Wednesday, April 22, 2015

  • 04/22/2015

Kerri Kenney-Silver and the Sklar Brothers guess what YouTube's last video ever might be, describe #EarthIn3Words and come up with inoffensive frat party themes.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: NOW, EVERYONE KNOWSTHAT THE WORLD OF LOCAL NEWS IS

A (BLEEP)ING BLOODBATH AND THEREIS NO MARKET MORE MERCILESS

THAN SOUTHERN FLORIDA.

BUT THROUGH THE TOILET GATORSAND REDNECK WEAPON GOOFS, THERE

IS ONE TEAM THAT HAS EMERGEDVICTORIOUS FROM THE ASHES LIKE A

BEAUTIFUL NEWS PHOENIX AND THEYARE KNOWN ON THIS PLANE OF

EXISTENCE AS SOUTHWEST FLORIDA'SOWN WINK NEWS.

THERE'S THE WINK NEWS TEAM.

>> NOBODY'S WINKING.

>> WHY IS NO ONE WINKING?

>> Chris: OH, THEY ARE WINKINGJUST NOT WITH THEIR EYES.

THEY CAME, THEY SAW, THEYCONQUERED, THEY GOT THE

EXCLUSIVE SCOOP ON THE ARREST OFTHE DRUNK DRIVING GRANDMA.

>> COLLIER COUNTY DEPUTIES SAIDSHE CAN'T STAND ONE LEG ON A

GOOD DAY.

WHEN SHE WAS TAKEN AWAY INHANDCUFFS, HER GRANDSON RAN

UP AND GAVE HER A HUG.

>> Chris: OH!

NOW YOU BE GOOD WHILE GRANDMA --I PUT DOLLAR IN YOUR BIRTHDAY

CARD, NOW SHOVE IT IN MYG-STRING.

THE G STANDS FOR GRANDMA.

COMEDIANS, AS THIS DRUNKBIKINIED GRANNY, USE YOUR

ONE PHONE CALL, KERRIKENNEY-SILVER.

>> HEY, KIDS, TURN ON THE TV,GRANDMA IS WEARING THE BIKINI

YOU GOT ME FOR HANUKKAH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> YOU PUSSIES ARE LUCKY I AMEVEN WEARING MY DRIVING BIKINI.

HANG ON.

HANG ON A SECOND.

EARL, I DONE DID IT AGAIN!

>> Chris: POINTS.

THE RASCALS I'M RIDING DON'THAVE WHEELS.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO CLEANSEOUR BRAINS PALATE.

SINCE IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT NOWWE'D LIKE TO FIRST TO WISH

YOUTUBE A HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: TODAY, IT IS KIND OFHARD TO IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT

YOUTUBE -- I MEAN IT REALLY DIDFLIP WHAT, LIKE, THE WAY THAT WE

SAHRED OUR ENTERTAINMENT IN OURCULTURE AND EMPOWERED

INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE.

YOUTUBE IS ONE OF THE MOSTINCREDIBLE INVENTIONS IN THE

HISTORY OF HUMANITY WHEN YOUTHINK ABOUT HOW IT CHANGED

SOCIETY. HOWEVER, IF YOUEVER READ THE COMMENT THREAD ON

A YOUTUBE VIDEO, THAT IS THETAINT OF HUMANITY.

NOW, IT WAS TEN YEARS AGO TODAY,THE FIRST YOUTUBE VIDEO "ME AT

THE ZOO" WAS POSTED.

THIS IS WHAT IT WAS.

>> THE COOL THING ABOUT THESEGUYS IS THAT THEY HAVE REALLY,

REALLY, REALLY LONG TRUNKS.

>> Chris: HE WAS JUST DESCRIBINGELEPHANTS.

THE COOL THING ABOUT ELEPHANTSTHEY HAVE NOSES BUT LIKE,

THEY ARE LONG.

>> THE GREAT THING ABOUTELEPHANTS IS THAT THEY REMEMBER

(BLEEP).

>> I WONDER IF HE CAN HEARBETTER WITH THOSE BIG EARS.

>> Chris: HEY, ELEPHANT I HAVEA COUPLE OF PEANUTS FOR YOU.

I LIKE HOW THIS GUY HASEVOLVED THROUGH THE COURSE OF

THE BIT.

BUT WE REALLY HAVE COME A LONGWAY SINCE "ME AT THE ZOO."

ACTUALLY WE HAVE NOT, WE AREDOING EXACTLY THE SAME PALCE,

BUT IF SOMETHING TRAGICALLY GOWRONG AND YOUTUBE GOES THE WAY

OF MYSPACE, WHAT DO YOU EXPECTTHE LAST YOUTUBE VIDEO EVER

POSTED?

RANDALL.

>> I THIN KIT'S GONAN BE THEDOUBLE RAINBOW GUY GETTING

BEATEN UP AT A GAY PRIDE PARADE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JASON.

>> I THINK IT IS GOING TO BEKEYBOARD CAT GETTING PUT TO

SLEEP.

>> Chris: GUYS, GUYS --

>> SAVE IT FOR THE COMMENTS.

>> Chris: DON'T BE UPSET.KEYBOARD CAT IS ALREADY DEAD.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

EARTH DAY IS WHEN YOU LOOKBACK AND SEE ONLY ONE SET OF

CARBON FOOTPRINTS IN THE STANDAND REALIZE THAT'S WHERE ED

BAGLEY JR. WAS CARRYING YOU.

HERE'S WHAT THIS IS THE MOSTSECULAR OF HOLIDAYS LOOKED LIKE

20 YEARS AGO IN 1995.

>> IT'S EARTH DAY AT WALT DISNEYWORLD WITH YOUR HOSTS ED BEGLEY

JR., AND DANA DELANEY, SHAQUILLEO'NEILL, RHEA PERLMAN THE

REMBRANDTS, PATRICIA RICHARDSON,AND MARY STEENBURGEN, JAY

THOMAS, AND JOHN TRAVOLTA.

>> Chris: YOU DID IT, 90sCELEBS, YOU SAVED THE GODDAMN

FUTURE.

WE'RE ALL OKAY.

WE'RE STILL ALIVE, FOR NOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: THAT'S WHY, TONIGHT'SHASHTAG IS #EarthIn3Words.

#EarthIn3Words.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE SHARKNADOS AREIMMINENT, OR NO MORE WATER, OR

THE MOON'S BITCH.

I'M GONNA PUT 60-SECONDING ONTHE CLOCK, BEGIN.

YES, JAY.

>> SHOW YOUR TITS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KERRI.

>> FINALLY WITHOUT TREES.

>> Chris: POINTS.

RANDY.

>> TOO MANY KARDASHIANS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Chris: TOO MANY KARDASHIANS, TOO MANY KARDASHIANS.

POINTS.

JAY.

>> TYLER PERRY PRESENTS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> EARTH.

>> Chris: RANDY.

>> CHINA'S TRASH CAN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> Chris: NOW IT IS TIME TOPLAY WISH YOU WERE HERE, WISH

YOU WERE HERE.

YES E-MAIL AND DIRECT MESSAGINGHAS MADE COMMUNICATING WITH

OTHERS FUN AND CONVENIENT IN THEDIGITAL AGE, BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL

THOSE ANTIQUATED FORMS OFCOMMUNICATION LIKE SMOKE

SIGNALS, CARRIER PIGEONS AND THEEVER POPULAR POSTCARD.

FORTUNATELY THE BAD POSTCARDSTUMBLR ARCHIVES SOME OF THE

WORST OF ALL-TIME. I WILL SHOWYOU A REAL BAD POSTCARD AND FOR

250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TO GIVEME A LINE YOU WOULD EXPECT TO

SEE WRITTEN ON IT.

OKAY, FIRST UP, THIS SOUTHERNABOMINATION.

>> OH!

>> Chris: JASON.

>> FINALLY ATE AT TOBY KEITH'SRESTAURANT.

THE KU KLUX KLAM CHOWDER WAS TODIE FOR.

>> Chris: POINTS. KERRI.

>> WISH YOU WERE HERE. ANDWHITE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

NEXT ONE T IS GUN TOTING LAWMAN.

WHERE IS HE GOING TO TAKE YOU TOJAIL, JASON.

>> DALE SAYS I HAVE A VERYFORGIVING ANUS.

>> Chris: I WOULD LOVE SO SEETHAT WRITTEN ON THIS POSTCARD.

KERRI.

>> GUESS WHO BROKE HISRESTRAINING ORDER AGAIN!

>> Chris: POINTS. POINTS TOKERRI.

LAST ONE, THIS CHEESE CITYTOURIST TRAP.

RANDY.

>> SO I TOLD YOUR MOTHER WHAT DOYOU SAY WE GO AROUND THE OTHER

SIDE OF THIS THING AND PUT SOMEHOLES IN IT.

#SwissFist.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WISCONSIN'S THE ONLY PLACE YOUCAN GLORY CHEESE.

>> IT IS.

TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME, RAISETHE BAR MITZVAH!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OR I SHOULD'VE SAID, RAISE THEBAR... MITZVAH.

WATCH OUT JUSTIN BIEBER ANDREBECCA BLACK, THERE'S A NEW

CROP OF TALENTED YOUTUBE STARSTHAT ARE ABOUT TO GO VIRAL WITH

THEIR INCREDIBLE SINGING SKILLS.

OF COURSE I AM REFERRING TO THEOVER-THE-TOP BAR MITZVAH

INVITATION VIDEOS.

I WILL DESCRIBE TWO SCENARIOSAND FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU

TO TELL THEY WHICH IS ACTUALLYFEATURED IN A KID'S REAL BAR

MITZVAH INVITATION VIDEO.

FIRST ONE, A RAPPING BARMITZVAH BOY SURROUNDED BY

JEWELRY AND WOMEN TWICE HIS AGE,OR RAPPING BAR MITZVAH BOY

PUSHING AROUND HIS BUBBIE IN HERWHEELCHAIR.

JASON.

>> I'M GONNA SAY RAPPING BARMITZVAH BOY SURROUNDED BY

JEWELERY AND WOMEN TWICE HISAGE.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE.

>> BECAUSE WHEN I TURN 13,I AM GOING TO BE A MAN, ARE YOU

READY FOR A BIG PARTY INAMSTERDAM.

COME OUT TO DAMAGES, CELEBRATIONAND PLAY.

BAR MITZVAH DAY.

>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I WASHOPING THERE WOULD BE A SHOT

WITH HIM WITH A GIRL IN FRONT OFHIM AND JUST --

>> SMACKING THAT ASS.

>> LIKE FOR INSTANCE, HISBUBBIE.

>> HE IS AN OG, AN ORIGINALGEFILTE.

>> Chris: ARE YOU SAY HE TORAHTHAT ASS UP.

>> MAZEL TOV, YOU LITTLE FREAK.

>> Chris: A PARODY OF LUDACRISSONG WELCOME TO ATLANTA OR

A PARODY OF HOZIER SONG CALLEDTAKE ME TO TEMPLE.

RANDY.

>> YOU HAVE TO DO TAKE ME TOTEMPLE.

JEWS CANNOT LIKE PASS UP AGOOD PUN. I'M TELLING YOU, TAKE

ME TO THE TEMPLE.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> WELCOME TO ATLANTA WHERE THEGAME IS PLAYED/ I HOPE YOU CAN

MAKE MY BAR MITZVAH DAY.

13 YEARS SINCE I WAS BORN, ANDTHE PARTY WON'T STOP UNTIL

SUNDAY MORNING.

>> WHOA.

>> I MEAN, I AM SORRY, I'MSORRY, I AM SENSITIVE TO ALL

PEOPLE AND THEY THINGS. DON'TPUT A JEWISH BOY ON A TRAIN IN

HIS VIDEO.

>> WHERE IS HE GOING? WHERE ISHE GOING?

>> WHERE IS HE GOING?

BUT NOW IT'S TIME FOR DEATH OFTHE PARTY, DEATH OF THE PARTY.

>> Chris: A FRATERNITY ATTHE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS GOT SOME

FRANKLY WELL DESERVED HEAT LASTYEAR WHEN IT THREW A BORDER

PATROL THEMED PARTY THAT COULDBE MISCONSTRUED AS SLIGHTLY

RACIST -- HORRIBLY RACIST.

CONFEDORAMA RACIST.

THIS YEAR, THOUGH, THE UTINTRAFRATERNITY COUNCIL IS

CLEANING UP ITS ACT AND SENT OUTA LIST OF OFFENSIVE AND

NONOFFENSIVE PARTY THEMES.

OFFENSIVE PARTY THEMES INCLUDE,GOLF PROS AND TENNIS HOS, GALS

AND GAUCHOS, AND ARISTOCRATS ANDTROPHY WIVES.

SEPARABLY NOT OFFENSIVE PARTYTHEMES INCLUDE DISCO PARTY,

PAJAMA WINTER, WINTERWONDERLAND, AND P FOR PARTY.

I SUPPOSE THAT'S LIKE NO IS FORNO.

COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE OTHERNONOFFENSIVE FRAT PARTY THEMES,

IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.

JAY.

>> Gs UP, HOES ALSO UP.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KERRI.

>> GLUTEN-FREE MUFFIN JAMBOREE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

JASON.

>> SWEAT SHIRTS AND MOM JEANS.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES JAY.

>> IF YOU CAN'T BEAT THEM,STEINEM, A FEMINIST JAMBOREE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: YES.

SOME GUY IN THE AUDIENCE IT ISLIKE YES, YES, POINTS.

RANDY.

>> SLUT RESPECTING.

>> Chris: POINTS.

KERRI.

>> COME DRESSED IN YOUR FAVORITECHARACTER FROM MAYA ANGELOU'S

SEMINAL WORK "I KNOW WHY THECAGED BIRD SINGS."

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, RANDY.

>> THE INDOOR VOICE POETRYSLAM.

>> Chris: POINTS.