David Arnold, Damien Lemon & Tony Roberts

  • Season 2, Ep 2
  • 01/26/2012

David Arnold advises ladies on keeping their men, Damien Lemon gets excited to break the news of a celebrity's death, and Tony Roberts refuses to stop tweeting at takeoff.

I'M HAPPY I'VE BEEN THROUGHEVERYTHING I BEEN THROUGH.

MAN, I'M GONNA TELLYOU RIGHT NOW, MAN.

YOU GOT KIDS OUT THERE--PLEASE, RAISE THOSE KIDS

THE RIGHT DAMN WAY, MAN.

'CAUSE THINGSHAVE CHANGED, MAN.

ALL THIS DAMN GUN PLAY ANDTHIS KIND OF STUFF, MAN.

KIDS DYIN' EVERY DAMN DAY.

GET YOUR KIDS TOGETHER, MAN.

WHEN I GREW UP, IT WAS ALLABOUT THROWIN' ROCKS

AT OLD PEOPLE.

[audience laughing]

YEAH, MAN, WE WOULDLIGHT THEY ASS UP.

MAN, THEY COME DOWNTHE STREET, "OOH.

"LORD HAVE MERCY.

"LORD HAVE MERCY.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

[audience applauding]

ONE TIME THIS GUY CAMETHROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I SAID, "I KNOW DAMN WELLTHEY AIN'T GONNA HIT

"THIS DUDE RIGHT HERE."

THIS DUDE CAME THROUGHTHE NEIGHBORHOOD.

[audience laughing]

"ALL RIGHT NOW.

"DON'T MAKE ME GET UP!"

[audience applauding]

[audience laughing]

DEAD RAPPERS GETTHE BEST LOVE, RIGHT?

TOO BAD THEY BE DEAD.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, SHIT.

I GET EXCITED WHENCELEBRITIES DIE.

MAYBE NOT EXCITED.

I JUST-- YOUKNOW WHAT IT IS.

I GET EXCITED TOBREAK THE NEWS.

'CAUSE THAT'S THE CLOSEST YOUGONNA BE TO A NEWS REPORTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE WHAT DO YOU DO, ASSOON AS A CELEBRITY DIE,

THE FIRST THINGYOU DO, YOU LIKE,

"BABY, YOU HEARD ABOUTMICHAEL JACKSON?

"DEAD, YEAH.

"FIFTY--YEAH, 50.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"I DON'T-I DON'TKNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT HAPPENED.

"LISTEN, I GOTMORE CALLS TO MAKE,

"BUT REMEMBER WHERE YOUHEARD IT FIRST."

WORD.

GOT THAT EXCLUSIVE!

GOTTA BREAK THAT NEWS EARLY.

THE INTERNET, THOUGH,IT STEAL YOUR THUNDER.

NEWS MOVE TOO FAST ON THEINTERNET NOW, YOU KNOW?

KILL ALL YOUR SHINE--MAKE THE SAME CALL.

"BABY, YOU HEARDABOUT AMY WINEHOUSE?

"OH, YOU SAW IT ON TWITTER?

"A'IGHT, WELL, LISTEN, THESEARE MY DAYTIME MINUTES.

"I CAN'T BE TALKIN'--I TALK TO YOU."

WE AIN'T TALK ABOUT THE SERVICEON OUR PHONES NO MORE, RIGHT?

ALL YOU WANT-- ALL YOUTALK ABOUT IS THE APPS.

THAT'S WHAT SELLSTHE PHONE NOW.

THE APPS IS ALL THAT.

THEY GOT APPS--THEY GOT GPS ON THE PHONE.

YOU CAN FIND OUT WHERE THECLOSEST PIZZA SHOP IS

IN A THREE BLOCK RADIUS.

FIND OUT WHERE THE BEST SLICEOF PIZZA IS IN YOUR BLOCK.

FIND THE NEAREST-THENEAREST GAS STATION.

YOU CAN FIND ALL OF THAT.

I NEED SOMETHIN' TOHELP ME FIND MY FATHER.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'SAN APP FOR THAT.

THAT'D HELP, THOUGH, RIGHT?

YOU JUST TAKE YOUR PHONE,LICK THE SCREEN, LIKE "AGH!"

TWO MINUTES LATER, IT'SLIKE, "OH, YOU GERALD'S SON.

"HE LIVE RIGHTUP THE BLOCK."

- WHEN YA'LL BRINGIN'POP LOCKIN' BACK?

I'M STILL DOIN' THAT SHIT.

I BE IN THE CLUBWITH WHITE GLOVES ON

WAITIN' FOR A BITCHTO ASK ME TO DANCE.

"YOU WANNA DANCE--YOU DONE FUCKED UP, BITCH."

YOU EVER DO SOME DUMB SHIT?

I SPENT $430 ATA 99 CENT STORE.

I CAN'T STOPPICKIN' SHIT UP!

ANYBODY HERE THAT BEEN TO A 99CENT STORE SAY THE SAME THING,

"AIN'T NO WAY ALLTHIS SHIT IS 99 CENTS!

"HELL NO!

"HELL NO!

"GIVE ME 15 OF THESEMOTHER FUCKERS!"

I'M PUSHIN' MY CART LIKEMY CAR OUT OF GAS.

I'M IN THE MOTHERFUCKER LIKE,

"99 CENT--ARE YOU FUCKIN' SERIOUS!"

I SEE SOME OFYA'LL COUPLED UP.

YOU EVER MADE A SEX TAPEWITH YOUR GIRL AND WATCHED IT?

YOU EVER DID THAT?

SHIT-- LET ME TELL YASOMETHIN'.

FELLAS, YOU THINKYOU LOOK GOOD.

YOU THINK YOU FEELSEXY HAVIN' SEX.

DON'T WATCH YOURSELF FUCK,UNLESS YOU BEEN TO THE GYM.

IT'LL FUCK YOURSELF ESTEEM UP.

AS SOON AS I PUTTHE SEX TAPE IN, I BE,

"WHO THE FUCK IS THAT!

"NO, NO,WHO-WHO'S THAT!"

YOU NEVER SEEN YOURWHOLE ASS FROM THE BACK.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU LOOK.

I GOT TWO DENTS IN MY SHITI AIN'T NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

I'M HITTIN' ITFROM THE SIDE.

I SAID, "GIRL,YOU PREGNANT."

SHE SAID, "NIGGER,THAT'S YOU."

I'M LIKE A KANGAROO.

OH, THIS IS-- THIS IS HOW I AM,MY STOMACH ON THE ASS.

I GOT A PHOBIA OFSLEEPIN' NAKED.

I DON'T DO IT--I'M SCARED.

I GOTTA RUN OUT THEHOUSE REAL FAST.

I DON'T KNOW WHEREIT COME FROM.

I LAY DOWN WITH YOU NAKED.

TEN MINUTES LATER, I GOT MYSHORTS, T-SHIRT ON,

MY SHOES RIGHT THERE.

WHAT IF THE HOUSE CATCH FIREAND WE ASLEEP,

AND BY THE TIMETHEY GET TO US,

THE SMOKE-THE SMOKE'S SO THICK,WE CAN'T FIND OUR CLOTHES.

AND THE FIREMAN PUTTHE BIG HARD ASS,

WET GLOVE UP MY ASS ANDTAKE ME OUTSIDE NAKED.

AND I'M ON HIS SHOULDERPLEADIN' WITH THE FIREFIGHTER,

"DON'T TAKE MEOUTSIDE LIKE THIS!

"LET ME BURN,MOTHER FUCKER!"

HE THROW ME ON THEGRASS, COLD, WET GRASS.

MY NEIGHBOR'S LOOKIN'.

IT'S COLD AND WET--MY DICK DONE SHRIVELED UP.

LIKE, "OH, LOOK AT HIM--HE'S AN INFANT."

PEOPLE ARE IN THE ROOM

IS THE YOUNG COUPLES.

I LOVE YA'LL.

'CAUSE YA'LL SMILIN'.

YOU HOLDIN' EACHOTHER'S HAND.

YOU GOT HOPE IN YOUR EYE.

'CAUSE YOU REALLY THINKYOU GONNA MAKE IT.

YOU NOT GONNA MAKE IT.

SOME OF YA'LL SITTIN' WITHSOMEBODY YOU KNOW YOU NOT

GONNA MAKE IT WITH, BUT YOUTHINK, "I'M PROBABLY NOT

"GONNA MAKE IT, BUT I'MGONNA DO THE BEST I CAN."

YOU KNOW WHAT IREALIZE BEING MARRIED?

THIS IS IT.

MARRIED PEOPLE DON'TEVEN ARGUE THE SAME

AS DATIN' PEOPLE DO.

ALL YA'LL LITTLE YOUNGPEOPLE THAT'S DATIN',

YA'LL ARGUE WITH FIRE, 'CAUSEIT'S ALL ABOUT WHO RIGHT.

"KISS MY ASS--YOU GO HELL!

"YOU MOTHER--"YA'LL DO ALL THAT.

I DON'T DO NONE OF THAT.

WHEN I GET INTO IT WITHMY WIFE, I MESS WITH HER MIND.

LAST TIME WE GOT INTO IT, ITOOK ONE OF ALL HER EARRINGS

AND THREW 'EM AWAY.

YOU KNOW HOWMUCH PLEASURE I GET

WATCHIN' HER LOOKFOR ANOTHER EARRING

THAT I KNOW SHE'SNEVER GOING TO FIND?

IT MAKES ME HAPPY,YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE REALLYPISSED ME OFF.

I TOOK HER FAVORITE PAIROF JEANS TO THE TAILOR

AND HAD 'EM TAKE 'EMIN AN INCH.

SHE THINK SHEGAININ' WEIGHT.

SHE UP TO FIVE MILES A DAY--"I CAN'T GET IT OFF!"

"YOU A FAT BITCH--I TRIED TO TELL YA."

BUT I'M TRYIN' TO HOLDMY FAMILY TOGETHER.

I'M GONNA DO IT.

THIS HOLLYWOOD THING AIN'TGONNA TAKE IT FROM ME,

I TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW--I DON'T DO THE SIDE CHICK...

ANYMORE.

I DON'T DO THAT.

LET ME TELL YOU WHYI DON'T DO THAT.

I DON'T DO THAT BECAUSETHE REASON IS THE SIDE CHICK

DON'T KNOW HOW TOSTAY IN HER LANE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

IF YOU GONNA BETHE SIDE CHICK,

YOU NEED TO UNDERSTANDTHERE'S RULES TO BEIN'

THE SIDE CHICK,ALL RIGHT?

RULE NUMBER ONE,YOU'RE NUMBER TWO.

THAT'S THE FIRST RULE.

[audience cheering]

RULE NUMBER TWO, ALLBIRTHDAYS AND HOLIDAYS

WILL BE CELEBRATED THE DAYBEFORE OR THE DAY AFTER.

THAT'S IT.

RULE NUMBER THREE, IF YOUFORGET YOU NUMBER TWO,

YOU REFER TO RULE NUMBER ONE,WHICH IS THAT YOU ARE...

- NUMBER TWO!- YOU ON YOUR GODDAMN WAY.

I'M TRYIN' TO HELP YOU.

AND THAT'S THE THING.

I KNOW WHO THE SIDE CHICKSARE, 'CAUSE YOU JUST BROKE

EYE CONTACT WITH ME--I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

IF YOU GONNA BE A SIDE CHICK,COOL, BE A SIDE CHICK.

BUT DON'T STAY INTHAT ROLE TOO LONG,

'CAUSE IT MESSWITH YOUR MIND.

'CAUSE I DATED A CHICK WHOI KNEW HAD BEEN A SIDE CHICK.

I WAS GONNA TRY ANDMAKE HER MY MAIN CHICK.

SHE COULDN'TMAKE THE CONVERSION,

'CAUSE SHE SUFFERFROM SIDE BITCH SYNDROME.

YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

IF YOU WANT NOT TO DEALWITH THAT KIND OF STUFF,

YOU DO WHAT YOU DID TO KEEP YOURMAN THAT YOU DID TO GET HIM.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU LISTEN TO WHATI'M TELLIN' YOU.

FUCK THE JOKES--I'M TRYIN' TO HELP YOU.

ALL RIGHT--I-- SUCK HIS DICK.

FOCUS.

YOU UNDERSTAND, MA'AM, THEONE SHAKIN' YOUR HEAD

RIGHT THERE.

I NEED YOU TO FOCUS,YOU UNDERSTAND?

I SEE YOU GOT ARING ON YOUR FINGER.

YOU DIDN'T GET THAT RINGWITHOUT MASTERIN' THE ART

OF SUCKIN' DICK--STOP.

I REMEMBER BEFORE I GOTMARRIED, MY WIFE WOULD GO

DOWN ON ME FOR REASONS I WASEMBARRASSED FOR HER ABOUT.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE WOULD BE LIKE,"OOH, CANDY FOR ME?

"AHH!"

I'M LIKE, "OKAY,WAIT A MINUTE."

NOW, I CAN'T GET IT NEARHER FACE, YOU UNDERSTAND?

SHE'S EVASIVE.

I'M LIKE, "WHERE'D SHE GO--SHE DISAPPEARED."

I LOOK UP--SHE ON THE CEILIN' FAN.

NO, THAT'S NOT WHATI SIGNED UP FOR.

AND SHE SAID TO ME--WE GOT INTO IT ONE TIME.

SHE SAID, "DAVID,EXPLAIN SOMETHIN' TO ME.

"WHY SHOULD I GO DOWNON YOU EVERYDAY?"

I SAID, "I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

"'CAUSE WHEN YOUCOME IN THE ROOM

"AND YOU FLIP THE SWITCH,THE ROOM ILLUMINATES.

"BECAUSE WHEN YOU OPEN UPTHE REFRIGERATOR,

"YOU CAN'T SEE THE BACK OF IT,'CAUSE IT'S FULL.

"'CAUSE IF YOU WANT TO,YOU CAN GO OUTSIDE

"AND GET IN ANYONE OF THEM CARS.

"THEY ALWAYSGONNA BE THERE.

"WHY?

"'CAUSE I GOT THETITLES IN MY OFFICE.

"IF YOU NEED SOME SPACE,GO IN ANY ONE

"OF THESE FIVE BEDROOMS.

"I BOUGHT THIS FOR ME,YOU, AND THE KIDS.

"IF IT'S HOT,GO IN THE BACKYARD,

"GET IN THAT SWIMMING POOL--IT AIN'T NOBODY HERE BUT US.

"AND IF YOU WANT TO, WE CANGET DOWN ON OUR KNEES

"AND PRAY ABOUT HOW TO MAKETHIS RELATIONSHIP BETTER,

"AND I WILL GET DOWN ON MYKNEES AND PRAY WITH YOU.

"BUT WHEN I GET UP,I NEED YOU TO STAY THERE

"FOR TWO MORE MINUTES ANDDO WHAT YOU'RE FUCKING

"SUPPOSED TO DO."

MY NAME'S DAVID ARNOLD--THIS IS WHAT I DO!

[cheering]

- WHY?

- LOOK, I DIDN'T COME BACK TONEW YORK TO DO THE SAME THING

THE TOURISTS DO.- IT'S FUN.

STATUE OF LIBERTY,EMPIRE STATE BUILDING,

BROOKLYN BRIDGE.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, LOOK, LOOK.

I WANNA DO SOMEREAL NEW YORK STUFF.

REAL NEW YORK!

- LIKE WHAT?

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WEREGONNA STEAL THAT

OLD LADY'S PURSE.- THAT'S NEW YORK, BABY!

IT DON'T GET MORE NEW YORKTHAN THAT RIGHT THERE!

- YES, IT DO!

NOW, GIVE ME MY PURSE!

AND GIVE ME YOUR WALLETS!

NOW!- OKAY, OKAY!

- AND GIVE ME YOUR DAMN HAT!

AND NEXT TIME, I'M GONNASHOOT YA IN YOUR ASSES!

- OKAY--OKAY.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSEWHERE I'M FROM

YOUR FATHER WILLABANDON THE FAMILY,

BUT HE WON'T LEAVETHE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU LIABLE TOBE ON THE TRAIN.

LIKE, "YO, WHY IS THIS OLDDUDE STARIN' AT ME LIKE THAT.

"AND WHY DOES HEHAVE MY EYES?"

"THAT'S YOUR FATHER,THAT'S WHY."

THAT'S REAL TALK.

SOME OF YA'LL ARESWALLOWIN' HARD.

LIKE, "AGH, THAT'S TOUGH."

FATHER'S DAY JUST BEMOTHER'S DAY, THE SEQUEL.

ON THAT NOTE, SHOUT OUT TOALL THE WHITE PEOPLE

THAT'S BEEN ADOPTINGTHESE BLACK BABIES.

THERE'S BLACK PEOPLECLAPPIN' FOR THAT.

THERE MIGHT NOT BE ANY.

THAT'S LIKE ARICH WHITE FETISH.

YOU GOTTA HAVE SOMEPAPER FOR THAT.

'CAUSE THEY DON'TADOPT DOMESTIC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU WON'T CATCH 'EM WITH,LIKE, A BED-STY BLACK BABY.

THAT'S...

THAT'S TOO LOCAL.

YOU COULD SEETHAT ON A-TRAIN.

AH.

THEY BE GOIN' DEEP OFF TOAFRICA, TO THE SOURCE.

GET THAT UNCUT, PURE.

FOR REALS.

THEY BE TALKIN' ABOUT THEBABY LIKE IT'S A WEED STRAIN.

THEY BE LIKE, "YEAH...

"WE GOT THIS UGANDAAT THE CRIB.

"THIS LITTLE GUY IS AMAZING!"

THEY BE BEAUTIFULBLACK BABIES, TOO.

YOU SEEN 'EM--THEY BE GORGEOUS.

SHINY, CURLY BLACK HAIR.

SKIN BE CLEAR LIKEA CUP OF COFFEE.

KID BE THREE MONTHS OLD,GOT 32 PERFECT, STRAIGHT,

ADULT TEETH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU BE LIKE,"WHERE YOU GET THIS--

"WHAT, YOU SEEN ACASTING AGENT?

"THIS LITTLE GUYIS ADORABLE!"

SERIOUSLY, BLACK PEOPLE,WHITE FOLKS

ARE BUYIN' BLACK PEOPLEAGAIN.

JUST PAY ATTENTIONIS ALL I'M SAYIN'.

THEY SAY, "IF YOU SEESOMETHIN', SAY SOMETHIN'."

SO, I'M JUST-- MAN.

I FLY ALL THE TIME.

I FLEW FROM LONDON TO L.A.,NONSTOP, 12 HOURS ON THE PLANE.

I TOOK TWO TYLENOL PMs--YOU EVER HAD THIS?

JESUS!

THAT'S THE STRONGESTSHIT IN THE WORLD.

YOU DON'T GET NO WARNING,NO YAWN OR NOTHIN'.

I'M SITTIN' THERE--I WAS TALKIN' TO THIS LADY.

"YEAH, NO--" I WOKE UP ONANOTHER GUY'S CHEST LIKE THIS.

I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK!"

THREE OF MY BUTTONSUNBUTTONED.

"NOW, THIS IS BULL SHIT!"

I AIN'T SITTIN'THERE NO MORE.

I HELPIN' THE LADY GIVEOUT DRINKS IN THE AISLE.

THERE YOU GO, RIGHT THERE.

SHE SAYS, "SIR, YOUDON'T HAVE TO DO THIS."

"YES, THE FUCK, I DO.

I'M ABOUT TO GET MOLESTED ANDAIN'T NOBODY SAYIN' NOTHIN'!"

I LIKE TO TWITTER AND BETWEETIN' ON THE PLANE.

TRYIN' TO GET THATLAST BIT IN THERE.

"CUT YOUR PHONEOFF, PLEASE."

"WAIT, I'M GONNA GET THIS."

A WHITE LADY SAY, "SIR,CUT YOUR PHONE OFF."

I SAY, "THIS AIN'T YOURFUCKIN' PLANE, BITCH."

"NOSY WHITE BITCH, 12B.

"ANGRY FACE."

THE SMALLEST PLACEIN THE WORLD,

THE AIRPLANE BATHROOM.

YOU EVER GO INTHIS BATHROOM?

AS SOON AS YOU GETIN THE BATHROOM,

EVERYTHING RIGHT HERE.

YOU TRY TO COME OUTTHE BATHROOM LIKE...

"I HATE THIS LITTLEASS BATHROOM."

THE LADY GONNA ASK ME,"ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME

"WITH THE DOOR IN CASE OFAN EMERGENCY?"

I'M IN THE EXIT ROW.

YOU EVER BEENIN AN EXIT ROW?

"ARE YOU GONNA HELPME WITH THE DOOR?"

"HELP YOU!

"BUT I THINK YOUGOT THE TRAININ'!

"I DON'T WORK HERE!"

SOON AS THIS PLANE STARTGOIN' DOWN, I CAN'T HELP YOU,

BECAUSE I'M GONNA BE HAVIN'SEX WITH EVERY WOMAN

I GET MY HANDS ONBEFORE WE BURN.

WHY-- I MEAN, "WE CRASHIN'!

"WE CRASHIN'!

"WE CRASHIN'!

"WE CRASHIN'!

"WE CRASHIN'!"

I'M EATIN' ASSAND EVERYTHING.

WHO GONNA TELLI ATE SOME ASS?

WE ABOUT TO DIE.

I'M GONNA BE HAVIN'SEX WITH ONE GIRL,

I'M GONNA HEAR THIS,"THIS IS YOUR PILOT.

"WE GAINED CONTROLOF THE PLANE.

"EVERYTHING OKAY."

"WHAT!

"SORRY, MA'AM--SORRY, MA'AM.

"SORRY-- SORRY.

"BITCH, I DIDN'TWANT YOU EITHER.

"I'M SORRY--I THOUGHT WE WAS DYIN'.

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