Slap-Ass: In Recovery

  • Season 4, Ep 4
  • 10/15/2014

Raffi returns to the locker room, Reginald VelJohnson becomes furious about the state of "Family Matters," and a mobster ruins an important peace talk.

SLAP-ASS!

SLAP-ASS!SLAP-ASS!

WHOO!HEY, GARCIA.

- GET HIM UP OUT OF HERE!GET OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM!

YOU GET OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM.AHORA!

- AHH, SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS,SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS, SLAP-ASS.

- WHOO.- GOOD GAME, GUYS, WAY TO GO.

- GOOD HIT, GARCIA.

- HEY! OH, YOU DON'T--HEY, HEY,HEY, HEY, KNOCK IT OFF.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.GUYS, GUYS, GUYS.

PLEASE KNOW,

RAFI JUST GOT OUT OF TREATMENT,REMEMBER?

WE DON'T WANT TO TRIGGER HIMWITH ANY SLAP-ASS.

- HEY!

WHAT THE FUCKIS GOING ON HERE?

WHY WE ALL ACTINGLIKE THE FUNERAL IN HERE?

- NO, NOTHING, RAFI, HEH.

YOU JUST CAUGHT US IN THE LULLIN THE CONVERSATION, MAN.

WE'RE HAPPY.all: YEAH!

- YAY!- WE'RE HAPPY HERE.

- I WAS A LITTLE AFRAIDFOR A SECOND,

'CAUSE, I MEAN,THAT WAS A GOOD GAME, HUH?

GOOD GAME.- YEAH, GOOD GAME.

- ALL RIGHT.HEY, GOOD GAME.

GOOD GAME, MAN.

GOOD GAME.

OKAY.

THERE'S A ELEFANTE IN THE ROOM.

YOU KNOW,I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

SI, I HAD A PROBLEM.

IT WAS BAD.

AT MY LOWEST POINT,

I WOULD SNEAKINTO A HORSE'S STABLE.

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELFAT 1:00 A.M. IN THE MORNING

WITH YOUR HAND IN THE AIR

AND A HORSE'S ASS

IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE,

THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S BAD.

- OH, RAFI.

- BUT I'M OKAY NOW.

I'M ALL BETTER, GUYS, HONESTLY.

JUST TREAT MELIKE I'M NORMAL, OKAY?

- OKAY, RAFI.- LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.

- OKAY, RAFI.- IT'S A GAME.

IT'S BASEBALL.- HEY, ALL RIGHT.

- HERE, HERE.

- YOU FUCKING GUYS.- IT'S A GOOD GAME.

- GARCIA,

YOU CAN PICK UPYOUR GLOVE.

[whispering]COME ON, PICK UP YOUR GLOVE.

[laughs]

HEY, WHAT I TOLD YOU, HUH?

IT'S JUST NORMAL, GUYS.COME ON.

YOU SEE, I'M FINE.I'M ALL BETTER NOW.

YOU GUYS CAN DOTHE NORMAL STUFF.

BE YOURSELVES.BEND THINGS OVER.

PICK THINGS UP.

YOU KNOW, DO YOUR STRETCHES.

TOUCH YOUR TOES,YOU STUPID FUCKERS.

- [whistles]EXCUSE, POR FAVOR.

HOLA, AMIGOS.

- HOLA.- MY NAME IS RUBEN.

I JUST CAME OVERFROM THE BRAVES' FARM TEAM.

I'M FROM THE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC.

- HEY.- OH.

- WE'RE ALL FROMTHE DOMINICAN REPUBLIC.

- YEAH.- I'M REALLY EXCITED

TO BE WORKINGAND PLAYING WITH YOU ALL.

GO, RHINOS.all: GO, RHINOS.

- ALL RIGHT.- GO, RHINOS!

- ALL RIGHT.- WHOO.

- THAT'S THE KIND OF SPIRITI LIKE TO SEE THERE, RUBEN.

ALL RIGHT,WELCOME TO THE SQUAD, MAN.

- THANK YOU.- IT'S GOOD TO SEE ANOTHER--

- ALL RIGHT.MUY BUENO.

ALL RIGHT.

- WE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT.

- WHOO.

- OH, THEY, UH...

REALLY PUT YOUR LOCKERRIGHT NEXT TO MY LOCKER, HUH?

- I GUESS SO.

- YEAH, YEAH.- YOU GOT THIS, MAN.

- YOU'RE JUSTSPENDING AN AWFUL LOT

OF TIME DOWN THERE, YOU KNOW?

- HEY, I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF.

- YEAH.- A LOT.

- I SEE THAT.

- RAFI, YOU CAN DO THIS.

- OH, MY GOODNESS.

- YOU OKAY THERE, BUDDY?

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING TOO GOOD.

- I AM FEELINGA LITTLE BIT FLUSHED.

- YOU KNOW,I GOT A GOOD FEELING ABOUT YOU.

MAYBE WE COULD BE GOOD FRIENDS,MAYBE EVEN THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

- MAYBE ANOTHER TIME.

ANOTHER PLACE.

BUT NOT HERE.

NOT NOW.

- WELL, EITHER WAY,

WE'RE TEAMMATES,

AND SO,ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU,

ASK AWAY.

- GOT IT.- EH.

- OKAY.- GO, RHINOS!

- OKAY.- YEAH!

UH!

- OH, NO.

NO, RAFI!

- SLAP-ASS!- RAFI, NO!

- I WANT TO SLAP-ASS!I WANT TO SLAP IT!

- NO, YOU CANNOT PLAY SLAP-ASS.- YES, I WANT TO SLAP IT.

- YOU CANNOT PLAY SLAP-ASS.

- YOU CAN'TKEEP ME FROM SLAP-ASS.

- YOU CANNOT HAVE THE SLAP-ASS.- I NEED TO SLAP IT.

- YOU CANNOT HAVE THE SLAP-ASS!- YES, YES, I CAN HAVE IT.

- NO SLAP-ASS.NO SLAP-ASS.

- YES, SLAP-ASS.

- NO SLAP-ASS.- SLAP-ASS--

- NO SLAP-ASS.

both: NO SLAP-ASS.

- THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.

- I AM SO EXCITED.

I AM SO EXCITED.

- I KNOW IT'S A BIG ASS.

- I'M SO, SO SCARED.- I KNOW.

I KNOW.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT WAS JUST TOO HARD TO RESIST.

- OKAY.

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- I'M OKAY.- OKAY.

- HEY, GUYS.

YOU KNOW MAYBEAFTER A GAME VICTORY

WE COULD ALL GO DANCING, RIGHT?HUH?

BOP, BA-BOP, BA-BOP,BA-BOP, BA-BOP, BA-BOP.

BA-BOP, BA-BOP, BA-BOP.

[in slow motion]BA-BOP, BA-BOP, BA-BOP, BA-BOP,

BA-BOP, BA-BOP, BA-BOP, BA-BOP.

- [in slow motion]NO!

- SLAP-ASS!

- YOU--LET ME THROUGH.

THIS IS BULLSHIT, GENE.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT.WHAT'S THE MATTER, RICH?

- IN THE NEXT EPISODE

STEVE URKEL TURNS CARLINTO A GIANT SANDWICH

AND ACCIDENTALLY EATS HIM?

- HA-HA, BUT WAIT,THAT'S HILARIOUS, BUDDY.

IT'S HILARIOUS.- COME ON!

I'M AN ACTOR, GENE!

THIS WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE ABOUT ME AND MY FAMILY.

- I KNOW,BUT YOU KNOW, AFTER THAT--

AFTER THAT FIRST GUEST SPOTWITH STEVE URKEL,

I MEAN, AMERICA FELL IN LOVEWITH HIM, MAN.

WE HAD TO MAKE HIM A REGULAR,AND NOW, YOU KNOW--

HEY, LISTEN, HE'S THE STAROF THE SHOW NOW, SWEETHEART.

WE GOTTA PLAY BALL, BUBBELEH.

- DON'T YOU DARE"BUBBELEH" ME, GENE.

NOW, LAST WEEK, STEVE USEDHIS TRANSFORMATION MACHINE

TO TURN CARL INTO A CAR

AND DRIVE HIM AROUNDTHE MONACO GRAND PRIX?

COME ON!

HOW MANY TIMES YOU GONNAUSE THIS TRANSFORMATION MACHINE?

THIS WAS SUPPOSEDTO BE A BLUE COLLA COSBY SHOW.

NOW YOU'RE TURNING ITINTO GODDAM QUANTUM LEAP.

WHO WRITES THIS SHIT?

- OKAY, I COULDN'T TELL YOUEVEN IF I WANTED TO, OKAY, MAN?

WE GOT, LIKE,21 WRITERS UP THERE, OKAY?

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,REGINALD?

BUT YOU AND I BOTH KNOWTHAT THEY DON'T DECIDE

WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS SHOW, OKAY?

WE BOTH KNOW WHO DECIDESWHAT HAPPENS IN THE SHOW.

- TWO WEEKS AGO STEVE URKEL USEDHIS INVISIBILITY RAY ON CARL

AND I WASN'TEVEN IN THE GODDAMN EPISODE.

IT WAS JUST MY VOICE.- YES, I KNOW.

I KNOW, REGINALD.I'M SORRY.

I FUCKING APOLOGIZE.IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

- THEN STEVE USED HISVOICE-CHANGING RAY TO TURN CARL

INTO A HIGH-PITCHED,NERDY VOICE.

WHO DO YOU THINKPROVIDED THE VOICE FOR THAT?

- DON'T GET TOO FEISTYON ME NOW, REG.

LET'S NOT GO DOWN THAT PATH,OKAY?

- OH, OH, WE ARE GOINGDOWN THAT PATH, GENE.

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS,HARRIET, EDDIE, LAURA, GRANDMA,

AUNT RACHEL, LITTLE RICHIE,AND THE OTHER LITTLE KID

ARE GONNA GET TELEPORTEDTO ANOTHER DIMENSION,

AND THEN STEVE INJECTS CARLWITH HIS OWN DNA,

SO CARLTURNS INTO ANOTHER STEVE URKEL.

THAT'S TWO STEVE URKELSAND NO FAMILY

ON A SHOW CALLE FAMILY MATTERS.

HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK?

- LISTEN, LISTEN, REGINALD.I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.

URKEL MANIA IS UNSTOPPABLE,OKAY?

HE'S A PHENOMENON.

THERE'S NOTHINGWE CAN DO ABOUT IT, OKAY?

IT'S UP TO S--

HIM.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

I'M AN ACTOR.I'M A FUCKING ACTOR.

I AM A REAL ACTOR.

I DI RICHARD III.

I WAS I TRUE WES |WITH SHERMAN HEMSLEY.

I WAS I DIEHARD DAMN IT.

FUCK STEVE URKEL!

- FUCK--YOU WILL SUCK

STEVE URKEL'S FUCKIF HE WANTS YOU TO!

YOU WILL SUCK HIS FUCKING DICK,DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

HE IS OUR BREAD AND BUTTER,YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!

- I'M A FUCKING ACTOR, GENE!

I DONE MORE COCAINETHAN YOU WEIGH, MOTHERFUCKER!

- I'M GONNA TELL YOU WHAT YOUARE, REGINALD VELJOHNSON.

YOU'RE A FUCKING PAWNIN THAT NERD'S GAME.

YOU ARE A FUCKING PAWN!

DO YOU THINK I HAVE ANY POWEROVER WHAT THAT MONSTER DOES?

ANY POWER AT ALL?

- AHH!

- I AM THE SENIOR VICE PRESIDENTOF DEVELOPMENT

FOR THE AMERICAN BRO--

- GENE?GENE?

GENE, WHAT'S BECOME OF YOU,GENE?

- I AM NOTHING.

- GENE, I DON'T KNOWWHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT, GENE,

BUT YOU'RE SCARING ME.

OH, NO, DON'T, DON'T,DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY, GENE.

EVERYONE DOES TOO MUCH COKESOMETIMES,

BUT DO THE--JUST, WHAT ARE YOUGONNA DO WITH THE GUN, GENE?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?DON'T--NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE CAN TALK THIS THROUGH.

OKAY?

- THE KING IS DEAD.

LONG LIVE THE KING.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

- DID I DO THAT?

- JALEEL.- JALEEL?

THERE IS NO JALEEL.

ONLY STEVE.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN STEVE.

- YIPPIE KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER![gun clicking]

- FORGETTING SOMETHING, CARL?

- DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME.

STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU HEAR?

- COULD HAVE ALL BEEN SO SIMPLE,CARL.

JUST SAY YOUR LINES

AND TAKE THE MONEY.

- YOU'RE A MONSTER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I, I, I, I CAN'T CONTROL--

- AM I DOING THIS?

- NO, NO, NO,

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

STEVE, I'LL DO ANYTHING.

- YOU WILL DOWHAT I WANT O FAMILY MATTERS.

- YES, YES.

OF COURSE, STEVE.

- SEE YOU ON SET, CARL.

- GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, STEVE!

- THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ONE OFTHE BEST FRENCH PLACES IN TOWN.

- MM, I DID NOT REALIZETHAT YOU WERE SO CULTURED.

- YOU'RE SWEET.

MY FRENCH IS PRETTY GOOD,

SO I CAN ORDER FOR BOTH OF US.

- OOH.- IF YOU'D LIKE.

- WELL, WELL, WELL.

- BONJOUR.

WELCOME TO CHEZDE LA NOTRE VENDRE,

I AM YOUR WAITERFOR THIS EVENING.

MY NAME ISJEAN-LUC DE LA PIERRE-RENAULT,

BUT YOU MAY CALL ME JEAN.

- BONJOUR, JEAN.

- OOH, LOOK AT YOU.

- IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONSABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL

I AM MORE THAN HAPPYTO ASSIST YOU--TO ASSIST.

- JEAN?I GOT IT.

MERCI BEAUCOUP.- TRES BIEN.

WELL, OUR FIRST SPECIAL TONIGHTIS OUR POISSON DU JOUR.

IT'S A LOUP DE MER PLUS [speaking French],

SERVED WITHA [speaking French],

THAT IS SERVED ON A BED OF[speaking French]

AND ALSO SERVED WITH[speaking French]

AND [speaking French].

- MMM.- MMM.

- YUM.

- OUR SOUP TODAY ISA [speaking French]

WITH A--JUST A DASH OF[speaking French]

AND SERVED WITH MELTED[speaking French].

- SOUP.- YEAH.

- OUR OTHER SEAFOOD TODAY--

WE HAVE A VERY NICE[speaking French],

FROM THE [speaking French]VALLEY IN [speaking French].

IT IS SERVED WITH A SIDE OF[speaking French]

[continues speaking French]SAUCE.

- MAN, IT'S JUST,I'M A LITTLE BIT OVERWHELMED.

- HA-HA, YEAH, YES.

OH, GOD,I'M SO GLAD YOU SAID THAT.

I WAS ABOUT TO SAYTHE SAME THING.

- SO YOU WOULD RECOMMEND GETTINGTHE [speaking French]

WITH THE, UM...OOH, I'M SORRY,

IS THE [speaking French]

IN A HEAVY[speaking French] SAUCE?

- OH, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S MORE LIKE A[speaking French] SAUCE.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M GONNA DEFER TO HIMON THIS ONE,

BECAUSE HE KNOWS THIS STUFFWAY BETTER THAN I DO.

- OH, YES.MONSIEUR?

- WHAT?

UM, YEAH.WE'RE--WE'LL HAVE THE...

SWUND--UH,

THE--

[nasal honking]

I'M--

SHHNN.

[speaking gibberish]

WE'LL TRY THE FLEUR--

[speaking gibberish]

IT'S BEEN NICE KNOWING YOU.HAVE A LOVELY DINNER.

- OF COURSE, YOU KNOW,

JUST GLAD WE COULD SETASIDE OUR DIFFERENCES

AND, YOU KNOW, AVOID A WAR HERE.

- SALUD.- ALL RIGHT.

SALUD.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

ANTHONY!

NAH, DON'T DO THAT.

WE'RE TRYING TOAVOID A WAR HERE.

NO, ANTHONY.

NO.

THAT'S TOO MUCH.WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE JUST HAVING A NICELITTLE DINNER HERE, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, THAT'S JUST DISRESPECTFUL.

THE--OH, NO, NOT HIS HAIR.

ANTHONY, HE HAD GOOD HAIR.

YEAH, YOU'RE DONE.

YOU ALREADY MESSED THINGS UP.

WHAT IS--WHAT'S GOING--WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

HIS PHONE?NO.

OH, NO,DON'T GO DELETING HIS CONTACTS.

HE'S NOT GOING TO KNOWWHETHER TO ANSWER IT OR NOT.

YOU FINISHED NOW?THAT'S--THAT'S GOOD.

LOOK WHAT YOU DID.NOW, WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE

OF SOMETHING, AND NOW--WHAT ARE--

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, THAT'S PERMANENT.

THAT'S A PERMANENTSILLY MUSTACHE.

AH, NOW HE LOOKS LIKEA SLEEPING MUSKETEER.

THAT'S ADORABLE,BUT IT'S RIDICULOUS.

HE CAN'T--HE CAN HARDLY WASH THAT OFF.

WELL, THAT'S--WHERE YOU GOING?

WHAT IS THAT?NOW WITH THE--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING INHIS HAND?

THAT DOESN'T EVENMAKE SENSE HERE.

THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

OH, OH, ANTHONY!

OH, THAT'S HILARIOUS, BUT SAVETHAT FOR A SLUMBER PARTY.

ALL RIGHT,WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

OH, YOU'RE REARRANGINGTHE SILVERWARE.

THAT'S JUST SO MEAN.THAT'S--IT'S CONFUSING.

IT'S CONFUSING ENOUGH,WHAT WITH THE--

ANTHONY.ANTHONY, DON'T DO IT.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THE SALADNEEDED A LITTLE PEPPER,

SO THAT'S GOOD.SO THAT'S--THAT'S NOT SO BAD.

YOU FINALLY DIDSOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?WHAT ARE YOU--OKAY.

YOU'RE PUTTINGTHE SILVERWARE BACK.

THAT'S GOOD.WELL, THAT'S ALL--THAT'S GOOD.

NOW HE KNOWS HE CAN GOFROM OUTSIDE TO INSIDE.

THAT'S--OH, YOU'RE PUTTINGA LITTLE JUS IN HIS HAIR.

THAT'S GOOD, YEAH, JUS IT.

JUS IT--OH, NOW, WELL, THAT--

IT ACTUALLY LOOKS BETTERTHAN WHEN HE CAME IN.

IF HE WASN'T UNCONSCIOUSHE COULD GO OUT ON THE TOWN,

SO THAT'S GOOD.THAT'S GOOD.

OH, OKAY, YOU GOT--ALL RIGHT,WIPE OFF--WIPE OFF HIS FACE.

YEAH, YEAH, AND GET THE MUSTACHEWHILE YOU'RE AT IT,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE MOSTEMBARRASSING PART.

AH, HE DOESN'T LOOK RIDICULOUSANYMORE.

OH, OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S, THAT'S--

NOW YOU'RE HELPING EVERYBODY.

THAT'S GOOD FOR EVERYBODY.EVERYBODY LIKES THAT.

NOBODY WANTS LETTUCEON THE FLOOR.

- SPICK-AND-FUCKING-SPAN.

- ALL RIGHT, WE DONE?

ALL RIGHT,YOU REALLY TURNED THIS AROUND.

THERE HE--ALL RIGHT,AND THEN YOU'RE GONE, THEN.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,HE WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.

HE WON'T EVEN KNOWTHAT ANY--

OH, NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

ANTHONY.

ANTHONY,I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES.

YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY NOW,ANTHONY.

ANTHONY, IT WAS GOING SO WELL.

WELL THAT'S--THAT'S--

THAT'S PERVERSE, ANTHONY.I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

THAT--WHAT'S THAT?WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

WITH THAT FINGER?WHAT ARE DOING--OH!

YEAH, NO.NOT A WET WILLY.

NO!NO, ANTHONY.

OH, WE'RE GOING TO WAR, ANTHONY.

WE'RE GOING TO WAR.