CC Presents: Rob Stapleton

  • Season 13, Ep 6
  • 01/11/2009

DOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA.

I BUMPED INTO THE LAST BLACK MANDIDN'T KNOW SLAVERY WAS OVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU THINK I'M BULL.I WALKED NEARBY A NEWSPAPER.

HE LOOKED AT ME LIKE THIS --"WHAT CHEW DOING 'ROUND HERE?"

I SAID,"SIR, CAN I HAVE A PAPER?"

HE SAID, "WHAT CHEW DOING'ROUND HERE?"

I SAID, "MAN, GIVE ME A PAPER."

HE EVEN USED A WORD WE HAVEN'TUSED SINCE "ROOTS."

HE SAID,"YOU BETTER GET OUT OF HERE,

OR WE GONNA BEIN A WHOLE HEAP OF TROUBLE."

WHEN'S THE LAST TIMEYOU USED THE WORD "HEAP"?

YOU NEVER USE THE WORD "HEAP."

YOU EVER AT A CLUB,GIRL GOT A BIG BUTT,

YOU BE LIKE,"YOU GOT A WHOLE HEAP OF ASS."

"I THOUGHT IT WAS A LOT,BUT THAT'S A HEAP."

YOU EVER GOT TO MAKEA PHONE CALL, USE THE PAY PHONE,

YOU BE LIKE,"MIKE, YOU GOT A QUARTER?"

"I GOT A WHOLE HEAPOF QUARTERS.

"YOU BETTER TAKETWO OR THREE OF THEM,

'CAUSE THIS IS A WHOLE HEAP."

I'M PROUD TO BE BLACK.DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I'M PROUD TO BE BLACK,BUT BLACK PEOPLE --

WE DO SOME IGNORANT STUFFSOMETIMES.

COME ON, YOU KNOW WE DO.

WE GO TO POOL PARTIES,DON'T GET IN THE POOL.

WE GO ON SKI TRIPS,DON'T GO SKIING.

BLACK PEOPLE ARE THE ONLY ONESON A SKI TRIP COMPLAINING.

"IT'S COLD.

"WHY'S ALL THIS ICE OUT HERE?THIS IS BULL[BLEEP]

"I'M NOT COMING NEXT YEAR.

I ALMOST FELL. SEE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

HIP-HOP DONE MESSED UPA LOT OF STUFF.

BLACK PEOPLE --YOU KNOW, WE WEAR TIMBERLANDS.

DON'T EVEN KNOWWHY WE WEAR TIMBERLANDS.

GUYS WEAR TIMBERLANDS

DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELLWE WEAR TIMBERLANDS.

YOU KNOW, TIMBERLANDSARE WHITE-PEOPLE BOOTS.

TIMBERLANDS AREWHITE-PEOPLE BOOTS.

GUYS WEAR BOOTS. DON'T KNOW WHY?'CAUSE JAY-Z SAID TO WEAR BOOTS.

"50 CENT WEARS BOOTS.WE GOT TO BUY THE BOOTS."

WHITE PEOPLE WEAR TIMBS WHENYOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WEAR THEM --

WHEN THE WEATHER'S MESSED UP,MOUNTAIN CLIMBING,

STUFF WE AIN'T DOING.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BLACK PEOPLE --WE WEAR OUR BOOTS

AND ACT LIKE THEY'RE GATORS,DON'T WE?

WE DON'T EVEN LIKETO WEAR OUR TIMBERLANDS

WHEN THE WEATHER'S MESSED UP.

YOU EVER LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,IT BE RAINING,

YOU BE,"OH [BLEEP] IT'S RAINING?

GETS THESE TIMBS OFF."

"I MIGHT GET SOME MUD ON THESE."

BORN AND RAISED IN THE BRONX,MAN. I LOVE NEW YORK, MAN.

YOU LIVE HERE,YOU CAN LIVE ANYWHERE.

BORN AND RAISED.

GREW UP IN THE HOOD,HOOD, HOOD.

I WAS WATCHING THE OLYMPICS.

SOME THINGS IN OLYMPICSYOU JUST CAN'T RELATE TO.

SOME THINGS I TRIED TO RELATE TOIN THE OLYMPICS.

SOME THINGS,YOU JUST COULDN'T --

YOU KNOW, SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING,PING-PONG.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON,I WANT TO SOME REAL HOOD EVENTS,

SOMETHING THAT WOULD REALLYMAKE YOU GO FOR THE GOLD."

YOU KNOW,GAMES WE HAD IN THE HOOD LIKE

"TRYING TO FINDYOUR REAL FATHER."

"TRY TO MAKE A SANDWICHWITH NO BREAD."

"TRY TO SHOPLIFTWITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT."

"GO SHOPPING, COME BACK, ANDHOPE THE ELEVATORS STILL WORK."

THOSE ARE REAL GAMES.

YOU KNOW, WE STARTED SOMETHINGIN NEW YORK CITY

THAT STARTED ALL OVER THE PLACE,LIKE GETTING CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING.

IF YOU GET CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING,

YOU GOT TO TAKE A PICTUREWITH THE STUFF YOU STOLE...

WHICH IS THE FUNNIEST THINGIN THE WORLD, YOU KNOW?

THEY TAKE A PICTURE AND PUT YOURIGHT NEAR THE SUPERMARKET,

LIKE, "WATCH THESE GUYS --THESE GUYS STEAL."

GOT TO BE EMBARRASSINGIF YOU GET CAUGHT.

THEN YOU GOT TO TAKE A PICTUREOF WHAT YOU STOLE.

YOU SEE A GUY WITH A PICTUREWITH A PACK OF PORK CHOPS.

CAN OF SPAMWITH THE TOP MISSING.

YOU ALWAYS GOT THAT CRACKHEAD.HE DON'T GIVE A DAMN. HE LIKE...

[ LAUGHTER ]

"COMIN' BACK TOMORROW, SON!"

I JUST MOVED, MAN, MOVED THE ONEAPARTMENT TO THE OTHER, MAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU MOVE TO A NICE,CLEAN, APARTMENT,

YOU THINK THINGS ARE GOOD.

I SAW A ROACH IN MY HOUSE, MAN.

YOU KNOW, THAT KNOCKED ME RIGHTOFF MY PEDESTAL, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, THE ROACH GOT THEREBEFORE THE FURNITURE.

I'M LIKE, "HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?"

YOU EVER BE IN YOUR HOUSE,

YOU GO IN THE KITCHENAT A CERTAIN TIME?

YOU NORMALLY SHUT YOUR HOUSEDOWN AT A CERTAIN TIME.

I'M IN THE KITCHEN,YOU KNOW, GO GET SOME CEREAL,

2:00, 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU EVER CUT THE LIGHT ON,YOU SURPRISE A ROACH?

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"YOU NORMALLY BE SLEEPING."

YOU EVER CATCH A ROACH,YOU BE MAD, YOU STEP ON A ROACH

LIKE YOU'RE STEPPINGON A COMMUNITY OF THEM, LIKE...

[ GRUNTING ]

I STEPPED ON ONE ROACH SO HARD,A MOUSE RAN OUT.

I WAS LIKE...

"THAT'S ENOUGH.I GOT KIDS IN THE HOLE.

"THEY DON'T NEED TOSEE THIS [BLEEP]

COME ON. WE GOING TO 3B.LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU GUYS HAD A LOT OF CHOICES,BUT YOU CAME OUT.

TOOK MY GIRL TO THE MOVIESTHE OTHER DAY.

YOU EVER GO TO THE MOVIES,

AND YOU SEE A DUDEBIGGER THAN YOU?

YOU EVER SEE A DUDE SO BIG,

HE HITS YOU, AND YOU APOLOGIZEFOR THE STUFF HE DID TO YOU?

I WAS AT THE MOVIE.THIS DUDE WAS HUGE, MAN.

HE HIT ME WITH HIS ELBOW,AND I KNOW HE MEANT TO DO IT.

HE HIT ME. I WAS LIKE,"SORRY ABOUT THAT. MY BAD."

"SORRY ABOUT THAT.THAT WAS MY FAULT. I'M SORRY.

"NO, I WAS GOING LIKE THIS.THAT WAS MY BAD.

DID YOU EAT?YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH."

HAD ONE OF THEMBLACK GIRLFRIENDS --

"WAIT, ROB,HE MEANT TO DO THAT."

I SAID, "BITCH, SHUT UP.LET'S GO SEE 'HAPPY FEET.'"

YOU EVER TAKE YOUR LADYTO THE MOVIES, FELLAS,

TO GO SEE SOMETHING SCARY?

YOU EVER TAKE YOUR LADY TO THEMOVIES, GO SEE SOMETHING SCARY,

YOU END UP GETTING SCARED?

IT BE THAT EARLY DATE.

SHE GOT THE BIG BREASTS.YOU WANT HER LEANING ALL ON YOU.

YOU BE LIKE,"THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD, RIGHT?

YEAH, I LIKE THIS PART."

YOU GO SEE THEM "HOSTEL"OR "SAW III,"

THE VIOLENCE STARTSRIGHT AT THE BEGINNING.

LIKE, AS SOON AS THE MOVIEBEGINS, YOU BE LIKE,

"IT'S GONNA BE GOOD,RIGHT, YEAH."

YOU TRY TO GO ON.

[ ROARING ]

"LOOK, I'M GONNA GO SEE'HAPPY FEET.'"

THIS IS WHERE I'M FROM,THE BOOGIE-DOWN BRONX.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS IS ME RIGHT HERE.

IF YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK,

THE SUBWAY IS LIKE YOURMERCEDES-BENZ RIGHT HERE.

YOU GET ON THE SUBWAY,YOU AIN'T TOO HAPPY.

YOU JUST WANT TOGET WHERE YOU GOT TO BE.

YOU EVER SIT ON THE SUBWAYIN NEW YORK?

EVEN IF YOU'RE A TOURIST,YOU GOT TO COME THROUGHJUST TO RIDE IT ONCE.

YOU GET ON THE TRAIN,YOU JUST WANT YOUR OWN SPACE.

YOU DON'T WANT TOMESS WITH NOBODY.

YOU EVER SIT ON THE TRAIN,YOU'RE READING THE PAPER,

THE PERSON NEXT TO YOUSTARTS READING YOUR PAPER?

YOU FINISH THE PAGE,YOU CAN'T TURN,

'CAUSE THIS [BLEEP]AIN'T FINISHED.

YOU TRY TO TURN THE PAGE.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

"WE READING YOUR PAPER."

ONE THINGWE AIN'T GOT IN NEW YORK --

WE TRY TO DO IT BUT CAN'T DO --IS THE STRIP CLUBS.

WE CAN'T DOTHAT STRIP-CLUB THING.

WE TRY IN NEW YORK,BUT WE CAN'T.

YOU GOT TO GO TO ATLANTA, MIAMI

WHERE THEY DOTHE REAL STRIP-CLUB THING.

DO THE STRIP CLUB IN NEW YORK --

I WENT TO ONE STRIP CLUBIN BROOKLYN.

IT LOOKED LIKE THEY JUST HIREDTHE CHICKS THAT DAY.

ONE CHICK CAME OUT,AND SHE HAD HER KIDS WITH HER.

"LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE!"

ANOTHER STRIPPER CAME OUT.SHE HAD A COLD.

YOU EVER SEE A STRIPPERWITH A COLD?

[ COUGHING ]

HER NOSE IS RUNNING.SHE HAD VICKS ON HER CHEST.

AND SHE HAD A.D.D.SHE WAS LIKE, "HUH?

HUH?"

I SAID,"HOW COULD THIS GET WORSE?"

YOU KNOW, I'M SITTING THERELIKE I NEED TO GO TO CHURCH.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS IT.

THEY HAD ANOTHER STRIPPER.LITTLE, SHORT STRIPPER CAME OUT.

LITTLE, SHORT STRIPPERNAMED SWEET'N LOW.

SHE CAME OUT. SHE GOES...

SHE SLID DOWN THE POLE,I LOST IT.

I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THAT ONE.I'M GOING TO HELL.

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