Extended - Thursday, August 11, 2016 - Uncensored

  • 08/11/2016

Kurt Metzger, Annie Lederman and Al Jackson revisit Donald Trump's past, name #SexyAthletes and list Trump's presidential debate terms in this extended, uncensored episode.

First up-- keeping up

Trump-earances.

Keeping up Trump-earances.

(applause and cheering)

Since screeching hobo's filthy

lice-ravaged ball sack that's

been dragged over a urine-soaked

truck stop toilet and repeatedly

slapped with a greasy

maggot-covered slice of pizza,

pulled out of a flaming Dumpster

and covered in mutant deer

ticks, created in a steroid

factory after the technicians

were up all night getting buzzed

off cough syrup, Donald Trump,

uh, announced his candidacy...

(applause and cheering)

...the Internet can't get enough

of digging up his embarrassing

old television appearances.

What's the latest Trump clip to

go viral?

A: Trump awkwardly playing beach

volleyball?

B: Trump awkwardly playing air

guitar at Cheap Trick concert?

C: Trump awkwardly sacrificing a

goat in order to please the

Ancient Dark Gods?

Annie.

>> Uh, Trump awkwardly playing

air guitar at a Cheap Trick

concert.

>> HARDWICK: Let's find out.

>> Here it is, Your Moment of

Zen.

>> Nice serve from Feiffer.

(Trump groans)

>> Wow.

(indistinct chatter)

>> Yeah!

(whistle blowing)

>> Well, his hat looks great.

(laughter)

>> HARDWICK: I like that spry

teenage boy who introduced the

clip.

Who was that young man?

>> You did such a good job.

>> How could he think he'd hit a

volleyball with those little pin

hands, honestly?

(laughter)

>> HARDWICK: Why does he look

worse back then?

(laughter)

>> That's another good question.

>> Every girl that, like, wants

to be a gold digger, like, these

are the guys you have to fuck.

Like, guys who look like this.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

>> Just finish grad school.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

>> Well...

>> HARDWICK: Here's a slightly

more dynamic Vine complete with

a "Top Gun" soundtrack that Kyle

Griffin posted to Twitter.

>> ♪ I'd say it was the right

time... ♪

(laughter)

>> It looks like Matteo Lane.

>> I love it.

>> HARDWICK: ♪ Highway to the

safety zone. ♪

Who needs shirtless Tom Cruise

when you got those perky man

boobs bouncing up and down in

that saucy polo shirt.

Oh, is it out?

No, it's fucking tucked all the

way in.

Way in those jeans.

>> Have you ever seen a shirt

tucked in on the beach?

>> HARDWICK (laughing): No.

>> That look... that look, like,

just says undercover cop.

>> I like... I want to, like...

>> HARDWICK: "Hey, you kids know

where I can score some grass?"

"Get out of here!

You're a narc!"

"No, what are you talking about?

I'm cool."

>> Oh, I wanted to see him

topless so bad.

>> HARDWICK: So...

>> Just see if that chest hair

was the same.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, my God.

>> It's real.

>> HARDWICK: I'm surprised he

was that close to the water.

I think the salt water burns his

skin, like... I'm surprised...

>> Well, I... no, it looks like,

uh, the-the Michael Keaton

Batman when the Joker gets his

face ripped.

>> HARDWICK: Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, totally.

>> Uh, I never tuck in my shirt

'cause I'm afraid I'm gonna shit

my pants one day and it'll,

like, shoot up my back and hit

me.

(laughter)

Whatever, he's... maybe he's

greater than me.

>> HARDWICK: Yup, that...

This is a little warning, if

you do that, it creates a shit

shoot...

>> There you go.

>> HARDWICK: ...that goes right

up here... and then...

>> Goes right to your mullet.

>> Oh, God, it's too late!

Look at that hair.

>> HARDWICK: It's too late!

Oh, my God!

He can't stop shitting!

Look at it!

Oh, somebody help him!

Oh, my God, it's everywhere!

(cheers and applause)

>> It's weird...

It's weird that...

it's weird that he's picked,

like, a color to dye his hair

that wasn't his hair color.

Like, on top of it.

Like, he was never a blond.

He's like, "Now's my time."

>> HARDWICK: Yeah, "Now's my

time... to go blond."

I don't know.

I don't know.

Anyway, fuck that guy.

>> Whatever.

>> HARDWICK: Uh...

>> Oh, I'm voting for him.

You guys aren't...?

Oh! Oh!

>> HARDWICK: Yeah of course,

yeah.

Now it's time for #HashtagWars.

(applause and cheering)

Every four years, the Summer

Olympics asks the question,

"What happens when you bring

together all the world's finest

athletes, emphasis on 'the

fine'?"

The answer: So much fucking.

(laughing)

And a little bit of sucking.

To get ready for more fucking.

"USA Today" reports that the

athletes at Rio's Olympic

Village have been provided with

a record-breaking 450,000

condoms.

That's enough for each athlete

to use two condoms per day,

every single day.

In other words, the Olympic

rowers can use one for sex, and

one to make sure they don't get

a mouthful of poison water.

(audience groans)

(scattered applause)

So in honor of those promiscuous

competitors, tonight's hashtag

is #SexyAthletes.

>> I have a question.

>> HARDWICK: Yeah.

>> Don't they want these people

to fuck and have more kids?

Like, Olympians fucking

Olympians?

Make super people.

>> Not there.

>> HARDWICK: I don't know if you

know what's happening in Rio,

but not now.

>> Not there.

Not there.

>> HARDWICK: Not there.

>> What are you, a bug chaser?

All right, let's do this.

>> HARDWICK: Examples of this

might be, uh, "Tim Teabag," and

"Two in the Pink, One in the

Gronk."

I'm going to put 60 seconds on

the clock, and begin.

(bell dings)

Annie.

>> Kristi Yamacoochie.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Kurt.

>> Greg Lube-anus.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Al.

>> Pounda Rousey.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Annie.

>> Jackie Throbinson.

>> HARDWICK (laughing): Points.

Annie.

>> Blow Jackson.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Kurt.

>> Penis and Vagina Williams.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Annie.

>> Apolo Ohno This Has Never

Happened Before.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Al.

>> Hope I Masturbatesolo.

>> HARDWICK: Points.

Kurt.

>> Oscar Pissedonyourchest.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Al.

>> Kyrie Slurping.

>> HARDWICK: All right. Points.

Annie.

>> The Williams Fisters.

>> HARDWICK: All right. Points.

(buzzer sounds)

Points.

If you know Donald Trump, you

know he doesn't play by

society's rules!

Like being decent to people and

not lying all the time about

stuff.

That's why on Tuesday he told

Time magazine that he would only

agree to do the upcoming

presidential debates if he could

set the terms himself.

That means no debates during NFL

games, no crying babies, no mean

moderators who will ask unfair

"gotcha" questions like, "We

shouldn't have a president who

suggests shooting Hillary

Clinton, right?"

Comedians, what are some terms

that Donald Trump is demanding

for his presidential debate?

In 60 seconds. And begin.

Kurt.

>> He wants the audience to be

mostly coal miners so it can

look like he has some black

supporters.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Al.

>> He gets to yell "Bitch,

please" if he disagrees with

Hillary.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Annie.

>> Chris Christie has to be

onstage the whole time so he has

someone to bully.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Uh, Annie.

>> His daughter gets to sit in

his lap the whole time.

It helps him concentrate!

>> HARDWICK: Al.

>> Hillary can only ask him

questions about The Apprentice.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Annie.

>> They must provide a hotel

room for Scott Baio so he

doesn't have to sleep in his

car.

>> HARDWICK: All right, points.

Kurt.

>> He'll do the debate, but the

whole thing has to be just them

singing in a car with James

Corden.