Wednesday, January 29, 2014

  • 01/29/2014

Riki Lindhome, Jonah Ray and Kyle Dunnigan make chain restaurants sexy, give American names to Japanese inventions and create new Netflix categories.

(APPLAUSE)

THE SUPER BOWL IS SUNDAY.

IT'S THE BIGGEST ADVERTISING DAY

OF THE YEAR AND BECAUSE EVERYONE

KNOWS SEX SELLS, TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG IS #SEXYRESTAURANTS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE

"PANDA SEX-PRESS,"

"BAREBACK STEAK HOUSE..."

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(LAUGHING)

DON'T ASK FOR THE BLOOMING

ONION.

(CROWD GROANS)

(APPLAUSE)

NO, DON'T EVEN PATRONIZE ME!

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, GO!

KYLE DUNNIGAN.

>> BLUMPKIN DONUTS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THAT'S ONE OF MY

FAVORITE WORDS.

POINTS!

JONAH RAY.

>> JACK-IN-A-BOX.

>> Chris: POINTS!

RIKI LINDHOME?

>> CALIFORNIA (BLEEP) KITCHEN.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I LOVE THAT YOU SAID

IT LIKE TRACY FLICK FROM

ELECTION, YOU HAD THAT

DETERMINATION.

POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> FIVE GUYS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS!

RIKI LINDHOME.

CHIK-FELLATIO.

>> Chris: YES, OF COURSE!

JONAH RAY.

>> DUNKIN' DEEZ NUTS.

(LAUGHING)

>> Chris: YES, KYLE DUNNIGAN.

>> INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF TITS,

AND IT'S SHORT: I-HOT.

>> Chris: POINTS, YES!

RIKI?

>> BLACK ANUS STEAKHOUSE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS!

JONAH RAY.

>> BASKIN THROBBINS.

>> Chris: YES!

I NEVER WANT THIS TO END.

KYLE DUNNIGAN.

>> BENN-AGAIN AND AGAIN AND

AGAINS.

>> Chris: YES, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

WELL DONE!

THAT WAS THE END OF A PHENOMENAL

#HASHTAGWARS.

IT IS TIME TO PLAY

KONICHIWHAT?!?!?

(CHEERING)

JAPAN IT'S JUST LIKE AMERICA

BUT WITH WEIRDER SEXUAL FETISHES

AND TECHNOLOGY.

AND YOU CAN BUY UNDERPANTS

IN A VENDING MACHINE.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS A

CLIP FROM A YOUTUBE VIDEO OF

INSANE JAPANESE TECHNOLOGY AND

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO COME

UP WITH THE AMERICAN NAME FOR

THAT PRODUCT.

HERE WE GO.

THE FIRST ONE: I HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT THIS AMAZING THING IS.

>> OH...

(REACTS EXCITEDLY)

(DEVICE BEEPING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

>> I DON'T...

(LAUGHTER)

WHAT IS THE NAME FOR THIS?

RIKI LINDHOME.

>> PROM PRACTICE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE!

WHY IS SHE PRACTICING THAT?

>> TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

>> DON'T DEFINE SEXUALITY,

CHRIS.

>> Chris: I'M NOT DEFINING IT.

>> SHE'S GOING TO HAVE EMPATHY

FOR THE GUY.

>> Chris: OKAY, GOT IT.

JONAH, DID YOUR DATE PEG YOU

AT PROM?

>> THANK YOU FOR ASSUMING

I GOT TO GO TO PROM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: AW, LITTLE BUDDY!

NEXT, THIS TOTALLY NECESSARY

TOILET BIKE.

>> Chris: KYLE DUNNIGAN.

>> POOPER SCOOTER.

>> Chris: YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU

THAT, POINTS, SURE!

(APPLAUSE)

>> WASN'T THAT THE BIKE

THAT JACK NICHOLSON RODE

IN QUEASY RIDER?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: QUEASY RIDER IS THE

NAME OF THE THING I'M FEELING

NOW AFTER THAT PUN.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, JONAH,

I ADORE YOU AND I ADORE PUNS,

AND BECAUSE WE HAVE WORKED OUT

OUR DIFFERENCES ON THE NERDIST

PODCAST...

>> THINK IT THROUGH, HARDWICK,

THINK IT THROUGH!

BE FAIR!

>> YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

>> Chris: NO...

I...

BUH...

>> AH!

>> Chris: NO, I DIDN'T SAY IT!

>> SAY WHAT?

>> Chris: NO POINTS.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

SUCK IT, DOG SHIRT!

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY, NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

LOOK AT THIS BEER-POURING

ROBOTS.

THINK OF ALL THE TIME YOU'D ADD

TO YOUR BEER PROCESS.

JONAH RAY.

>> C-POINT-3PO.

>> Chris: I'LL TAKE IT.

POINTS, YEAH, I'LL TAKE THAT.

>> I WAS GOING TO SAY

RU-DRUNK-2.

>>> Chris: YES, BOTH STAR WARS,

POINTS FOR THAT, RIKI LINDHOME.

>> WHAT ABOUT WALL-AA?

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

EVERYONE GETS POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)

NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

(VIBRATING)

WHAT IS THAT?

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

JONAH.

>> THE UNCLE PILLOW.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

(APPLAUSE)

SH!

>> Chris: THE REST OF US DON'T

KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

>> THEY DO NOW!

>> Chris: POINTS TO JONAH.

"#WTF OR #DTF."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)NOTHING CAN CHANGE THE MEANING

OF A TWEET MORE THAN A HASHTAG,SO I'M GOING TO READ A TWEET

AND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOUTO TELL ME IF THE HASHTAG

WAS WTF-- WHAT THE (BLEEP)--OR DTF-- DOWN TO (BLEEP).

TO HELP ILLUSTRATE THEDIFFERENCES, LET'S LOOK AT LAST

NIGHT'S STATE OF THE UNIONADDRESS WHERE IT LOOKED LIKE

JOHN BOEHNER WAS THINKING "WTF,"BUT JOE BIDEN WAS HIS USUAL,

"DTF, YEAH!

IT'S YOU TONIGHT.

IT'S YOU."

(APPLAUSE) VICE PRESIDENT.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE FIRST ONE.

"DANCE FLOOR IS FULL OF CLOWNSAND CLOWN DILDOS."

JONAH RAY.>> DTF.

>>I HOPE IT IS.

BUT IT IS, YES. IN FACT DTF.ALRIGHT NEXT ONE.

"FELL OVER INTO AN OVEN."

RIKI LINDHOME.

>> WTF?

>> I HOPE SO.

NO! WHAT?

>> I WANT TO MEET THAT PERSON.

>> Chris: I DON'T WANT TO MEETTHAT PERSON.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU

AN ACTUAL OFFICIAL PETITION TO

THE WHITE HOUSE TO DEPORT JUSTIN

BIEBER, WHICH HAS RECEIVED THE

REQUIRED 100,000 SIGNATURES.

SO I ASKED YOU TO ISSUE A

STATEMENT RESPONDING TO THE

PETITION AS PRESIDENT OBAMA,

WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT WILL

ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN OUR CULTURE

AND NOT A BIT ON A COMEDY SHOW.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GUYS WROTE.

JONAH RAY.

>> (OBAMA IMPRESSION): WE

APOLOGIZE TO THE AMERICAN

PUBLIC, BUT DUE TO THE

SASHA-MALIA ACT OF 2014, WE

CAN'T DEPORT ANY CUTE POP STARS.

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THAT WAS A REALLY,

REALLY SPOT-ON OBAMA, MAN.

>> IT WAS A GAME-TIME DECISION

AND I REGRET IT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: KYLE DUNNIGAN.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH (BLEEP)

I HAVE GOING ON?

IT'S CALLED 'THE WORLD.'

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD DEPORT ME

TO CANADA."

(APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT,

RIKI LINDHOME.

>> "IF I DEPORTED BIEBER, THAT

WOULD LEAD TO A WAR WITH USHER

THAT THIS COUNTRY CANNOT AFFORD

RIGHT NOW."

>> Chris: NICE!

NOW IT'S TIME FOR

"NEW NETFLIX CATEGORIES."

WE NEED THEM.

(APPLAUSE)

I'M SURE YOU GUYS, AS YOU ARE

NETFLIXING, HAVE NOTICED THAT

THERE ARE BIZARRELY SPECIFIC

CATEGORIES, LIKE DARK CANADIAN

THRILLERS OR VISUALLY STRIKING

FATHER-SON MOVIES.

SO COMEDIANS, IN 60 SECONDS,

I WANT TO YOU BUZZ IN WITH AS

MANY NEW CATEGORIES AS YOU CAN.

FOR EACH ONE THAT MAKES US

LAUGH, 250 POINTS!

READY, SET, GO!

RIKI LINDHOME.

>> SUNDANCE MOVIES ABOUT AIDS.

>> Chris: THAT MIGHT ALREADY BE

ONE, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS.

JONAH RAY.

>> MOVIES THAT DON'T HOLD UP.

>> Chris: (BLEEP), THAT WOULD

BE AN AWESOME CATEGORY.

MOST OF THEM, POINTS.

RIKI?

>> KEIRA KNIGHTLEY SOBS

IN A CORSET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: THAT'S GOT TO BE

LIKE 14 RIGHT THERE.

POINTS!

KYLE DUNNIGAN.

>> SETH ROGAN MOVIES

NOT MADE BY JUDD APATOW.

>> Chris: POINTS!

JONAH RAY.

>> GANDHI CHICK FLICKS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

RIKI.

>> WHEN JEREMY PIVEN WAS STILL

BALD.

>> Chris: POINTS!

YEAH, LIKE ANYTHING BEFORE '98.

SINGLES!

KYLE DUNNIGAN?

>> PRE-LEGAL OLSON TWINS MOVIES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WAIT, WILL YOU PLEASE

SAY THAT AS CRAIG?

>> PRE-LEGAL OLSON TWINS MOVIES.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

JONAH RAY.

>> MUSIC DOCUMENT...

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

>> Chris: DO IT, DO IT!

>> MUSIC DOCUMENTARIES ABOUT

BANDS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF

THAT NEVER MADE IT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

RIKI?

>> MOVIES WHERE WHITE WOMEN

SOLVE RACIAL ISSUES.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

JONAH.

>> MOVIES NIC CAGE MADE

BECAUSE HE'S IN DEBT.

>> Chris: YES!

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