Premium Blend
Season 8

Bentancourt, Pue, Stockton, Starr

  • Season 8, Ep 0810
  • 04/07/2005

LITTLE LAZIER, EVEN WHEN IT

COMES TO OUR GREETINGS?

REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO GREET

SOMEBODY, YOU'D BE LIKE,

[CHIPPER VOICE] "HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?"

LIKE YOU REALLY CARE.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN IT BECAME,

[LAID-BACK VOICE] "WAS UP?"

[LAUGHTER]

NOW IT'S JUST "S'UP?"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SOON IT'S GONNA BE, "ZZZ."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHAT'S THAT?

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO'S ALWAYS

ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO HIGH FIVES

YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GO OUT ANYWHERE WITH THE

GUY, YOU HAVE A PIECE OF PIZZA

WITH HIM, HE'S LIKE, "FIVE ME,

BRO.

WHAT'D YOU GET A PIECE WITH

PEPPERONI, EXTRA PEPPERONI?

FIVE ME ON THAT, BRO.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

FIVE ME, C'MON, HIT ME HIGH."

AND THEN HE GETS CREATIVE WITH

IT, "WHAT'D YOU GET A COKE?

SUPER SIZE?

SUPER SIZE COCA-COLA?

FIVE ME ON THE SIDE, BRO.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT'S YOU GET, A LITTLE

TIRAMISU FOR DESSERT?

FIVE ME THROUGH THE FIVE HOLE,

Y'ALL!"

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

BUT WHEN I WAS A YOUNG GUY

ABOUT 18 YEARS OLD, I HAD

ZERO PEOPLE SKILLS, DID NOT PLAY

WITH OTHERS.

THAT'S WHY I GOT KICKED OUT OF

COLLEGE, RIGHT.

SO YOU'RE GET KICKED OUT OF

COLLEGE, I'M LIVING WITH A PAL

OF MINE AND HE SAYS, "HEY MICK,

MY SISTER'S MOVING BACK TO TOWN,

SHE'S HAVING A CHRISTMAS SLASH,

HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

AND I SAID TO ME, I SAID, "SELF,

WHAT CAN I DO TO GET IN THAT

PARTY, SHAKE A COUPLE HANDS,

GET SOME NUMBERS, MAKE SOME

FRIENDS?

I KNOW, I'LL TAKE SOME ACID."

[LAUGHTER]

SO I TOOK TWO HITS TO BE ON

THE SAFE SIDE.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO

LOVE YOU!

SO I'M AT THE PARTY JAMMING IT

OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND THE GUY WHO SOLD ME THE ACID

COMES UP TO ME AND HE GOES,

"HOW YOU LIKE THOSE MICRODOTS?"

AND I GO, "WHAT THE HELL IS A

MICRODOT?"

AND HE GOES, "IT'S ACTUALLY

TWO HITS PER HIT, SO YOU'RE

ACTUALLY ON FOUR!"

SO I GO, "THAT WOULD EXPLAIN

WHY I'M DOING THIS THEN,

WOULDN'T IT?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GUESS I WAS FREAKING SOME

PEOPLE OUT AT THIS PARTY.

'CAUSE THE HOST CAME UP TO ME

AND GOES "YOU ARE FREAKING

PEOPLE OUT AT THIS PARTY."

[LAUGHTER]

SO SHE SITS ME DOWN ON THIS

FUTON IN THIS EMPTY ROOM 'CAUSE

IT'S A CHRISTMAS SLASH,

HOUSEWARMING PARTY, NOT A LOT

OF FURNITURE.

AND I'M SITTING THERE AND I'M

TRYING TO BE COOL.

BUT THEN I FEEL SOMEBODY

MAD-DOGGING THE KID.

GIVING ME A LITTLE LOOKSY.

NOW IT'S CHRISTMAS BUT IF

YOU PLAY WITH THE TIGER YOU WILL

GET THE CLAWS!

[LAUGHTER]

SO I LET IT BUBBLE UP A

LITTLE BIT AND I SHOOT THIS CAT

A LOOK.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?!"

[LAUGHTER]

AND IT WAS THE CHRISTMAS TREE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

CHANNEL?

YOU SHOULD GET IT, JUST 'CAUSE

THE MAN KICKED YOU OUT OF

COLLEGE DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T

KEEP GETTING YOUR LEARN ON.

[LAUGHTER]

GET YOURSELF SOME HISTORY

CHANNEL.

I WAS WATCHING THE HISTORY

CHANNEL OR AS MY GRANDFATHER

CALLS IT, THE "HITLER" CHANNEL.

DON'T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER THAT

GUY, BIG IN THE '40s.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS WATCHING A SHOW ABOUT

THIS CRAZY MANIAC, RIGHT

AND THEY SAID AT THE HEIGHT OF

HITLER'S POWER THAT HE HAD A

SECRET WEDDING.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

AS CRAZY AS THAT IS, WHAT WAS

IT LIKE FOR HIS BEST MAN TO

COME UP WITH A SPEECH?

[TAPPING ON MIKE]

[GERMAN ACCENT]

"OKAY EVERYBODY, IT'S TIME FOR

MY SPEECH.

[LAUGHTER]

I HAVE KNOWN THIS GUY HERE...

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA...

THIS GUY'S CRAZY, THIS GUY'S,

HA?

POLAND IN TWO WEEKS, WHO DOES

THAT ONE?

THAT'S CRAZY THERE!

VOGNER'S HERE EVERYBODY,

HE'S GOING TO GET YOU ON THE

DANCE FLOOR TONIGHT.

BECAUSE TONIGHT VEE ARE GONNA

PUTPARTY BACK IN NAZI

PARTY, YES WE ARE.

UP HIGH, THERE WE GO.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT TONIGHT IT'S NOT ABOUT ME,

IT'S ABOUT ZEE LOVE BETWEEN

DOLPHIE AND EVA, SO RAZZ YOUR

GLASSES EVERYBODY TO DOLPHIE,

TO EVA, AND TO LOVE, MAZLETOPH!

I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU!"

A GOOD MOOD, MAN.

I LOVE TO PARTY.

I LIKE TO SHAKE IT DOWN

BUT SOME PEOPLE SAY I HAVE A

DRINKING PROBLEM.

[LAUGHTER]

DRINKING IS NEVER A PROBLEM.

HAND TO MOUTH, NO PROBLEM.

IT'S QUANTITY OVER TIME

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

A PLUS B EQUALS ME AT THE END

OF THE NIGHT STANDING IN THE

BACK OF THE ROOM PERUSING

THE CLUB WITH MY ONE GOOD EYE.

[LAUGHTER]

GIVING ALL THE LADIES THE NOD

LOOK.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I'M SORRY IT'S AT THIS TIME,

LADIES, I FEEL COMPELLED

TO ACTUALLY COME AND TALK TO ONE

OF YOU.

I'M SO SORRY.

BUT I KNOW EACH AND EVERY WOMAN

HERE TONIGHT'S BEEN APPROACHED

WITH THAT LAST CALL POETRY AT

LEAST ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.

I MEAN, HOW MANY WOMEN HAVE

HEARD THIS AS A PICKUP LINE

BEFORE?

"HEY!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WHOOOOO!"

[LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

YEAH, SOMETIMES IT WORKS.

[LAUGHTER]

SOMETIMES THERE'S A GIRL JUST

DRUNK ENOUGH SITTING OVER IN

THE CORNER GOING,

[SQUEAKY VOICE] "HE'S TALKING

TO ME.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T KNOW HIM, BUT I LOVE

HIM."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WITH A LADY FOR OVER 3 YEARS

AND IT'S NO LONGER OCCURRING.

[LAUGHTER]

I FEEL GOOD.

I MANAGED TO LEARN ONLY ONE

THING IN 3 YEARS OF LIVING

WITH A WOMAN.

I THINK I'M PRETTY STUPID FOR

THAT.

I THINK I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED

MORE.

BUT I ONLY LEARNED ONE THING

ABOUT WOMEN'S NEEDS.

AND THAT'S THAT WOMEN NEED HEAT.

[LAUGHTER]

BODY HEAT, OUR BODY HEAT.

IT'S EVERY MAN'S JOB IN HERE

TO GO HOME AND PLUG HIMSELF IN

AND BE A HEAT ROCK.

SO WHEN THAT LOVELY COLD-BLOODED

IGUANA DECIDES SHE WANTS TO

COME TO BED...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE'S GOT A NICE WARM PLACE

TO ROAST HER FROZEN TOOTSIES

ON YOUR TORSO ALL NIGHT.

I LOVE WOMEN, SWEAR TO GOD,

LOVE YA.

LOVE YA LOTS, BUT YOU'RE ALL

LIZARDS.

[LAUGHTER]

COLD-BLOODED REPTILIAN,

YA KNOW?

AND I CAN PROVE IT.

GUYS, IF THERE'S SOMEBODY

IN HERE THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE ME

THAT WOMEN ARE IN FACT

COLD-BLOODED REPTILIAN,

CHEAT ON ONE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU WANT TO FIND OUT HOW

COLD-BLOODED A WOMAN CAN BE,

CHEAT ON HER.

I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU CHEAT ON

A WOMAN, THAT LAMB OF GOD YOU

CAME TO KNOW AND LOVE...

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S GONNA UNZIP HER LITTLE

HALLOWEEN COSTUME, ZIP...

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

"BY, SWEETIE."

[CHUBAKA NOISE]

THE LITTLE VELOCIRAPTOR...

[ANGRY DINOSAUR NOISE]

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY BOSS CHARLIE, PULLED ME ASIDE

AT WORK THE OTHER DAY AND

HE GOES, "CARMEN, YOU HAVE

REALLY LOW, LOW, LOW ENERGY.

AND IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP HERE

FOR YOUR SHIFT TOMORROW WITH

A LOT MORE ENTHUSIASM ABOUT

YOUR JOB, I'M GONNA HAVE TO

LET YOU GO."

AND I STOOD THERE THINKING TO

MYSELF, NOW I ONLY THOUGHT IT

BECAUSE APPARENTLY I DIDN'T

HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO SPEAK.

[LAUGHTER]

SO I THOUGHT, I'M A CASHIER

AT A GROCERY STORE.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S CREEPY.

SO I DID WHAT ANY MATURE ADULT

WOULD DO.

I GOT UP THE NEXT MORNING AND

I CALLED IN SICK.

[LAUGHTER]

I LAID ON MY SOFA THE WHOLE DAY

AND I ATE REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER

CUP AFTER REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER

CUP AFTER REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER

CUP BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I LIKE

TO DEAL WITH REJECTION.

YA KNOW DEAL WITH THE FEELING

CHOCOLATE.

OH, CHOCOLATE.

AND IT HIT ME, LIKE YOU KNOW

IT REALLY HIT ME LIKE AN

EPIPHANY.

AND I THOUGHT THERE'S NO ONE

ELSE TO BLAME FOR THE WAY MY

LIFE IS TURNING OUT OTHER THAN

MY MOTHER!

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I WAS A LITTLE ANGRY.

AND PHYSICAL AS WELL.

I MEAN, I WAS REALLY, REALLY

WEIGHT YOUNG GIRL.

LIKE REALLY OVER WEIGHT,

NOT EXAGGERATING, I WAS A

BIG GIRL AND IT WASN'T DIFFICULT

FOR ME TO RUN.

UH, IT WAS REALLY DIFFICULT

FOR ME TO UH STOP SUDDENLY.

[LAUGHTER]

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY NOT ONLY

ONCE, NOT ONLY TWICE BUT

THIRTEEN TIMES I RAN THROUGH

MY PARENTS PATIO SCREEN DOOR.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

YOU ADD ALL THAT TOGETHER AND

I WAS NOT A VERY GOOD

DECISION-MAKER.

AT 18 I MARRIED A VACUUM CLEANER

SALESMAN WITH A LAZY EYE.

[LAUGHTER]

OUR WEDDING SONG WAS,

"TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD,"

BY MEATLOAF.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT'S OKAY.

IT REALLY WAS OUR SONG.

I DIDN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND

WHAT IT MEANT, THAT'S ALL.

AND WE WERE DANCING TO OUR

WEDDING SONG AND IT HIT ME,

OH MY GOD, I HAVE NO IDEA

WHICH EYE'S THE GOOD EYE?

[LAUGHTER]

IF WE'RE GOING TO BE DOING IT

IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND HE'S

GOING BE ALL, "HEY CARMEN,

LOOK IN MY EYE."

AND I'M GONNA BE THINKING,

"WHICH ONE?"

[LAUGHTER]

IS THERE EVER A GOOD TIME

TO ASK THAT QUESTION?

NO.

NO, THERE ISN'T.

"HEY, HONEY THAT WAS A REALLY

GOOD STEAK YOU BARBECUED.

WHICH EYE'S YOUR GOOD EYE?"

[LAUGHTER]

SO I JUST TRIED TO FIGURE

IT OUT ON MY OWN.

REALLY DISCREET, HE HAD NO IDEA.

HE'D BE LIKE "HEY HONEY,

HOW WAS YOUR DAY?"

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

YOU'RE KIDDING.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I AM SO GLAD YOU GUYS ARE A

GREAT AUDIENCE BECAUSE

I'M GOING TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

I HAD TO STOP EATING TO COME

OUT HERE.

[LAUGHTER]

OH, YEAH.

LOOK AT THAT, THAT'S A THING

OF BEAUTY, AIN'T IT?

THERE AIN'T A WRINKLE IN THAT

SHIRT, LOOK.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OH.

OH, YEAH.

I WAS AT THE DOCTOR THIS WEEK,

HE SAYS, "JOE, YOU SHOULD

REALLY TRY TO BE THE PERFECT

WEIGHT."

SO I LOOK BEHIND HIM ON THE

CHART AND IT TURNS OUT I'M STILL

WITHIN THE PARAMETERS OF BEING

THE PERFECT WEIGHT.

APPARENTLY I'M THE WRONG HEIGHT,

THAT'S MY PROBLEM!

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT FAT, I'M SHORT,

SCREW YOU, IS THAT MY FAULT?

THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MY FIANCEĆ© AND I ARGUE

ABOUT THIS, 'CAUSE SHE SAYS

I WON'T LOSE WEIGHT 'CAUSE I'M

LAZY, LOOK I AM NOT LAZY.

ALL RIGHT, I AM PATIENT.

[LAUGHTER]

I'M NOT IGNORING IT.

I'LL GET TO IT.

WHY MAKE THE BED IF WE'RE

GETTING IN IT IN TWELVE HOURS?

YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S MY ATTITUDE, YA KNOW?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M A...

SEE, SHE IS A REAL ACTIVE WOMAN,

SHE'S LIKE A REAL GO GET 'EM

WOMAN, AND I'M MORE LIKE A,

GO GET 'EM...MAN.

[LAUGHTER]

YA KNOW, WOMEN WANT A STABLE

GUY, I'M REAL STABLE, I HARDLY

EVER MOVE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SHE KNOWS WHERE TO FIND ME,

RIGHT WHERE SHE LEFT ME.

THAT'S CALLED DEPENDABLE IN A

RELATIONSHIP, YA KNOW?

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WE ARGUE SOMETIMES,

WE DON'T ARGUE ALL THE TIME.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK WE

ARGUE ALL THE TIME, WE JUST

ARGUE WHEN SHE TRIES TO MAKE ME

DO SOMETHING THAT I DON'T WANT

TO DO.

SHE MAKES ME GO TO THE DOCTOR

FOR MY CHECK UPS.

LOOK AT ME, I DON'T LIKE GOING.

I HATE THAT.

YOU WALK IN THE DOCTOR GOES,

FIRST THING "GET ON THE SCALE."

"GET ON THE SCALE?

LOOK AT ME, JUST MAKE UP A

NUMBER.

WHY I GOTTA GET ON THE SCALE?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JUST WRITE 'FAT BASTARD'.

CAN YOU WRITE 'FAT BASTARD'?

JUST PUT A ZERO WITH A BELT

ON IT, WE'LL KNOW WHAT IT

MEANS".

I NE... I HATE THAT.

AND LATELY HE'S BEEN VERY SNEAKY

THIS DOCTOR.

I, WHOA, HE IS TOUCHING ME

WHERE THERE'S NO REASON.

AND HE GOT ME TWO WEEKS AGO,

THIS SNEAKY BASTARD.

HE CALLED ME AND TOLD ME

TO COME IN FOR A COLONOSCOPY.

NOW, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS,

SO I SHOWED UP.

[LAUGHTER]

OH YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS,

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I WALK IN, HE SHOWS ME THIS

LITTLE, IT'S LIKE A TOOTSIE

ROLL, IT'S A LITTLE, A CAMERA,

THE SIZE OF A TOOTSIE ROLL.

WHAT HE DIDN'T SHOW ME WAS THAT

THE TOOTSIE ROLL GETS HOOKED UP

TO SOMETHING ABOUT 9 FEET LONG,

IT'S LIKE A ROPE.

[LAUGHTER]

HE DIDN'T SHOW ME THAT.

THEN THE NURSE WALKS IN WITH

A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE ABOUT

5 FEET LONG.

HE SAID, "THIS IS GOING TO

RELAX YOU."

I SAID, "OHHHH.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO,

BEAT ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT?"

SHE SHOT IT IN, I WAS GROGGY

AND STUFF AND THEN HE TOLD ME

TO LAY DOWN AND THEN OVER MY

SHOULDER I JUST REMEMBER A

MOTION IT WAS LIKE...

[LAUGHTER]

IT JUST KEPT GOING.

AND AFTER ABOUT A MINUTE I WAS

KIND OF PROUD OF MYSELF,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I WAS LIKE YEAH, I WAS WAVING

HIM ON LIKE, "GO AHEAD MAN, GO.

GO 'TIL YOU HIT MY TEETH MAN,

GO AHEAD.

[LAUGHTER]

I CAN TAKE IT, I'M A MAN."

I PASSED OUT AFTER THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED

AFTER I PASSED OUT BUT HE

BOUGHT ME THIS RING I'M WEARING

RIGHT HERE.

I...

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK WE'RE DATING NOW.

Loading...