Wednesday, February 19, 2014

  • 02/19/2014

Upright Citizens Brigade founders Matt Besser, Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts invent bad Olympic events, translate emoji sentences and make Chris cringe.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.

NINTENDO U.K. LAUNCHED A NEW

YOUTUBE CHANNEL CALLED NINTENDO

GIRL'S CLUB TO PROMOTE GAMING

FOR WOMEN, THAT'S GREAT.

BUT IN THE VIDEO ANNOUNCING IT

WE NOTICED A VERY WEIRD AND

VAGUELY DISTURBING IMAGE OF A

NINTENDO CHARACTER.

WHAT WAS IT?

WAS IT A) MARIO CREEPING IN A

TEENAGE GIRL'S BEDROOM?

(LAUGHTER)

B) YOSHI APPEARING TO DRY HUMP A

MUSHROOM.

OR C) DONKEY KONG STUFFING A

CHILD INTO A BARREL?

(LAUGHTER)

IAN?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S MARIO,

A, CREEPING INTO A TEENAGE

GIRL'S BEDROOM.

>> Chris: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> EVEN REQUEST A VIDEO OF YOUR

FAVORITE GAME.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I FEEL LIKE THE READ

ON THAT WOULD BE "IT'S-A-ME,

MARIO."

(LAUGHTER)

COMEDIANS, FOR BONUS POINTS,

WHAT YOU WOULD GIVE THIS PERVY

NEW SUPER MARIO GAME?

WHAT TITLE WOULD YOU GIVE THIS

PERVY NEW SUPER MARIO GAME, MATT

BESSER?

>> TO CATCH A MARIO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS

FOR THAT, 100 POINTS.

MATT WALSH?

>> MARIO LIKES TO WATCH CART 64.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> SUPER MARIO, BACK OF THE MILK

CARTON EDITION.

>> Chris: YES!

POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

ALL RIGHT, SAD OLYMPIC NEWS: THE

RUSSIAN HOCKEY TEAM LOST TO

FINLAND AND WAS ELIMINATED.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)

PLEASE CONTAIN YOUR SADNESS!

APPARENTLY, PUTIN COULDN'T GET

HIS HELMET ON IN TIME TO PLAY.

OH, THERE IT IS.

ALMOST.

OH, HE'S ALMOST.

HE ALMOST HAS IT!

IT'S ON?

IT'S ON!

THERE IT GOES AGAIN!

(LAUGHTER)

I'D SAY HE'S VERY BAD AT PUTIN

ON HATS.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, DON'T, SHUT UP.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I HATE MYSELF.

>> ♪ PUTIN ON THE HAT

>> ♪ PUTIN ON THE HAT

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: ♪ IF YOU'RE BLUE AND

YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO TO. ♪

DO NOT COME HERE IF YOU'RE GAY.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ PUTIN ON MY HAT

(LAUGHTER)

THIS PICTURE FROM SUNDAY'S

HOCKEY GAME BECAME AN INSTANT

MEME THE MOMENT RUSSIA WAS

ELIMINATED.

IT'S PUTIN AND THE RUSSIAN PRIME

MINISTER ABOUT TO FILL THEIR

SKYBOX WITH VODKA PUKE AND

BORSCHT FARTS BEFORE--

(LAUGHTER)

HERE IT IS IN MEME FORM RIGHT

THERE.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST.

NEXT OLYMPICS WE USE BEARS."

(LAUGHTER)

WHY CAN'T WE USE HOCKEY BEARS?

COMEDIANS, PLEASE COME UP WITH

YOUR OWN MEME FOR THIS PICTURE.

MATT BESSER.

>> NEXT TIME WE START A PUSSY

RIOT.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: WELL PLAYED, POINTS!

MATT WALSH.

>> PRIME MINISTER, TO SUPPRESS

THESE FEMININE FEELINGS, YOU

MUST GIVE ME REACH AROUND NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

>> POINTS.

IAN.

>> IF ONLY WE COULD EXECUTE OUR

POWER PLAYS THE WAY WE EXECUTE

OUR JOURNALISTS.

>> POINTS!

WOW, FUNNY AND POLITICAL.

I'M ON BOARD!

#HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THERE'S LESS THAN A WEEK LEFT OF

THE OLYMPICS, SO BEFORE WE

RETURN SOCHI BACK TO THE RUSSIAN

MAFIA, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #BADOLYMPICEVENTS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:

RHYTHM METHOD GYMNASTICS.

OR SPEED FREAK SKATING.

OR BI-CURIOUS-ATHALON.

I'M GOING TO PUT 60 SECONDS ON

THE CLOCK, STARTING NOW, GO.

MATT BESSER.

>> LUGEY OR ICE HAWKERS.

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

MATT WALSH.

>> WONG JUMP, YOU JUMP OVER

ACTOR B.D. WONG.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT

B.D. WONG.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING

HIM BACK TO MY CONSCIOUSNESS.

POINTS!

YES, MATT BESSER.

>> DIRTY JEW-DO.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: I GOT TO GIVE YOU

POINTS.

>> I CAN SAY THAT, I AM A

JEW-DO.

>> Chris: YES, I'LL GIVE YOU

POINTS FOR THAT.

YES, MATT WALSH.

>> MEN'S CRACK PIPE.

>> Chris: POINTS!

BESSER.

>> HALF PIPE, FULL BONG.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

ROBERTS.

>> JERK AND CLEAN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

BESSER.

>> ROBERT SLED.

(LAUGHTER)

BOBSLED, ROBERT SLED, NO?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: ALL RIGHT, YOU BROUGHT

THEM BACK AROUND BY THE

EXPLANATION OF THE JOKE.

POINTS.

YEAH, WALSH.

>> WATER POLIO.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS!

POINTS!

BESSER.

>> MUFF DIVING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: THAT IS NOT A BAD

OLYMPIC EVENT AT ALL.

IAN.

>> BOOB SLEDDING.

>> Chris: NO POINTS, I'M SORRY.

MATT BESSER.

>> WOMEN'S BASKETBALL.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OOOH.

>> BOOO!

BOO ME!

BOO ME!

TERRIBLE!

BOO ME!

>> Chris: I'LL GIVE IAN ROBERTS

100 POINTS FOR PUNCHING YOU.

IAN ROBERTS?

>> TOYOTA-THON.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

TO PLAY SWEET EMOJI.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

EMOJI ARE PICTURES THAT PEOPLE

USE WHEN THEY SEND TEXTS IN

ORDER TO AVOID USING ACTUAL

WORDS BECAUSE WORDS ARE SO LAST

CENTURY, YOU GUYS.

PICTURES OF ANIMALS AND

VEGETABLES ARE GREAT FOR TEXTS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS A

SERIES OF THREE EMOJI AND FOR

250 POINTS I WANT YOU TO

TRANSLATE THEM INTO A SENTENCE.

ALL RIGHT?

THIS ONE STARTS WITH A

CAMCORDER.

TRANSLATE THAT INTO A SENTENCE.

YES, WALSH.

>> I FILMED YOU GIVING A SHOCKER

TO MY CAT.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

>> Chris: I DON'T SEE HOW IT

COULD BE ANYTHING ELSE.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> Chris: I REALLY DON'T SEE

HOW IT COULD BE ANYTHING ELSE.

>> UNFORTUNATELY, I READ THAT AS

I ELECTROCUTED MY WIFE'S

(BLEEP).

WHILE MAKING A SEX TAPE.

>> THAT'S GOOD, TOO, BUT THAT'S

NOT WHAT IT MEANT.

>> THEY TOLD US NOT TO BRING UP

REAL STUFF, THOUGH.

(LAUGHTER)

>> OH, IS THAT YOUR TEXT?

>> CAN YOU EDIT THAT OUT?

>> Chris: YEAH, I'M SURE WE CAN

TAKE THAT RIGHT OUT.

>> HIS WIFE IS NOT GOING TO WANT

TO HEAR THAT.

>> Chris: YEAH. YES.

>> HI, KATY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: SO IF WE'RE GOING TO

EDIT THAT OUT, I SHOULDN'T GIVE

ANY POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE, NEXT ONE.

THIS HAS A RAINY UMBRELLA IN IT.

YES, BESSER.

>> I GOT SOME WET PUSSY ACTION.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OH, MY GOD!

YES!

OF COURSE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

STOP BUTT-SLAPPING MY AUDIENCE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> OR CASTING ANGRY WET PUSSY

FOR INDEPENDENT FILM.

(LAUGHTER)

>> WHERE'S THE INDEPENDENT ICON

IN THERE?

>> BECAUSE A REAL FILMMAKER

WOULD HAVE HAD STUFF WRITTEN ON

THE THING.

>> OR LITERALLY INDEPENDENT.

>> Chris: AND THAT FILM WAS

CALLED "BUFFALO 66."

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, THIS ONE'S GOT A FIRE

AND A TELESCOPE IN IT.

THIS ONE'S GOT-- YES, MATT

WALSH.

>> UPON CLOSER INSPECTION,

LESBIANS STARTED THE FIRE.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: POINTS FOR SURE!

POINTS!

>> WANT TO SEE ME SET MY TWINS

ON FIRE?

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS!

POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS ONE HAS GOT SOME DELICIOUS

FRIED SHRIMP IN IT.

BESSER.

>> I BOMBED DOING COMEDY FOR A

MIDGET.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I NEED THAT EXPLAINED.

WHERE'S THE MIDGET?

>> IT'S SHRIMP!

>> OH, SHRIMP.

>> Chris: YES, WE ALL GOT THE

DEROGATORY SLUR.

NO, BESSER, PLEASE!

>> SORRY, SOMETIMES MY JOKES

MAKE ME FALL DOWN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> I FELL IN LOVE WITH A

TERRORIST AT SIZZLER.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR THAT.

IAN?

>> TERRORISTS LOVE SHRIMP.

>> Chris: THEY DO, THEY LOVE

SHRIMP.

>> IF THEY DON'T, WE WIN.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: OKAY, THIS ONE ENDS

WITH LIPSTICK.

THIS ONE ENDS WITH LIPSTICK.

IAN.

>> I'M REALLY A DUDE.

(LAUGHTER)

>> Chris: POINTS, IAN.

POINTS.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

DEVASTATING NEWS THAT THE TWO

YOUNGEST KARDASHIAN SISTERS ARE

NOW AUTHORS, AND I ASKED YOU TO

WRITE A BLURB FOR THE INSIDE

JACKET OF THIS BOOK.

WHAT DID YOU WRITE?

IAN ROBERTS.

>> I WROTE, "KIM'S SEX TAPE HAD

A BETTER PLOT AND A MORE

POWERFUL CLIMAX.

BRUCE JENNER."

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

>> Chris: MATT BESSER.

>> I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

I'LL LET YOU FINISH THE BOOK,

BUT BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST

DYSTOPIAN TEEN NOVELS OF ALL

TIME.

KANYE."

>> Chris: WELL DONE.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

MATT WALSH.

>> AIN'T MUCH OF A READER.

MORE OF A MOVIE GUY.

RAY-JAY.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS )

CRINGEWORTHY.

>> CROWD FAVORITE.

>> Chris: FEEL LIKE THIS IS A

GOOD GAME FOR THIS GROUP.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE THREE WORDS

TO MAKE ME CRINGE.

EVER TIME I CRINGE, YOU GET 250

POINTS.

60 SECONDS ON THE

CLOCK, STARTING NOW.

BESSER.

>> TALKING DEA CANCELED.

>> Chris: OH!

POINTS!

( LAUGHTER )

BESSER AGAIN.

>> JAY LENO RETURNS.

( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE )

>> Chris: HOSTING TALKING DEAD.

NO!

POINTS.

ROBERTS?

>> STALLONE'S UNSHAVEN TAINT.

>> Chris: POINTS, POINTS.

I'M STILL CRINGING.

MATT?

>> KIRSTIE ALLEY SCRAPINGS.

>> Chris: POINTS!

SPENCER.

>> ROBOCOP REMAKE REMAKE.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS, I'LL GIVE

THAT TO YOU, SURE.

YES, MATT AGAIN.

>> JUAN PABLO MARRIES HARDWICK.

>> Chris: THAT'S TECHNICALLY

FOUR WORDS.

>> HYPHENATE, HYPHENATE.

>> Chris: OH, OKAY, ALL

RIGHT, OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU...

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE

PUTTING THE HYPHEN, BUT

(BLEEP) IT, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

YES, MATT WALSH?

>> NADIA SULIEMAN OVULATING.

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> I THINK MATT WALSH

AGAIN.

>> PORN-FED BEEF.

>> Chris: IT MAKES THE MEAT

NATURALLY GREASY, YEAH.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS FOR

THAT.

IAN ROBERTS.

>> CHORIZO-FART BREATH.

>> Chris: POINTS.

WAIT, CAN YOU EXPLAIN

THE MECHANICS OF THAT?

DOES SOMEONE FART INTO A MOUTH

WITH CHORIZOS, AND YOU SPIT IT

BACK OUT?

>> I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

BUT YES.

>> Chris: OKAY, GOOD, YEAH,

POINTS, POINTS.

MATT BESSER?

>> PAPER CUT PENIS TIP.

>> Chris: OH!

LOT OF HYPHENS.

>> I'M KING OF THE HYPHENS.

>> Chris: YEAH, POINTS

FOR THAT ONE.

MATT WALSH?

>> INFUSED FECAL SLURRY.

>> Chris: POINTS!

>> A KIRSTIE ALLEY SCRAPING!

>> Chris: WHAT ARE YOU HITTING

THE BUZZER FOR?

IAN ROBERTS?

>> ALLIGATOR CLIP FORESKIN.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS,

POINTS!

THAT IS THE END.

>> OUTDOOR BLUMPIE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

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