August 18, 2016 - Jon Stewart

  • 08/18/2016

The Nightly Show wraps up with a surprise visit from Jon Stewart and a retrospective chat between Larry and his contributors.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much,thank you!

(audience members whistling)

Thank you very much.

Aw. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

-Please...-(audience chanting "Larry")

Thank you. I appreciate it.

Please have a seat.

Thank you.Welcome to The Nightly Show.

You're very kind,you're very kind.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: We love you!-I love you, too.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:We love you!

And-and I "ruv" you,as well, okay?

But I'm Larry Wilmore,your next host for the next, uh,

well, 29 minutesand 31 seconds, at this point.

Now let me just say,it's never easy

when your television showgets canceled.

But I have to tell you, for me,

there has been a silver lining,you guys.

All the free booze.

It's true. Really.

No, really.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Samantha Bee's show sent over

some, like, cases of wine,right?

And then, uh, and thenStephen Colbert sent over

an amazing assortmentof liquor, right?

Okay, all right, all right,so earlier today,

I could barely containmy excitement

when I received the wordthat a package had arrived

from our friendsat The Daily Show.

Then I opened it up.

(laughter)

Seriously?

Pastries, guys?

How am I going to get wasted

eating a stupidalmond croissant?

I passed out eating these,but...

Now, let me just say,John Oliver sent over this.

(cheers and applause)

That's how you do it, Daily Show.

I get it, Last Week Tonight has a whole week to figure out

what they're going to send,

so it's really not fairto compare.

I get it, I get it.

I understand.

Okay, now, we've taken on a lotof controversial topics

over the last 20 months.

So, you know, I thought we'd endon something

that every man, woman and childcan agree upon.

Ellen DeGeneresis a pure delight.

-Okay?-(cheers and applause)

I think, I think we canall agree on that.

(sighing):Although,

not everyone seemsto think so right now.

TV REPORTER:Entertainment Weekly reports

on Ellen DeGeneres defending herself

against accusations of racism.

It stemmed from an edited photo she tweeted

showing her and Usain Bolt.

She wrote, "This is how I'm running errands from now on."

Some on social media accused DeGeneres

of comparing Bolt to a mule.

For more on theEllen-Usain controversy,

let's check in with The Nightly Show contributor Robin Thede.

Hey, Robin.

(cheers and applause)

-What's going on, Robin?-Where am I?

Wait, wait, Larry, Larry, Larry,I'm in Antigua.

Are we supposed to be working?

Um, uh, yeah, Robin.

-It's, uh...-Oh, oops.

Yeah, there is, there is no wayI'm going to make it back

in time for panel, so, uh, hey,man, just, uh,

call me when you getanother show, okay?

Bye.

What?

Bye?

Wait, Rob...

Wh-What was that?

All right, okay, fine.

Well, then, please welcome Nightly Show contributor

Franchesca Ramsey.

Franchesca, yeah.

(applause)

All right, what have you got,Franchesca?

Sorry, Larry, I'm in the middleof doing a Skype interview.

(laughter)

Franchesca,we're in the middle of a show.

I-I need your takeon the Ellen-Usain Bolt.

Uh... I can't believe this.

Um, all right.

Uh, it's racist, yeah, racist.

Can I go?

(laughter)

Yeah, I guess.

Thanks for your help.

Good Lord.

Well, you know what?I guess, let's check in

with Grace Parraand Jordan Carlos, there you go.

-Hey, guys.-(cheering, applause)

All right, so...

so what's your take,uh, what's your take on this...

what the hellare you guys doing?

-What is that?-Well, we just heard we were

supposed to have a take on this,like, three minutes ago.

Yeah, so we were gonna recreatethe Usain-Ellen photo,

but this isall they had left in wardrobe.

Yeah. Go ahead, (bleep) fire us.

-Yeah, do it, Wilmore. Do it!-(cheering, applause)

-Very nice. Very nice.-I dare you!

No, you know... you knowI can't fire you. You know...

All right, fine, you know what,all right, you know what,

Holly Walker, can youhelp a brother out here, please?

-Holly Walker.-(cheering, applause)

Oh, wh... Huh?

Holly, where are you?

Are-are you in bed?

Uh, I-I'm sorry, Larry,are-are we still working?

Yes, we...

Holly, we stillhave a show to do.

We're not done,this is our last show...

Holly, i-is there someone with you in there?

ALBANESE:No, nobody here, nobody here.

Oh, (bleep). Rory.

-Come on, Larry. Come on, man.-(cheering, applause)

This has been, like...

this whole thing has beena "will they, won't they," man.

-And guess what-- they will.They will. -Yeah. A lot!

-Oh, they will. Yeah. Bye!-A lot! Bye!

I cannot believe this.All right, okay, fine, fine.

Nobody wantsto work today, fine.

It's the last day. I guessit's up to me, then. Anyway...

Oh, okay-- so, did you guyssee what Trump's spokesman said

on CNN yesterday?

Oh... oh, my God,this was unbelievable.

I thought I had seen it allin their... in their, like,

non-answeringof-of questions, right?

-You know, um...-(cheering, applause)

Oh!

Oh, my God.Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

-Hey! What are you doing?-Nothing.

-What are you doing? -I...

-You took...-I was gonna take some stuff.

-You're taking my (bleep)?-All right.

Jon... It's Jon Stewart.

How you doing, man?How you doing?

-(cheering, applause continuing)-Good to see you.

-Jon Stewart, everybody.-Hey, buddy.

-Have a seat.-What did I miss?

-You, uh, you misseda lot, man. -What did I miss?

-What's going on?-Uh...

-What are we doing next week?-It's, uh, you know,

-i-it's the last show. I'mtrying to do... -The last show?

-Yes, the last show. -Oh, myGod, what, did you piss off

Peter Thiel?What happened?

Is that... Did he... Is his...Does revenge no know bounds?

-No, it knows no bounds, Jon.-It knows no bounds.

-No bounds. -Uh, I-I just-I justdecided to stop by...

-Oh, cool.-and tell you I love you.

-Oh. -And I-I...-AUDIENCE: Aw.

And may I say something else?If-if I may?

-Sure. You... No, you may.-Do you have I moment?

-Take the moment.-Thank you. Uh...

Jon Stewart, everyone.

-(cheering, applause)-No, I just want to say...

-No, very quickly...-Mm-hmm? Yeah.

Uh, I have beenin situations in, uh,

what we call show business,television, where they have,

-uh, my name has beenon the show. -Yes.

And they've, uh,what-what do you call their...

-locked the door...-Yes.

and-and told me to, uh...

uh, this wasa Paramount executive:

"Get your (bleep) and get out."

-Right. -And, uh,a very wise man said to me...

-Mm-hmm. -uh,

do not confusecancellation with failure.

-And I took that to heart.-(cheering, applause)

Yeah.

So, I will say this:

what you, my friend,were tasked to do,

you have done,and done beautifully.

-You, uh...-(cheering, applause)

You gave voice... you gave voice

to-to underserved voices

in the media arena,

and you did it...It was a show that was raw

and poignant and funny and smart

-and all of those things. -Thankyou. -(cheering, applause)

And... you did it from scratch.

And what-what youand Rory and Robin

and yourtremendous collaborators

and Dre in the booth and...

You took somethingand got better

-every (bleep) day.-Oh, man.

-(cheering) -That's so nice.Thanks, Jon. -Every one.

Thank you.

And I think that, uh...

Uh, we talked abouta little thing called...

uh, I guess the words-some would use is "resonance."

Did you resonatewith-with an audience?

I would say not-not only that

but in an important way,but in a way

that you don't even realize yetand won't reveal itself

-for years to come,and it's this: -Mm-hmm.

you started a conversation

that was not on televisionwhen you began.

And you worked with a groupof people

who you invitedto that conversation

to collaborate with you,to sharpen that conversation.

And what you don't realize is,you walk out of this room

and that conversationdoesn't end.

And all the peoplethat you work with

are gonna takewhat they learned here

and what they learned from you

and the beautiful experiencethat they had,

and you're gonna startto see them doing things

in the business as well

and taking thatand taking other experiences

and you're gonna watch thatflourish.

And that's gonna have you on it.

-Well, thank you so much, Jon.That's very kind. -And your DNA.

And-and that'sa beautiful thing.

And so, in closing,

-Yes.-I want to say to you this:

you did it, my...

-Jon. No, no.-Wait. My...

-No, Jon. No, you can't say...-You did it, my...

-No, you can't... you can't saythe... -my-my mishpocha.

-What?-Yeah. That's nice.

That works. That works.

-I love you, man. -Jon Stewart!Thank you. I love you, too.

-You did a great job.-Thank you so much.

-Really great job.-Thank you.

-Thank you so much, Jon.-Great. Thank you.

-Oh, man. -Thank you.-(cheering and applause)

You're the man. Thank you, Jon!That was perfect!

All right. Welcome back!

Now, one of the thingsthat made our show so special

was our diverse castof contributors.

And overour year-and-a-half run here,

we definitely had some funwith them.

So take a look.

-Hey, it's the Nightly Show contributors. -Hey! Yeah!

-Leave your homes immediately!-Now!

Okay? Do not takeyour valuables!

Leave 'em!

Darnell Thelonious Lewis,you put that TV down right now!

Meet TV's hottest new fictionalcharacter, O.J. Simpson.

WOMAN:♪ Nightly! Nightly!

-Obama, Obama, Obama, Obama!-Wait, wait...

I'm getting a Black Friday boner

-just thinking about it.-Okay, hold on.

Kim Jong, uh, uh,gets a lot of criticism.

-Well... -But he-he'sactually a normal guy.

-What?-And he's sup-super chill.

If Lemonade was about you,Piers Morgan,

it would have been called Metamucil.

-Stop sending us dildos!-Yes.

The penalty must be death!

-No (bleep).-Okay.

-USA! USA! That's right.-Um...

What happened in Benghaziwas a tragedy,

and Hillary Clintonstill has not answered for it.

-(moaning)-Uh... Oh, my God!

♪ It's an amazing time to vote

♪ As long as you votefor Cruz. ♪

-Uh, uh, hold on...-Yeah!

There's a real special placein hell for a woman

who doesn't support womenwho make their own damn choices.

(Cockney accent):Hi! What-o, Larry?!

-Hey, Nigel!-Yeah, that's right.

Hi, I'm Julianne Moore.

It's just-a me, Larry, Mario!

This isn't the '50s. You can'tshove that mess down my throat.

That's what she said.

I have to gobecause my friend is having

-a My Little Pony birthday party-Oh.

and they have a Slip 'N Slide,so, you know, priorities.

What did you say to me, Larry?

-I can't get... I can't findmy mouth. -No. -WILMORE: Grace.

Rory will be againstthe no-fly list,

and Mike will be in flavorof stripping Muslims citizens

-of their rights and dignity,okay? -Sounds good.

Well, Jesus Christ, no!

-Sounds good.-And... begin.

(cheers and applause)

(theme show music plays)

(cheering)

All right, please welcome

the Nightly Show contributorsGrace Parra.

(cheers and applause)

And Franchesca Ramsey!

-(cheers and applause)-Hey.

Jordan Carlos!

-(cheers and applause)-Jordan.

Robin Thede.

(cheers and applause)

Sorry. That was Holly Walker.Now Robin Thede.

-Come on out, Robin.-(applause and cheering)

And Rory Albanese!

-Yeah! -WILMORE: There we are.-(cheers and applause)

-WILMORE: Yeah.-We did it!

We did it! (whoops)

Syndication, baby.

-We got it!-No. Rory, no. -No, no, no, no!

-Rory, no.-We did not. We did not.

-We did not get syndication.-No, we didn't get syndication.

-That did not... -What are wecelebrating? -No, Rory.

-We're cancelled. -CARLOS:No, we're not. It's over.

-You grew that mustache...-(whoops) We're cancelled!

-(Albanese whoops)-Yes.

Mike Yard and Ricky Velez sadly

could not be with ushere tonight.

They've been detainedby Brazilian authorities

for some (bleep) storythey told about...

(laughter)

...getting carjackedor something.

Uh, but they hadprevious engagements.

I just want to sayhow great it was working

-with all of you guys.-Mm. -Oh.

I have never workedwith a funnier,

sicker, darker groupof human beings.

-Thank you.-(applause and cheering)

And I meanthat in every way possible.

-In every way imaginable.-We're actually dark.

-CARLOS: Yeah.-Oh, yes.

So cheers to all of you guys.I want to say thanks.

And when we come back,here's what we're gonna do.

When we come back,we're gonna share some stories

and do a little drinking,

-and, uh, I don't know.Who knows? -Yeah.

And, uh, I'll tell you what.As we go out,

here's a little messagefrom Mike Yard.

Hey, y'all.So what do you say

when you lose your dream jobthe day before

you're about to goon your dream vacation?

How the hell am I gonna payfor all this (bleep)?

So, Larry, listen,can a brother hold something

till I get back on my feet?

All right, welcome back.

I'm herewith all the contributors--

Franchesca Ramsey,Holly Walker, Rory Albanese,

Robin Thede, Jordan Carlosand Grace Parra.

-(Carlos sighs) -All right,so we're just having fun...

-Yeah, man.-...having some drinks.

-CARLOS: Kicking it.-Shooting the shiznit.

Does anybody wantto share any favorite moments,

or recollectionor fun stuff that...?

People like to knowwhat happened behind the scenes.

Does anybody havea good behind-the-scenes...?

-Oh, man. -I've got a reallygood writers' room moment.

-Oh! -Oh, writers...Oh, careful, right?

-Do it. -Mm.-We had a...

We had a storythat we didn't get onto the air.

Maybe it could have saved us.

-WILMORE: Oh, yeah.-(laughter)

-Yeah.-It was about a guy

who got caughtjerking off a dolphin.

-WILMORE: Right. Yeah.-CARLOS: Oh, yeah.

THEDE: I thoughtit did air, did it not?

We watched this clipso many times in the room,

-and it was really,really pain... -WILMORE: Right.

Some people were into it. Rory.

-ALBANESE: Yeah.-CARLOS: Well...

Hey, I'm not gonna lie.

It was a good-looking dolphin.You know what I mean?

THEDE: The worst part isyou have beer foam

-in your mustache.-I know. -You got a...

That sounds morelike the best part.

PARRA:Wait. I have a question.

-Rory, how many mustaches do youhave? -THEDE: Yes. How many

do you own? How manyhave you worn on this show?

-Rory has a lot of mustaches.-I don't own any.

-Comedy Central is paying forall my mustaches. -(laughter)

I don't know what I'm gonna do

now that I don't have a binderfull of mustaches.

-RAMSEY: There is...-But my whole attitude is

why would you notalways wear a mustache?

-Yeah.-It doesn't make any sense.

Like, every... why wouldn'tevery character have a mustache?

-It's just simple math.-It's so fun.

RAMSEY: Some of us don't getto choose to have mustaches.

Well, you know,hey, you're the one.

-Some of us had theirs laser...-I don't see gender.

-You know what I mean?I don't know. -(laughter)

But I love... I love that, uh,

Rory somehow always goes forthose '70s bushy porn mustaches.

-Yeah. -Yeah. Again.It's called the right choice.

(laughter)

THEDE: We're like, "Rory,you're playing a six-year-old

in this... in this piece,and you're like,

-I don't care.-"Gonna need a 'stache!"

But you havea porn-stache book, right?

Well, it's not a book, you know.It's more of a collection.

Yeah. It's a graphic novel.

-It's a graphic...-By the way, we did get

the, uh, the dolphin-jerkingthing we did get on the show.

We just had to blur it a lot,because apparently,

-you can't show bestialityon TV. -Oh, that reminds me!

-There was another good...-WILMORE: Well, a-apparently.

-I don't know. -You probably shouldn't show bestiality...

-(laughter)-on TV.

Hey, I don't... I don't runthe network, you know?

You know what the good part?So, a lot of times

our audience gets to see thingshere uncensored

-that we have to censor for TV.-Yeah. Right.

So, when Lenny Kravitz's dickfell out-- remember that?

-Oh, yeah. Right.-Yes.

-Who can forget?-We showed it on a loop.

-It was on a loop. It wason a loop. -It was fantastic.

One of my favorite moments,this was behind the scenes,

that, Jordan Carlos,you probably don't know about.

-(bleep) -Oh!-We actually taped

a Food Desert, and it wasabsolutely fantastic.

I loved it and...But, uh, we gave Jordan

this huge tomato to eat,

and, uh, so he bit into it--

it's, like,the climactic moment--

and he bit into it,

and the second bitewe had what we needed,

-Right. -and then we startedtalking about the next shot,

-Yes. -and we were like,so should we do this,

should we do that, and Jordan'sstill eating this tomato,

and he's just like...(loud chomping)

And we would, like, talk, talk,talk, ta-talk, talk, talk,

and then we turned,we were like, "Oh (bleep)!

-Cut! Cut! Cut!"-(laughter)

Can I say something now?Can I say something now?

-Yes. -Because I'm a (bleep)professional, okay?

(laughter)

-(audience whooping)-I just keep going

until the giant heirloom tomatois eaten!

-Method Man, that's me.-And the weird thing is

-he's definitely allergicto tomatoes. -I am.

-It was weird. It was weird.-I am.

My body broke out into hives.

I think oneof my favorite things,

and you saw it in that clip,was when, uh--

Grace, by the way, can writea song in, like, 45 seconds.

You've never... I'm not lying.

-You've never seen anythinglike it. -(clapping)

-Thank you.-No, and it doesn't matter.

You'd be like, yeah,we need a song about this,

and she's like,"Give me ten seconds."

And, uh, she came downto Larry's office with Jordan,

just with a guitar, and we werelike, "What are you guys doing?"

She's like, "Think I got alittle something for you guys."

I actually have video of youjust sitting on Larry's couch

like, la, la, la, singing,I was like,

this is the greatest dayof my life.

Remember it was all songparodies that we couldn't use

'cause we couldn't licenseany of the songs?

-Yeah.-It was all, like, Sam Smith,

and I don't knowwhat else we were doing.

Uh, there was that,there was, uh...

-It was, like, Bruno Mars.-Bruno Mars.

-Oh, the Weekend.-The Weekend, yes.

So, and-and we had gone...you guys had gone all day,

-Mm-hmm. -rehearsing itwith the popular songs,

-Right. -and then 15 minutesbefore taping, they were like,

"Hey, can you changeall the melodies?"

-Right! What you saw...-And you did.

We did. And what you sawin that sketch,

we'd written literally15 minutes before we taped that.

We never rehearsed it,never rehearsed it.

Grace actually did a songin our office today.

'Cause I just picked upmy phone,

and I was like, "Give me a songabout your guitar,"

'cause she hadto say good-bye to it,

-Right.-and she hit a song immediately.

It's super cute. It's, like,

ALBANESE: Wait, you guys...you guys have an office?

-Yeah.-(laughter)

-Actually... -You havean office? You have an office?

-(several talking at once)-What the hell, man?

They're justgiving offices away?

All right, we'll be right back.

But first, a little messagefrom Ricky Velez.

(applause, whooping)

I'm sorry I'm not therefor the last day.

I have to head and do shows,um, in Wisconsin.

So, uh, if you're in Wisconsin,make it out there.

Uh, shameless plug.

Uh, but at the same time,I love you guys.

Thank you so muchfor everything.

And, uh... (bleep)don't think I packed underwear.

I didn't pack underwear.

Thank you.

Uh, before we sign offfor the last time...

uh, thank you.

I just want to say thanks somuch again to Comedy Central

for giving me this opportunity.

Also, thank you to Jon Stewartfor believing in me.

-(cheers and applause)-Um...

Back in the day, Jon, you haveno idea what that's meant to me.

And thanks to our amazing staff,cast and crew who've worked

so hard every dayto bring you this show.

You guys are the best.

You really are.

Thank you.

And I want to especiallythank our fans

who have been just amazing.

The outpouring of loveand support this week

has been overwhelming.

And even the haters, yourpassion is fantastic, guys.

It is.

It is.Let me tell you something,

never undervaluethe passion of a hater.

(laughing):Right?

Now, before each show, I havea Q and A with the audience,

and the number onequestion I get is,

"Why is your map upside down?"

Right?

And I always say,

"Well, I disagreewith your premise."

(laughter)

Right?

You see, upside downis just an opinion.

If you were floating in space,

the Earth could takeon any orientation.

But, as a culture, we've allagreed with the opinion

that the world should be seenin a certain way.

So, at The Nightly Show, our chief mission

was to disagreewith that premise

and to see the world in a way...

(applause)

Thank you.

(chuckles)

And to see the world in a way

that may not makeeverybody comfortable.

And to present it with a castof people who don't always

get to have a voice on that.

So...

(cheers and applause)

On that front, I feel thatwe've been very successful.

And I couldn't be prouderof what we accomplished.

So, once again, thank youso much for allowing me

into your, uh, homes andof course it's the last episode,

and I got to keep it a hundred.

(cheers and applause)

So...

So, I'll just say this,I'm not done yet.

(cheers and applause)

Good Nightly, everyone.

(cheers and applause)

MAN: Ooh, sorry.