CC Presents: Rich Vos

  • Season 7, Ep 28
  • 09/04/2003

GOODNIGHT.

HOW COOL DOES THIS LOOK, HUH?

IS THIS THE COOLEST?

HOW DO I LOOK?

LOOK GOOD?

HUH?

LADIES?

I JUST BOUGHT THIS JACKET AT

MARSHALL'S.

I DON'T CARE IF ONE SLEEVE'S

A LITTLE LONGER THAN THE OTHER.

[LAUGHTER]

I ACTUALLY WENT TO BUY THIS

JACKET AT THE VERSACE STORE.

I WENT INTO THE VERSACE STORE.

IT WAS $4,200.

I GO, "IT BETTER BE THE ONE

HE GOT SHOT IN.

[LAUGHTER]

4,200 I WANT BULLET HOLE, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT.

I'M SO GLAD WE'RE DOING THIS

IN NEW YORK.

I LOVE-- ISN'T NEW YORK THE

BEST?

I JUST THANK GOD--

I'M TELLING YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND LET ME-- HEY, LISTEN.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT FOR THE CHEAP

APPLAUSE.

IT'S JUST 'CAUSE GOES L.A.

STINKS.

NEW YORK IS THE BEST.

NEW YORK WILL MAKE YOU TOUGH.

NEW YORK WILL CHANGE YOU.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

YOU CAN GET THE SWEETEST GIRL

TO MOVE HERE FROM THE MIDWEST

SOME LITTLE 5'2" LITTLE BLOND

HAIRED GIRL.

DOESN'T DRINK, DO DRUGS.

AFTER LIVING HERE FOR TWO WEEKS

SHE'S A 6'7" BLACK TRANSVESTITE,

OKAY?

AND LET ME TELL YOU.

YOU NEVER SEE A HIGH SCHOOL

SHOOTING IN NEW YORK.

THAT CAN NEVER HAPPEN.

A KID WILL WALK INTO A CLASSROOM

HERE.

HE'S GOT A GUN.

YEAH, WELL, SO DO WE, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE

HIGH SCHOOL KIDS THEY'RE OUTTA

THEIR MINDS, TOO.

AND WHENEVER THEY SNAP THEY

ALWAYS SAY THEY HEAR VOICES

IN THEIR HEAD.

HOW COME THE VOICES NEVER

TELL 'EM TO DO ANYTHING GOOD.

"GO TO THE LIBRARY.

STOP DOING THAT INTO YOUR

SOCKS."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHERE ARE THE MIDDLE EASTERNS?

ANY MIDDLE EASTERNS HERE?

[SILENCE]

WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU GOTTA SEE THEM IN NEW YORK.

THEY ARE REALLY TRYING TO FIT IN

NOW.

HUH?

DYING THEIR HAIR BLOND AND

TAKING BATHS.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU'RE NOT AMERICAN.

"YES, I AM."

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

"[CLEARING THROAT] FRANK."

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST GOT BACK HERE.

I WAS IN HONG KONG.

ANYBODY BEEN THERE?

YEAH?

HONG KONG SUCKS, OKAY?

ONE, THERE IS A LOTTA CHINESE

PEOPLE THERE, ALL RIGHT?

AND YOU TALK ABOUT A CITY

THAT NEEDS A DENTAL PLAN.

[LAUGHTER]

I THOUGHT I HAD BIG TEETH.

I TRIED TO LURE A GIRL UP

TO MY HOTEL ROOM WITH CARROTS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

I WAS ALSO IN ENGLAND.

ANYBODY HERE FROM ENGLAND?

[CHEERING]

YEAH?

ENGLAND SUCKS!

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

ENGLAND SUCKS.

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR AIR SPACE

WE WOULDN'T TALK TO YOU, OKAY?

AND WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR

CLOCK.

[LAUGHTER]

ANY CANADIANS HERE?

YEAH?

CANADA SUCKS.

[APPLAUSE]

CANADA SAID IF WE ATTACK IRAQ

THEY'RE NOT GONNA BACK UP.

OH.

WHY DON'T WE GET NEBRASKA

TO ATTACK CANADA, ALL RIGHT?

CANADA'S NOT GONNA HELP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS IN AMSTERDAM.

I LIKED AMSTERDAM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I LIKED AMSTERDAM.

I SPENT $2,000 WINDOW SHOPPING.

[LAUGHTER]

I WENT TO A COUPLE MUSEUMS.

I WENT TO THE VAN GOGH MUSEUM.

TALK ABOUT A GUY THAT WAS INTO

A GIRL, HUH?

VINCENT VAN GOGH?

HIS GIRLFRIEND LEFT HIM AND

HE CUT OFF HIS EAR AND MAILED IT

TO HER.

WHAT AN IDIOT.

THINK HE WAS SITTING THERE

GOING, "WHAT DOES THIS BITCH

MEAN, I DON'T LISTEN?"

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME TELL YA.

IF I SENT A BODY PART TO EVERY

GIRL THAT DUMPED ME, I'D JUST

BE A FINGER, OKAY?

WE GOT SOME BROTHERS, TOO.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I KNOW THE STRUGGLE.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE GOT SOME SISTERS.

HOW YOU LADIES DOING?

CHECKING ME OUT, HUH?

I'M NOT LIKE THE BROTHERS.

I'LL (BLEEP) THE KOOCHIE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TELLING YOU.

BLACK GUYS DON'T (BLEEP) KOOCHIE

UNLESS IT'S FRIED, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

WHERE'S THE HOT SAUCE?

I WENT TO THE ANN FRANK HOUSE

WHEN I WAS IN AMSTERDAM.

THEY KINDA COMMERCIALIZED

THE ANN FRANK HOUSE.

'CAUSE YOU GO UP TO THE

FOURTH FLOOR, WHERE SHE HID FROM

THE NAZIS THEN YOU COME DOWN

ON A WATER SLIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU GRAB THE DIARY, YOU GET

TO GO TWICE.

[SUBDUED LAUGHTER]

LOOSEN UP, FOLKS.

I'M A JEW, OKAY?

[LAUGHTER]

STOP BEING A JEW, HUH?

WHERE ARE THE JEWS AT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, THE BIG--

YOU'RE A JEW?

I'M SORRY, MAN.

WHAT KINDA BUSINESS DO YOU OWN?

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Audience Member: I'M A STUDENT.

Rich Vos: OH, OKAY.

WELL, THIS IS GOING NOWHERE.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT DO YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU

GET OUT?

Audience Member: I WANNA WORK

IN POLITICS.

Rich Vos: IN POLITICS?

HOPEFULLY NOT COMMUNICATION,

YOU STUTTERIN' HUMP.

[LAUGHTER]

DUH.

IT IS.

IT'S TOUGH BEIN' A JEW, HUH?

THE BLACK MAN HOLDIN' US DOWN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

TELL 'EM IF MOSES WOULD'VE

WALKED TWO MORE MILES, WE'D HAVE

ALL THE OIL.

[LAUGHTER]

CATHOLICS, YOU GUYS HAVE SOME

WEIRD HOLIDAYS, MAN.

GOOD FRIDAY.

GOOD FRIDAY.

ISN'T THAT THE DAY JESUS DIED?

I DON'T THINK THAT WAS GOOD

FRIDAY FOR HIM.

I DON'T SEE HIM OUT THERE GOIN'

"WHOO, PARTY!"

THANK DAD IT'S FRIDAY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M COMIN' BACK SUNDAY AND WHEN

I GET BACK I WANT A LOT OF

CHOCOLATE BUNNIES.

Rich Vos: YOU GUYS ARE SMART

CROWD.

YOU'RE NEW YORK'S THE BEST

CROWD.

SMART.

I'M TELLIN' YOU.

PEOPLE ARE DUMB.

PEOPLE ARE DUMB NOT HERE BUT

IN GENERAL.

MY LAST NAME IS VOS, V-O-S

THREE LETTERS.

HOW HARD IS THAT TO SPELL?

V-O-S.

NO ONE CAN SPELL IT WITHOUT

SCREWIN' IT UP.

I WAS BOOKIN' A FLIGHT.

IT'S TRUE.

THE LADY SAID, "SPELL YOUR

NAME."

I SAID, V-O-S.

SHE SAID V-L-S?

YEAH, MY LAST NAME HAS

NO VOWELS.

MY FIRST NAME'S RICH, R-Z-K.

BUT DO THE WORLD A FAVOR

AND DRINK A BULLET STUPID.

[LAUGHTER]

PEOPLE ARE DUMB.

I'M PRETTY DUMB, TOO, THOUGH.

I ASKED MY 10-YEAR-OLD THE OTHER

DAY.

I SAID, "YOU WANT ME TO HELP ME

WITH YOUR HOMEWORK?"

SHE STARTED LAUGHIN'.

SAID, "DADDY, I COULD FAIL

ON MY OWN."

[LAUGHTER]

MY 10-YEAR-OLD HER TEACHER

IS HOT.

OH, I WANNA BANG HER TEACHER

BAD.

I DO.

I TELL MY DAUGHTER, "DO WHATEVER

YOU GOTTA DO TO GET ME IN THE

CLASSROOM.

CURSE, DISRUPT, EAT, RAISE YOUR

MIDDLE FINGER, ANYTHING."

"DADDY, MY TEACHER WANTS TO

SEE YA."

GOOD GOIN' TEAM PLAYER.

I'LL HANDLE IT FROM HERE.

I NEED TO MEET A GIRL NOW.

I'M SINGLE.

ANY SINGLE GIRLS HERE?

ONE IN THE BACK.

300 PEOPLE.

ONE-- YEAH.

JUST ME FINE.

THE ONE WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T MEET A GIRL ANYHOW

'CAUSE THEY USUALLY WERE LIKE

FOUR OTHER FRIENDS AND YOU KNOW

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE BLOCK AT THE

TABLE, RIGHT?

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE TO SCREW IT

UP FOR YOU.

"NO YOU CAN'T GO WITH HIM.

GET HIS NUMBER.

WE CAME TOGETHER.

WE LEAVE TOGETHER", RIGHT?

IT'S ALWAYS THE ONE WITH THE

HUMP ON THEIR BACK, RIGHT?

[LAUGHTER]

"YOU CAN'T LEAVE WITH HIM.

YOU SAID YOU'RE GONNA GO TO THE

TOWER AND RING THE BELL WITH ME

TONIGHT."

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO A

FRIEND.

BILL, WE CAME IN THE SAME CAR.

ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS GETTIN'

LAID.

I TELL HIM TO CALL ME AND LEAVE

THE PHONE OFF THE HOOK SO I

COULD LISTEN, OKAY?

AND DROP A BATCH ON MY STOMACH.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

I'M THE ONLY ONE?

[LAUGHTER]

GIRLS GOT TOO MANY EXCUSES.

I TRIED TO PICK UP A GIRL

THE OTHER NIGHT.

SHE SAID TO ME, "YOU DON'T HAVE

HONEST EYES."

"WHAT?

I JUST WANNA SLEEP WITH YA.

I DON'T WANNA BORROW $1,000."

THE BEST RELATIONSHIP I EVER HAD

I USED TO GO OUT WITH A HOMELESS

GIRL.

YEAH, IT WAS GREAT 'CAUSE AFTER

SEX I COULD JUST DROP HER OFF

ANYWHERE.

[LAUGHTER]

"WE'RE HOME.

I'LL CALL YA TOMORROW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE BY THE

PHONE BOOTH?"

[LAUGHTER]

MY IDOL WHEN IT COMES TO SEX

WAS THAT 14-YEAR-OLD KID IN

WASHINGTON STATE.

HE GOT HIS TEACHER PREGNANT

TWICE.

REMEMBER HIM?

I COULDN'T GET A TEACHER TO

HELP ME WITH MY SPELLING, OKAY?

YOU THINK HE HAD AN ATTITUDE IN

CLASS?

"TOMMY, YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK?"

"I'M (BLEEP) HER."

[LAUGHTER]

I FEEL SORRY FOR THAT LADY'S

EX-HUSBAND, HUH?

TALK ABOUT RUINING YOUR

SELF-ESTEEM?

HOW DO YOU HANDLE YOUR WIFE

LEADING YOU FOR A 14-YEAR-OLD?

YOU KNOW THEY'RE TRASHING HIM

AT WORK.

"HEY, MAN, I SAW YOUR WIFE OUT

ON A DATE.

SHE'S ON THE HANDLE BARS OF

THIS KID'S BICYCLE."

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

SURPRISED?

I'LL BE TALKIN' TO YOU LATER,

BUTTER CUP.

I TRIED TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.

I WENT TO COUNSELING.

SPENT $5,000 TO HAVE TWO WOMEN

CALL ME A LOSER.

[LAUGHTER]

MY EX-WIFE SAID FIVE YEARS OF ME

SHE'D TURN GAY.

OH, YEAH?

IT ONLY TOOK ME TWO YEARS.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT GAY.

CALM DOWN.

I WOULD GO GAY.

I JUST COULDN'T HANDLE A GUY

BREAKIN' MY HEART AND LEAVIN'

ME.

THAT WOULD SUCK.

"BRUCE, WHERE YOU GOIN'?"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU BETTER PUT THAT BACK.

THAT'S MY "HIS" TOWEL.

[LAUGHTER]

LET ME TELL YOU, AFTER

FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE IT IS

DEVASTATING TO HAVE THE PERSON

WITH THE GOOD CREDIT MOVE OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

MY BILLS ARE SO HIGH I DON'T

OWE ON ANYTHING.

MY BILLS ARE LIKE $3,000

A MONTH.

3,000 A MONTH, I DON'T OWN

ANYTHING.

THIRTY DAYS IN A MONTH,

THAT'S LIKE $100 A DAY.

THAT'S WHAT IT COSTS ME TO LIVE,

100 BUCKS--

I WAKEUP IN THE MORNING, I OPEN

MY EYES, I OWE $100.

[LAUGHTER]

I TRY TO WAKE UP WITH ONE EYE

OPEN LIKE THAT.

I STINK.

I GOT TWO DAUGHTERS THOUGH.

I LOVE 'EM TO DEATH.

I TATTOOED THEIR NAMES ON MY

ARM.

MY 10-YEAR-OLD.

YOU GOTTA SEE MY 10-YEAR-OLD.

SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL.

BOTH OF MY KIDS ARE BEAUTIFUL.

MY 10-YEAR-OLD HAS LIKE BLOND

HAIR, RIGHT?

THE PRETTIEST ANGEL FACE.

SHE'S THE MOST EVIL THING THAT

WALKS THIS PLANET.

SHE SHOULDA BEEN BORN IN A

CORNFIELD, I'M NOT LYIN'.

SHE ALMOST GOT ME BEAT UP

IN THE SUPERMARKET.

THIS GUY'S WALKIN' DOWN THE

AISLE.

THIS GUY HAD TO BE 500 POUNDS

OF MUSCLE.

HE WALKS BY US.

HE JUST LOOKS AT US AND MY

10-YEAR-OLD SAYS, "YOU GOT EYE

PROBLEMS?"

[LAUGHTER]

HE LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS, "WHAT?"

I GO, "HEY, I DIDN'T SAY IT.

SHE DID, OKAY?

YOU'RE GONNA WHIP SOME ASS I GOT

YOUR BACK."

[LAUGHTER]

MY 10-YEAR-OLD KNOWS HOW TO PUSH

MY BUTTONS, MAN.

"MOMMY'S NEW HUSBAND PUT MY BIKE

TOGETHER."

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

"[SIGH] HE PUT MY BIKE TOGETHER.

HE'S NOT LAZY LIKE YOU."

[LAUGHTER]."

MOMMY SAID HE HAS BIGGER FEET.

[LAUGHTER]

THE OTHER DAY WE'RE GETTIN' OUT

OF THE CAR, RIGHT?

MY OLDEST DAUGHTER DIDN'T HAVE

HER COAT ON.

I SAID, "JUST PUT YOUR COAT ON

BEFORE I TELL YOUR MOTHER."

MY 10-YEAR-OLD SAYS, "YOU'RE THE

FATHER, YOU DEAL WITH IT."

[LAUGHTER]

I GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR MOM."

SHE GOES, "NO I'M NOT 'CAUSE

I CAN STILL TOLERATE YOU."

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Rich Vos: NOW MY 12-YEAR-OLD

IS LIKE A THUG.

SHE HAS THE BAGGY PANTS AND THE

COATS YOU NEED AIR PUMPS WITH,

THE LANGUAGE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IF SHE PICKS

IT UP FROM TV.

THEY WERE SLEEPIN' AT MY HOUSE

LAST WEEK AND I WAKE UP AT FIVE

IN THE MORNING, MY 12-YEAR-OLD

IS FRYIN' EGGS.

I GO WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

SHE GOES, "YO, I (BLEEP) GOTTA

EAT."

[LAUGHTER]

I SAID, "SHANIQUA, GO TO YOUR

ROOM."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S LIKE "YO, DON'T FRONT ME,

B, I'LL BUST A CAP IN YOUR

CRACKER ASS.

[LAUGHTER]

"GET YOUR SISTER SHANAYNAY AND

GO TO BED.

AND TAKE THAT GOLD TOOTH OUTTA

YOUR MOUTH."

I'M ONLY KIDDIN'.

MY 12-YEAR-OLD'S NOT--

I GOT GOOD KIDS, MAN.

MY 12-YEAR-OLD'S GONNA PLAY

PRO-BASKETBALL.

SHE'S GOOD.

I GO TO ALL HER GAMES.

I GET SO EXCITED.

I WAS ALMOST KICKED OUT OF THE

GAME 'CAUSE I WAS IN THE STANDS

YELLIN' AT THE REF GOIN'

"YOU STINK."

I WAS SCREAMIN' AT THE TOP OF

MY LUNGS "YOU STINK!"

AFTER THE GAME THE COACH IS

LIKE, "YOU GOTTA CALM DOWN.

YOUR DAUGHTER'S HERE TO HAVE

A GOOD TIME."

LIKE WHAT?

WHAT?

WHAT GOOD TIME IS MY DAUGHTER

GONNA HAVE WHEN HER DADDY LOSES

$1,500.

[LAUGHTER]

I STINK.

LET ME TELL YA, FOLKS.

I AM A BAG OF DYSFUNCTION.

I REALLY AM.

GAMBLING.

SEX.

SPENDING MONEY.

ANYTHING.

OBSESSIVE, COMPULSIVE,

YOU NAME IT, I'VE GOT IT.

BUT ONE GOOD THING I KNOW I AM

IS I'M A GREAT FATHER.

I KNOW IT.

I KNOW I'M A GREAT DAD AND I

DON'T DO THAT FOR THE APPLAUSE.

AND I KNOW BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT

HAS MEANING IN MY LIFE.

AND IF YOUR A PARENT AND IF

YOU'RE NOT--

ALL KIDS NEED IS AFFECTION

AND ATTENTION.

THAT'S ALL KIDS NEED TO GROW UP

TO BE GOOD KIDS.

YOU KNOW YOU SHOW 'EM YOU LOVE

'EM.

I DIDN'T GET THAT GROWIN' UP.

AND I-- LOOK I COME FROM A

BROKEN HOME, RIGHT?

I DON'T BLAME MY FATHER FOR

LEAVING 'CAUSE I'M GONNA MOVE

OUT TOO MYSELF, ALL RIGHT?

AND THIS IS TRUE.

I DID EVERYTHING FOR ATTENTION

AS A KID.

EVERYTHING.

AND IT WAS ALWAYS NEGATIVE

ATTENTION.

MY FIRST ARMED ROBBERY I WAS

9-YEARS-OLD.

I WALKED INTO THE DRUG STORE

WITH A SQUIRT GUN.

I SAID, "STICK 'EM UP."

THE GUY RAISED HIS HAND AND

SAID, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

I SAID, "JUST A HUG."

[LAUGHTER]

HE TOOK ME IN THE BACK ROOM

AND TOUCHED ME.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW HE'S A PRIEST.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ACTUALLY, I JUST CELEBRATED 17

YEARS WITHOUT A DRUG OR A DRINK

IN MY BODY, 17 YEARS SOBER, 17.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

AND I DON'T NEED TO GET HIGH.

I DON'T.

I DON'T NEED TO GET HIGH.

I GOT GAMBLING TO FALL BACK ON.

I AM THE WORST GAMBLER ON THE

PLANET.

MY OLDEST DAUGHTER TURNED SEVEN,

I THREW HER A BIRTHDAY PARTY AT

OFF-TRACK BETTING.

ALL THE KIDS ARE CRYIN' AND I'M

GOIN', "CALM DOWN, I'LL PAY YOU

BACK."

[LAUGHTER]

ANY CRACK ADDICTS HERE?

MOM, YOU DO DRUGS?

COME ON, A STOOL SOFTENER EVERY

NOW AND THEN?

[LAUGHTER]

CRACK ADDICTS WILL TRY TO SELL

YOU ANYTHING.

YO, MAN, I GOT A WASHING MACHINE

DOOR.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS A CRACK ADDICT 17 YEARS

AGO.

I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING

TO GET HIGH, ANYTHING.

WELL, I NEVER WITH A GUY--

I MEAN.

ONE TIME I JUST KISSED IT LIKE

THAT, THAT WAS IT.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS CRAZY WHEN I GOT HIGH,

MAN.

WE USED TO PARTY OVER AT MY

FRIEND'S FUNERAL HOME.

THAT'S WHERE WE USED TO GET

HIGH.

I SWEAR TO GOD.

WE WERE NUTS.

WE GET ALL WHACKED OUT.

WE SET THE DEAD BODIES UP AROUND

THE TABLE.

AND WE PUT LITTLE PARTY HATS

ON 'EM.

AND WE'D SMOKE A JOINT AND GO,

"DO YOU WANT SOME?"

AND THEN PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.

YOU'RE DEAD.

SOMETIMES WE'D TAKE 'EM UP

TO THE ROOF AROUND RUSH HOUR

AND YELL "I CAN'T HANDLE THIS."

Rich Vos: I WAS IN THERAPY.

I THINK MY THERAPIST TOOK

ADVANTAGE OF ME.

WERE WE SUPPOSED TO BOTH SIT

THERE NAKED IN HIS VAN?

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS IN THERAPY.

I HAD ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.

LET ME READ THIS.

HE PRESCRIBED A DRUG FOR ANXIETY

AND DEPRESSION, RIGHT?

THIS IS THE SIDE EFFECTS TO ONE

DRUG FOR ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION.

SIDE EFFECTS.

ONE DRUG, ANXIETY AND

DEPRESSION.

ONE DRUG.

SIDE EFFECTS.

DIZZINESS, DROWSINESS, DIARRHEA,

CONSTIPATION, GAS, LOSS OF

APPETITE, NAUSEA, FATIGUE,

HEADACHE, DRY MOUTH, WEIGHT

LOSS, ANXIETY...

[LAUGHTER]

DECREASED SEXUAL DESIRE

OR ABILITY TO PERFORM.

THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD FOR

DEPRESSION, HUH?

TROUBLE URINATING, FLUSHING.

IF I CAN'T URINATE WHILE

I GOTTA FLUSH THAT'S--

[LAUGHTER]

HOLD ON.

THIS IS A GOOD ONE RIGHT HERE.

SEIZURES WHILE TAKING THIS

MEDICATION.

A SEIZURE: ALTHOUGH RARE

WATER-WEIGHT GAIN OR BLOATING

MAY PRECEDE SEIZURE.

YOU KNOW WHEN I'M ON THE GROUND

FLAPPING UP AND DOWN SWALLOWIN'

MY TONGUE, I'M THINKING,

"DID I GAIN A FEW POUNDS?"

[LAUGHTER]

ANYHOW, FOLKS, LISTEN TO ME.

IF YOU LEARNED ANYTHING FROM

OUR SHOW TONIGHT REALLY STAY IN

SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I MEAN THIS WITH ALL

SINCERITY, IF I OFFENDED ANYBODY

IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM YOU

HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I DON'T

GIVE A (BLEEP), OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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