Tuesday, June 23, 2015

  • 06/23/2015

"Clipped" stars Ryan Pinkston, Ashley Tisdale and Lauren Lapkus invent Batman villains, confess #RegretfulSubjectLines and suggest new Olympic sports.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH."

>>"BATMAN: ARKHAM KNIGHT IS THELATEST INSTALLMENT OF THE

BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO FRANCHISE. ITCAME OUT TUESDAY IN CASE YOU ARE

WONDERING WHY THE NERDS IN YOURLIFE AREN'T RESPONDING TO TEXTS.

IT'S THE FIRST GAME IN THESERIES WHERE YOU CAN DRIVE THE

( BLEEP ) BATMOBILE.

YOU KNOW YOUR STANDARD STAPLE OFVILLAINS. YOU GOT YOUR JOKER,

YOUR PENGUIN, YOUR RIDDLER. BUT

AS THEY KEEP MAKING MORE ANDMORE OF THESE GAMES, THE BATMAN

ROGUES GALLERY IS GETTINGSTRETCHED PRETTY THIN.

SO PANELISTS, WHAT'S A LAMEBATMAN VILLAIN MIGHT

WE SEE IN THE FUTURE?

>> THE TICKLER.

>> CHRIS: THAT WOULD DRIVE MECRAZY.

I CANNOT STAND TO BE TICKLED.

NOT EVEN FUN.

>>HE JUST PINS YOU DOWN AND-->>CHRIS: NO! THAT WOULD BE THE--

RYAN?

>> HARLEY QUINN, MEDICINE WOMAN.

>>CHRiS: YES, OH MY GOD, IT WASRIGHT THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

MOVING ON. R&B HAS A RICH ANDOILY TRADITION OF SEXUALLY

SUGGESTIVE TITLES, LIKE "LET'SGET IT ON" AND "SEXUAL

HEALING" AND THE '90s SLOWJAM THROWBACK GINUWINE

HAS RELEASED A NEW SONG THATGIVES A HEARTY MIDDLE FINGER TO

SUBTLETY.

COMING SOON TO A FILTHY AIRPORTADJACENT STRIP CLUB NEAR

YOU-- "LEAVE IT IN."

WHY NOT JUST LEAVE IT IN THEWHOLE TIME?

HERE'S A FUN FACT-- GINUWINE HASEIGHT KIDS HIMSELF.

SO MAYBE THE NEXT ONE SHOULD BECALLED "YANK IT OUT," OR "FINISH

IN HER HAIR FOR A CHANGE."

COMEDIANS, WHAT'S AN EVEN LESSSUBTLE TITLE FOR AN R&B SLOW JAM

THAN "LEAVE IT IN"?

ASHLEY.

>> WHO'S DICK IS THIS? IT'SMINE.

IT'S NOT DONE YET.

IT'S NOT DONE YET.

>> SHE'S GOT MORE.

>> I GOT MORE!

IT'S "WHO'S DICK IS THIS?

IT'S MINE, AND SOON IT WILL BEYOURS, GIRL"

>> CHRIS: YES, ALL RIGHT, GOOD,POINTS.

I FEEL LIKE THAT-->> I JUST NEEDED TO SAY THE

FIRST PART.

>> CHRIS: THAT'S IF A DICK YOUDIDN'T RECOGNIZE TEXTED YOU.

"WHO'S DICK IS THIS?"

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE"#HASHTAGWARS."

EVER ACCIDENTALLY EMAILED APICTURE OF YOUR FEET TO YOUR

SUPERVISOR AT SBARRO WHEN YOUMEANT TO SEND THEM TO

YOUR KINK DOMINATRIX?

WELL, THOSE DAYS ARE OVERBECAUSE GOOGLE HAS OFFICIALLY

ADDED AN UNDO FUNCTION TO THEIRGMAIL SERVICE GIVING USERS A

FIVE TO THIRTY SECOND BUFFERPERIOD TO UNSEND REGRETFUL

EMAILS.

SO IN HONOR OF THIS NEW WAY TOPARACHUTE OUT A REGRET,

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS#REGRETFULSUBJECTLINES.

EXAMPLES COULD BE LIKE "WILL YOUMARRY ME?" OR

"DIY LEMON PARTY TIPS." I'MGONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK AND BEGIN.YES, RYAN.

>> KILL MY WIFE?

>>CHRIS: POINTS. ASHLEY?

>> I'M SORRY I SLEPT WITH YOURBROTHER.

>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ANDYOUR MICROPENIS.

>> CHRIS: WHO'S MICROPENIS ISTHIS?

RYAN?

>> DONALD STERLING WOULD LIKE TOCONNECT WITH YOU ON

LINKEDIN.ASHLEY.

>> I TOTALLY REGRET SLEEPINGWITH YOUR BROTHER.

>> EVIDENCE FROM THE MURDER ICOMMITTED.

>> CHRIS: RYAN?

>> FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: HI.

>> CHRIS: POINTS.

LAUREN.

>> CLOSE-UP PICKS OF MY BUTTRASH.

>> CHRIS: YOU CAN STILL SEND THEPICTURE BUT THE SUBJECT LINE

SHOULD BE LIKE "LOOK AT THISADORABLENESS."

>>STUFF I DO IN THE BATHROOM: ACOMPLETE LIST.

>> JUST GOT THETEST BACK.

IT'S NOT YOURS.

>> CHRIS: WHAT?

GOOD!

IT'S NOW TIME TO PLAY"LOCOMERCIALS."

ONE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUTYOUTUBE IT HOW IT PRESERVED THE

LOWEST IN LOW-BUDGETCOMMERCIALS.

THESE SMALL BUSINESSES MAY HAVEONLY SPENT 50 BUCKS MAKING THESE

ADS, BUT THEY DESERVE TO LIVE ONAS IF THEY'D SPENT 60.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA LOCAL BUSINESS, AND FOR 250

POINTS, I WANT YOU TO GUESS WHATHAPPENS IN THEIR COMMERCIAL.

FIRST ONE, THIS IT BUSINESSCALLED COMPUTER NERDZ.

DOES THEIR AD FEATURE A POSSE OFNERDS LAUGHING HAUNTINGLY IN

UNISON?

ORA POSSE OF NERDS SILENTLY DOING

THE WAVE IN AN EMPTY OFFICE?>>I'M JUST PRESSING IT SO HE

DOESN'T GET IT. I'M GONNA COMEUP WITH IT. LET'S SEE, UH...

A POSSE OF NERDS SILENTLYDOING THE WAVE IN AN EMPTY

OFFICE?>>CHRIS: OKAY LET'S FIND OUT.

>> OK, WHO WANTS TO GO FIRST? MYNAME IS JAMES, AND I'M AFRAID OF

COMPUTERS.

CALL 1-800-NERD AND WE'LL SENDTHE NERD RIGHT OVER.

( LAUGHING )( APPLAUSE )

( LAUGHING )( APPLAUSE )

>> THAT'S MY ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.

THIS CLEVELAND AREA FURLNTURESTORE AD, DOES IT FEATURE A

FURNITURE SALESMAN UNDER ADINNER TABLE PLEASING CUSTOMERS

>>ASHLEY!>>CHRIS: YOU JUST GOT VERY

EXCITED AT THAT GUY'S FACE.

ORA FURNITURE SALESMAN EMERGING

FROM THE WOMB. WHAT DO YOU THINKTHAT'S GONNA BE,

ASHLEY?

>> A FURNITURE SALESMAN EMERGINGFROM THE WOMB?

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

( SCREAMING )>> MY NAME IS MARC, AND YOU CAN

COUNT ON US.

>> I DON'T THINK I CAN HAVE KIDSNOW.

>> HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'SCOMING OUT.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO GORIGHT BACK IN.

"I'M NOT DONE!"THIS AD FOR AN IDAHO MUSTARD

COMPANY.

DOES IT INVOLVE TWO GIRLSGETTING IN A SEXY CATFIGHT OVER

A JAR OF MUSTARD--YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO BOX

EVERYONE ELSE OUT--

OR A PHONE SEX OPERATOR ASKING AHOT DOG WHAT IT'S WEARING?

>> I'M STEALING THIS.

A PHONE SEX OPERATOR ASKING AHOT DOG WHAT IT'S WEARING?

>> NO!

>> STEAL IT!

>> NO, TWO GIRLS GETTING INTO ACAT FIGHT.

>> CHRIS: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

LAUREN TRIED TO GO WITH THEUNPRECEDENTED STEAL.

>> LOVE IT!

>> CHRIS: WHOEVER IS RIGHT GETSTHE POINTS.

DOES THAT SEEM FAIR?

>> YEAH.

>> IS THERE A THIRD OPTION?

>> NO, ( BLEEP ), WAY.

>> CHRIS: NO THIRD OPTION.

LET'S FIND OUT.

>> HEY!

SAVE ME SOME WAGNER'S IDAHOMUSTARD.

>> YEAH, RIGHT.

>> DON'T FORGET THE SASSY.

>> CHRIS: I THINK ASHLEY GETSTHE POINTS. I'M NOT 100% SURE

WHAT'S HAPPENING THERE.

YAY!

>> THIS IS HORRIBLE!

>> CHRIS: I JUST WANT TO SEE ITPAN DOWN AND HAVE THE GUY COME

OUT AND GO, "WHAT'S ALL THECOMMOTION!"

NEXT ONE: THIS PITTSBURGH KIADEALERSHIP.

IS THEIR SPOKESPERSON CARROT TOPOR GARY BUSEY?

>> OH!

NO!

>> CHRIS: LAUREN IS VERY UPSET.

RYAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

>>JUST 'CAUSE I LOVE GARYBUSEY,

I'M GONNA GO WITH GARY BUESEY.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> THAT'S A CUTE LITTLE THING,AIN'T IT?

I MEAN THE CAR.

I'M GARY BUSEY AND I JUST METTHE PARTY PATROL, AND THEY'VE

SHOWN ME 'ROUND THIS TOWN, AND

I KNOW I'M GONNA BE STAYING AWHILE.

>>CENTURY III KIA>>TELL THEM GARY SENT YA.

>> I LOVE THAT.

>> CHRIS: THIS IS THE LEASTSCARY THING IN THIS PICTURE.

LAST ONE:THIS TORONTO JEWELRY RESALE

BUSINESS.

DOES THIS OLD MAN DANCE LIKE AHORNDOG WHILE CALLING HIMSELF

"THE CASH MAN"OR

DIVE INTO A SEA OF FAKE GOLDJEWELRY LIKE A FAITHLESS SCROOGE

MCDUCK?

LAUREN.

>> OH!

OH!

DANCE LIKE A HORNDOG.

>> CHRIS: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I LOVE GOLD.

BRING ME YOUR OLD GOLD, AND I'LLGIVE ME CASH BECAUSE...

♪ I'M THE CASH MAN ♪>> YES!

I GOT ONE!

BEFORE THE BREAK, I SHOWED YOU AHOMEMADE REENACTMENT OF THE

MOVIE "WHALE RIDER", EXCEPTINSTEAD OF A WHALE IT WAS A

MOOSE AND INSTEAD OF A BRAVELITTLE GIRL FROM NEW ZEALAND, IT

WAS A DAD-BODDED DICKWEEDHARASSING A BEAUTIFUL WILD

ANIMAL.

I ASKED YOU TO EULOGIZE THISDUMB LUMMOX WHO HOPEFULLY DIED.

LET'S SEE WHAT YOU WROTE.LAUREN, LET'S START WITH YOU.

>> DAD DIED DOING WHAT HE LOVED,SUFFOCATING WILDLIFE LIKE A

PIECE OF ( BLEEP ).

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> CHRIS: ASHLEY?

>> R.I.P., DOUG, A HUGE( BLEEP ) WHO IS TOTALLY AND

JUSTIFIABLY OWNED BY THATBADASS MOOSE.

>> DOUG'S IN HEAVEN NOW.

DRUNKENLY RIDING GOD'S BACK ON ALAKE.

>> CHRIS: ALL RIGHT.

AS WE GO TO OUR NEXT GAME,"OLYMPIC SIZE FOOL."

PAPER-BASED WEBSITE "THE NEWYORK POST" SAYS THERE COULD BE

SEVEN NEW SPORTS AT THE 2020OLYMPICS IN TOKYO.

THERE COULD BE SEVEN NEW SPORTSAT THE 2020 "OY"MPICS.

THE JEWISH-RUN MEDIA HAS STRUCKAGAIN.

ASSUMING THE ASTEROID MISSES US,THE NEW SPORTS-EM-UPS YOU'LL BE

WATCHING IN FIVE YEARS WILL BESQUASH, KARATE, SURFING,

ROLLER SPORTS, SPORTCLIMBING AND WUSHU.

AND BOWLING!

BOWLING SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THEOLYMPICS A LONG TIME AGO!

IF CURLING IS IN THE OLYMPICS,( BLEEP ) BOWLING SHOULD BE IN

THE OLYMPICS!

A BUNCH OF OTHER SPORTS TRIEDOUT FOR THE OLYMPICS BUT WERE

ELIMINATED AND THEN PANTSED INTHE LOCKER ROOM.

THESE LOSER SPORTS INCLUDEBRIDGE, CHESS,

FLYING DISC, SUMO, FLOORBALL,AND KORFBALL, NOT TO BE CONFUSED

WITH WORFBALL --PANELISTS-- HE'S A FIERCE

COMPETITOR.

WHAT ARE SOME OTHER SPORTS YOUWOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE 2020

OLYMPICS? IN 60 SECONDS ANDBEGIN. YES, RYAN.

>>SYNCHRONIZED VAPE CLOUDS.

>> CHRIS: POINTS. LAUREN.

>>SWIMMING IN JEANS.>>CHRIS: POINTS

RYAN.

>> THE BI-CURIOUS-ATHALON.>>CHRIS: POINTS. ASHLEY.

>> NOT CRYING IN A PIXAR MOVIE.>>CHRIS: POINTS. ASHLEY.

>> EATING A SALAD WHILE DRIVING.>>POINTS. LAUREN LAPKUS.

>> MASTURBATING QUIETLY WHILEYOUR ROOMMATE IS SLEEPING.