Wednesday, February 19, 2014

  • 02/19/2014

Upright Citizens Brigade founders Matt Besser, Matt Walsh and Ian Roberts invent bad Olympic events, translate emoji sentences and make Chris cringe.

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S "RAPID REFRESH"

THEY'RE VERY EXCITED.

WE NOTICED A WEIRD AND VAGUELYDISTURBING IMAGE OF A NINTENDO

CHARACTER.

WAS IT MARIO CREEPING IN ATEENAGED GIRL'S BEDROOM?

YOSHI APPEARING TO DRY HUMP AMUSHROOM.

OR DONKEY KONG STUFFING A CHILDINTO A BARREL?

IAN?

>> I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S MARIO,A, CREEPING INTO A TEENAGE

WINDOW.

>> LET'S FIND OUT.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE ).

>> I FEEL LIKE THE READ ON THATWOULD BE "IT'S-A-ME, MARIO.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT YOU WOULDGIVE IS THIS PERVY NEW GAME.

>> TO CATCH A MARIO.

>> MARIO LIKES TO WATCH CART 64.

>> POINTS.

>> SUPER MARIO, BACK OF THE MILKCARTON EDITION.

>> YES!

POINTS.

SAD OLYMPIC NEWS: THE RUSSIANHOCKEY TEAM LOST TO FINLAND AND

WAS ELIMINATED.

PLEASE CONTINUE SADNESS!

APPARENTLY, PUTIN COULDN'T GETHIS HELMET ON IN TIME TO PLAY.

OH, THERE IT IS.

ALMOST.

OH, HE'S ALMOST.

HE ALMOST HAS IT!

IT'S ON?

>> IT'S ON!

THERE IT GOES AGAIN!

I'D SAY HE'S VERY PAT AT PUTINON HAT.

NO, DON'T, SHUT UP.

I HATE MYSELF.

♪ PUTIN ON THE HAT ♪( LAUGHTER ).

>> YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GOTO.

DO NOT COME HERE IF YOU'RE GAY.

( LAUGHTER )PUTIN ON MY HAT.

THIS PICTURE FROM SUNDAY'SHOCKEY GAME BECAME AN INSTANT

MEME THE MOMENT RUSSIA WASELIMINATED.

IT'S PUTIN AND THE RUSSIAN PRIMEMINISTER ABOUT TO FILL THEIR

SKYBOX WITH VODKA PUKE ANDFARTS BEFORE-- THERE IT IS IN

MEME FORM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LOST.

COMEDIANS, PLEASE COME UP WITHYOUR OWN MEME FOR THIS PICTURE.

MATT BESSER.

>> NEXT TIME WE START A PUSSYRIOT.

>> POINTS!

MATT WALSH.

>> PRIME MINISTER, TO SUPPRESSTHESE FEMININE FEEL, YOU MUST

GIVE ME REACHAROUND NOW.

>> POINTS.

IAN.

>> IF ONLY WE COULD EXECUTE OURPOWER PLAY THE WAY WE EXECUTE

OUR JOURNALISTS.

>> POINTS!

FUNNY AND POLITICAL.

I'M ON BOARD!

IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S#HASHTAGWARS.

THERE'S LESS THAN A WEEK LEFT OFTHE OLYMPICS, SO BEFORE WE

RETURN SOCHI BACK OVER TO THERUSSIAN MAFIA, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG

IS #BADOLYMPICEVENTS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE:RHYTHM METHOD GYMNASTICS.

OR SPEED FREAK SKATING.

BI-CURIOUS-ATHALON..

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW.

MATT BESSER.

>> LUGEY OR ICE HOCKERS.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

MATT WALSH.

>> LONG JUMP-- YOU JUMP OVERACTOR B.D. WONG.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT B.D.

WONG.

POINTS!

MATT BESSER.

>> DIRTY JU-DOUGH.

>> I GIVE YOU POINT.

>> I CAN SAY THAT.

>> MATT WALSH.

>> MEN'S CRACK PIPE.

>> POINTS!

>> BESSER.

>> HALF PIPE, FULL BONG.

ROBERTS.

>> JERKING QUEEN.

>> YES, POINTS.

BESSER.

>> ROBERT SLED.

BOBSLED, ROBERT SLED...

>> POINTS.

WALSH.

>> WATER POLIO.

>> YES!

POINTS!

POINTS!

BESSIR.

>> MUFF DIVING.

>> THAT IS NOT A BAD OLYMPICEVENT AT ALL.

>> BOOB SLED.

>> NO POINTS, SORRY.

MATT BESSER.

>> WOMAN'S BASKETBALL.

>> OOOH.

BOOO!

>> BOO ME!

BOO ME!

TERRIBLE!

BOO ME!

>> I'LL GIVE IAN ROBERTS 100POINTS FOR PUNCHING YOU.

IAN ROBERTS?

>> TOYOTA-THON.

>> IT'S TIME TO PLAY SWEETEMOJI.

>> EMOJI ARE USED TO SENDPICTURES INSTEAD OF WORDS.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS ASERIES OF THREE EMOJIS AND FOR

250 POINTS I WANT YOU TOTRANSLATE THEM INTO A SENTENCE.

THIS ONE STARTS WITH ACAMCORDER.

TRANSLATE THAT INTO A SENTENCE.

WALSH.

>> I FILMED YOU GIVING A SHOCKERTO MY CAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )>> THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

>> I DON'T SEE HOW IT COULD BEEXG ELSE.

>> IT'S TRUE.

>> I DON'T SEE HOW IT COULD BEANYTHING ELSE.

>> UNFORTUNATELY, I READ THAT ASA ELECTROCUTED MY WIFE'S

( BLEEP ).

MAKING A SEX TAPE.

THAT'S GOOD, TOO, BUT THAT'S NOTWHAT I MEANT.

>> THEY TOLD US NOT TO BRING UPREAL STUFF, THOUGH.

( LAUGHTER )>> CHAIM SURE WE CAN TAKE THAT

RIGHT OUT.

>> HI, KATY.

>> IF WE'RE GOING TO EDIT THATOUT, I SHOULDN'T GIVE ANY POINT.

>> THIS HAS A RAINY UMBRELLA INIT.

>> I GOT SOME WET PUSSY ACTION.

>> OH, MY GOD!

YES!

OF COURSE!

>> CASTING ANGRY WET PUSSY FORINDEPENDENT FILM.

>> BECAUSE A REAL FILMMAKERWOULD HAVE HAD STUFF WRITTEN ON

THE THING.

>> AND THAT WAS CALLED BUFFALO66.

>> THIS ONE HAS A FIRE AND ATELESCOPE IN IT.

THIS HAS GOT-- MATT WALSH.

>> UPON CLOSER INSPECTION,LESBIANS STARTED THE FIRE.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> POINT FOR SURE!

POINTS!

>> WANT TO SEE ME SET MY TWINSON FIRE?

>> POINTS!

POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS ONE HAS GOT SOME DELICIOUSFRIED CLISM IN IT.

BESSER.

>> I BOMBED DOING COMEDY FOR AMIDGET.

( LAUGHTER )>> I NEED THAT EXPLAINED.

>> IT'S SHRIMP!

>> OH, SHRIMP.

>> YES, WE ALL GOT THEDEROGATORY SLUR.

>> NO, BESSER, PLEASE!

>> SORRY, SOMETIMES MY JOKESMAKE ME FALL DOWN.

>> I FELL IN LOVE WITH ATERRORIST AT SWIZZER.

>> I'LL GIVE POINTS.

>> AND TERRORISTS LOVE SHRIMP.

>> IF THEY DON'T, WE WIN.

>> THIS ONE ENDS WITH LIPSTICK.

IAN.

>> I'M REALLY A DUDE.

BEFORE THE BREAK, I GAVE YOU THEDEVASTATING NEWS THAT THE TWO

YOUNGEST KARDASHIAN SISTERS ARENOW AUTHORS, AND I ASKED YOU TO

WRITE A BLURB FOR THE BACK OFTHE BOOK.

WHAT DID YOU WRITE?

IAN ROBERTS.

>> I WROTE, "KIM'S SEX TAPE HADA BETTER PLOT AND A MORE

POWERFUL CLIMAX.

BRUCE JENNER.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> MATT BESSER.

>> I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.

I'LL LET YOU FINISH THE BOOK,BUT BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE BEST

DYSTOPIAN PHENOMS OF ALL TIME.

KANYE.

>> WELL DONE.

MATT WALSH.

>> AIN'T MUCH OF A READER.

MORE OF A MOVIE GUY.

RAY-JAY.

CRINGE WORTHY.

>> CROWD FAVORITE.

FEELS LIKE THIS IS A GOOD GAMEFOR THIS GROUP.

COMEDIANS, YOU HAVE THREE WORDSTO MAKE ME CRINGE.

EVER TIME I CRINGE, YOU GET 250POINTS.

I'M PUTTING 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, STARTING NOW.

BESSER.

>> "TALKING DEAD "CANCELLED.

>> POINTS!

( LAUGHTER )BESSER AGAIN.

>> JAY LENO RETURNS.

( LAUGHTER )( APPLAUSE )

>> HOSTING "TALKING DEAD."

NO.

>> STALLONES UNSHAVEN FACE.

>> KIRSTIE ALLEY SCRAPINGS.

POINTS!

>> SPENCER!

>> ROBOCOP REMAKE, REMAKE.

>> YES, POINTS, I'LL GIVE THATTO YOU, SURE.

MATT AGAIN.

>> JUAN PABLO MARRIES HARDWICK.

>> THAT'S TECHNICALLY FORWARD.

>> HYPHENATE, HYPHENATE.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU EYE DON'T KNOWWHERE YOU'RE PUTTING THE HYPHEN

BUT I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.

>> NADIA SOLOMON OVULATING.

>> POINTS.

>> I THINK SO MATT WALSH AGAIN.

>> PORN-FED BEEF.

>> IT MAKES THE MEAT NATURALLYGREASY, YEAH.

I'LL GIVE YOU POINT FOR THAT.

IAN ROBERTS.

>> CHORIZO-FART BREATH.

>> CAN YOU EXPLAIN THEMECHANICICTIONS OF THAT.

BUT DO YOU FART IN THE MOUTH?

>> YES.

>> PAPER CUT PENIS TIP.

>> MATT WALSH.

>> INFUSED FECAL FLURRY.

>> POINTS!

>> A KIRSTIE ALLEY SCRAPING!

>> IAN ROBERTS.

>> ALLIGATOR-CLIPPED FORESKIN.

>> YES, POINTS, POINTS!

THAT IS THE END.

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