Soto, Colonna, Heffron, Harris

  • Season 4, Ep 0412
  • 02/10/2001

John Heffron calls for a ban on glitter, Harland Williams shares a disgusting barbeque recipe, and Sarah Colonna reveals her unusual need for a breathalyzer.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL INSIDE.

NICE AND WARM, ARE YA?

IT'S GOOD TO BE INSIDE, MAN.

I LIKE THE OUTSIDE, THOUGH MAN.

I LOVE TO BARBECUE.

ANY BARBECUE FREAKS IN THE

HOUSE?

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

I CAME OUT WITH A GREAT BARBECUE

RECIPE I WANT YOU ALL TO TRY.

REAL EASY TO PREPARE.

HERE'S WHAT YOU DO:

GO OVER TO YOUR GROCERY STORE,

PICK YOURSELF UP SOME COW

TONGUE, SOME BACON, AND SOME

LOVELY, LOVELY, FRESHLY-CUT

FLANK STEAK.

IT'S MY OWN RECIPE, FRIENDS.

I CALL IT, "LICK MY GREASY ASS!"

(LAUGHTER)

HOW'S IT GOING?

RIGHT ON.

RIGHT ON.

YEAH.

LIKE HE SAID, I'M FROM EL PASO,

TEXAS.

SI, SENOR.

YEAH, BROTHER, I'M FROM RIGHT

THERE, RIGHT ON THE BORDER,

MAN.

BUT HEY, BRO, THERE'S PLACES

IN TEXAS THAT YOU SHOULDN'T GO,

STILL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GOT KICKED OUT OF A DENNY'S

IN DALLAS, BROTHER.

YEAH.

I JUST WALKED IN, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

"HEY BROTHER, HOW'S IT GOING?

CAN I GET SOME PANCAKES?"

"OH?

YOU SAY YOU WANT PANCAKES

PEPITO?

(LAUGHTER)

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, SON.

WE DON'T SERVE BEAN-FLAVORED

PANCAKES, GODDARN IT!"

"HEY, BROTHER, MAN, I CAN GET

THOSE AT HOME!"

THAT'S OUR RACIAL EPITHET,

RIGHT GUYS?

MEXICANS, WE GET THE BEANER.

KINDA CUTE, ISN'T IT?

"HEY, LITTLE BEANER!"

LITTLE GODDARN BEANER EATING

BEANS, GODDARN IT!

EVERYBODY IN MY FAMILY HAD AN

ACCENT, THOUGH.

MY DAD HAD HIS FAVORITE ENGLISH

WORD.

'CAUSE SPANISH WAS HIS FIRST

LANGUAGE, SO WHEN HE CAME UP

WITH ENGLISH, MAN, HE JUST

HOOKED INTO HIS FAVORITE WORD.

"HEY...REGARDLESS."

(LAUGHTER)

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS,

MAN, HE JUST LIKES TO SAY IT.

"HEY...REGARDLESS."

(LAUGHTER)

HE'LL LIKE PUMP IT INTO ANY

SENTENCE, MAN, YOU GOTTA WATCH

HIM.

"MIJO, COME OVER HERE.

LOOK AT THE CHAIR, YOU KNOW,

WE NEED TO SAND IT ON THE SIDE,

REGARDLESS.

AND ON THE BOTTOM, TOO."

(LAUGHTER)

"MAN, DID YOU JUST PUMP IN A

REGARDLESS THERE FOR NO REASON?"

(LAUGHTER)

"NO, REGARDLESS, IT NEEDS IT ON

THE SIDE!"

(LAUGHTER)

I LIKE OUR RACIAL EPITHET,

THOUGH.

"HEY, LITTLE BEANER."

I LOVE IT, DUDE.

EVERYBODY'S GOT ONE, RIGHT?

RACISM IS BOILED DOWN TO THE

FOOD WE EAT, MAN.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

IRISH PEOPLE HAVE THEIR

POTATOES, ITALIANS HAVE THEIR

SPAGHETTI, BLACK PEOPLE HAVE

THE FRIED CHICKEN, WATERMELON.

OH, LOOK HOW QUIET EVERYBODY

GETS ON THAT ONE, HUH?

(LAUGHTER)

YEAH, EVERYBODY LAUGHED AT

THE BEANS, THOUGH, DIDN'T THEY?

BEANS IS COOL.

CHICKEN?

"OH, NEVER HEARD OF IT.

WHAT'S A CHICKEN?

(LAUGHTER)

THE WATERMELON?

HEY, COME ON, GUY.

I'M ON A DATE.

(APPLAUSE)

COME ON, GUYS!

YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE, MAN!

CHINESE PEOPLE HAVE THEIR RICE,

GAY PEOPLE HAVE THEIR CROUTONS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I BETTER NOT PISS THE GAY PEOPLE

OFF, MAN.

WHEN THEY GET MAD, "HEY,

YOU BETTER STOP IT, STUPID,

ALL RIGHT?

NO, YOU'RE STARTING TO GET

STUPID.

YOU BETTER STOP IT, OKAY?"

HEY GUYS, I'M JUST MESSING

BRO.

THERE'S THIS WHOLE MOVEMENT OF

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS, MAN.

"YOU CAN'T DESCRIBE PEOPLE,

FREDDY.

WE'RE ALL JUST PEOPLE.

I'M IN THE HUMAN RACE."

OH MAN, THAT'S SOME REMEDIAL

STUFF, MAN.

I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU SO I

CAN MAKE FUN OF YOU!

ARE YOU THAT SCARED OF

ADJECTIVES, MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

ADJECTIVES DESCRIBE PEOPLE,

PLACES AND THINGS, MAN.

WE GOTTA HAVE 'EM.

"NO, WE'RE JUST PEOPLE."

GOOD, WELL I HOPE YOU GET

MUGGED.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT?

THEN WE'LL SEE WHAT YOU SAY WHEN

IT'S NEGATIVE, RIGHT?

"WHO MUGGED YOU?"

"OH MY GOD, IT WAS A PERSON."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL, WHAT'D HE LOOK LIKE?"

"OH, JUST PEOPLE, REALLY.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE."

THEY'LL HAVE A LABEL FOR YOU,

TRUST ME, BROTHER.

"WHO MUGGED YOU?"

"OH MY GOD, IT WAS A MEXICAN

GANGBANGER.

(LAUGHTER)

HE HAD A BIG TATTOO OF THE

VIRGIN MARY GUADELOUPE ON HIS

THROAT.

THERE WERE 16 PEOPLE IN HIS CAR.

AND 12 MORE ON THE HOOD.

(LAUGHTER)

ALL THE WOMEN WERE IN THE

BACKSEAT HAVING BABIES...

(LAUGHTER)

AND ALL THE CHILDREN WERE TRYING

TO SELL ME CHICKLETS.

(LAUGHTER)

EVERY ONE OF THEM HAD A LEAF

BLOWER AND A LAWN MOWER.

AND THERE WAS A LITTLE DOG THAT

SPOKE SPANISH.

SELLING TACOS FOR 99 CENTS.

THEY WERE DRIVING A T-BIRD WITH

THE DOOR FROM A 280Z.

THEY HAD MATTRESSES ON TOP OF

THEIR CAR.

NO ROPE.

EVERYBODY WAS JUST HOLDING ON

WITH ONE ARM."

(LAUGHTER)

"OH MY GOD, MA'AM, WELL,

THAT'S A NICE PICTURE.

WHAT CALL WAS THE CAR?"

"PRIMER."

(LAUGHTER)

COME ON, GUYS.

SOME PEOPLE GET TENDER,

YOU KNOW?

"WHY YOU GOTTA MAKE IT RACIAL,

MAN?"

"BECAUSE IT'S FUNNY."

(LAUGHTER)

GOTTA REMEMBER WHERE YOU CAME

FROM, BROTHER.

I GREW UP BROKE, MAN.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

GOT BIG ROACHES, MAN, THAT FLEW.

(IMITATES FLYING ROACH)

THEY'D BE IN YOUR SHOE IN THE

MORNING, MAN.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS

HAPPENING.

BEFORE SCHOOL,

(SOUND OF WINGS FLAPPING)

HAVE A ROACH FLY OUT OF YOUR

SHOE, MAN?

MY DAD USED TO STEP ON THE

ROACHES AND THEN HE WOULD JUST

LEAVE 'EM THERE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M LIKE, "DAD, WANNA PICK IT

UP, MAN?

WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN!"

"NO.

LEAVE IT.

SO THE OTHER ONES KNOW WHAT'S

WAITING FOR 'EM!"

(LAUGHTER)

I SEE YOU IN THE CRACK!

I SEE YOU IN THE CRACK!

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

LET'S GO.

I'VE GOT SHOES.

LET'S DO IT!"

"DAD, MAN, YOU CAN SPRAY 'EM."

"YEAH.

I COULD GIVE 'EM CANDIES.

HERE."

"NO, MAN, PUT A ROACH MOTEL."

"WHY?

THEY'RE ALREADY LIVING IN MY

HOUSE!

OH, HERE'S THE KEYS TO MY CAR!

DRIVE AROUND!"

I USED TO PUSH IT WITH MY DAD,

MAN.

USED TO TRY TO--

(LAUGHS)

USED TO TRY TO COME HOME DRUNK,

MAN, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

THEY'LL HAVE YOU DOING CHORES

THE NEXT DAY, MAN.

MY DAD LOVED TO SEND ME TO LOOK

FOR STUFF BUT HE NEVER TOLD ME

WHERE IT WAS.

LIKE EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS JUST

"RIGHT THERE."

"DAD, WHERE IS IT?"

"WELL, IF YOU LOOK, IT'S RIGHT

THERE."

(LAUGHTER)

"WELL WHERE, DAD?"

"OH, NEXT TO THE LEFT."

(LAUGHTER)

"NEXT TO THE WHAT, MAN?"

"(BLEEP), IF YOU DON'T SEE IT ON

THE LEFT, THEN LOOK MORE

LEFTER."

"'MORE LEFTER''S NOT A WORD,

MAN."

"WELL I'M NOT IN SCHOOL,

MR. ROGER'S, ALL RIGHT?

NOW LOOK ON TOP OF THE THING

BY THE SIDE ON THE MIDDLE.

(LAUGHTER)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

...ON TOP OF THE THING TO THE

LEFT OF THE MIDDLE!

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

NO, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING...

(LAUGHTER)

NO, YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT ON

PURPOSE, OH, IF IT WAS YOUR

FRIENDS THAT YOU GOT DRUNK WITH,

'OH, I FOUND IT!

(LAUGHTER)

OH, LET ME LOOK HARDER FOR YOU,

CHARLIE!

LOOK HOW I FOUND IT!

I LOVE YOU!'"

"DAD, I JUST DON'T SEE IT, MAN."

"YOU BETTER SEE IT.

IF I GO THERE AND I SEE IT,

I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU SEE IT NOW, YOU BETTER

HIDE IT...

REGARDLESS."

THANK YOU, GUYS, VERY MUCH.

YOU HAVING FUN SO FAR?

ISN'T THIS FUN?

ALL RIGHT!

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT AFTERWARDS,

HAVE SOME DRINKS, SO IF YOU GET

BEHIND THE WHEEL OF YOUR CAR...

ALL RIGHT!

GREAT!

THAT'S FABULOUS!

GREAT.

A FRIEND OF MINE JUST GOT A DUI,

THAT'S WHY I BRING THIS UP,

AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD

WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW,

BUT THEY'RE REALLY CRACKING

DOWN.

THEY PUT THIS DEVICE ON YOUR CAR

NOW, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS?

YOU HAVE TO BREATHE INTO IT,

AND IF IT DETECTS ALCOHOL ON

YOUR BREATH, YOUR CAR DOESN'T

START.

IT'S VERY BIZARRE, I THINK,

BUT IT'S QUITE A LITTLE OBJECT,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I THINK I COULD REALLY

USE ONE OF THOSE FOR SOMETHING

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,

MY TELEPHONE.

YOU KNOW?

SO THAT WHEN I GET HOME AT 3:00

IN THE MORNING AND, UH,

I GO TO PICK UP ON THE PHONE AND

IT DETECTS ALCOHOL ON MY BREATH,

IT JUST SHUTS OFF, YOU KNOW,

BEFORE I CALL EVERY MAN THAT

I'VE EVER MET.

GOD!

IT IS GETTING OUT OF HAND!

SO I HAVE SOMETHING THAT

I DISCOVERED TODAY THAT KINDA

SHOCKED ME.

HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS, FOLKS.

UH, I'M NOT PERFECT.

YEAH.

I DISCOVERED THIS, YOU KNOW,

I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR SO

LONG THAT I WAS SO BUSY POINTING

OUT HIS FAULTS, I DIDN'T REALLY

REALIZE I HAD ANY OF MY OWN.

BUT TODAY I FOUND OUT I AM

BROKE.

THAT SEEMS TO BE MY BIGGEST

PROBLEM.

LIKE I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY

MONEY.

AND I DON'T WANT A LOT,

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT A LOT.

JUST A LITTLE.

TO AFFORD THOSE FINER THINGS

IN LIFE I SEE OTHER FOLKS HAVE.

PROBABLY LIKE YOU GUYS HAVE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE FOOD.

AND, UH, GAS FOR MY CAR SO I CAN

DRIVE IT AROUND LIKE TWICE MORE

BEFORE THEY REPOSSESS IT.

BRAND-NAME VODKA.

REALLY.

THAT'S ALL I WANT.

SO THEN YOU GET ALL DEPRESSED,

YOU KNOW, AND YOU WANT TO EAT.

BUT OUT HERE IN L.A., ISN'T

THERE-- WOMEN, ARE YOU WITH ME?

THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE

TO REMAIN THIN OUT HERE.

MEN JUST RUN AROUND LIKE,

"MMM, GIVE ME THEM LITTLE SKINNY

BITCHES!"

THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "AHH!"

(LAUGHTER)

THEY JUST WANT YOU TO LOOK

HUNGRY, YOU KNOW?

AND I CAN'T DIET LIKE A NORMAL

PERSON, YOU KNOW!

I HAVE TO EAT-- SO WHAT I DO

WHEN I WANT TO DIET, I GO ON

THOSE DIET SHAKE DRINK THINGS,

YOU KNOW?

YOU DRINK LIKE THREE OF THEM

A DAY OR WHATEVER.

AND I TELL YOU WHAT.

THEY TOTALLY WORK.

IF YOU HAVEN'T TRIED IT, TRY IT.

THEY TOTALLY WORK.

YOU LOSE WEIGHT ON THEM.

YOU DO PUKE BLOOD DURING

THE FIRST SIX MONTHS, BUT ONCE

THE INITIAL SHOCK WEARS OFF IT'S

REALLY NOT THAT BAD, YOU KNOW.

YOU GET USED TO IT.

AND THEN THE TASTE KINDA GETS

OLD AFTER AWHILE, TOO.

BUT I'M KINDA CREATIVE WITH IT,

SO I'VE JUST STARTED SORT OF

CHASING MINE WITH A LITTLE VODKA

AND THAT'S LIKE, "WHOO!

DRUNK AND SKINNY!"

YOU KNOW?

SO.

UH, PERFORMING AND STUFF LIKE

THAT, I WAS ON THE PHONE TALKING

TO THIS GIRL THAT I'M KINDA

DATING, NOT SURE REALLY,

HAVEN'T HAD THAT CONVERSATION

WITH HER YET.

AND, UH, I HAD ONE OF THOSE

CONVERSATIONS WITH HER THAT

I THINK MOST GUYS HAVE HAD WITH

THEIR LOVED DONE WHERE YOU'RE

CALLING JUST TO SAY HELLO,

AND APPARENTLY YOU'RE FIGHTING.

GUESS WE'VE BEEN FIGHTING FOR

THE LAST THREE DAYS NOW.

THE WORD HAS JUST BEEN PASSED

DOWN TO ME.

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA ASK WHY,

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID

WRONG.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE A CLUE.

DO YOU WANNA HEAR IT?

HERE'S WHAT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL

IN THIS COUNTRY.

READY?

STRIPPERS WHO WEAR THAT GIRL

GLITTER STUFF.

WHY, YOU ASK?

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN AWAY

THE GLITTER.

"WHAT'S WITH ALL THE GLITTER ON

YOU?"

"UH, I WAS MAKING YOU A CARD.

(LAUGHTER)

I LEFT IT AT WORK.

GIVE IT TO YOU TOMORROW."

I'LL TELL YOU THIS, LADIES,

BECAUSE, OOH, I'M NOT DATING

ANY OF YOU.

SO I'LL TAKE THE BULLET FOR YOUR

FELLA.

MIGHT WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS.

GUYS DON'T WANNA TALK.

EVER.

(CHEERING)

WE USED IT UP THE FIRST NIGHT

WE MET YA.

(LAUGHTER)

I WAS ACTUALLY IN THIS

RELATIONSHIP AND I THOUGHT

SHE WAS GONNA BE THE ONE,

I REALLY THOUGHT, 'CAUSE I KINDA

WANTED TO GET MARRIED, TO GET MY

FIRST MARRIAGE OUT OF THE WAY.

AND IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

AND WE WERE IN ONE OF THOSE

RELATIONSHIPS THAT BOTH OF US

NEEDED TO GET OUT OF,

BUT WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO BREAK

UP BECAUSE BREAKING UP IS HARD

TO DO.

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO START A

COMPANY THAT'LL BREAK UP FOR

YOU.

YOU DON'T GOTTA DO NOTHIN'.

YOU HIRE US, SOMEBODY SHOWS UP

AT THEIR PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT

WITH LIKE A DELIVERY OUTFIT ON,

A CLIPBOARD.

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

ARE YOU RUTH?

HEY LOOK, IT'S NOT YOU,

IT'S HIM.

SIGN THIS."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE DONE!

ACTUALLY, I HAD TO DO THE END OF

HAD TO SEE HOW MUCH STUFF OF

HERS I MIGHT HAVE LAYING AROUND,

OR HOW MUCH STUFF OF MINE

I'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN EVER.

WOMEN USUALLY MAKE OUT A LITTLE

BIT BETTER AT THE END OF

THE RELATIONSHIP THAN GUYS DO.

AND THAT'S NOT A SEXIST

STATEMENT EITHER, LADIES,

SO DON'T EVEN GIMME THAT "TSS"

TICK.

I HATE THAT TICK.

(LAUGHTER)

"TSS."

YOU LEARN THAT AT THAT SCHOOL

YOU GO TO.

"TSS TSS."

KNOW WHAT THAT TICK IS, GUYS?

THAT TICK IS THAT 45 MINUTE

"YOU'RE AN ASS" SPEECH

ALL ROLLED UP IN ONE.

KNOW WHY I HATE THE TICK?

BECAUSE AS A GUY YOU CAN NEVER

USE THE TICK.

THAT TICK'LL NEVER GET YOU OUT

OF ANY SITUATION.

YOU CAN'T BE AT A BAR AND LIKE

BUMP INTO SOME GUY AND KNOCK

THE BEER OUT OF HIS HAND AND

HAVE THAT GUY GO "TSS."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU JUST TICKED ME."

ALL RIGHT, I TOTALLY DON'T HAVE

A SEGUEWAY FOR THIS JOKE,

THAT'S WHY I WISH I WAS IN A

BAND, AND I COULD JUST TELL YOU

A LITTLE BIT HOW I WROTE IT,

AND THEN DO IT.

SO, I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY.

SO I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU A LITTLE

BIT HOW I WROTE MY NEXT JOKE.

I WAS AT A GAS STATION ONCE,

AND, UH, WELL, HOPE YOU ENJOY.

1-2, 1-2-3-4.

SO I'M AT A GAS STATION, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S DESIGNING

GAS PUMPS, BUT THEY NEED TO

STOP.

GAS PUMPS ARE TOO--

THERE'S TOO MUCH COMPUTERIZED

CRAP GOING ON.

I HATE THE FACT THAT WHEN I GET

OUT OF MY CAR, I LOOK AT THE

PUMP, I HIT ALL THE WRONG

BUTTONS IN THE WRONG SEQUENCE,

AND IT SAYS, "SEE CASHIER

'CAUSE YOU'RE A JERK!"

AND I GOTTA WALK IN THERE AND

THE GUY'S GOTTA RE-AUTHORIZE IT,

AND I WALK BACK.

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO HIT ALL

THE BUTTONS AT THE RIGHT TIME

OR YOU DON'T GET YOUR GAS.

YOU GOTTA, LIKE, HIT THE PUSH

BUTTON, PUT UP YOUR CARD, SLIDE

YOUR CARD IN--PICK IT UP, QUICK!

YOU GOTTA FIND THE G-SPOT

ON THE PUMP, I DON'T HAVE TIME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMEONE'S LIKE, "HEY JOE,

WANNA GO OUT TONIGHT?"

"NO, CAN'T.

GOT A BIG TEXACO EXAM I GOTTA

STUDY FOR."

(LAUGHTER)

AND THOSE QUESTIONS HAVE NOTHING

TO DO WITH GAS!

THEY'RE JUST SELLING YOU STUFF!

IT'S LIKE, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO

PAY CREDIT?"

"NO."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY CASH?"

"WELL, SAID 'NO' TO CREDIT,

SO UNLESS YOU'RE TAKING--

YES, CASH!"

"WOULD YOU LIKE A CAR WASH?"

"NO."

"THE MALE LLAMA HAS FIVE

STOMACHS."

"FALSE."

"WOULD YOU LIKE AN INSTANT

TICKET?"

"NO."

"THERE ARE 12 STAGES IN MAZOL'S

HIERARCHY OF NEEDS."

(LAUGHTER)

"MAN, THAT WASN'T ON THE

SYLLABUS.

AND IF I GET THIS WRONG I DON'T

GET MY GAS!"

THAT'S WHEN YOU HAVE TO START

LOOKING AT THE PERSON'S PUMP

NEXT TO YOURS.

"DUDE, MOVE YOUR HAND!

WHAT'D YOU GET FOR THE LAST

ONE?"

"PUMP SIX, PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES

ON YOUR OWN PUMP."

(LAUGHTER)