Mummy Dearest

  • Season 2, Ep 210
  • 09/01/2011

Grimes' judgmental mother rises from the dead, and a neglected Randall reconsiders his living situation.

I HOLSTED MY GUN,

WE DISPOSED OF THE BODY.

THAT CONCLUDESTHE MINUTES

FROM LAST WEEK'S MEETING.

ON TO NEW BUSINESS.

[gunshot]- GAH!

- LAST NIGHT MY MOTHER, A MUMMY,AWOKE FROM THE DEAD.

I KNOW.IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

[gunshot]- AHH!

- MOTHER WAS ALWAYS DISAPPOINTEDWITH MY LACK OF AMBITION.

SHE DIED THINKING I WASA FAILURE.

SO DURING HER VISIT,

WE'RE GOING TO TRICK HER

INTO BELIEVING I'M RUNNINGTHE D.O.I.,

THAT LEONARD IS MY MANSERVANT,

AND THAT CALLIE IS MY BEAUTIFULBUT ICY AND DISTANT WIFE.

- IF YOU THINK I'M SLEEPINGWITH YOU...

- IN EXCHANGEFOR YOUR COOPERATION,

I WANT YOU TO OPEN THE BOXBENEATH YOUR SEAT

AND KEEP WHAT'S INSIDE.

- IT'S LIKE OPRAH'SFAVORITE THINGS!

- THAT'S A PRICELESS ARTIFACT

THAT'S BEEN IN OUR FAMILYFOR CENTURIES.

YOU CAN SELL ITAND BUY YOURSELF A DECENT SKIRT

THAT GOES ALL THE WAYTO THE FLOOR.

- SEX IS BACK ON THE TABLE.

- THE WORLD'S OLDEST WHISKEY.

IT'S NOT FOR DRINKING,OF COURSE.

- [chugging]

- SA-MOOTH!

- THERE'S NOTHING HERE.

[gasping]WAIT, IS IT A CAR?

SHOW ME A PONTIAC AZTEC, OPRAH!

[muffled shouting]

- THEY DON'T MAKETHAT MODEL ANYMORE.

WE'RE ALL AGREEDHE'S A HORRIBLE LIAR.

WE'LL STORE HIM IN THE CLOSETFOR THE DAY.

MMHM.

- MUMMY!WELCOME.

THIS IS WHERE I DOMY IMPORTANT BOSSIFYING.

AH, THE HEADS I'VE LOPPED OFFFROM BEHIND THIS DESK.

- YOUR SON IS A CRUEL EMPLOYER,MADAME.

- LICK MY BOOT,YOU PATHETIC WORM.

- AHH!

- AND MY LOVELY THOUGH COLDWIFE, CALLIE.

YOU'LL NOTICE HER BREASTSARE ENGORGED WITH MILK.

THIS HAPPENSIN THE FIRST TRIMESTER.

YOU'RE GOING TO BEA GRAND-MUMMY.

- WHAT?

- [sniffing]

- SHE'S NOT PREGNANT.

SHE'S FAT.

IS SHE A BEARD?

- DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, MUMMY.

THE MISSUS AND I ARE LIKEA COUPLE OF HORNY TEENAGERS.

LET'S GIVE 'EM A SHOW, TITS.

MM, MM.

- PATHETIC.THAT'S NO WAY TO KISS A MAN.

- AHH!

[gagging]

[coughing and sputtering]

DID YOU CATCH MY TONGUE WORK?

YOU HAVE TO REALLY THRASH AROUNDIN MY BOY'S MOUTH

TO HOLD HIS ATTENTION.

- AND MEET TWAYNE,

THE MENTAL DEFICIENTI KEEP ON HAND

FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

DANCE, FREAK!

[gunshots]

- I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.

YOU'RE A DISGRACE.

LOOK AT THE DREGSYOU SURROUND YOURSELF WITH.

BUT MUMMY'S BACK.

AND FROM NOW ON,SHE'LL BE RUNNING YOUR LIFE,

SINCE YOU CLEARLY CAN'T DO ITFOR YOURSELF.

COME, GIMP.

TO THE NEAREST COCKTAIL LOUNGE!

HEYAH!

- WOW, THAT WAS SOMEBIRTHDAY PARTY.

DOUG CAN REALLY RAGE.

- [sobbing quietly]

- RANDALL, ARE YOU OKAY?

UM, WHAT IS WITH THE CUPCAKE?

- IT'S OUR ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARYOF MOVING IN TOGETHER.

AND YOU FORGOT.

- OH, IS THAT A THING?

- EVERY ROOMMATE COUPLEI KNOW CELEBRATES IT.

- I'M SORRY.

I'VE BEEN CAUGHT UPWITH WORK LATELY.

- NOT "LATELY."ALL THE TIME.

ALL DAY LONG YOU'RE WITH CLASS.

ALL NIGHT LONGYOU'RE WITH CALLIE.

YOU'RE NOT ROOMMATES WITH ME.

YOU'RE ROOMMATES WITH WORK.

- HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

THERE IS NO ONE I'D RATHERLIVE WITH.

- HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?

YOU MIGHT HAVE DETAILED FILESON DOUG AND TOBY,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRSTTHING ABOUT ME.

QUICK, HOW DO I WEAR MY PUBES?

SHAVE, TRIM, OR FULL BUSH?

- NO IDEA.

BUT I DO KNOW YOUR FAVORITECOLOR IS PURPLE.

- GREEN!

I REST MY CASE.

AND FOR THE RECORD,I HAVE A KID 'N PLAY:

KID ON TOP,PLAY ON THE BOTTOM.

BUT I GUESS YOU DON'TREMEMBER THAT,

EVEN THOUGH I WAKE YOU UPEVERY DAY TO SHOW YOU.

- I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

AND I PROMISE I WILL BEA BETTER ROOMMATE

IN YEAR TWO.

[knock at the door]

- FRANCIS, YOU AND YOUR

CIRCUS FREAK ENTOURAGEDON'T HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.

NOW GO FETCH MY BAG BALM

AND MASSAGE MUMMY'S THIGHS.

- YES, MUMMY.

- MRS. GRIMES.

YOUR SON HAS SOMETHINGTO TELL YOU.

- MUMMY, I LIED TO YOU.

I WASN'T RUNNING THE D.O.I.

THIS ISN'T MY MANSERVANT,AND SHE ISN'T MY WIFE.

I'D NEVER [bleep] SOMEONELIKE THAT.

I'M JUST THE LOWLYHEAD OF SECURITY HERE.

BUT I LIKE MY LIFE.

IT FITS ME LIKEAN ITCHY CHRISTMAS SWEATER.

CAN'T YOU BE HAPPY FOR ME?

- FRANCIS, I'M SO SORRY...

- OH, BOY.

THIS--THIS A REAL OPRAH MOMENT.

- SORRY THAT YOU WENT SO SOFTWHILE I WAS GONE.

YOU NEED SOME DISCIPLINE.

- AW!

- YOUR BOTTOMIS COMPLETELY UNSHAVEN.

ARE YOU EVEN FEELING THIS

THROUGH THIS BUTT JUNGLEOF YOURS?

- MUMMY, YOUR REIGN OF GUILT

AND INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHINGMY BATHING SUIT AREA IS OVER.

[gunshot]

- GRIMES, YOU DID IT.

YOU KILLED YOUR MOTHER.

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- FEEL MY MOTHERLY WRATH!

I SUMMON THE ARMYOF MY ANCESTORS

TO TEACH MY SON A LESSON.

[all shouting]

- WHAT ARE WE DOINGAT THE TODAY SHOW?

AND WHY DID YOU INSISTI DRESS LIKE THIS?

- IT'S ALWAYS BEENA PERSONAL GOAL OF MINE

TO APPEAR ON THE TODAY SHOW.

- HUH?

- AND THEY ALWAYS TALKTO VETERANS AND THEIR NURSES.

- BUT I'M NOT A VETERAN.

- HEY, MAN, IF YOU DON'T WANTTO HELP ME, I TOTALLY GET IT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKEI'M A FLOATING BRAIN

WITH A FEAR OF HEIGHTS

OR A FISH-MANWHO CAN'T SWIM.

- NO, I WANT TO HELP.

THIS JUST SEEMS A LITTLE WEIRD.

- HELLO, SOLDIER.

PRIVATE LAUER HERE,

THANKING YOUFOR YOUR SERVICE.

- TELL US ABOUT HOW YOULOST THE USE OF YOUR LEGS.

- DON'T RUIN MY DREAM.

- WELL, PRIVATE LAUER,I WAS SERVING IN COUNTRY.

AND, YEP, GOT INJUREDWHEN CHARLIE JUST OPENED FIRE,

OPENED UP THE FIRE.

IT WAS BAD.

- WELL, HIS CAREGIVER HASA LOT OF WAR STORIES HIMSELF.

I MEAN, HIS CATHETER ALONE,TALK ABOUT A QUAGMIRE.

I MEAN, TALK ABOUT,

"WE SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUTA YEAR AGO."

- BACK OFF, PAL.

THIS IS HIS MOMENT.

JUST LOOK INTO THAT CAMERARIGHT THERE

AND SAY, "WE'LL BE RIGHT BACKAFTER THESE MESSAGES."

- THAT'S MY LINE!

THIS MAN IS A FRAUD.

I TAKE ONE MORNING OFF, THEWHOLE PLACE FALLS APART.

[ominous shouting]

UH...

[whimpering]

OH, SNAKES, NO!

[whimpering]

CALLIE!

[all shouting]

- AH, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!

- COME HERE.

HMM!

- AFTER EVERYTHING WE SHARED,

THE JOKES, THE GOOD TIMES,THIS STOLEN HOTEL DRESSER.

YOU'VE HURT MEFOR THE LAST TIME, MARK LILLY.

- KNOCK, KNOCK.

- YAH!

OH.

- I BELIEVE THIS IS YOURS.

THIS IS GINNY AND APRIL.

HOLD ON.I WANT TO DO THIS IN ONE BREATH.

THEY'RE A LESBIAN COUPLEWHO ADOPTED TWINS

AND ARE INTERESTED IN THE PLACE.

[coughing and sputtering]I DID IT.

[sighs]

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOUR LEASE DOESN'T RUN OUTFOR ANOTHER FOUR HOURS.

THIS PLACE HAS TOO MANY GHOSTS.

- NO SURPRISE THERE,

WHAT WITH ALLTHE UNSOLVED MURDERS.

- [gurgling]

- I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVEDISCLOSED THAT.

[frogs chirping]

- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

- GRIMES MOM RELEASED THE TENPLAGUES OF EGYPT ON OUR ASSES!

DRAMA QUEEN OF THE DAMNED!

- YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN PATHETIC,FRANCIS.

THAT'S WHY I TAUGHT YOUTO STUTTER,

SO YOU'D BE TOO ASHAMED

TO DEMONSTRATE YOURS-S-S-STUPIDITY IN PUBLIC.

- TH-TH-TH-THAT'STHE CRUELEST THING

YOU EVER SAID TO ME, MUMMY.

- THAT WOULD BE GRIMES' MOTHER?

- IN BEETLE FORM.

SHE'S A SHAPE-SHIFTING MUMMY.

AND KIND OF A BITCH.

- I HAVE TO SAY,I'M PROUD OF YOUR LOYALTY

TO HELP GRIMES AND DEFENDTHE D.O.I.

- GRIMES IS PAYING US OFF.

- I'M GETTING A PONTIAC AZTEC.

- [chittering]

- [pained moaning]

- YOUR COUNSELING MUMBO JUMBOIS BULLCRAP.

BUT IF THERE EVER WEREA TIME FOR IT,

THIS WOULD BE IT.

- WELL, MY SENIOR THESIS WAS INFAMILY CONFLICT RESOLUTION,

AND THAT SHOULD WORKWITH BEETLES.

- GREAT.WE'LL CREATE A DIVERSION.

TO THE ROOF!

- OKAY THEN.

GRIMES?

Loading...