A Chick Who Can Hang

  • 04/15/2014

Amy gets in touch with her masculine side, has a meltdown while on the phone with the cable company and interviews a former phone sex operator.

It's a road made of iceand they truck on it.

Bullseye, that's the show,plain and simple.

You twinks ready to dosome shots, pussies?

Oh-ho-ho, that's so hot,I love girls like that.

Tequila,no training wheels.

Burger, rare as (bleep).

Oh, yeah, a chick who canreally hang with the guys.

Yeah. That is the best.

A chick who's like super-hot,

but then like, loves Xbox,down for pizza.

That tomboy thing,you know?

Like, man,I knew this girl, Joey.

That's a hot name right there.

That is a hot name.

Yeah, yeah, she wasoff the charts, hot.

She could like beat mein arm wrestling, you know?

That's likemy college girlfriend.

She was crazy hot.

She could recite all of"Boondock Saints" verbatim

while building a deck,she was ripped.

Murder him, God!

You know, I dateda chick like that.

She was like, model hot,

plus she knew everythingabout World War Two,

and she hada super strong jaw.

She had like a lantern jaw.Mmm.

Love that tomboy thing.

Hey, you know, she reminds meof my ex, you know, real solid.

I could climb her like a tree.

She made me feel so safe.

I miss her.

Oh, man, there's this chickat my office, right now.

I can talk to herabout Muay Thai.

Plus, she's got just likea little bit of stubble.

(all)Aah...

I need to hit that, man.

Yeah, you do.

That's the dream, right?

That's a fantasy,like in "Rambo."

The main chick in thatwith the headband, hot, right?

Yeah, no, man,

but there are real chickslike that.

Like, I knew this girl Samwhen I lived in Tampa.

She was just naturally not,like, rough hands, thick neck.

Forehead like a granite counter.

And she worked hanging drywallfor her dad's company,

Murphy and Son.

Yeah, she did.

Ooh, check it out.

(all)Ohh...

My boner just got a boner.

My buddy, Goldman,has this girlfriend, Glen.

She's like coverof "Maxim" hot.

She does all those fantasyfootball pics.

And she has likethis prominent dick.

I'm like, I want...

That's so (bleep) hot.That is so (bleep) hot.

To chicks who can hang.

To chicks who can hang.Yes.

Heading to the can.

Gotta make some room.

Ohh...

Wait, should we just(bleep) each other?

What cheer, m'ladies.

I return with libationsas promised.

Thanks, Liam.Hey, text me later.

I've been saving up some things

I've been meaningto tell you all day.

Is that your boyfriend?(bleep) you, no.

Liam's from HelloM'lady.com.

Is that a dating site?

No, it's an app for yoursmart phone

that helps you managethose clingy,

fragile guyswho think they're dating you.

Wait, are they stalkers?

God, no, stalkers have balls.

Hello m'lady's justmake you feel guilty.

They do that thing wherethey put you on a pedestal

and they dote on you,

even though you've neverexpressed any interest.

But why would I wannasign up for that?

Just think of itlike Turbo Tax.

No one wants to do taxes

but it is nice to have helpwith that inevitable chore.

Hmm.

Hello m'lady notifies you

of the whereaboutsof m'ladies in your area.

The app alerts you whenyou've been selected

by one of these human hobbits.

You'll receiveCliff Notes versions

of his thesis linked emails

listing the things he seesin you that no one else sees.

This sad-eyed weasel helpedmy boyfriend move into my place.

This doughy munchkin flat outgave me an iPhone.

He said he had a hook-up,

but I'm pretty surehe just paid for it.

(text alert sounding)

It's a text from Liam.

"I wish I kissed you just now."

(text alert sounding)

Oh, gross, I was just chosen.

I don't wannalead this guy on,

but I don't wanna hurthis feelings either.

Oh, you can't win.

But the app does send youa warning text

when he's aboutto angrily turn on you.

(text alert)

Warning, m'lady.

Can we talk outside, please?

I think you owe me that much.

It's fine, he's justgonna call me ungrateful

and then ask if he canhold my hand.

Oh.

It seems you've been abandonedand I just wanna say...

...hello, m'lady.

Oh.

Hello m'lady.

(bleep) it.

Hey.

Aged Angus Banger with cheese

and a crispy McDalmondchicken wrap.

Fries in the hole.Order on five.

Give me more Giggle Meals.

What the hell do you mean

they want apple slicesin the Giggle Meals?

Corporate wants to offera healthy option.

A healthy option?Yes, a healthy option.

Well, silly me, I thought westood for something around here.

No, beef dunk sales, down.

Giggle Meal sales, down.

Fries, Coke, Sprite...

Let me guess, down?

Look, I don't like itany more than you do.

But let's play bytheir rules this time

till we get the ball back.

Jasmine dropped a burger pattyunder the soft-serve machine.

Well, fish it outand reheat it.

What is this,half-past amateur hour?

Wrong side of the bedthis morning, JJ?

I sleep on a Futon.

I've been using the sameBrita for three years.

My roommate is a bassist.

You tell corporate I'm notputting apple slices on my menu.

What's next, no morechicken beaks in the Everything?

Now you wanna tell me whyyou been acting so strange?

This is my first day back,and I'm nervous around you.

You look good, JJ.

Look, I wrote to you.

The letters came back,where have you been?

I worked my way up to beinga GM of a Sbarro in Tel Aviv.

Then one day, I'm stuffingcouscous into a calzone

and I realizeda woman's life is worth nothing

unless she's makinga great man greater.

Let's getone thing straight--

No, let's gettwo things straight.

You and me make a good teamand you know it.

And if just for one secondyou could drop this whole

damaged goods routine,we could make this work.

Now I'm not asking thatyou (bleep) bang me

in the back ofmy Tercel like it's 1997.

I'm just asking for a chanceto make a difference.

That's three things.

That's what you saidin my Tercel.

Guys?

You better take a look at this.

We got a school bus out there.

It's the short kind.

I need Dora the Explorerfigurines ready yesterday.

Throw two in some of the bags,they'll think it's Christmas.

McCaskell,defrost the Aged Angus Bangers.

No, hold on McCaskell,you won't need to do that.

They're just gonna wantGiggle Meals and apple slices.

Don't tell me what they want.

There's a Dominican flagon that dashboard.

This is Angus Bangers

and family-size curliesall the way home.

I know this order,we do this my way,

you understand?

We lost picture.Well, pull it up.

Fix the Goddamn feed.

Here comes the order.

We're gonna have to fly blindon this one.

Ugh!

Jesus, JJ.

(man) Uh, gimme 18 Giggle Meals

or whatever's cheapest.

I've got $30.

Do you want friesor apple slices?

Whatever's fastest.

I'm sorry.

(beeps)

Yes, JJ, apple slices.

That's the post-9/11 worldwe live in now.

Unless you change the dialogue.

If anyone can do it,you can.

Or doesn't that JJwork here any more?

Good afternoon, sir,I'm the manager here.

One of the managers.

I'm afraid we're not gonna beable to give apple slices today.

Yeah, whatever, no one cares.

You know, there was a timein this country

when apples werefor feeding horses.

When McDalmond's was morethan just a parking lot

where people met to buy Ritalin.

People weren't obese.

They were just fat.

And if you wanted an apple,

you'd have to eat a pie.

That's why I'm not gonnagive you what you ordered.

No, today, I'm gonna give you3800 calories

of the greatest Goddamncountry in the world.

(static on intercom)

Pull ahead.

JJ?

Someone emptied their butin the women's bathroom.

Hand me my mop.

(JJ)Ugh, there is a lotof (bleep) in here.

Is the internetworking for you?

Mmm, let me see.

No.

Give me my phone, I'll call.

Uh, maybe it's betterif I call.

No, I know what you're thinking,but I'm not gonna freak out.

I'm in likea really good place.

You sure?

Oh my God, it's a phone call,like, relax.

You got this, girl.

(line tone ringing)

(woman) Please listen carefully

as our menu has changed.

For English, please press one.

English.

Are you currently a Time Warner Cable customer?

Yes.

Do you want help with your account?

Yes.

Did you say you want to add a land line?

Representative.

All of our representatives are busy.

Please hold for the next available representative.

(Muzak playing)

Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable.

This is Janardhan, may I have your account number, please?

Okay, it's 1-6-1-9--

Please hold while I look up the first half

of your account number.

Oh, yeah, that doesn'tmake any sense.

(beeping)Please don't leave me-- Hello?

(Muzak playing)

Aah, you're fine.

Come on, God.

(dial tone)

Hello, Janardhan, Janardhan!

No, (bleep) no (bleep) ass(bleep) my whole (bleep).

Janardhan!

F... (bleep)!

(wind howling)

English.

Representative.

Person! Human person!

(whimpering)

Thank you for calling Time Warner cable.

This is Janardhan, may I help--

1-6-1-9-6-3-4.

I need your account number, please.

Janardhan, just be realright now, man.

Be real!

Ma'am, let me transfer you to our transfer department.

What? Please hold for...

No-no-no-no-no!

No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no!

No, Janardhan!

Janardhan!

(bleeps).

I mean, I was gonna go backto school but like, for what?

Like, for what?

We're all going tothe same place, anyway.

We have our relationships.

Like that's all we havein this world.

That's who we are.

(beeping)

(Janardhan) We'll need the serial number

of the first modem you ever owned.

(bleep) you, Janardhan!

(bleep) you.

And what was the nickname

your mother gave you when you were seven?

I know you're probablylike a really good guy.

It's not your fault,you're probably like--

You have interestsand you probably have like

a family or like a cator something, but like--

(bleep) you.

(sobbing)

Like, why are you doing thisto us, Janardhan?

(crying)

♪ But I'm in so deep

♪ You know I'm sucha fool for you ♪

♪ You got me wrapped aroundyour finger ah ha ha ♪

♪ Do you haveto let it linger? ♪

♪ Do you have to,do you have to ♪

♪ Do you haveto let it linger? ♪

♪ Oh I thoughtthe world of you ♪

♪ I thought nothingcould go wrong ♪

♪ But I was wrong

♪ I was wrong if you

♪ If you could get by

♪ Trying not to lie

I love you, Janardhan.

I love you too, Mrs. Scuva.

(whispers)Do it.

♪ And I wouldn'tfeel so used ♪

(gunshot)

(beeping)

Oh, the router just neededto be restarted.

Cool.

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