CC Presents: Kirk Fox

  • Season 12, Ep 19
  • 01/11/2008

YOU EVER JUST SEEN A COUPLEAND SAID,

"WOW, I'D LIKE TO WATCH THEMMAKE LOVE," YOU KNOW?

JUST A REALLY GOOD-LOOKINGCOUPLE.

NOTHING CREEPY.

NOT LIKE YOU'RE GONNA FILM ITAND SELL IT.

JUST LIKE MAN AND WOMAN,ANATOMY --

LET'S JUST WATCH, YOU KNOW?

TODAY, STANDING NEXT TO ABEAUTIFUL WOMAN I HADN'T SEEN.

THERE WAS A COUPLEIN FRONT OF US,

AND I WAS LIKE, "WOULDN'T YOULIKE TO WATCH THEM MAKE LOVE?"

AND SHE SLAPPED MERIGHT IN THE FACE.

IT WAS RIGHT THENTHAT I REALIZED

I WAS JUST LOOKINGAT OUR REFLECTION

IN A STOREFRONT WINDOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS LIKE, "WOW.

LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA BEMAKE-UP SEX FOR THAT."

JOINED A RUSSIANMAIL-ORDER-BRIDE SITE TODAY.

I JUST KIND OF STUMBLED ON IT.

TOOK ABOUT EIGHT HOURS.I FOUND THIS SITE.

THERE WAS LIKE 35,000

OF THE MOST BEAUTIFULRUSSIAN PROSTITUTES

YOU'VE EVER SEEN THAT WANTEDTO MARRY AN AMERICAN.

SO I PUT UP MY HEAD SHOTAND RéSUMé,

AND A HALF-HOUR LATERI GOT 3,200 MARRIAGE PROPOSALS.

I ACCEPTED EVERY ONE OF THEM.

I WROTE BACK, AND I SAID,

"I CAN'T WAITTO COME TO YOUR VILLAGE

AND START MY NEW LIFEIN YOUR COUNTRY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"SHOULD I BRING A HAT,MAYBE A SWEATER?

SOMETHING COOL."

MET DALE CHIHULY TODAY.

NUMBER ONE GLASSBLOWERIN THE WORLD.

HE'S GOT AN EYE PATCH.

HOW GOOD CAN YOU BE IF YOU CAN'TBLOW A DECENT GLASS EYE?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW?

I DON'T GET IT.

IF I HAVE THE ABILITYTO MAKE AN EYE AND I LOSE ONE,

FIRST THING I DO,I MAKE A GODDAMN EYEBALL.

LIKE A SNOW GLOBE.SOMETHING FANTASTIC, YOU KNOW?

SOMETHING WHERE YOU BLINK,

THERE'S LIKE SNOW,A PICTURE, YOU KNOW?

THE GIRLS LOOK AT IT --"WOW, THAT'S A NICE EYE."

"YEAH, WATCH."

CRAZY."I CAN SEE THE OCEAN."

"NO, THAT IS THE OCEAN.

PUT YOUR EAR TO IT.YOU CAN HEAR IT, TOO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOME GUYTRIED TO SELL ME A WATCH

WITH THE LUNAR PHASESOF THE MOON ON IT.

HE'S LIKE,"YOU GOT TO HAVE IT, MAN.

GOT TO KNOWWHAT THE MOON'S DOING."

"REALLY?

ARE YOU TELLING METHE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN LOOKING AT THE MOONAND LOOKING AT MY WATCH

IS 500 BUCKS?

I'LL LOOK UP, YOU KNOW?

IF THERE'S A CLOUD, I'LL WAIT.I GOT TIME, YOU KNOW?"

HE'S LIKE, "YOU GOT TO HAVE IT.

"GOT TO KNOWWHAT THE MOON'S DOING.

EVERYBODY DOES."

NO, YOU DON'T.

THE ONLY PERSONTHAT REALLY NEEDS TO KNOW

WHAT THE MOON'S DOING --MAYBE A WEREWOLF.

THIS GUY NEEDS TO KNOWWHAT THE MOON'S DOING.

ESPECIALLY IF HE'SON A HOT DATE, YOU KNOW?

"LISTEN, I'M GONNA REALLYHAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE."

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,TURN INTO A PUMPKIN?"

"NO, A LOT WORSE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MAYBE AN ASTRONAUT.

THIS GUY NEEDS TO KNOWWHAT THE MOON'S DOING, YOU KNOW?

ESPECIALLY IF HE'SABOUT TO LAND ON IT.

"HEY, NASA, LISTEN,

"I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CANSEE THIS FROM DOWN THERE --

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVETHIS WATCH --

BUT THE MOON'S NOT FULL.IT'S JUST A SLIVER.

"WE'LL FALLRIGHT OFF THE TIP.

SO LET'S GO AHEAD AND PULL BACK,CIRCLE IT A FEW MORE TIMES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I ACTUALLY JUST BOUGHTMY FIRST HOUSE.

JUST CLOSED ESCROW,LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NEXT DOOR TO ANGELINA JOLIEAND BRAD PITT.

WHOO!

I MEAN, IT'S IN CAMBODIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

15 BUCKS, eBay.

I JUST SAID,"LET'S GO FOR IT, MAN.

"I DON'T KNOW.

"MIGHT BE REAL, MIGHT NOT.I DON'T CARE.

FOR 10 BUCKS, WHY NOT,YOU KNOW?"

GOT A LITTLE MORTGAGE.

YOU KNOW, 30 CENTS A MONTH,

60-YEAR FIXED.ADJUSTABLE. SOMETHING.

IT'S GOOD.LADIES LIKE THAT STABILITY.

"YOU HAVE A HOUSE?""YEAH, I GOT A HOUSE."

"WHERE?"

"DOESN'T REALLY MATTERWHERE IT IS.

IT'S ON THE BEACH."

"MALIBU?"

"MAYBE.I GUESS. IT COULD BE.

"BIG ENOUGH WAVE,IT MIGHT MAKE IT TO MALIBU.

MAYBE MIAMI.

"I'M NOT SURE WHEREWE'RE GONNA LIVE, YOU KNOW?

PACK A BAG.WE'LL WATCH THE WEATHER CHANNEL.

WE'LL DECIDE THEN."

GOT MY CREDIT SCORE.GOT A LOT GOING ON, MAN.

GOT MY FIRST CREDIT SCORE.GOT MY FICO.

100.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS LIKE, "MAN, I THOUGHTI'D MISS A COUPLE." YOU KNOW?

HE'S LIKE,"NO, YOU MISSED LIKE 700.

IT'S ONE OF THE WORST SCORESWE'VE EVER SEEN."

I'M LIKE, "HOW BAD IS IT?"

HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW, THERE'SHOMELESS GUYS IN THE 200s."

"REALLY?NOT FOR LONG.

"WITH A SCORE LIKE THAT,THEY SHOULD BUY A HOUSE.

"I BOUGHT A HOUSEWITH 100 POINTS.

WHAT CAN YOU GETWITH 200 POINTS?"

HE'S LIKE,"THERE'S GUYS ON DEATH ROW

THAT CAN FINANCE A HOUSEBEFORE YOU."

"GIVE ME THEIR NUMBER.MAYBE THEY'LL COSIGN FOR ME."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

THEN HE'S LIKE,"YOU OWE US 100 BUCKS."

I'M LIKE, "I THOUGHT IT WASA FREE CREDIT REPORT."

HE WAS LIKE,"WELL, THAT'S IF YOU QUALIFY."

I'M LIKE,"WELL, I'M NOT PAYING.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING

WHEN YOU WERE CHECKINGMY CREDIT HISTORY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY CREDIT SCORE IS SO BAD,I BLAME IDENTITY THEFT.

TWO WEEKS AGO,SOMEONE STOLE MY IDENTITY.

NOW THEY'RE TRYINGTO GIVE IT BACK

BECAUSE THEY FOUND OUTHOW TERRIBLE MY CREDIT WAS.

I'M LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE ME NOW.

"I'VE MOVED ON.GOT MY LIFE TOGETHER.

KIRK FOX WAS HOLDING ME BACK,YOU KNOW?"

CREDITORS CALL,I FORWARD IT RIGHT TO THIS GUY.

THIS GUY'S GONNA END UPPAYING ALL MY BILLS.

MAYBE EVEN MY STUDENT LOAN.

15 YEARS, I HAVEN'T MADEONE STUDENT LOAN PAYMENT.

THEY STILL CALL MEEVERY WEDNESDAY FOR 15 YEARS.

LIKE NEXT WEDNESDAY I'M GONNAANSWER THE PHONE AND SAY,

"LET'S DO IT.

"LET'S JUST DO IT, MAN.

"WHAT DO I OWE YOU GUYS?46 GRAND?

"HERE'S A BUCK.

"THAT'S ALL I GOT.

JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE."

"WHERE?"

"DOESN'T REALLY MATTERWHERE IT IS.

IT'S ON THE BEACH."

IF THEY REALLY WANTED METO PAY BACK MY STUDENT LOAN,

I DON'T THINK THEY SHOULD HAVELET ME MAJOR IN ANTHROPOLOGY.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE A LIVINGDOING ANYTHING

WITH THE WORD "APOLOGY"IN THE TITLE?

I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN, MAN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I MET A GIRL THE OTHER DAY.SHE'S INTO TANTRIC SEX.

AND TANTRIC SEX IS WHERE,YOU KNOW,

YOU MAKE LOVEAND YOU DON'T CLIMAX.

AND I'M LIKE, "LET'S GO."

I'M LIKE, "LET'S DO IT.I GOT YOUR BACK.

I CAN GUARANTEETHAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU --I MIGHT.

"I PRACTICE CLIMAXING,AND I'M REALLY GOOD AT IT.

"I CAN DO IT ALMOST EVERY TIME.

I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LOOK,YOU KNOW?"

I LOOK AT TANTRIC SEXLIKE THIS --

SAY YOU SPEND ALL DAYBUILDING A SANDWICH.

JUST BEFORE YOU TAKE A BITE,

SOMEONE KNOCKS ITOUT OF YOUR HAND

AND FLUSHES ITDOWN THE TOILET.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I PRACTICE --YOU KNOW WHAT I PRACTICE?

TANTRUM SEX.

IF I DON'T CLIMAX,I JUST FALL TO THE FLOOR,

AND I KICK AND SCREAMUNTIL SOMEONE COMES BACK TO BED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN SHE'S LIKE,"DO YOU PRACTICE SAFE SEX?"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I PRACTICE.

"BUT SOMETIMESWHEN THE BIG GAME COMES AROUND,

I FORGET EVERYTHING I LEARNEDIN PRACTICE, YOU KNOW?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW THAT EVERY CONDOMIN THE WORLD

HAS AN EXPIRATION DATEOF APRIL 2011?

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING DOWNAPRIL 2011?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING DOWNAPRIL 2011.

I KNOW WHAT'S GOING DOWNMARCH 2011.

LOT OF LOVIN'.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WANT A CONDOM THAT EXPIRESIN AN HOUR.

LIKE, "HONEY, WE GOT TO USETHIS THING.

"IT'S GOING BAD AS WE SPEAK.

"NOT GONNA LOSE MONEY ON THIS.ALREADY BOUGHT A HOUSE.

I'M NOT GONNA REALLYGO INTO BANKRUPTCY FOR YOU."

AND EVERY CONDOM SAYS,"FOR HER PLEASURE."

THERE'S NOT A CONDOM THAT SAYS,"FOR HIS PLEASURE."

IF THERE WAS A CONDOM THAT SAID,"FOR HIS PLEASURE,"

YOU'D TEAR IT OPEN,AND IT WOULD BE EMPTY.

[ LAUGHTER, CHEERING ]

LAST THING I'M GONNA SAYABOUT MOUNT EVEREST.

I DID TRY AND CLIMB IT.

LET ME EXPLAINREALLY WHAT WENT DOWN.

SEVEN YEARS AGO, MY DAD DIED,AND HE HAD A GREAT LONG LIFE.

AND THE LAST THING HE SAIDTO ME, HE'S LIKE,

"PUT MY ASHESAT THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST."

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I DIDN'T --DID HE SAY SOMETHING?

IS HE GONE?I DIDN'T HEAR THAT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S LIKE --PULLED ME IN LITTLE CLOSER --

HE'S LIKE, "PUT MY ASHESAT THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST.

THAT'S ALL I WANT."

LIKE, "I DIDN'T KNOWYOU WANTED THAT."

HE'S LIKE, "I'VE ALWAYS WANTEDTO GO TO THE TOP."

I'M LIKE,"YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BODY SURF.

MAYBE I COULD PUT THEMIN WAIKIKI."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE'S LIKE, "NO."SO I TRAINED.

I TRAINED FOR LIKE FOUR YEARS,AND THEN THIS LAST MAY...

JUST I WENT OVER THERE.

I WAS FLYING OVER THERE, AND IWAS STARTING TO GET SCARED.

AND WE'RE FLYING INTO KATHMANDU, I LOOK AT EVEREST,

AND I'M LIKE,"HEY, CAN YOU OPEN THE DOOR?

MAYBE I COULD JUSTTHROW HIM OUT, YOU KNOW?"

"DOES THAT COUNT?"AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO, DON'T."

AND I TRIED ANYWAY.

SO I LANDED AT KATHMANDU.

AND AT THE AIRPORT, I METALL MY GUIDES AND EVERYTHING,

AND I STARTED HYPERVENTILATINGAT BAGGAGE CLAIM.

AND IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

"IF I NEED OXYGENAT BAGGAGE CLAIM,

WHAT'S GONNA HAPPENAT BASE CAMP?"

SO I SAW MY SHERPA,

AND I WAS LIKE, "DUDE,YOU'RE GOING TO THE TOP, RIGHT?"

AND HE'S LIKE,"YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I DO."

I'M LIKE, "DO ME A FAVOR.

"JUST TAKE THESE ASHES FOR MEAND JUST PUT THEM AT THE TOP.

"I'LL PAY YOU.I'LL GIVE YOU A WALKMAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"PICTURE OF AN iPHONE.

I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S BIG OVER HERE."

AND HE TOOK THE ASHES.

HE STARTED WALKINGACROSS THE STREET,

AND HE TRIPPED.

AND HE SPILLED MY DAD'S ASHESON THE STREET, ON THE YAK.

THE YAK WAS LIKE, "WHOA!"

THE YAK WAS LOOKING AT ME LIKE,

"DUDE, I GOT NO HANDS.I DIDN'T DO THIS."

THE SHERPA'S LIKE,"HEY, YOU KNOW..."

AND I LOOKED AT THE ASHESON THE YAK AND...

ON THE SHERPA, AND I...

LOOKED AT EVERESTIN THE DISTANCE,

AND I WAS JUST LIKE,"CLOSE ENOUGH."

YOU GUYS,THAT'S MY TIME UP HERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YES.

ALL RIGHT.LOOK AT THIS.

MOUNT EVEREST.

I JUST CAME BACK.

I WAS GONNA BE THE FIRST COMICTO DO FIVE MINUTES FROM THE TOP.

DIDN'T HAPPEN.

NOW I'M GONNA BE THE FIRST COMICTO DO 30 MINUTES

JUST STANDING IN FRONTOF A PHOTOGRAPH OF IT.

I ACTUALLY GOT KICKED OFFTHE MOUNTAIN

BECAUSE I TRIED TO HAVE SEXWITH MY SHERPA'S DAUGHTER.

IT'S LIKE THE BIGGEST NO-NOON EVEREST.

YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX WITH ANYBODY.

IT'S COMPLETELY TABOO.

WASN'T IN THE BROCHURE, THOUGH.

THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKENUMBER 1 -- "NO SEX ON EVEREST."

NUMBER 2, "DRESS WARM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S CRAZY.HERE'S WHAT I THINK.

IF YOU CAN GET AN ERECTIONAND SUSTAIN IT

AT 60 DEGREES BELOW ZEROWITH NO OXYGEN,

SEX SHOULD BE YOUR REWARD,YOU KNOW?

BE LIKE, YOU GET DOWN TO BASECAMP -- "DID YOU SUMMIT?"

"NO...

BUT I GOT LAID.IT WAS FANTASTIC UP THERE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT,LET'S TALK ABOUT MY DAY.

I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LUNCH -- LITTLE OUTDOOR CAFé

SOMEWHERE IN SOME VILLAGEHERE IN TOWN,

ALL BY MY LONESOME,JUST EATING THERE.

AFTER LUNCH,SITTING THERE BY MYSELF.

SUDDENLY, SOME GUY JUSTPLOPS DOWN ACROSS FROM ME

LIKE IT WAS A GODDAMNSPEED DATE, YOU KNOW?

I'M LIKE, "WHOA, WHAT'S UP?WHAT'S GOING ON?"

HE'S LIKE, "I'M GAY.

"I'M 40.I MAKE $10 MILLION A YEAR.

"I GOT A PLACE IN NEW YORK, L.A.I GOT A JET.

"I SPEAK FOUR LANGUAGES.I'M INTO FASHION.

I HAVE A CHEF."

I'M LIKE, "BRO...YOU HAD ME AT 'I'M GAY.'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND HE'S LIKE, "REALLY?"

I'M LIKE, "NO.I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE FUNNY.

I JUST THOUGHT IT'D BE A FUNNYWAY TO START MY SPECIAL."

I WAS LIKE,"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M GAY?"

HE'S LIKE, "YOUR MUSTACHE."

AND I SAID,"LISTEN, MY MUSTACHE IS GAY.

"I'M NOT.

CAN I SEE YOUR JET, MAYBE TAKEA COUPLE PHOTOS FOR INTERNET."

THEN HE WAS LIKE,"YOU KNOW WHAT?

WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH MERIGHT NOW FOR $100,000?"

I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOWWHO YOU THINK I AM

"OR WHAT YOU'VE HEARD,

BUT I DON'T HAVETHAT KIND OF MONEY ON ME."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW?I DON'T HAVE IT.

LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENEDWITH ME AND A VALET

THE OTHER NIGHTOUT IN LOS ANGELES.

VALET WANTED 20 BUCKS.

I'M LIKE,"WHAT'D YOU DO, CHANGE THE OIL?

DID YOU ROTATE THE TIRES?"

HE'S LIKE, "20 BUCKS."

I'M LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?KEEP THE CAR.

JUST LET ME GET SOME STUFFOUT OF THE TRUNK.

I WANT MY HACKY SACK,SOME STUFF FROM NEW YORK."

HE'S LIKE, "IT'S A HYBRID.IT'S A NICE CAR."

I'M LIKE, "IT'S BIODEGRADABLE.IT'LL BE GONE IN SIX MONTHS.

FORGET IT."

HE WAS FINALLY LIKE, "JUST GO."

I'M LIKE, "TIP ME, AND I'LL GO."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I SAW A CAR TODAY -- ACTUALLYRUNS ON WHEAT, BARLEY, AND HOPS.

THAT'S BEER.

DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR CARDRIVING AROUND DRUNK?

I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE STAYINGIN A LANE IF I'VE BEEN DRINKING.

NOW I GOT TO WORRY ABOUT MY CAR?

"YOU'RE DRIFTING."

"NO, YOU'RE DRIFTING."

"I DIDN'T TYPE THAT IN."

"SHUT UP.GET ME A BEER."

"WHOA,YOU'RE AN AGGRESSIVE CAR."

COP PULLS YOU OVER --"YOU BEEN DRINKING?"

"NO.BUT MY CAR'S [BLEEP] UP."

"STEP OUT OF THE CAR."

"WHY? I'M FINE.HAVE HIM PULL AWAY FROM ME.

HE'S THE ONETHAT'S BEEN DRINKING."

COP IMPOUNDS THE CAR -- "YOU CANPICK IT UP IN THE MORNING."

"HOW AM I GONNA GET THERE?HE'S MY RIDE."

NEXT MORNING,YOUR CAR'S ALL QUIET,

DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

"WHAT HAPPENED?"

"JUST DRIVE.JUST PUT THE TOP DOWN.

I WANT SOME FRESH AIR."

"YOU'RE NOT A CONVERTIBLE.WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN THERE?

TELL ME."

I ACTUALLY HAVE A HYBRID --HALF GAS, HALF ELECTRIC.

Woman: WHOO!

NICE!HERE'S THE QUESTION --

WHAT GOOD IS 48.9 MILES PERGALLON IF, WHEN YOU GET THERE,

ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE GONE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S THE SLOWEST VEHICLEIN THE WORLD.

SEAT-BELT LAW DOESN'T EVEN APPLYTO THIS CAR.

IT'S SAFER IF YOU GET THROWN OUTIN AN ACCIDENT.

THERE'S NO AIRBAGS.

COUPLE BODY BAGSPOP OUT OF THE GLOVE BOX.

YOU JUST ZIP YOUR [BLEEP] UP,MAN.

[BLEEP] GOING.

KNOW WHAT IT SAYS ON MY MIRROR?

"OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE ABOUT TORUN YOUR ASS OVER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

WAS GOING UP A STEEP HILLIN LOS ANGELES THE OTHER DAY.

I HEARD "HONK, HONK, HONK."

I LOOK BEHIND ME -- THERE WAS ASEMI WITH A HOUSE ON THE BACK.

A HOUSE WAS FASTER THAN MY CAR.

AND I START THINKING,

HOW LAZY OF A PACKERDO YOU HAVE TO BE TO SAY,

"SCREW IT, HONEY.LET'S JUST TAKE THE HOUSE?

"DON'T WANT TO WRAP UP ANY MOREDISHES OR BOOKS OR DRESSES.

"LET'S JUST TAKE THE SAME PLACEWE'VE LIVED IN FOR 12 YEARS

AND MOVE IT ACROSS THE STREET."

THIS HOUSE RAN ME OFF THE ROAD.

WROTE DOWN THE ADDRESS.

STREET KEPT CHANGING,BUT I WILL FIND THIS HOUSE.

I WILL DOSOME TERRIBLE THINGS TO IT.

WATCH THE NEWS.YOU'LL SEE.

MY BROTHER CALLED METHE OTHER DAY.

HE'S LIKE,"DON'T TALK ABOUT ME."

I'M LIKE,"QUIT DOING RETARDED [BLEEP]"

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE CALLED ME THE OTHER DAY,

HE'S LIKE, "MAN, I GOT ATTACKEDBY A SEA LION!

SEA LION!WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"'CAUSE IT'S A LION, BRO.

"IT'S JUST WHAT THEY DO.THEY ATTACK.

"THEY ATTACK ON LAND.THEY TOOK IT TO THE SEA.

"RELAX.

"DON'T LET THE WHISKERSFREAK YOU OUT.

"CALL ME WHEN A SEA HORSEKICKS YOU IN THE EYE.

THAT'S WHAT I WANTTO HEAR ABOUT."

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE?"

"SEA HORSE KICKED MEIN THE EYE!"

"WITH THAT HOOK?""YEAH!"

WHOA, I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

"DID IT BUCK YOU OFF?"

"YEAH! THANK GOD I LANDEDIN THE WATER.

WHOA!"

"HOW LONG WERE YOU ON?""6 SECONDS."

"OH, TWO MORE,YOU'D HAVE THE RECORD."

CALL ME WHEN SEA SPONGESSTART ATTACKING.

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO SEE.

I COME OUT OF THE WATER,PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOD, YOUR SKIN --IT'S GLOWING!

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC."

"SEA SPONGES.

"THEY BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ME,MAN.

"THEY HELD ME DOWN,JUST LOOFAHED ME UP.

"IT WAS NUTS.

"I'M GOING BACK IN.

"I JUST CAMETO GET SOME EXFOLIANT,

A LITTLE VANILLA SCRUB,YOU KNOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

CALL ME WHEN BLOWFISHSTART ATTACKING.

"WHERE'S KIRK?"

"HE'S BEEN AT THE BEACHFOR LIKE A MONTH AND A HALF."

"SURFING?"

"NO, HE'S JUST STANDING THEREWAIST-DEEP.

HE'S NEVER SEEMED HAPPIER."

"WHAT'S HE SAYING?"

"HE'S SAYING, 'BACK OFF!DON'T SCARE AWAY THE FISH.'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THEY'RE ORGANIZED.THEY'RE WORKING IN SHIFTS."

MY BROTHER'S FREAKING OUTABOUT SEA LIONS?

HE'S A NAVY S.E.A.L.,FOR GOD SAKE,

AND HE'S FREAKING OUTABOUT SEA LIONS.

I CAN'T TAKE IT.IT'S NUTS.

SORRY, I JUST HAD TOOPEN UP TO YOU ABOUT HIM.

I KNEW MY BROTHER WAS GONNA BEA NAVY S.E.A.L., THOUGH.

WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD,I WAS TAKING A BATH.

SUDDENLY, LIGHT'S OUT,

SOAP ON A ROPEAROUND MY SKINNY LITTLE NECK,

DRAGGED INTO A CUL-DE-SAC,

AND A JOHNSON'S BABY NO-TEARSSHAMPOO BOTTLE

WAS SHOVED RIGHT UP MY BUTT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

JOHNSON'S BABYNO-TEARS SHAMPOO --

HAIR?NO TEARS.

BUTT?TEARS, MAN.

LOTS OF TEARS.IT'S NOT COOL.

8 WAS A ROUGH YEAR FOR ME.THAT WAS --

I WAS ACTUALLY MOLESTEDBY A BOTTLE-NOSED DOLPHIN

WHEN I WAS 8.

I MEAN,THERE WAS NO PENETRATION.

THERE WAS DEFINITE INTENT.I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, IT'S CRAZY.I THINK WE CAN TALK.

UH...

I WAS ABOUT A MILE OFFSHORE.I'D BEEN CAUGHT IN A RIPTIDE.

I WAS GONNA SWIM DIAGONALLYA MILE

AND THEN SWIM INWHERE IT'S SAFE.

I KNOW THE RULES.

SUDDENLY, I FELT A DOLPHINRIGHT UP AGAINST MY BUTT.

AND HE BEGAN PRESSING --TRYING TO GET LEVERAGE, CLEARLY.

AND EVENTUALLY TOOK ME TO SHORE,RAN OUT OF REAL ESTATE,

AND JUST LEFT ME THERE.

MY FRIENDS WERE LIKE, "DUDE,THAT DOLPHIN SAVED YOUR LIFE!"

I WAS LIKE,"YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN.

"YOU DIDN'T SMELL THE ALCOHOL,THE LITTLE SLURRED SQUEAK.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT DOWNOUT THERE."

I THINK I SAW THE DOLPHINLIKE TWO YEARS LATER.

MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE,"HOW DO YOU KNOW?"

I'M LIKE, "I THINKHE WAS WEARING MY SHORTS.

PRETTY SURE IT WAS HIM."

LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE DOLPHINS.

THEY GET UPSETWHEN I TALK ABOUT THEM.

I'LL TELL YOU A WOMANWHO DOESN'T REALLY LOVE THEM.

THIS LADY IN NEW ZEALANDLAST MONTH,

HANGING OUT ON HER BOAT,JUST CHILLING.

WALKMAN, MAYBE, OR I DON'T KNOWWHAT SHE WAS DOING.

SUDDENLY, DOLPHIN JUMPED IN THEBOAT, BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HER.

KILLED HER.

JUMPED OUT, SQUEAKED,SWAM AWAY.

DOLPHINS ARE [BLEEP] PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THEY KILL JUST AS MANY PEOPLEEVERY YEAR

AS GREAT WHITE SHARKS.

THEY JUST HAVEA BETTER PUBLICIST.

[ LAUGHTER ]

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