Thursday, May 1, 2014

  • 05/01/2014

Nikki Glaser, Jim Gaffigan and Todd Glass pick new Toronto mayors, list #MonkeyFilms and caption pictures from the Awkward Family Photos art exhibit.

>> RIPPED FROM TODAY'SHEADLINES, "RAPID REFRESH."

>> TORONTO MAYOR FORD IS TAKE ALEAVE OF ABSENCE, AFTER THEY

TECHNICALLY FIRED HIM SEVERALMONTHS AGO.

THEY STRIPPED HIS POWERS SO ATTHIS POINT HE'S CANADA'S MASCOT.

THE VIDEO HAS NOT BEENAUTHENTICATED BUT SOMEONE POSTED

ON YOUTUBE PART OF THE VIDEOSHOWING SOMEONE WHO IS EITHER

ROB FORD OR BRIAN DENNEHYHOLDING A CRACK PIPE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> WAIT A MINUTE!

THAT'S ME!

>> OH, MY GOD! GAFFIGAN!

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A CRACK PIPEIN CANADA?

>> IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S FROM YOURBABY'S POINT OF VIEW.

>> YOU GET A BOTTLE, I GET ACRACK PIPE.

>> NOW THAT ROB FORD IS TAKINGSOME TIME OFF TO PURSUE CRACKIER

ENDEAVORS WHO OR WHAT WOULD BE ABETTER MAYOR THAN ROB FORD.

NIKKI GLASER?

>> MY UNCLE DOUG.

HE DIED IN '97.

>> BUT HE WOULD BE A WAY BETTERMAYOR.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> AND HE'S NOT CANADIAN AT ALL.

>> NO, VERY DEAD.

>> OKAY, GOOD.

JIM GAFFIGAN?

>> THIS IS A PRETTY SERIOUSTHING.

I MEAN, LITERALLY ANYONE COULDBE A BETTER MAYOR THAN THIS

CRACK HEAD, AND YOU KNOW WHOWOULD BE A GOOD MAYOR MY NEW CD

"OBSESSED" WHICH IS AVAILABLEON iTUNES.

>> OKAY.

>> I MEAN, I KNOW THAT SOUNDSLOOK A PLUG, BUT IT'S NOT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> ALL RIGHT, THERE'S A GROWINGCONTROVERSY OVER THIS WEB SITE

WHERE A 28-YEAR-OLD MED SCHOOLSTUDENT CALLING HERSELF

ELIZABETH RAIN IS AUCTIONING OFFSOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.

HERE IT IS.

WHAT IS SHE AUCTIONING OFF?

A, HER SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY,

B, HER VERGINNITY,

C, HER HAND IN MARRIAGE.

YES, NIKKI GLASER.

>> B.

>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS YES, B,IN FACT.

SHE'S AUCTIONING OFF HERVIRGINITY.

>> ISN'T SHE MARRIED TO FREDDIEPRINZ JR.?

>> APPARENTLY, THE BIDS ARE UPTO LIKE, $550,000.

>> THERE'S A LOT OF MONEY INSAUDI ARABIA.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I CAN SAY THAT.

I'M FROM SAUDI ARABIA.

( LAUGHTER )>> ALL RIGHT, BONUS POINTS,

WHAT WOULD YOU AUCTION OFF ABOUTYOURSELF?

JIM GAFFIGAN?

>> I WOULD PROBABLY AUCTION OFFTHE DEAD BODY OF THE VIRGIN I

BOUGHT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

AND I'D AUCTION OFF THE REDDRESS, TOO.

WHICH MIGHT BE A LITTLESTRETCHED OUT.

( APPLAUSE )>> I DON'T KNOW WHY, THE HOODIE

MAKES THAT CREEPIER FOR SOMEREASON.

>> I'M YOUTHFUL.

#HASHTAGWARS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE TOP

TRENDING VIDEOS ALL WEEK. STAROF THE "DR. DOOLITTLE" MOVIES

WILSON THE MONKEY VISITED THELOCAL MORNING SHOW "GREAT DAY

HOUSTON," AND THIS HAPPENED.

>> SEE WHO WANTED TO COHOST WITHME?

LOOK WHAT I GOT? IT'S A GRAPE.

>> TAKE THAT AND--( LAUGHTER )

>> OH!

CONTROVERSY IS GREAT FORCELEBRITIES.

LET'S COME UP WITH SOME IDEASFOR WILSON THE MONKEY'S MOVIE.

EXAMPLES THIS MIGHT BE WORLD WARCHIMPANZEE.

A CLOCKWORK ORANGUTAN.

THE JERK, OFF ON ZOO VISITORS.

I'M SORRY I LAUGHED AT THAT.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHE CLOCK AND GO.

>> OH, YES!

MONKEY HARD.

>> NO POINTS, TOOD.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> JANE GOODFEL AS.

GOOD ONE, POINTS.

>> APE LINCOLN.

>> POINTS.

>> MONKEY HARD, TOO-->> NO, I'M NOT CALLING ON YOU,

TODD. YOUR BUTTON HAS TO LIGHTUP. NIKKI GLASER.

>> CAPE SMEAR.

>> YES!

POINT.

GAFFIGAN.

>> CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OFTHROWN FECES.

>> YES.

( APPLAUSE )TODD.

>> MONKEY HARD 2, MONKEYHARDER.

>> IRONICALLY I'M GOING TO GIVEYOU POINTS FOR MONKEY HARD 2,

MORNINGY HARDER.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> THE HUNT FOR RED ASS-TOBEER.

>> POINTS. JIM GAFFIGAN.

>> AUTO FOCUS.

>> WHAT.

>> JUST WITH MONKIES.

AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS.

YOU KNOW AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS.

OF COURSE, YOU DO. YOU'VE BEENON THE INTERNET.

AN AMAZING LIBRARY OF PHOT THESEMISSED ARTIFICIAL JOY AND

CAPTURE PEOPLE'S INNERWEIRDNESS.

THEY'RE SUCH HIGH ART THEY'REAMIDST A FOUR-MONTH-LONG MUSEUM

EXHIBITION.

COMEDIANS I WANT TO SHOW YOUWHAT IS OFFICIALLY A PIECE OF

ART YOU AND BUZZ IN WITH ACAPTION.

LET'S LOOK AT THIS BRAVE PLATOONRIGHT OFF THE TOP.

YES!

>> TODD GLASS.

>> IN ALL SERIOUSNESS, JUST INCASE THEY WATCH THE SHOW, I WANT

TO BE NICE, SO MERRY CHRISTMASFROM THE DUMB ( BLEEP ).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> NEXT ONE.

THESE FOUR FACIAL HAIRAFICIONADOS.

>> COME ON, BOYS, PACK IN THEREREAL TIGHT.

>> BROKE BENCH MOUNTAIN.

>> POINTS!

EXCELLENT!

>> OH, MAN, WHY DO I ALWAYS GOTTO BE THE CABOOSE.

>> 5 GUYS BURGERS REGRETS TOANNOUNCE THE DEATH OF STEVE.

>> OH, NO!

THEY LOST THE FIFTH BROTHER.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE, THIS MOM JUST-- SHE'STRYING HER BEST, ALL RIGHT.

>> OH!

NOW I THINK IF YOU LOOK CLOSELYYOU WILL SEE SHE'S IS COLLAPSING

HER VAGINA AS IF TO SAY, NOMORE! NO MORE!

I AM DONE WITH IT! I AM DONEWITH THIS.

NIKKI.

>> THINGS ARE JUST FINE WITHOUTYOU, JIM.

( LAUGHTER )>> POINTS!

>> WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY!

WE'RE GOING TO BE JUST FINE!

>> EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT'SGREAT.

AND, ALSO, GUYS, THEY'RE INSPACE, TOO, THEY'RE IN SPACE.

>> THIS IS FROM MY LEASTFAVORITE EPISOAFD COSMOS.

I DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE.

>> NEXT ONE, THIS IS A FAIRLYNONTRADITIONAL FAMILY.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> IS THAT ONE MISSING AN EYE?

DON'T ( BLEEP ) WITH THAT GUY.

TODD.

>> AGAIN, I DON'T MEAN TO BE TOOSENSITIVE.

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO MAKE FUNOF THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO BE

NICE PEOPLE IF THEY ADOPT ABLACK PUPPET.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> NIKKI, DID YOU HAVE ONE.

>> FUN FACTS -- SHE'S HAD SEXWITH EVERYONE IN THAT PICTURE

EXCEPT ONE.

>> POINTS, POINS!

>> POOR PAMELA. POOR,POOR PAMELA.

>> THIS ONE'S GOING, "I HAVE THESOUL OF A REAL BOY."

>> ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE. ACOUPLE NUDISTS HERE.

LOOK AT THAT.

NIKKI.

>> SLOW NIGHT AT THE KEY PARTY.

BINGE WATCH, BINGE WATCH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )I BELIEVE IT WAS KEATS WHO SAID

WEIRDOS ON YOUTUBE BEFILMING THEMSELVES EATING SOME

NASTY-ASS FOOD CHALLENGES.

YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHICH BIZARREFOOD THEY'RE ABOUT TO BINGE ON.

JUST REMEMBER-- PLEASE DON'T TRYTHIS AT HOME.

ALTHOUGH EVERYONE OF YOU WHO DIDTHIS ON YOUTUBE DID THIS AT HOME

FIRST ONE, THIS INTENSE BRO ISHE GOING TO MOUTH TACKLE SPINY

CACTUS PLANT OR SIX POUNDS OFPUERTO RICAN TOOTHPASTE.

GAFFIGAN.>> AH, CACTUS PLANTS.

>> LET'S FIND OUT TOGETHER.

>> NO!

>> AND WE'RE THE WEIRDOES THATGO ON STAGE AND MAKE STRANGERS

LAUGH.

>> BY THE WAY, THIS IS WHAT IT'SLIKE FOR A WOMAN TO GIVE A

( BLEEP ) JOB TO A GUY. "WHY AMI DOING THIS?"

>> JUST THE FIRST TIME. THEN YOUGET USED TO IT.

>> THERE'S MORE AFTER THE FIRSTTIME?

THIS SEXY GAL.

AN OLD TOILET FILLED WITH BOSTONCLAM CHOWDER OR A BATH TUB

FILLED WITH MILK, FROOT LOOPSAND HER OWN JUICES?

NIKKI GLASER.

>> BECAUSE SHE DRESSED LIKEWHITNEY HOUSTON, I'M GOING TO GO

WITH BATH TUB.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> OH, MY LORD.

>> COMPLETELY OFFENSE AND I HAVEVERY WELL PLAYED NIKKI GLASER.

WHAT IS THE CORRECT ANSWER?

♪ AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU ♪>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

PETFINDER DEALBREAKERS.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GET ME ALINE FROM A PET FINDING LISTING

THAT WOULD MAKE ME THINK TWICEABOUT ADOPTING A PET.

GAFFIGAN.

>> FORMER OWNER OF THE CLIPPERS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> POINTS.

NIKKI GLASER.

>> GERBIL, SLIGHTLY USED.

( LAUGHTER )>> POINTS.

TODD.

>> 15-YEAR-OLD DOG.

HERE, YOU KILL IT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )TODD GLASS AGAIN.

>> HE'S NOT VERY OBEDIENT BUT HEHAS CONSTANT DIARRHEA.

POINTS

NIKKI.

>> BLACK LAB, LOST PEOPLE, GREATAT ORAL.

>> GREAT AT WHAT?

>> ORAL.

>> GREAT AT ORAL. YEAH, POINTS.

JIM GAFFIGAN.

>> BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE LAB WITHONLY THREE LEG-- WHOOPS, ONLY

TWO.

POINTS.

NIKKI.

>> PARROT WHO ONLY QUOTES THE"BIG BANG THEORY."

>> POINTS.

JIM GAFFIGAN.

>> OUR ADORABLE GERMAN SHEPARDHITLER NEEDS A HOME.

>> POINTS

TODD GLASS.

>> EITHER A PET TURTLE OR A BOWLOF SOUP.

I DON'T GIVE A ( BLEEP ).

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