David Arnold, Damien Lemon & Tony Roberts

  • 01/26/2012

David Arnold advises ladies on keeping their men, Damien Lemon gets excited to break the news of a celebrity's death, and Tony Roberts refuses to stop tweeting at takeoff.

DEAD RAPPERS GETTHE BEST LOVE, RIGHT?

TOO BAD THEY BE DEAD.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, SHIT.

I GET EXCITED WHENCELEBRITIES DIE.

MAYBE NOT EXCITED.

I JUST-- YOUKNOW WHAT IT IS.

I GET EXCITED TOBREAK THE NEWS.

'CAUSE THAT'S THE CLOSEST YOUGONNA BE TO A NEWS REPORTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

'CAUSE WHAT DO YOU DO, ASSOON AS A CELEBRITY DIE,

THE FIRST THINGYOU DO, YOU LIKE,

"BABY, YOU HEARD ABOUTMICHAEL JACKSON?

"DEAD, YEAH.

"FIFTY--YEAH, 50.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

"I DON'T-I DON'TKNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

"I DON'T KNOWWHAT HAPPENED.

"LISTEN, I GOTMORE CALLS TO MAKE,

"BUT REMEMBER WHERE YOUHEARD IT FIRST."

WORD.

GOT THAT EXCLUSIVE!

GOTTA BREAK THAT NEWS EARLY.

THE INTERNET, THOUGH,IT STEAL YOUR THUNDER.

NEWS MOVE TOO FAST ON THEINTERNET NOW, YOU KNOW?

KILL ALL YOUR SHINE--MAKE THE SAME CALL.

"BABY, YOU HEARDABOUT AMY WINEHOUSE?

"OH, YOU SAW IT ON TWITTER?

"A'IGHT, WELL, LISTEN, THESEARE MY DAYTIME MINUTES.

"I CAN'T BE TALKIN'--I TALK TO YOU."

WE AIN'T TALK ABOUT THE SERVICEON OUR PHONES NO MORE, RIGHT?

ALL YOU WANT-- ALL YOUTALK ABOUT IS THE APPS.

THAT'S WHAT SELLSTHE PHONE NOW.

THE APPS IS ALL THAT.

THEY GOT APPS--THEY GOT GPS ON THE PHONE.

YOU CAN FIND OUT WHERE THECLOSEST PIZZA SHOP IS

IN A THREE BLOCK RADIUS.

FIND OUT WHERE THE BEST SLICEOF PIZZA IS IN YOUR BLOCK.

FIND THE NEAREST-THENEAREST GAS STATION.

YOU CAN FIND ALL OF THAT.

I NEED SOMETHIN' TOHELP ME FIND MY FATHER.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'SAN APP FOR THAT.

THAT'D HELP, THOUGH, RIGHT?

YOU JUST TAKE YOUR PHONE,LICK THE SCREEN, LIKE "AGH!"

TWO MINUTES LATER, IT'SLIKE, "OH, YOU GERALD'S SON.

"HE LIVE RIGHTUP THE BLOCK."

YOU KNOW, BECAUSEWHERE I'M FROM

YOUR FATHER WILLABANDON THE FAMILY,

BUT HE WON'T LEAVETHE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU LIABLE TOBE ON THE TRAIN.

LIKE, "YO, WHY IS THIS OLDDUDE STARIN' AT ME LIKE THAT.

"AND WHY DOES HEHAVE MY EYES?"

"THAT'S YOUR FATHER,THAT'S WHY."

THAT'S REAL TALK.

SOME OF YA'LL ARESWALLOWIN' HARD.

LIKE, "AGH, THAT'S TOUGH."

FATHER'S DAY JUST BEMOTHER'S DAY, THE SEQUEL.

ON THAT NOTE, SHOUT OUT TOALL THE WHITE PEOPLE

THAT'S BEEN ADOPTINGTHESE BLACK BABIES.

THERE'S BLACK PEOPLECLAPPIN' FOR THAT.

THERE MIGHT NOT BE ANY.

THAT'S LIKE ARICH WHITE FETISH.

YOU GOTTA HAVE SOMEPAPER FOR THAT.

'CAUSE THEY DON'TADOPT DOMESTIC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU WON'T CATCH 'EM WITH,LIKE, A BED-STY BLACK BABY.

THAT'S...

THAT'S TOO LOCAL.

YOU COULD SEETHAT ON A-TRAIN.

AH.

THEY BE GOIN' DEEP OFF TOAFRICA, TO THE SOURCE.

GET THAT UNCUT, PURE.

FOR REALS.

THEY BE TALKIN' ABOUT THEBABY LIKE IT'S A WEED STRAIN.

THEY BE LIKE, "YEAH...

"WE GOT THIS UGANDAAT THE CRIB.

"THIS LITTLE GUY IS AMAZING!"

THEY BE BEAUTIFULBLACK BABIES, TOO.

YOU SEEN 'EM--THEY BE GORGEOUS.

SHINY, CURLY BLACK HAIR.

SKIN BE CLEAR LIKEA CUP OF COFFEE.

KID BE THREE MONTHS OLD,GOT 32 PERFECT, STRAIGHT,

ADULT TEETH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU BE LIKE,"WHERE YOU GET THIS--

"WHAT, YOU SEEN ACASTING AGENT?

"THIS LITTLE GUYIS ADORABLE!"

SERIOUSLY, BLACK PEOPLE,WHITE FOLKS

ARE BUYIN' BLACK PEOPLEAGAIN.

JUST PAY ATTENTIONIS ALL I'M SAYIN'.

THEY SAY, "IF YOU SEESOMETHIN', SAY SOMETHIN'."

SO, I'M JUST-- MAN.

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