Goldthwait, Fitzsimmons, Swardson, Belzer

  • Season 1, Ep 3
  • 05/12/2004

Bobcat Goldthwait takes on a man harassing a polar bear, Greg Fitzsimmons predicts the future of cloning, and Nick Swardson ponders Jane Goodall's career choice.

(Dane Cook)UH, I'M ALITTLE SORE BECAUSEA COUPLE DAYS BACK

I GOT INTO A CARACCIDENT, NOT MY FAULT.

EVEN IF IT'S NOTYOUR FAULT,

THE OTHER PERSON GETSOUT OF THEIR CAR

AND LOOKS AT YOU LIKEIT'S YOUR FAULT.

"WHY DID YOU STOPAT A RED LIGHT

"AND LET ME HITYOU DOING 80?

WHAT THE (beep)?"

"I JUST PUT EIGHT (beep)BUCKS OF GAS AT MOBIL

IN THIS BITCH, ANDYOU DAMAGED IT."

AND AFTER YOU'RE STAREDAT FOR A LITTLE BIT,

YOU GOTTA TAKE THEINFORMATION, RIGHT?

THEY ALWAYS WRITETHEIR (BEEP) DOWN

AND YOU LOOK AT IT.

DID THEY HAVE, LIKE,A SEIZURE WHILETHEY WERE WRITING?

"DUDE, YOU'VE GOT A 48DIGIT PHONE NUMBER.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

"THAT'S NOT--WAIT ASECOND, IS THAT A GREEK G?

"WHAT IS THIS... THAT'S AMONKEY (beep) A COCONUT.

DUDE, WHAT IS GOING ON?"

YOU'RE SKETCHING...I WANT YOUR INFO."

YOU JUST WANNA TAKETHE INFORMATION

AND GET OUTTA THERESO YOU CAN GO HOME

AND KICK YOUR CATAND BE PISSED,

BUT THAT'S WHENYOU LOOK AROUND

AND THERE'S PEOPLEEVERYWHERE.

WHAT IS IT ABOUTCAR ACCIDENTS?

WHY DO WE LOVECAR ACCIDENTS?

WHY DO WE ALWAYS NEEDTO BE--AND I KNOWYOU'RE JUST LIKE ME.

IT'S 2:00 IN THE MORNING,IT'S DEAD QUIET.

SITTING, WATCHING TV.

MAYBE YOU'RE ON YOURCOMPUTER, YOU KNOW,

GOT THE WINDOW OPEN.

ALL OF A SUDDEN YOUHEAR THAT (screeches).

"DAMN IT."

ALWAYS WAITIN' FORTHE IMPACT, RIGHT?

AND WHEN YOU GETIT, YOU'RE PSYCHED.

IT'S LIKE...(screeching andcrashing sound).

"WHERE ARE MY SHOES,WHERE ARE MY SHOES?

"SHOES, MOM, SHOES.

"SOMEBODY COULDBE DEAD OUTSIDE.

WHERE ARE MY (beep) SHOES?"

AND YOU RUN OUT OFYOUR HOUSE, RIGHT?

YOU GET OUTSIDE, ANDYOUR NEIGHBORS ARE COMINGOUT OF THEIR HOUSE

AND YOU'RE, LIKE, HAPPYTO SEE EACH OTHER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, YOUWANNA GO TOGETHER?

COME ON, WE CAN SKIP."

PEOPLE LOVE IT.

PEOPLE COMING OUT OFBUSHES AND (beep)...

"WHAT'S GOING ON, ACCIDENT?"

(laughing)"GREAT."

LITTLE KIDS SITTIN' ONMAILBOXES WITH BANNERS.

"HA HA HA, THEYHIT EACH OTHER."

(Dana Gould)I'VE READ A LOTABOUT ALIEN ABDUCTIONS.

I AM A BIG FAN OFTHAT STUFF, AND IDON'T BELIEVE IN THEM

'CAUSE IT IS ALWAYSTHE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES,

THE SAME TYPE OF PEOPLE,THE SAME SITUATIONS.

IT'S NEVER A BLACK GUY,IT'S NEVER AN HISPANIC GUY,

IT'S NEVER A PHYSICISTFROM THE NETHERLANDS.

IT IS ALWAYS SOMEDUMB WHITE (beep)

FROM THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

IT'S NEVER ANYONEOF IMPORTANCE.

IT'S ALWAYS SOME CRACKER.

"I WAS ABDUCTED...AND ANALLY PROBED

"BY TWO ALIENS WHO HADDISGUISED THEMSELVES

"AS MY BUDDIESBRAD AND DUKE.

"I WAS TAKEN ONBOARD A SPACESHIP

THAT WAS MADE TOLOOK LIKE THE BACKOF DUKE'S WAREHOUSE."

"THEIR ALIEN LANGUAGE SOUNDEDLIKE HUMANS WHEN WE GIGGLE."

BUT HERE'S MY THEORY--IFPEOPLE REALLY ARE GETTINGABDUCTED BY ALIENS

AND ALIENS REALLYARE DOING THAT,

WHAT IS GOINGTHROUGH THEIR MINDS?

"WE HAVE MASTERED THEINFINITIES OF TRAVELTHROUGH TIME AND SPACE,

"BUT THE ANALCAVITY ELUDES US.

"THE VAST SEA OF THE UNKNOWNTHAT IS THE UNIVERSE

"IS BUT A SHALLOWPOND COMPARED TO

THE DEPTHS OF MYSTERYCONTAINED IN THE HUMAN ASS."

(Nick Swardson)SO I WAS WATCHINGDISCOVERY CHANNEL,

AND THEY HAD THIS SPECIALON, UH, JANE GOODALL.

SHE'S THE WOMANWHO STUDIED APES.

FOR SIX YEARS, SHE LEFT,WENT AND STUDIED APES,

AND THEN JUST CAME HOME.

WHAT A WEIRD THINGTO DO WITH YOUR LIFE.

LIKE, AN APE COULDN'TDO THAT TO US.

AN APE COULDN'T WALKINTO YOUR HOUSE

AND JUST STUDY YOUFOR SIX YEARS.

THE APE'S IN THECORNER MOCKING YOU.

"IS THE APE STILL HERE?"

"I THINK SO."

"HEY, WHAT'S UP?"

AND IT'S LIKE... "WHATTHE HELL WAS THAT?"

BUT LIVING WITHAPES FOR SIX YEARS?

THAT'S INSANE.

I WONDER IF IT RUBBEDOFF ON HER AT ALL.

SHE HAD TO HAVEPICKED UP APE TRAITS,

RIGHT?

OVER SIX YEARS.

DO YA THINK SHE EVER LETIT SLIP OUT, ON ACCIDENT?

SHE'S ARGUING APARKING TICKET.

"NO, SERIOUSLY, I'LLMOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO WRITEIT, I'LL MOVE IT.

"I JUST, I LITERALLY RANIN FOR TWO SECONDS.

"I'LL MOVE THE CAR, OKAY?

"YOU DON'T HAVE TOWRITE THE TICKET.

"I'M SAYING I'LLMOVE IT NOW.

"YOU'RE NOTLISTENING TO ME.

"I'LL MOVE IT,I'LL MOVE IT.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL WRITING?

"I'LL MOVE IT RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT--YOU'RENOT LISTEN--"

(farting sounds)

"I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

"I LIVED WITH APES.

I'M SORRY."

SOME PEOPLE NEED BONEMARROW TRANSPLANTS,

AND THE HOPE IS THAT SOMEDAYYOU CAN JUST CLONE YOURSELF

AND THEN EXTRACT BONEMARROW FROM YOUR CLONE,

SO YOU KNOW WHERETHAT'S HEADED.

PRETTY SOON EVERYBODY'S JUSTGONNA WANT THEIR OWN CLONE,

RIGHT?

JUST ANOTHER ONE OF YOU.

JUST SPARE PARTS THATYOU MIGHT RUN OUT OF.

YOU DON'T EVEN TEACHHIM HOW TO SPEAK.

YOU THROW A LEASH ONHIM, DRAG HIM AROUND.

HE'S MISSING FINGERS,TEETH, CLUMPS OF HAIR.

"AHHH.

AHHH."

YOU'RE DRINKING YOUR ASSOFF, YOU DON'T CARE.

YOU GOT A FRESH LIVERTHREE FEET BEHIND YOU.

YOU CAN'T GET ITUP ONE NIGHT...

"STUNT (beep),GET IN THERE."

"AHHH.

AHHH."

"HEY, MAN,GIMME A HAND."

"AHHH."

BUT THEY'RE NOT GONNACLONE EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW OUR SOCIETY.

ONLY CERTAIN PEOPLEWILL GET CLONED.

JUST THE TALL, SKINNY,BEAUTIFUL MODEL TYPE PEOPLE.

THEY'LL ALL GETCLONED, RIGHT?

THE ENTIRE PLANET--TALL SKINNY PEOPLE,

AND THEN THE EARTH WILLSTART TO COOL A LITTLE BIT,

AND ALL THE SKINNYPEOPLE WILL STARTDROPPING LIKE FLIES...

BECAUSE THEY'RE WEAK.

YOU EVER SEE A SKINNYGUY ON A COLD DAY?

THEY TREMBLELIKE CHIHUAHUAS.

THEN YOU SEE A FAT GUY,IN A TANK TOP, SWEATING.

(Dom Irrera)DON'T YOU THINK IT'SAMAZING HOW SOME GUYS,

NO MATTER WHATTHEY LOOK LIKE,

THEY THINK THEY SHOULDBE GOIN' OUT

WITH THE HOTTESTCHICKS ON EARTH?

THERE IS A GUY WHO LOOKSLIKE HE'S HIT IN THEFACE WITH A FRYING PAN,

HE'S GOT THATPEKINGESE DOG PROFILE,

AND HE'S CUTTINGWOMEN UP...

"BOY, SHE'S A BEAST, WHATA SKANK THAT DOG IS."

THAT'S MY COUSIN LOUIS... WEWALK INTO A BAR, HE GOES...

"HEY, DOM, I THINK THATWAITRESS NOTICED ME."

"WHAT DO YOU THINKSHE NOTICED, LOUIS?

"THE FACT THAT YOURBELLY CAME IN FOURSTEPS AHEAD OF YOU?

YOU THINK SHE WASWONDERING WHAT WAS BEHINDTHAT BOWL OF GIRTH?"

"YEAH, SHE WON'TGO OUT WITH ME.

SHE MUST BE, LIKE, ALESBO OR SOMETHING."

"WELL, SHE'D HAVE TO BE ALESBIAN NOT TO GO OUTWITH A HUNK LIKE YOU.

"IT COULDN'T BE THATRING OF COLD SORESABOUT TO POP OFF

"YOUR IMPETIGO-INFESTED NECK,DIRT BALL...

BUT I DON'T MEAN THATIN A BAD WAY, LOUIS."

WE'RE AT A BAR, HE'S GOTHIS HAND OVER HIS DRINK...

"WHY DO YOU GOT YOURHAND OVER YOUR DRINK?"

"YOU KNOW,MAN, ROOFIES.

THE DATE RAPE DRUG."

"LOUIS, FIRST OF ALL,LET'S CLEAR THE AIR HERE.

"YOU ARE A HUMAN MANATEE.

"NOBODY IS GONNA WANNAPUT YOU TO SLEEP TOHAVE SEX WITH YOU.

"I GUARANTEE YOU COULDPASS YOUR DRINKAROUND THE ROOM,

"AND IT WOULD PROBABLYCOME BACK FORTIFIEDWITH VITAMINS

"'CAUSE THEY FEELSO BAD FOR YOU.

DRINK UP, MY FRIEND."

(Bobcat Goldthwait)THERE'S A GUYIN THE PAPER...

HE GOT EATEN BYA POLAR BEAR.

HE WAS IN THECENTRAL PARK ZOO,

AND HE HAD BEEN HARASSINGTHE POLAR BEAR,

IT SAID IN THE NEWSPAPER,FOR THREE DAYS...

CLIMBED OVER THE WALL,GOT EATEN IN 45 SECONDS.

I'D BE LYIN' IF I DIDN'TTELL YA I LAUGHED WHENI READ THAT ARTICLE,

AND I'M NOT TRYIN'TO BE RACIST,

BUT, LOOK IT, HE DIDHAVE A LATINO NAME,

AND THEY SAID HE'D BEENHARASSING THE POLAR BEAR.

LIKE, WAS THIS GUYSHOWING UP OUTSIDE THEPOLAR BEAR CAGE LIKE...

(Bobcat using Latino accent)"HELLO, HELLO, POLAR BEAR,OH, I SEE YOU POLAR BEAR.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCHBETTER THAN EVERYBODY ELSE.

"YOU AIN'T (beep),POLAR BEAR.

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO MUCHBETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE

"'CAUSE YOU'RE ON THECOCA-COLA COMMERCIAL?

"I'LL (beep) YOU UP, BITCH.

"YOU NOT A POLAR BEAR, YAKNOW, YOU A PUNTA BEAR.

THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE,YOU A PUNTA BEAR."

(Bobcat in normal voice)THIS CRAZY (beep) ISHARASSING A BEAR.

HOW DO YOU HARASS A BEAR?

IT WASN'T LIKE THE BEARWAS ON THE OTHER SIDEOF THE GLASS GOING,

"IF THAT (beep) GUY COMESBACK ONE MORE TIME.

"I AM MIFFED.

M-I-F-F-E-D, MIFFED!"

(Bobcat in normal voice)AND THENHE CLIMBS UP...

(Bobcat in accent)"THIS IS GO TIME,IT'S GO TIME.

"IT'S GO TIME, BITCH.

"YOU TAKE OFF THAT WHITECOAT OR I'M GONNA(beep) IT UP, TOO.

I'LL (beep) UP THATWHITE COAT, BITCH."

(Bobcat in normal voice)CLIMBED OVER THEWALL, 45 SECONDS...

AND WE WOULD ALLPAY TO SEE THAT

IF WE COULD SEE THAT TAPE.