you should see our othershow, "Six-Drink Minimum."
But, uh, we're havin--we've been in New York
now for about a week, and, soI'm really enjoying the sights.
We went up to see the EmpireState Building, which they
have, like they have abig fence at the top.
There's a big fence,you know, to keep
people from jumping off.
I guess it's cheaper thanhiring a psychiatrist
to screen all the tourists.
That'd get a littletime consuming,
some big guy's up there,"Daddy says I'm naughty!"
Why don't you just lookaround the gift shop
and try again tomorrow?
I guess maybe they're tryingto prevent people from
accidentally falling off thetop of the Empire State--
I can't imagine whatthat-- "Look at the cars,
they're so ti--argh!"
You could make anargument that we're
better off withoutthose people anyway.
Natural selection's beenworking pretty good for us
since the saber tooth tiger.
Anyway, I'm having agood time in New York.
A little different than LosAngeles where I live now.
Although, I suppose,do-- it shouldn't matter,
wherever I am, itshould all be the same,
I pretty much live aloneexcept for my uh, uh, cat.
And I, I have a you know,I have uh, I have a,
we've been out here aweek and, uh, how long?
About a week?
how long do you think a catcould live without food?
Uh-- OK, I'm not, I'mnot, hypothetically.
Um, some food.
I mean, on the firstday, assume, like,
a big bowl of foodon the first day, OK?
Not-- I mean, I'm not saying me,I'm not-- just like hypothet--
I mean, it's like, an ideafor screenplay that I have.
About a cat that's athome alone, or ca--
It's like "HomeAlone" and "Benjy,"
you know, mixed together.
Anyway, I've got tomake a phone call.
Um, I'm going to bring outour first comedian, who likes
Being a weather man.
Not the weather man who makesa million dollars and points
to stuff, that's the easy job.
The hard job is the guywho has to go out and cover
like a hurricane orblizzard when it comes in.
Because the rich guy's in thestudio just pointing and going,
"Winds out of theNorth-Northwest
at 45 miles per hour.
Now let's take you out toDink Loser in Coney Island
covering the storm."
And some guy in aGorton's fisherman jacket,
you see this much of hisface, like, "This is the worst
storm New York hasseen in 35 years.
The cameraman'sdead, the--" Whoooa!
"And now back tothat millionaire
bastard in the studio."
That's who I feel bad for.
Why does the US Armyadvertise on television?
There's no other armies.
There's no otherarmy commercials
trying to outdo the great army.
You never see like, "Hey,I'm Bill, of Bill's Army.
We're better than the US Army.
They get up prettyearly in the morning,
we're just cominghome about that time.
Why do the Yellow Pagesadvertise on television?
We don't get our choice ofwhat Yellow Pages we want.
We don't even knowwhen they're coming.
They show up in a plasticbag in front of our--
You don't even have tohave a television to,
to see the commercial, youstill get those Yellow Pages.
James Earl Jones, one of thefinest actors in the world,
has a commercial for NewJersey Bell Yellow Pages,
and it doesn't make sense.
He actually says,"9 out of 10 people
use the New JerseyBell Yellow Pages."
Well, what doesthe other jerk use?
The Texas Yellow Pages?
No wonder why you alwaysget the southern voice
on the other end.
You know why 9 out of 10 peopleuse the Yellow Pages anywhere?
Because the 10th person callsinformation, that's why.
And I'm that guy.
I hate the Yellow Pages.
You ever try to findstuff in the Yellow Pages?
It's like going on ascavenger hunt through hell,
trying to find outwhat words they decided
to use for the stuffwe normally call.
They have their own language.
You guys agree!
It's the truth.
I'll give you a true example.
I'll give you a true example.
Here in New York City,I wanted to look up
clothing in theYellow Pages, OK?
So I look in the Yellow Pagesunder "Clothing" in New York.
You know what itsays Under "Clothing"
in New York in the Yellow Pages?
Not "See Something Else."
Not "Clothing," not"Cloth," not "Clo,"
not "Clothing"with a big finger.
I'd be happy if they couldacknowledge clothing.
Not the Yell-- Youknow what it's under?
Who, since 1903,has used "Apparel"
in a regular sentence?
All right, one time duringthe year. (SINGING) "Don
we now our gay apparel,falalalala, Skidoodly-do-wah."
The only time you say "apparel."
And you know what it says under"Apparel" in the Yellow Pages?
"How the hell did you find us?
Probably started with'A' you lucky bastard. "
I wanted to look up "Bar"in the Yellow Pages.
You know what it's underhere in New York? "Saloon."
I want to have a drink, Idon't want to meet Wyatt Earp.
I want to recycle mynewspapers in New York.
I wanted to find out what nightthe garbage truck came by.
Look at the Yellow Pagesunder "Recycle Centers,"
you know what it saysunder "Recycle Centers?"
Not, "Recycle Center; Seesomething else," not a picture
of me bent over a stumpwith a guy kicking me
in the ass holding theYellow Pages and dancing.
So now I look under "Garbage."
You know what itsaid under "Garbage?"
So now I've got to startthinking like an SAT test.
Clothing is to apparelas garbage is to--
And I looked under "Sanitation,"you know what it said?
I'm getting closer!
You need a thesaurus toread the Yellow Pages.
They should put one inthe back of the book.
I wanna call informationand go, "Hey, look,
lady you got asynonym for perfume?
It's my mom'sbirthday and I can't
find a damn thing in your book!"
They only reason I have YellowPages is so my little grandma
can sit at the dinnertable with the rest of us.
Other than that it'sa piece of crap book.
Anyway, enjoy therest of the show.
You, you like the set?
You probablyrecognize the artist,
it was the same guy that didthe Partridge family bus.
Nice to be here, actually,I, I shaved for this.
I shaved, so I gotthat going for me.
I was thinking aboutthe shaving thing.
You think shaving creamreally softens your beard?
Or is it like just so youdon't lose your place?
I dunno, somebody's gottathink of these questions.
Pretty good.Well, I don't feel that well.
I made the mistake of grabbingone of those microwave
cheeseburgers at aconvenience store.
Have you done this?
These are the grossest things.
They have like bones hangingout of the sides of these.
You know what these are like?
These are like theburgers you used
to get in high school lunch.
They have justenough beef in them
to qualify to be a hamburgerin the first place.
It's made from, like, meat froman animal that one met a cow.
Went to a restaurant, Ihate these restaurants.
I had a twin lobster special.
$9.99 twin lobsters.
Waiter brought me alobster and a crab.
I said, "What the hell is this?"
He said, "They'refraternal Twins."
He had me on a technicality.
You know when you'restarving and you're
waiting for your entree to come?
You're trying to make do withall the condiments and stuff
the give you in frontof you on the table?
You got like a bread stick,maybe, with some Sweet'N Low,
and mayonnaise, andketchup working?
You're like a culinaryMacGyver at this point,
you know, justtrying to add stuff.
"What do you got there, Bob?"
"How'd you do it?"
"I don't know, I justkept adding stuff.
Tastes like chicken."
Smoking or non-smokingdrives me nuts
in restaurants."Smoking or non-smoking?
Smoking or non--"How about eating?
Can we eat?
We came here to eat.
You ever been forced totake a smoking table?
That happened to me once.
"I'm sorry sir, all we haveleft are smoking tables."
I'm like, "All right.
Bring me a pack of cigarettes.
I don't even know howto use these things."
That'd be a hell of a way tostart smoking, wouldn't it?
"How'd you startsmoking, Dad?" "Smoking
table once in a restaurant, son.
I'm just thankful itwasn't a heroin table."
That'd be different,huh? "Will you
be shooting up tonight,sir?" "Why not?"
They always have signs inthe restaurant bathrooms.
"Employees must wash handsbefore leaving restroom."
Apparently patrons canpee all over themselves
and paw freely at the salad bar.
What the hell is this all about?
Shouldn't everybodyhave to wash up?
"Hey, Bob, you've tinkledall over yourself,
you realize that?" "Hey, Idon't work here, screw 'em!"
were a kid? "You haveto tinkle, honey?
Tinkle now, while you can."
My friends would call, "IsJackie there?" "I'm sorry,
he's tinkling, can you hold on?"
Kind of hard to becool with your friends
once you were tinkling.
"How ya doin', Bobby,I was tinkling.
You ever go to bed at nightand your laying in bed
and you have totinkle just enough
that it's keeping you awake?
You can't fall asleep andyou don't want to get up
because it's toocold in your room
and you're too comfortable?
But you have to get up, right?
You don't want to haveone of those dreams
where you dream you'regoing to the bathroom.
I don't like changing sheetsat 4:30 in the morning
at 28 years old.
Where the hell's that bleach?
Struck a couple noteswith that joke, huh?
That happened to afriend of mine once,
I remember himtelling me about it.
That's how I found out about it.
My friend's one of theseearly morning people,
too, he never wants to doanything at night, you know.
I said, "So what do yousay we go out, you know,
have a couple of beers?"
You know what he says? "Oh, no,I've got to get up tomorrow."
I'm like, "Oh, that's right,I'm dying in my sleep.
What the hell does that mean?
Tell me something I don't know.
You got the snooze alarm,with the snooze button?
If you press the button, howlong does it let you snooze?
AUDIENCE: 9 minutes.-Nine minutes!
Why 9, why not ten?
What, 9's a snooze, andten's a nap, I guess.
Is that what it is?
Wanted a snooze, Igot a nap, I'm late.
Simple stuff, drives me nuts.
Dialing information, youdial 411, what do you hear?
Not, "Can I helpyou?" "How are you?"
What's their rush?"What city please?
What city please?"
I panicked. "Brooklyn!
Not Brooklyn, the Bronx!"
You got me so damn nervousI don't know what I want.
What's their rush?
They want answer another call?
Pace yourself, you're thereall week, for crying out loud.
They're the rudest people.
At least we got thepush-button phone.
Remember the rotary phone?
You dial like 6 numbers,make a mistake in the 7th
and have an aneurysm?
Didn't have redialin those days.
I called up, I wanted to getthe area code for Los Angeles.
By mistake I said,"Excuse me miss, can I
get the ZIP codefor Los Angeles?"
These are not mistakes, knowinghow nervous they get you.
What does she in that nice tonethat they have? (CRANKY VOICE)
"I'm sorry, sir, I can'tgive you the ZIP code,
but I can give you the areacode." (NORMAL VOICE) I'm like,
"Well, you know what I meant."
She's like, (CRANKY VOICE), "No,I didn't know what you meant."
(NORMAL VOICE) So I meantshove it, how's that?
Is that what you wanted to hear?
Is it a big deal?
I'll dial 411, I'll get anotherland pirate in three seconds.
I can get twenty of themin the a minute, "Hello,
it's me again.
I hate your guts.
I'll kill a whole day, I'ma comedian, I have the time.
Hey, you guys have been great.
Thank you very much.
A right to be here tonightarea I've met they're entering
a minimum where we are the longand I heard a lot just please
down think are going to cometo a lot of this room we love
everyone here weespecially like you
said right welleveryone I could say
EARL: I'm never satisfieduntil I kill again.
LANK: I'd like to thank, uh--
BOTH: (SPEAKING OVER EACHOTHER) Thank you very much.
It's good to, good to be here--
-Horrible rash onmy left thigh--
People, people say-- buggingthe hell out of me right now--
-Go to Two-Drink minimum,they've got a lot of, uh--
- --itching, burning, chafing--
- --a lot of the top--
- --top, top--
Keep up, OK?
- This woman didn'thear it, in the front.
-Take notes, burningand chafing, scraping.
-Hello, we're Lank and Earl.
I'm Barry, he's Jim.
-How are you?
-Usually we, uh, like toopen with a few impressions.
Impressions are kindof our strength.
We're known all over thecountry for our impressions,
aren't we, Jim?
-We're not gay.
-OK, but this-- um--
-If I were, it wouldn't be him.
-So tonight, uh--
-It'd be you.
Yeah, it'd be him.
-But tonight, uh--
I don't know.
But tonight, we wanted todo something really special,
something that wouldmake us stand out.
-Right, so we brought a gun.
What we've done iswe've loaded, uh,
1 live hollow-pointround in the chamber.
My partner is now goingto spin the chamber
and, uh, I'm goingto tell a joke
while he pointsthe gun at my face.
At the end of the joke, Jimwill slowly squeeze the trigger,
and if I'm lucky,we'll hear nothing
more than an audible click.
It's then my turn tohold the gun on Jim,
and we'll go back andforth in this manner
until we run out of time.
Hold it down til the end.
-Are you ready, Jim?
-Yes I am, Barry.
-OK, here we go.
Well, I've, uh--
I've been trying tomeet women, and, um--
Somebody told methe best way to meet
women is to dosomething you enjoy.
I mean, right away, youhave something in common.
And so I spent thelast, uh, year smoking
dope and watchingtelevision, and, uh--
And nobody-- nobody'scome into the apartment.
Hehe, that's pretty good.
-Well, uh, my dad'sa horrible racist.
When I say horrible, I meanhe's just not very good at it.
He used to scream things like,uh, "Damn Syro-Hittites!"
"Lousy stinking Etruscans!"
"If I trip over onemore terra cotta--!"
Dating's weird, isn't it?
I mean, you know, women,they go in the bathroom,
they stay there, andwhat's this bungee jumping?
I mean, uh--
[gun clicks 3 times]
-Sometimes I get a littleimpatient, you know?
-Let's end withsomething up and happy.
Let's just do away with this.
Quick featurette we call"Rufus the Talking Dog."
This is Rufus, he is my dog.
Let's see if we can gethim to talk us, shall we?
Rufus, what is my name?
-(IMITATING A DOG) Ralph.
That's right, my name is Ralph.
What does sandpaper feel like?
-(IMITATING A DOG) Rough.
-It feels veryrough, that's right.
What's at the top of a house?
-(IMITATING A DOG) Roof.
A roof, that's right.
And, what's at thebottom of a house?
-A basement, that'sabsolutely-- -Thank you!