Deuce Ex Machina

  • Season 2, Ep 17
  • 08/02/2016

Jeff goes on vacation for some wild alien sex, a hit man's clarinet lessons pay off, and a fairy godmother really sucks at her job.

[triumphant music]

[drumroll]

[ding]- Citizens of Egg Man Land!

I sold your soulsto buy a new Jet Ski.

[crowd cheers]And you didn't even notice!

[all cheering]

Today, I feel your pain.

I know you workhard, long hours

in terrible,horrible conditions.

You don't seeyour families for weeks on end.

And then, oh,your money goes straight to me!

I bet you're all wonderinghow I spend it.

[all cheer]

Do you really want to knowhow I spend these sacks of cash?

all: Gusto rules!Gusto rules!

- I don't.

[crowd cheers]

- ♪ Gusto

♪ Gusto, Gusto

[glass breaks]- Shit!

- Is somebody there?

- God, sorry.That's my bad.

I will--I'll pay for that.

I have one, two, three--

$6 and an iTunes gift card.

Do you wantan iTunes gift card?

- No. Who are you?

- I'm your fairy godmother.- What?

Like in the stories?

- Uh-huh, and I came hereto get you ready for the ball.

[babbles]

Ta-da!

- Did you just turn my computerinto a pumpkin?

- [laughs]

You said "pupkin."That's not a word.

- Pumpkin is a word.

- Wait, wait.How am I saying it?

Pup, pump, pup,pumpin, punkpin?

- Pumpkin.Can you turn it back, please?

- But what are you gonna rideto the ball, sweetheart?

- Okay, A, I don't thinkI can ride that

because it is a pumpkin,and, B, I'm not going to a ball.

- Ugh.Well, then where are you going?

- To school.In four hours.

- Then we got lots of time.

You want to do some shots?- No.

- I mean, we could just drinkstraight-up cough syrup.

I mean, that's whatyou kids do, right?

- No!

- Okay, okay, okay.Look, here.

My friend Dougis supposed to call me,

but he hasn't called me yet,so I don't want to go to bed.

- I'm...sorry?

- Can you just text him for me

from your phoneand ask him where he is?

- I don't have a phone!

And if I did, I wouldn't betexting adult men with it!

- Doug is not an adult.He's only 27.

- Can you please just changemy computer back?

- You're no fun.

[babbles]

Ta-da!

[bleep].

What is wrongwith this thing?

- I think you should go.

- No, no, I'm gonna fix this

because I amyour fairy [bleep] godmother

and I'm gonna do it.

Abracadabra and--

Yes!

I turned a popkininto a pumpkin.

- Dad!

- Wait, shh.

- Dad!

- Shh, shh. Wait, wait.How old is your dad?

- Ugh. I don't know,in his 40s?

- Oh, well, that's too old.

27 is my limit.

I have a boyfriend,so I'm gonna go.

Toodle--[crashes]

- Dad!

- Wait, wait, wait, but first,

we got to make that dressreal pretty for the ball.

- Sha-slam!

- [groaning]

- Oh. Whoopsie!

[phone ringing]

[phone beeps]- Hello.

- Yo, where are you?We're still raging.

- Damn! I will be right there,Doug! Got me?

I just had to help this littlegirl get ready for the ball.

You're welcome.

[window opens]

Oh. [screams]

[laughs]

- Dad!

- What is it, pumpkin?

Pumpkin!

- ♪ Three aliens came from the sky ♪

♪ The galactic council sent them ♪

all: ♪ And here'sthe reason why ♪

- ♪ Their mission is to study

♪ Earth's most average guy

all: ♪ See if humansare worth saving ♪

♪ Or if everyone has to die

- Wait, what?

[sighs]

[lively music on TV]Hmm?

- Come to Jamaica.

Surround yourself with just beautiful creatures.

[insects buzzing]

Yeah, mon. Spend your days with beautiful people.

- Direct hit.- Ah, sick!

- Ugh.

- And when you're done snorkeling,

you can go hike through an old growth forest.

- When you're done mopping...- Huh?

- You can clean out these old,weird growths out of the toilet.

- [groans]

[dogs barking]

[groans]

I wish there's just some wayto get away from it all

but still be back here tomorrowfor work.

I mean,I guess I could just get high.

- Wait a second.I got an idea!

[computer beeping]

- Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

- Since our planet isso close to a black hole,

a whole week of vacation there

is only two secondsback on Earth.

- [laughs]Why haven't we done this yet?

Wow. [tranquil music]

- Oh, my God!

It's Jeff, the human!

[all scream]

- You guys know who I am?

- I watch your feed, like,every single night.

- Your boss is such a dick.

- [laughs]Oh, well--

Well, thank you very much.

- Can we take a pictoscan?

- Sure, okay!

Duck face!

[techno music playing]

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.Yes!

all: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!Jeff! Jeff!

- [moaning]

- Wow.

[buzzer]I don't know. [laughs]

[all moaning]

Ah.

Yeah!

[reggae music]

- Oh![laughs]

This is exactly what I needed.

- Hey, Jeff,that girl's looking at you.

Is, uh--is that the oneyou hooked up with last night?

- [groaning]

- [laughs]Come on, guys.

The chick last nightwas a perfect ten.

She had a bangin' body,short blonde hair,

and she did this movewith her tongue piercing--

Oh, my God. [laughs]- Jeff!

- Oh!- Um, we need to talk.

- Dude, did you use a condom?

- Of course.

- Okay, good, good, good.

A space condom, right?

- What the hell is that?- [screams]

- Oh, my God!

No, I can't handlethis kind of responsibility!

- [screams]- [gasps]

[all crying]- You're going to help me

take care of our children,right, Jeff?

- Uh...

- Not before he takes careof our children!

- Oh, my God!

- Welcome to the family, son.

- Huh?

- Now, you listen to me,you little turd.

- [gasps]

- You're gonna come work for me

until you've put these kidsthrough college.

- College?

- Or I'm gonna zap

that irresponsible,raw-dogging dick of yours

right off your body.

- [laughs]- Good news!

He's gonna jointhe family business.

- [chuckles]What's the family business?

all: ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

- [grunting]

Psst, hey, quick question.

Um, what age do most peoplego to college on this planet?

[screams]- No talking!

all: ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa - [sighs]

- Get your feet off of that,okay?

- All right, all right!

- God damn it, Jeff!We already talked about this!

- Get those feetoff of that table!

- Stop it!Stop yelling at me!

all: ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa - [sighs]

[screams]- No sighing!

all: ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

- [quivers, then screams]- No quivering!

- No excessive whipping!

[classical music playing][applause]

- Yes!

Hey, let's getthe [bleep] out of here.

[computer beeping]

- [groaning][door opens]

Oh, there you are, Jeff.

We got a lot of work to do.

The freezer malfunctionedlast night.

There's black mold everywhere--

Jesus Christ!What happened to you?

- I was, uh, on vacation.