFFICER".

>> "AMPERSAND" POLICE OFFICER.

OKAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

YOU'RE NOT...

YOU'RE NOT GONNA WANT TO SPELLOUT "AMPERSAND", YOU'RE JUST

GONNA WANT TO USE THE AMPERSANDSYMBOL.

>> OKAY, THANK YOU, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, TRAVIS.

>> BUT PUT THAT WHOLE THING INTHE... IN THE THING ON THERE.

>> HARDWICK: JUST PUT THE WHOLETHING IN THE SEARCH.

>> YEAH, IN THE, UH, THEWINDOW...

>> JUST, JIM, YOU KNOW, JUST ASKJEEVES.

>> HARDWICK: I WOULD, HOWEVER,SUGGEST THAT YOU INITIATE, UH,

PRIVATE BROWSING, UM...

>> CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT THAT ISIN DETAIL?

>> HARDWICK: UH, N-NOT AT THISTIME, NO.

TRAVIS, YOU HAVE A QUESTION?

>> WE'RE ALLOWED TO ASKQUESTIONS?

>> HARDWICK: SURE, YOU SEEM TOBE.

YES.

WAS THAT YOUR QUESTION?

WAS YOUR QUESTION "ARE YOUALLOWED TO ASK QUESTIONS?"

>> I HAVE... I HAVE A FOLLOW-UPQUESTION.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, FOLLOW-UP,GREAT, SURE.

TRAVIS, YEAH, FOLLOW-UP.

>> WE DON'T HAVE THE COMEDYSTATION IN RENO.

IS THIS SH... IS THIS SHOWUSUALLY THIS FAST-PACED?

>> HARDWICK: UM, ACTUALLY, ITHINK WE'RE ABOUT AN HOUR AND

TEN MINUTES INTO THE SHOW ATTHIS POINT, YEAH.

UH, NEXT ONE-- THIS DOG TAGDUDE-- COP OR STRIPPER?

COP OR STRIPPER?

(BELL DINGS)WITH WEIRD CLAY HANDS.

>> WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED TO HISHANDS?

I-I WAS GONNA ASK WHAT WAS WRONGWITH HIS HANDS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

UH, WHAT'S YOUR... WHAT DO YOUTHINK-- COP OR STRIPPER?

>> UH, CLAYFACE IS NOT A GUESS,I CAN'T DO IT.

>> HARDWICK: NO, YOU CAN'TSAY... YOU CAN'T SAY CLAYFACE.

NO.

>> THAT'S A TRICK QUESTION.

HE'S MADE UP LIKE JAR JAR, YOUCAN TELL BY HIS HAND.

HE'S MADE UP; HE'S A JAR JAR.

>> HARDWICK: NO, HE'S NOT MADEUP, HE'S A...

>> HE'S A JAR JAR.

>> HARDWICK: HE'S A REAL... HE'SA REAL GUY.

>> HE IS A LOT LIKE JAR JAR.

>> STRAIGHT UP... HE'S ASTRAIGHT-UP JAR JAR.

>> HARDWICK: ANYONE SHOULD JUSTSAY COP OR STRIPPER.

>> I THINK WE SHOULD ADD A THIRDCATEGORY-- A JAR JAR.

>> STRAIGHT-UP JAR JAR.

>> HARDWICK: A JAR JAR'S NOT ATHIRD CATEGORY-- HE'S DEFINITELY

NOT A GUNGAN.

>> JAR JAR.

>> IT'S A DIGITAL MONSTER.

>> HARDWICK: YOU CAN'T GUESS JARJAR.

>> JAR JAR.

>> HARDWICK: THIS IS A MAN ONTHIS PLANET.

>> IT'S A JAR JAR.

>> IT'S A JAR JAR.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW WHYYOU'RE STUCK ON JAR JAR.

>> DIGITAL MONSTER...

>> HARDWICK: NO, I... ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

>> RUINING... RUINING THINGS IDREAMED ABOUT AS A BOY.

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW WHAT-- IDON'T GIVE A FUCK, HE'S A JAR

JAR, POINTS, GREAT.

>> CAN WE GO BACK?

THERE WAS A HANDSOME ASIANBODYBUILDER, AND...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT THAT INYOUR OWN BROWSER.

>> (MAN SPEAKING FILIPINO)>> HARDWICK: UH, JIM, JIM, JIM,

JIM, JIM, JIM.

>> CHRIS?

>> HARDWICK: JIM, YES?

>> IS THERE A REASON HE WON'TTRADE HIS JOB FOR SHOWBIZ?

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T...

>> AND HE'S OBVIOUSLY NOT A COP,'CAUSE HE'S NOT... DOESN'T SPEAK

ENGLISH.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S A...

NO, TRUDY, IT'S NOT...

>> I'M ON TO YOU.

I'M ON TO YOU.

>> HARDWICK: DEPUTY, HE'SJUST...

>> NOW I'M STARTING TO GET IT--LAST ONE WAS A JAR JAR, THIS ONE

IS A... I GET IT.

>> HARDWICK: NO, A JAR JAR...

OKAY, A JAR JAR IS...

NO, WAIT, OKAY, HANG ON.

EH, UH, HE'S JUST A COP INANOTHER COUNTRY, IT'S A COUNTRY

IN THE PHILIPPINES.

>> SURE, SURE, OTHER COUNTRIESHAVE "COPS."

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, OKAY.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT, THEY HAVE JARJARS.

NEXT ONE-- THIS ARRESTINGOFFICER-- COP OR STRIPPER?

CREEPING UP ON THE BUZZER, IT'SDANGLE.

(BELL DINGS)>> I'M GOING WITH ACTUAL COP.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> AAH!

(WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: THIS WAS, UM...

OKAY, I SEE A LOT OF HANDS GOINGUP THIS TIME.

JUST IN CASE...

BEFORE YOU ASK YOUR QUESTIONS,YES, THIS WAS SHORTLY BEFORE HE

ACCIDENTALLY ELECTROCUTED HER INTHE LIGHT FIXTURE UP TOP.

TRAVIS.

>> THAT WAS MY QUESTION.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GOOD.

UH, DANGLE, DID YOU...

>> MY QUESTION WAS ABOUT...

D-DON'T DO THIS WHEN YOU GOTTRACK LIGHTING.

YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: BAD IDEA, IT'S ABAD IDEA.

LAST ONE-- THIS DONUT LOVER--COP OR STRIPPER?

(BELL DINGS)YES, TRAVIS.

>> I HOPE IT'S A STRIPPER,BECAUSE THAT WOULD GIVE US ALL

HOPE.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK, UH...

I THINK HE MIGHT JUST BE A...

I DON'T KNOW, IT LOOKS LIKE ACOP, BUT LET'S FIND OUT.

OH!

>> MOVING ON, MOVING ON.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, NO.

>> LIKE, BY THE WAY, IF ISISSENT US THIS VIDEO, WE'D BE

LIKE, "STOP THEM!

STOP THEM NOW."

THIS IS... THIS SHIT'S JUSTHOMEGROWN.

>> HARDWICK: I WOULD...

>> THIS IS OURS.

>> HARDWICK: IF THIS WAS ASTRIP-O-GRAM WITH AN ACTUAL

GRANDMA, I WOULD PREFER THATOVER... OVER THIS.

>> I FEEL BAD FOR THE PLANT INTHE CORNER.

>> HARDWICK: THAT...

NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,LESSER KNOWN POLICE CODES.

LESSER KNOWN POLICE CODES.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)WE ALL KNOW POLICE CODES LIKE

187, 187, WHICH IS THE CODE FORMURDER.

BUT I WANT YOU GUYS TO DIG DEEPINTO YOUR HANDBOOKS AND GIVE ME

SOME LESSER KNOWN POLICE CODES,BEING THE EXPERTS THAT YOU ARE.

SO LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, WIEGEL.

>> 555-2847.

THAT'S MY PHONE NUMBER.

>> HARDWICK: OH, THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S NOT A POLICE CODE.

>> THE BEST TIME TO CALL ME ISON SUNDAYS AFTER CHURCH AND

BEFORE MY DECOUPAGE CLASS.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS. SURE.

(BELL DINGS)UH, DANGLE.

>> 420 IS POSSESSION OFMARIJUANA, WHERE WE ARE.

421 IS (BLEEP)ING A LAWN DEER.

>> HARDWICK: OH. WOW.

I DIDN'T...

THEY'RE VERY DIFFERENT.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO...

YOU GOT TO LEAN INTO THE CB REALCLOSE.

>> HARDWICK: RIGHT.

>> LEAN IN REAL CLOSE, 'CAUSESOMETIMES YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT

YOU'RE GONNA GET.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

OF COURSE.

(BELL DINGS)TRAVIS.

>> UH, DOUCHE BAG IN A MERCEDESWHO TELLS ME HIS TAXES PAY MY

SALARY WHO'S ABOUT TO GETTASERED IN THE FACE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS. YEAH.

(BELL DINGS)DANGLE.

>> THIS IS A... THIS IS A TRICKONE, BUT IT'S AN UMBRELLA CODE,

WHICH IS, WHEN WE ADD "J" TO IT,LIKE A 781-J, IT'S ALWAYS A JOB.

LIKE A HJ OR A BJ.

>> HARDWICK: OH, OKAY. OKAY.

>> OR A... OR A FJ.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

WAIT, SO YOU JUST... YOU JUSTCALL SEX AN FJ?

>> NO, IT'S A FOOT-FOOT JOB.

>> HARDWICK: OH, OKAY. OKAY.

(BELL DINGS)TRAVIS.

>> UH, DUDE WITH A FLIP CAMERAWHO'S ABOUT TO GET REAL GOOD

FOOTAGE OF ME TASERING HIM INTHE FACE.