Extended - Thursday, February 25, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 02/25/2016

Tiffany Haddish, Theo Von and Andrew Santino give "Batman v Superman" an NC-17 rating, sum up #MyFamilyIn4Words and label runway styles in this extended, uncensored episode.

(CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: AND NOW IT'S TIME

TO FIND OUT EXACTLY WHY WE'REALL DOOMED, DOOMED I TELL YOU.

IT'S PANDERDOME.

(CHEERING)HERE'S A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT'S

ALLEGEDLY TRENDING ON THEINTERNET.

FIRST UP, HILLARY SCANDAL,HILLARY SCANDAL.

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ANDREVERSE LOKI MASK, HILLARY

CLINTON, SEEN HERE...

(LAUGHTER)...TOOK SOME TIME OUT OF HER

BUSY SCHEDULE THIS WEEK TO MAKEUS DOUBT HER JUDGMENT BY

VISITING THE ABC SHOW SCANDAL.

HERE SHE IS WITH KERRYWASHINGTON.

SO, WAIT A MINUTE.

HILLARY CLINTON VISITED A SHOWCALLED SCANDAL... WHICH IS A HIT

POLITICAL DRAMA ABOUT A SLEAZYPRESIDENT WHO HAS AN ILLICIT

AFFAIR WITH A STAFFER?

SHE DID THE FUCKING DOCUMENTARYVERSION OF THAT!

(CHEERING)WHY WOULD SHE GO ON THAT SHOW?

(APPLAUSE)WELL, COMEDIANS, SO THEY DON'T

MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE, WHAT'S ATV SHOW THE OTHER PRESIDENTIAL

CANDIDATES SHOULD DEFINITELY NOTVISIT?

ANDREW.

>> DONALD TRUMP ON UNDERCOVERBOSS, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PUT A

WIG ON A WIG.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT. POINTS.

POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)TIFFANY.

>> TED CRUZ AND HIS WIFE SHOULDAVOID MASTERS OF SEX, BECAUSE

THAT'S JUST NASTY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

POINTS. POINTS.

THEO.

>> DONALD TRUMP SHOULD AVOIDANYTHING ON UNIVISION.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, ON TO OUR NEXT TOPIC,GITMO DONE, GITMO DONE.

RAPIDLY AGING BETWEEN TWO FERNSSTAR BARACK OBAMA, SEEN HERE,

SAID HE'S GONNA CLOSE DOWNGUANTANAMO, A CONCENTRATION CAMP

RUN BY THE UNITED STATES INCOMMUNIST CUBA.

TED CRUZ, MARCO RUBIO AND ALLTHE OTHER CONSERVATIVES ARE ALL

UP IN ARMS, 'CAUSE THEY DON'TWANT THOSE TERRORIST PRISONERS

COMING OVER HERE, TAKING JOBSAWAY FROM HARDWORKING AMERICAN

PRISONERS!

BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINKABOUT IT, GTMO'S IN A PRIMO

LOCATION, AND WITH IMPROVEDRELATIONS WITH CUBA THIS COULD

BE A REAL OPPORTUNITY.

SO IT'S TIME TO STOP THINKINGLIKE POLITICIANS AND START

THINKING LIKE REALTORS.

WHAT SHOULD THEY DO WITHGUANTANAMO AFTER THEY CLOSE IT?

THEO.

>> I THINK THEY SHOULD SELL ITTO BEYONCE AND CALL IT

GUANTANAMO BAE.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

>> RIGHT? RIGHT?

>> HARDWICK: I THINK THEY SHOULDDO THAT.

ON TO OUR NEXT TOPIC, LITTLEBABY.

COWARDLY CARTOON RAILROAD BARONTED CRUZ HAS NOT BEEN HAVING A

GREAT WEEK.

HE LOST THE NEVADA CAUCUS, HEFIRED HIS TOP AIDE, BUT WORST OF

ALL, DONALD TRUMP CALLED HIM A"SOFT, WEAK LITTLE BABY."

WELL, TED CRUZ HAS HAD ENOUGHAND IS PUTTING HIS TOAD-LIKE

FOOT DOWN!

HOW DID HE RESPOND TO TRUMP'SNAME-CALLING?

ANDREW.

>> IT'S A. YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, A. ALL RIGHT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS IN FACT A.

HE POSTED A CLIP OF FAT BASTARDFROM AUSTIN POWERS.

TED CRUZ TWEETED WITH THECAPTION: "TRUMP CALLS ME A SOFT,

WEAK LITTLE BABY?

HOPE HE DOESN'T TRY TO EAT ME."

>> HE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A BABY.

COME HERE. I'M GONNA EAT YA!

I'M BIGGER THAN YOU, I'M HIGHERIN THE FOOD CHAIN!

GET IN MY BELLY!

>> HARDWICK: THESE MEN ARERUNNING FOR THE HIGHEST OFFICE

IN THE UNITED STATES, BY THEWAY.

THEY'RE RUNNING FOR... THEY'RETRYING TO GET TO BE PRESIDENT.

>> IT'S AWESOME!

>> HARDWICK: UH, ON TO OUR NEXTTOPIC-- TRUMP TEMPLE OF DOOM.

AS DONALD TRUMP'S RAGIN' RACISTREVIVAL TOUR KEEPS SELLING OUT

SHOWS ACROSS THE NATION, ONEFIGURE WHO'S BEEN ABSENT IS

FUTURE FIRST LADY, MELANIATRUMP.

SHE'S BEEN QUIETER THAN TEDCRUZ'S FAMILY AFTER HE LOCKED

THEM IN THAT BASEMENT.

BUT... NOT ANYMORE.

SHE'S NOT QUIET ANYMORE.

THIS WEEK THE SILENT BUTBEAUTIFUL THIRD BRIDE OF TRUMP

HAD A ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW WITHMIKA BRZEZINSKI ON MORNING JOE

IN WHAT-- IF YOU SEE THISIMAGE-- WAS CLEARLY SHOT INSIDE

SCARFACE'S BALLS.

(LAUGHTER)RIGHT AFTER THIS MIKA REMOVED A

RUBY FROM THE MOUTH OF A GOLDENMONKEY STATUE AND SPIKES CAME

OUT OF THE FLOOR.

BUT NOW THAT WE'VE SEEN THEDAUGHTER THAT LIAM NEESON DIDN'T

SAVE, UH, IN HER NATURALENVIRONMENT, COMEDIANS, WHAT ARE

SOME OF THE UPDATES MELANIAWOULD MAKE TO THE WHITE HOUSE?

TIFFANY.

>> SHE WOULD DO THE WHITE HOUSETHE SAME AS SHE'S DONE HER

HOUSE-- SEPARATE BEDROOMS ANDLOCKS ON THE DOORS.

>> HARDWICK: Y-YES, POINTS.

DEFINITELY.

ANDREW.

>> SHE'S GONNA ANNOUNCE THATWHITE HOUSE IS ACTUALLY

MATRYOSHKA DOLL INSIDE OF WHITEHOUSE INSIDE OF WHITE HOUSE

INSIDE OF WHITE HOUSE INSIDE OFWHITE HOUSE.

>> HARDWICK: THAT WOULD BEREALLY AMAZING.

THAT'D BE REALLY AMAZING.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

FRIDAY.

FRIDAY.

TECHNICALLY, THIS DAY MARKS THEPREMIERE OF THE FULL HOUSE

REBOOT, FULLER HOUSE, AND AS YOUCAN SEE, THEY'LL BE SQUEEZING AS

MANY DROPS AS THEY CAN FROM THECATCHPHRASE TEAT.

>> I'VE GOT TWO VERY IMPORTANTWORDS.

>> HAVE MERCY.

>> NO-- HOW RUDE.

>> CUT IT OUT.

>> HARDWICK: UH, THE NETFLIXREBOOT WILL ALSO EXPLORE FUN

FAMILY ISSUES LIKE POSTPARTUMDEPRESSION AND HINTS OF SEXUAL

TENSION BETWEEN DANNY TANNER ANDHIS ADULT DAUGHTERS, SO...

THAT IS A JOKE BOB SAGETWOULD'VE MADE.

UH...

>> IT IS.

>> HARDWICK: IT ABSOLUTELY IS.

SO IN HONOR OF THE SORT-OFRETURN TO THE BELOVED '90S

SITCOM, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#MYFAMILYIN4WORDS.

#MYFAMILYIN4WORDS.

EXAMPLES-- ONLY RACIST ONHOLIDAYS AND I WISH I KNEW.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN.

ANDREW.

>> BROKEN APART-- THANKS, DAD.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TIFFANY.

>> AUNTIE GAY FOR PAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> KIM, KOURTNEY, KHLOE, OJ.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TIFFANY.

>> WIGS, WEAVES, NAILS ANDBEADS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

THEO.

>> NOW YOU GOT RABIES.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TIFFANY HADDISH.

>> UH, LITTLE TITS, BIG DICKS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT IS DEFINITELY NOT WHITE BOYSHIT.

UH, THEO VON.

>> THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> IRISH SMALL, ITALIAN BIG.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

YEAH, TIFFANY.

>> SISTER SHAKIN' THAT ASS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAYTESTIFY! COMMENT! SUBSCRIBE!

I KNOW OUR PROGRAM GETS FILTHYAT TIMES-- IT'S MY FAULT.

I'M 15 AND A HALF.

BUT WITH THE INTERNET BEING ALLFULL OF WIENERS AND BUNGHOLES

AND WHATNOT, WHAT CHOICE DO IHAVE?

SO WE WANTED TO COUNTERACT ALLTHAT FILTH WITH SOME GOOD

OLD-TIME RELIGION.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PREACHER ORPASTOR OR SOME OTHER KIND OF

RELIGIOUS LEADER PREACHING THEGOOD WORD ON YOUTUBE, AND FOR

250 POINTS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TOANSWER A QUESTION BASED ON THE

VIDEO.

FIRST UP, FROM THE FOUND FOOTAGEFESTIVAL, THIS WARNING AGAINST

THE DANGERS OF PORNOGRAPHY.

>> THEY'RE SHOWN NUDE AND BOUNDAND HANGING FROM TREES.

THEY'RE SHOWN KNEELINGSUBMISSIVELY WHILE A MAN DOES

THINGS TO THEM AND ON THEM.

AND A SCREEN GOES UP AND YOU SEELIVE SEX ACTS.

I MEAN LIVE SEX ACTS.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT WAS THISAUDIENCE MEMBER THINKING HERE?

TIFFANY HADDISH.

>> I WONDER IF HE KNOWS I'MMASTURBATING RIGHT NOW.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

THEO.

>> I GOT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OFUTAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> GO ON.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP,THE JESUS BAND WITH A HOT AND

FAITHFUL DANCE TRACK.

>> ♪ ALLELUIAALLELUIA ♪

>> ♪ ALLELUIA >> ♪ ALLELUIA

ALLELUIA ♪>> ♪ ALLELUIA

>> (SPEAKS ITALIAN)>> HARDWICK: WHAT DOES IT SAY ON

THE SIGN OUTSIDE THEIR CHURCH?

YES, ANDREW.

>> JOHN 4:20-- COME FOR THECHRIST, STAY FOR THE MOLLY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

TIFFANY.

>> WHATEVER IT SAID, IT'SSPELLED WRONG, 'CAUSE THAT'S NOT

HOW YOU SPELL HALLELUJAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> IT WASN'T?

REALLY?

>> HARDWICK: NEXT UP, THESEFUNKY FRESH CHRISTIAN

BREAKDANCERS.

>> ♪ WE CAN CLAIM THE RIGHTSTHAT GOD GAVE YOU AND ME ♪

>> IS THAT RAY LIOTTA?

>> ♪ WE CAN LIVE ABOVE ALLPRINCIPALITY ♪

>> OH, OH!

>> WHAT?!

>> HOW ABOUT THAT WHITE BOY,HUH?

WOW.

>> HARDWICK: UH...

#WHITEBOYSHIT.

THAT WAS SPECTACULAR.

>> UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH!

>> AW, SHIT!

>> THAT'S JUST A MEME.

YOU JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT AMEME.

>> HARDWICK: I JUST WANT TO MAKEA MEME, YEAH.

UH, WHAT, UH, WHAT DOES GOD SAYTO THEM AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN?

YES, THEO.

>> I LOVED YOU IN DANCE DANCERESURRECTION.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

OH, SUCH A GREAT GAME.

TIFFANY.

>> OH, YOU GUYS, PLEASE, DO THATAGAIN.

HEY, MJ, COME WATCH THEM TRY TOBE LIKE YOU.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> JOHN TRAVOLTA, WHAT ARE YOUDOING HERE WITH WOMEN?

>> HARDWICK: SHIT.

OH, POINTS.

STHAT'S GOOD, POINTS.

NEXT UP, PASTOR MIKE WITH AFUNKY FRESH PARODY.

>> ♪ THEN WE GOT SUNDAY SCHOOLFOR EVERYBODY

WHAT'S THE CHANCE OF YOU COMING♪ TO CHURCH WITH ME?

WE PLAYING GAME LIKE OOH, OOH,OOH, WHOA, OOH

♪ WE PLAYING GAMES LIKE,OOH, OOH ♪

>> PUMP THAT SHIT.

>> HARDWICK: THAT, OF COURSE, ISA PARODY OF T-PAIN'S "BUY YOU A

DRINK".

BASED ON THIS VIDEO, THOUGH,WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO BUY

PASTOR MIKE?

TIFFANY.

>> I WANT TO BUY HIM A BERT ANDERNIE T-SHIRT BECAUSE HIS

EYEBROWS ARE TOUCHING.

>> HARDWICK: THEY'RE EMBRACING.

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP, THIS MANWARNING TEENS ABOUT A DECADENT

SEXUAL PRACTICE.

>> I KNOW OF SITUATIONS WHEREEITHER THE MAN OR THE WIFE WANTS

TO INVITE A THIRD PARTY INTO THEBEDROOM FOR SEXUAL EXPERIENCE TO

HELP ACHIEVE SOME STIMULATION.

NOW WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?

>> HARDWICK: THE-THE ONLYTHREE-WAY YOU NEED TO CONCERN

YOURSELF WITH IS THE FATHER, THESON AND THE HOLY GHOST.

>> AMEN.

>> HARDWICK: IF THIS GUY DOESN'TFIND THREE-WAYS HOT, WHAT IS HE

INTO?

TIFFANY.

>> BLACK PUSSY.

>> HE IS!

WHAT?

YOU JUST... YOU JUST ACTIVATED,LIKE, SOME EXTRA LIGHTS.

>> YEAH.

>> THEY CALL ME SUNSHINE!

THEY CALL ME SUNSHINE!

BLACK PUSSY.

BLACK PUSSY.

>> MMM.

>> HARDWICK: I'M GOING TO GIVEYOU 100 EXTRA POINTS FOR

INDICATING TO YOUR AREA.

FINALLY, A SONG FOR CHRISTIANCHILDREN SUNG BY A DOG MAN.

>> ♪ GLORY, GLORY >> WOW.

>> ♪ HOWL-LE-LU-YA!

GLORY, GLORYPRAISE HIS NAME ♪

>> HARDWICK: I UNDERSTAND... IUNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS

RELIGIOUS, BECAUSE WHEN YOU SEETHAT, YOU'RE LIKE, "JESUS

CHRIST! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"SO...

COMEDIANS, THE QUESTION I PUT TOYOU IS, WHY WOULD GOD ALLOW

THIS?

TIFFANY.

>> THAT'S TO SHOW THAT GOD LOVESALL HIS WHITE CREATURES, NO

MATTER HOW OBNOXIOUS THEY ARE.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

ANDREW.

>> UH, GOD DID THIS BECAUSE OFBLACK PUSSY, CHRIS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY, IWAS A LITTLE HAZY.

WHERE IS THAT LOCATED AGAIN,TIFFANY?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)RIGHT THERE. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

>> GOT IT.

GOT IT.

>> HARDWICK: NOW I REMEMBER!

BEFORE THE BREAK, I TOLD YOUABOUT THE R-RATED BLU-RAY OF

BATMAN V SUPERMAN.

I ASKED YOU TO ONE-UP IT BYGIVING ME A LINE FROM THE NC-17

VERSION.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.

THEO, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> MR. WAYNE, I'VE BEEN A DOCTORFOR 35 YEARS, AND I'VE NEVER

SEEN A BATARANG THIS FAR UPSOMEONE'S RECTUM.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

TIFFANY HADDISH.

>> ALL RIGHT, SUPERMAN, YOURSUPER DICK VERSUS MY SUPER

VIAGRA.

LET'S SEE WHO WINS.

AND BATMAN HANDS-HANDS SUPERMANA KRYPTONITE CONDOM.

>> HARDWICK: UH... ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT SHIT WAS FUNNY IN MYHEAD.

>> I DIDN'T SEE IT. DO YOU?

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

>> NO.

>> HARDWICK: ANDREW.

>> (MOANING) OH, BATMAN.

COME ON MY "S."

COME ON MY "S."

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> COME ON.

AS WE GO TOOUR NEXT GAME, FASHION WEAK.

FASHION WEAK.

>> YES.

>> HARDWICK: LAST WEEK, THEINTERNET WAS BOMBARDED WITH

PICTURES FROM FASHION WEEK,BECAUSE NO ONE'S A BETTER

FASHION CRITIC THAN SOMEONE ONFACEBOOK AT 3:00 A.M. WHO'S NOT

WEARING PANTS.

IN ADDITION TO THE BEAUTIFULPEOPLE WHO'VE BEEN ARTFULLY

WARPED BY PHOTOSHOP'S STRETCHTOOL, THERE WERE ALSO SOME, UH,

PRETTY WARPED OUTFITS.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A PHOTOFROM FASHION WEEK.

I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TELL ME THENAME OF THE LOOK.

FIRST UP, THIS ONE...

TIFFANY.

>> EDWARD SCISSORHANDS' BABYSISTER.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

EDWARD SCISSOR SISTERS.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

NEXT UP...

YES, ANDREW.

>> THE GUCCI POOCHIE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT UP...

THEO.

>> UH, THERE'S REALLY SOMETHINGABOUT MARY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE...

TIFFANY.

>> COUSIN IT'S COOCHIE'S OUT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

NEXT ONE...

THEO.

>> BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLERICHARD'S BASEMENT.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS.

POINTS.

AND FINALLY, THIS ONE...

YES, ANDREW.

>> DOLLAR STORE DEADPOOL.

>> HARDWICK: YES! OH, PERFECT!

PERFECT! POINTS!

FANTASTIC.