CC Presents: Bruce Bruce

  • 02/20/2003

Bruce Bruce: OH, MAN.

HOW YOU ALL DOING?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

Audience: YEAH.

Bruce Bruce: YOU'RE LOOKING AT

ME LIKE I'M GONNA FALL ON YOU.

I'M NOT GONNA FALL ON YOU.

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE, "LORD,

PLEASE DON'T LET HIM FALL RIGHT

NOW."

IF I FALL, WHO GONNA PICK ME UP?

NOBODY.

YOU'LL ALL BE STANDING ACROSS

THE STREET--

"THAT FAT DUDE FELL OVER THERE."

WHITE PEOPLE THE ONLY ONE GONNA

HELP YOU.

"ARE YOU OKAY?"

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T HELP YOU.

"I DON'T KNOW HIM THAT GOOD."

(LAUGHTER)

BLACK PEOPLE STEP RIGHT OVER

YOU.

"EXCUSE ME.

LET ME GET RIGHT HERE, PLEASE."

I'M GLAD TO SEE WHITE PEOPLE

HERE.

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE WHITE PEOPLE, MAN.

THEY PAY ON TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

(WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE)

WHITE PERSON WRITES YOU A CHECK.

YOU COULD TAKE IT TO THE BANK IN

THE MORNING.

BROTHER WRITES YOU A CHECK, HE'S

GONNA POST-DATE IT NEXT FRIDAY.

LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYE.

SAY, "IF YOU GO IN THAT

THURSDAY, THE MONEY WON'T BE

THERE."

BUT WHITE PEOPLE CAN FIRE YOU

FROM A JOB, AND STILL BE

SMILING.

YOU HEAR ME?

THIS LADY FIRED ME ONE DAY.

"I'M SORRY, I GOTTA LET YOU GO.

HA-HA-HA-HA!

IF YOU NEED A GOOD REFERENCE,

TELL úEM TO GIVE ME A CALL.

HA-HA-HA."

I SAY, REFERENCE?

I'M THINKING ABOUT SETTING THIS

PLACE ON FIRE.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND WHITE PEOPLE ARE HAPPY EARLY

IN THE MORNING.

"GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING.

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING.

HI, DAVE.

HOW ARE YOU?"

BLACK PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY EARLY

IN THE MORNING.

YOU CATCH A BLACK PERSON--

"GOOD MORNING."

"YEAH.

GO ON.

I GOT A HANGOVER.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"

BUT I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE,

'CAUSE THEY LET YOU KNOW WHEN

STUFF GONNA HAPPEN.

LIKE, IF SOMEBODY GONNA HIT ME

IN THE HEAD WITH A STICK RIGHT

NOW, WHITE PERSON'S JUMPING--

"HEY, WATCH YOURSELF.

HE'S GONNA HIT YOU WITH THAT

STICK RIGHT THERE."

I CAN TURN AROUND AND CATCH HIM.

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT

NOTHIN'.

THEY DON'T LET YOU KNOW NOTHIN'.

THEY'LL TALK AMONG EACH OTHER,

BUT THEY WON'T SAY NOTHIN'

TO YOU.

BLACK PEOPLE SIT RIGHT THERE--

"LOOK, HE'S GONNA HIT HIM WITH

A STICK.

HE'S GONNA HIT HIM."

(LAUGHTER)

BAM!

"SEE, I TOLD YOU.

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GONNA HIT HIM

IN THE HEAD.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

BUT WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS USE

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD" WHEN

SOMETHING HAPPEN.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD."

BLACK PEOPLE USE, "JESUS."

'CAUSE THERE'S POWER IN THE NAME

JESUS, AM I RIGHT?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

YOU COULD LEAVE HERE TONIGHT.

YOUR CAR STARTS SLIDING.

BLACK PERSON-- SAY,

"'JESUS'" CAR STRAIGHTEN UP."

WHITE PEOPLE LEAVE HERE TONIGHT.

CAR STARTS SLIDING.

"FOR THE LOVE OF"-- BOOM!

(LAUGHTER)

KNOCK THE WALL DOWN.

SO, START USING JESUS.

IT'LL WORK FOR YOU.

'CAUSE WHITE PEOPLE TAKE

CHANCES.

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WHITE PEOPLE DON'T CATCH ON

TO NOTHIN'.

THEY CAN GO HOME, LIKE,

THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN.

THE KITCHEN DOOR WAS WIDE OPEN.

THEY'RE SITTING IN THE CAR,

TRYING TO GUESS, "I WONDER

WHO LEFT THAT DOOR OPEN."

THE BROTHER IN THE HOUSE LOOKING

AT THE BACK DOOR, HE'S JUST

LOOKING.

THEY WALK IN THE HOUSE.

"I LEFT THE DOOR"--

LAY DOWN.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

THE BROTHER'D BE LIKE--

"SHUT UP AND SAY 'JESUS'."

BUT I LIKE WHITE PEOPLE.

IT'S THE REDNECKS I'M SCARED OF.

OH, MY GOD.

I'M FROM ATLANTA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THEY ARE DOWN THERE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

IF YOU GO IN A BLACK CLUB

IN ATLANTA, AND A WHITE PERSON

WALK IN--

BLACK PEOPLE DON'T SAY NOTHIN'

'CAUSE WE DON'T CARE.

BUT IF YOU GO IN A REDNECK CLUB

AND A BROTHER WALK IN?

THE MUSIC WILL STOP!

SOON AS YOU WALK IN.

♪ DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO--

WHO LET YOU IN HERE?!

SOMEBODY CUE THE DOORMAN

'CAUSE HE'S SLIPPING!

(LAUGHTER)

REDNECKS ARE SOMETHING ELSE.

THEY GOT A CHAIN OF RESTAURANTS

IN ATLANTA THAT REDNECKS GO IN.

YOU KNOW.

"HOW YOU DOING?"

"OH, PURDY GOOD."

YOU CAN TELL WHEN THEY DON'T

LIKE BLACK PEOPLE, THE WAY THEY

SPEAK.

YOU WALK IN.

"HEY, HOW YOU DOING?"

"YEP."

WHEN YOU HEAR THAT "YEP,"

THAT MEANS GET OUTTA THERE.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND THEY ALWAYS DRIVE A FORD

TRUCK.

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT?

I WOULDN'T TAKE NOTHIN'

BUT A FORD, F-O-R-D, PERIOD.

AIN'T NOTHING LIKE A FORD.

I WOULDN'T DRIVE A CHEVROLET,

'CAUSE I CAN'T SPELL IT.

(APPLAUSE)

AND BLACK PEOPLE--

QUIT LYING ABOUT YOUR JOB

TITLES, OKAY?

LADY NEXT DOOR TO ME--

OH, MAN.

SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS A COMPUTER

PROGRAMMER.

I GET TO THE GAS STATION,

SHE'S TALKING ABOUT, "10.06?"

10.06--

(LAUGHTER)

I'M JUST LOOKING AT HER.

10.06?

I THOUGHT YOU WAS A COMPUTER

PROGRAMMER.

"WHAT YOU THINK I'M DOING?"

(LAUGHTER)

A GUY NEXT DOOR TO ME IS A

MAINTENANCE ENGINEER.

I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, HE HAS A

GOOD JOB."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?"

I GET TO THE GROCERY STORE.

HE'S BUFFING FLOORS.

(BUFFING NOISES)

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF LIKE--

IT'S KIND OF WARM IN HERE.

IS IT WARM IN HERE?

I'M KIND OF SWEATING LIKE A PIMP

WITH ONE HO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

(LAUGHTER)

Bruce Bruce: YOU KNOW,

WHEN I FLY ALL THE TIME--

I HAVE TO FLY FIRST CLASS

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M A BIG BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO, EVERY TIME I'M IN

FIRST CLASS, PEOPLE THAT KNOW ME

ALWAYS WALK BY, AND WE SPEAK,

AND LIKE--

"HI, BRUCE, HOW ARE YOU DOING?"

SO NORMALLY, WHITE PEOPLE DON'T

KNOW WHO I AM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO I WAS SITTING NEXT TO THIS

ONE GUY.

HE'S LOOKING, AND HE LIKE--

"OH, EVERYBODY'S SPEAKING TO

HIM," YOU KNOW?

SO HE SAID, "LOOK HERE, BUDDY.

I AIN'T GETTING IN YOUR

BUSINESS, BUT I'M LOOKING AT YOU

AND EVERYBODY'S SPEAKING TO YOU,

SO YOU GOT TO BE SOMEBODY."

(LAUGHTER)

SO WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW WHO

I AM, I'M LIKE--

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM?"

HE'S LIKE "NO."

I SAY, "I'M A MALE STRIPPER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLES)

HE'S LIKE "YOU'RE KIDDIN'."

I SAY, "YEAH."

HE SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR STAGE

NAME?"

I SAY, "STRETCH MARKS."

HE WAS CALLING ME IT THE WHOLE

FLIGHT.

"LOOK HERE, STRETCH MARKS.

I'M GONNA GO TO THE RESTROOM.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, AT THE AIRPORT

NOW, THEY DO ALL TYPE OF RANDOM

SEARCHES.

EVERYBODY KNOWS.

ANYBODY FLYING KNOW WHAT

I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I HAVE TO FLY ALL THE TIME.

SO, THEY CAN JUST PICK YOU OUT

OF THE LINE.

LIKE, "I NEED TO CHECK YOUR

BAGGAGE."

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.

IF YOU DON'T LET 'EM CHECK IT,

YOU'RE NOT FLYING, YOU KNOW?

SO A LADY PICKED ME OUT.

I WAS FLYING FROM L.A. TO HERE.

SHE SAID, "I NEED TO DO A RANDOM

SEARCH ON YOU."

I SAID, "YES, MA'AM."

AND SHE LOOKED IN MY BAGS.

SHE GET REAL LOUD."

WHAT YOU DOING WITH ALL THESE

SUBWAY SANDWICHES?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW I TRIED TO BE COOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I SAID, "I GET HUNGRY BETWEEN

FLIGHTS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING?"

MAN, SHE GET REAL LOUD.

"26 SUBWAYS?"

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "26?

THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE 28.

SOMEBODY DONE GOT ME FOR

TWO SANDWICHES, YOU KNOW?"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW HOW

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU'RE

BIG.

I GOT A COUSIN LITTLE BIT BIGGER

THAN ME.

YEAH.

YEAH.

HE'S A BIG DUDE, Y'ALL,

FOR REAL.

HE WENT AND BOUGHT A 1999 FORD

ESCORT.

(LAUGHTER)

HE CAME TO MY HOUSE.

"LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT."

I SAID, "WHERE AM I GONNA SIT?"

HE SAID, "I'LL GET IN THE FRONT,

YOU GET IN THE BACK."

I SAID, "DAMNIT, LET'S RIDE."

WE'RE GOING DOWN THE STREET

CALLING LIKE IT'S FULL OF

PEOPLE.

EVERYBODY--

"MAN, LOOK AT ALL THEM PEOPLE

IN THAT CAR."

POLICE PULLED US OVER.

"ALL SIX OF Y'ALL GET OUT.

OH, I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS

SIX PEOPLE.

DRIVE ON."

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY SO BIG

WHEN THEY EATING THEY BE

HUMMING?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

WHEN HE'S IN THE RESTAURANT,

HE LIKE--

♪ (HUMMING)

THEN HE GAVE OUT A BREATH.

♪ (HUMMING CONTINUES)

(HUMMING STOPS)

I SAY, "YOU ALL RIGHT?"

"YEAH."

HE BIG, TOO.

EVERY TIME HE THINK WE GONNA EAT

HE START DANCING.

WE'LL BE AT HOME, I'LL SAY,

"MAN, I'M GOING TO GET SOMETHING

TO EAT."

HE BE LIKE--

♪ (HUMMING)

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE BIG WHEN YOU

GO TO THE MALL, AND YOU SEE

SOMEBODY BIGGER THAN YOU,

YOU BE LIKE--

"MY GOD."

(LAUGHTER)

OR WHEN SOMEBODY--

OR YOU KNOW YOU'RE BIG WHEN

SOMEBODY BIG SAY, "DAMN."

(LAUGHTER)

"WHAT DID YOU EAT?"

BIG PEOPLE BE WALKING BY THE

FOOD COURT.

♪ (HUMMING)

STARING AT THE COOKIES.

♪ (HUMMING CONTINUES)

(APPLAUSE)

OH, MAN.

I LOVE TO EAT, THOUGH.

I WENT INTO A RESTAURANT DOWN

HERE TODAY.

THE COOK TOOK A DEEP BREATH.

(SIGHS)

"HEY, COME OUT THE BACK.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS

ONE RIGHT HERE, BUT I NEED SOME

HELP RIGHT HERE."

AND PEOPLE THAT GET MAD WITH US

QUIT CALLING US 'FAT BASTARDS'.

WE ALREADY KNOW THIS.

YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

THAT DON'T BOTHER US.

PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY THAT.

"YOU FAT BASTARD."

THAT DON'T BOTHER ME.

LADY CALLED ME THAT THE OTHER

DAY.

"YOU FAT BASTARD."

I DON'T--

(LAUGHTER)

YOU WANNA MAKE ME MAD, YOU TELL

ME POPEYE CHICKEN GOING OUTTA

BUSINESS.

I'LL SET THIS THEATER ON FIRE!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

A KRISPY KREME DONUT WILL MAKE

YOU WRECK YOUR CAR.

AM I LYING?

YOU COULD BE RIDING NORMAL.

♪ (HUMMING)

THAT HOT LIGHT COME ON.

(BREAKS SCREECHING)

YOU'RE LIKE, "GET ME SIX GLAZED.

GET ME SIX GLAZED."

THEN THE LADY SAY, "YOU COULD

GET SIX MORE FOR $1."

YOU BE LIKE--

"QUIT PLAYING.

NO, PUT úEM IN THERE!

PUT úEM IN THERE!

PUT úEM IN THERE!"

OH, MY GOD.

I COULD EAT A DOZEN, AND MY

TEETH WON'T EVEN TOUCH úEM.

YOU THINK I'M LYING, DON'T YOU?

I HAD A DOZEN IN THE CAR, LIKE--

"AHHH!

AHHH!"

MY LITTLE GIRL LIKE, "DADDY,

YOU NOT EVEN CHEWING THEM."

I SAID, "YOU DON'T SUPPOSED TO."

(LAUGHTER)

I'M STUPID BECAUSE I KNOW THIS

STUFF ABOUT EVERYBODY.

LIKE, I GOT A PARTNER, HE ALWAYS

SHAKE HIS HEAD WHEN HE TALK TO

YOU.

YOU EVER SEEN PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

(LAUGHTER)

HIS NAME'S JIMMY.

I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S HAPPENING,

JIMMY?"

"AIN'T NOTHING, BABY.

WHAT'S GOING ON?"

I'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH

YOUR HEAD?"

"AIN'T NOTHING WRONG WITH

MY HEAD."

BUT HE LOOK AT ME--

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?"

I SAY, "AIN'T NOTHING WRONG."

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEBODY

DO THAT, IT'LL MAKE YOU DO IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

HE WAS TALKING TO ME ONE DAY.

"YEAH.

THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO DO."

I'M LIKE--

(LAUGHTER)

HE SAID, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR

HEAD?"

I SAID, "AIN'T NOTHING WRONG

WITH MY HEAD."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I'M TELLING YOU, I NOTICE

EVERYTHING.

LIKE, I GOT A FRIEND--

HE ALWAYS GIGGLE, AFTER EVERY

TIME YOU SAY SOMETHING.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEBODY JUST

GIGGLE FOR NO REASON?

HE WAS PAINTING A HOUSE.

I SAID, "YOU DO PAINTING?"

"YEAH, MAN.

HE GONNA BRING MY MONEY NOW."

(GIGGLES)

"WHAT YOU LAUGHING AT?"

"I AIN'T LAUGHING AT NOTHING.

WHAT YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

(GIGGLES)

COULD YOU IMAGINE SOMEBODY LIKE

THAT TESTIFYING FOR YOU IN

COURT?

THE JUDGE SAY, "YOU SEEN WHAT

HAPPENED?"

"YEAH.

HE DIDN'T DO NOTHING."

(GIGGLES)

JUDGE WOULD BE LIKE, "GUILTY.

GET HIM OUTTA HERE."

AND LIKE, I HAD A UNCLE THAT

COUGH-- I MEAN, HE HAD A COUGH

THAT WAS UNBELIEVABLE.

IT WASN'T LIKE-- (COUGHS)

IT'S LIKE HE'S REACHING FOR

SOMETHING.

YOU EVER SEEN PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

HE GOT THE COUGH--

HE LIKE-- (HEARTY COUGH)

LIKE, "YOU ALL RIGHT?"

"YEAH, I'M FI--"

(COUGHS)

(COUGHING CONTINUES)

AND WE'RE NOT GONNA EVEN TALK

ABOUT BAD BREATH.

OH, MY GOD.

PEOPLE WITH BAD BREATH--

DON'T THEY MAKE YOU MAD?

YOU EVER SEE PEOPLE'S BREATH BE

SO BAD YOU COULD SEE THE WORDS

COMING OUTTA THEIR MOUTH?

YOU BE STANDING THEIR TALKING--

"YEAH, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

ABOUT."

YOU START MOVING, HE START

MOVING.

"WHY YOU MOVING?"

"I SEE SOMEBODY BEHIND YOU."

HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO

SOMEBODY, BREATH BE SO BAD,

AND YOU BE A DISTANCE FROM THEM?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND YOU BE LIKE--

YOUR EYES ARE BLINKING?

AND HE BE TALKING--

"HOW YOUR MOMMA DOING?"

"SHE DOING FINE.

SHE--"

"AH, YOU GOT A LOT ON YOUR MIND,

DON'T YOU?"

(LAUGHTER)

HANG ON.

YOU ALL DON'T MIND.

I'M GONNA GET MY CIGARETTE RIGHT

HERE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU EVER GOT THOSE UNCLE THAT

SMOKE CIGARETTES, AND HE ALWAYS

TALKING WITH THE CIGARETTE IN

HIS MOUTH?

EVERYBODY GOT A UNCLE LIKE THAT.

MY UNCLE, HE COME TO THE DOOR,

BOXER DRAWERS ON, T-SHIRT.

YOU KNOW, GO, "HEY, HOW YOU--

HOW'S EVERYTHING?

HOW YOUR MOM DOING, HOW'S

EVERYTHING?

YEAH, HOW'S EVERYTHING?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR CAR?

ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR CAR?

YOU ALL AIN'T BROKE DOWN, NOW.

YOU--"

(HEARTY COUGHS)

(UNINTELLIGIBLE)

"YOU NEED TO LEAVE THEM

CIGARETTES ALONE."

"DANG WHAT IT IS.

DANG WHAT IT IS."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU BE WORKING ON THE CAR,

MY UNCLE WILL BE OUT THERE WITH

A CIGARETTE.

"I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT IT

IS.

YOU NEED TO LOOK AT THAT

ALTERNATOR.

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

(LAUGHTER)

NO, NO, THAT AIN'T THE

ALTERNATOR.

THAT'S THE ALTERNATOR OVER

THERE."

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

IT'S STRANGE PEOPLE IN

MY FAMILY.

I GOT A UNCLE THAT LAUGH OUT

LOUD, AND DON'T EVEN CRACK

A SMILE.

HAVE YOU EVER SAW THAT?

I TOLD MY AUNT, I SAID,

"HE DON'T NEVER CRACK A SMILE."

SHE SAID, "YES, HE DO."

I SAY, "WATCH THIS."

I CRACK A JOKE.

HE GO (HEARTY LAUGHTER)

WHOO!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Bruce Bruce: I'M TIRED OF OLD

PEOPLE.

(LAUGHTER)

I'M TIRED OF OLD PEOPLE SAYING

WHAT THEY WANNA SAY TO US AND

HURTING OUR FEELINGS AND WALKING

OFF.

YOU KNOW OLD PEOPLE SAY ANYTHING

AND WALK OFF.

(APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND YOU'RE TAUGHT AS A CHILD,

WHEN A OLD PERSON SAY SOMETHING

TO YOU, YOU DON'T TALK BACK.

BUT NOW I AM AN ADULT!

I LET THE ASS HAVE IT, YOU HEAR

ME?

I'M IN CHURCH SUNDAY,

AND I SPOKE TO THIS OLD LADY.

I SAID, "HEY, MA'AM.

HOW YOU DOING?"

SHE SAID, "HEY, BABY.

HOW BIG YOU GONNA GET?"

I SAY, "HOW OLD YOU GONNA GET?"

SHE GOT MAD.

"YOU FAT ASS."

"YOU OLD BITCH."

WE'RE IN CHURCH, NOW.

(LAUGHTER)

OLD PEOPLE SAY ANYTHING.

BLESS YOUR HEART.

THEY SAY THAT.

OLD PEOPLE SAY, "BLESS YOUR

HEART."

THAT MEANS SOMETHING IS WRONG

WITH YOU.

WHEN AN OLD PERSON SAY, "BLESS

YOUR HEART," SOMETHING IS WRONG.

YOU EVER SEEN SOMEBODY IN CHURCH

WITH AN UGLY BABY?

AND YOUR GRANDMOMMA WENT RIGHT

TO IT.

"IS THAT YOUR BABY?

BLESS HIS HEART."

THAT MEANS THAT BABY'S MESSED

UP!

(LAUGHTER)

LIKE MY MOTHER.

MY MOTHER IS MY GIRL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I LOVE MY MOTHER.

BUT MY MOTHER'S TWO-FACED.

ANYBODY'S MOTHER TWO-FACED?

(APPLAUSE)

MY MOTHER TALK ABOUT EVERYBODY

IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WE BE STANDING OUTSIDE, SHE--

"LOOK AT THERE.

SHE OVER THERE SELLING DOPE."

"HEY, BABY.

HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW'S EVERYTHING?"

"MOMMA, YOU'RE JUST LIKE SHE

SAID--"

"OH, SHUT UP BEFORE I--"

(LAUGHTER)

MY MOMMA WAS ROUGH.

MY MOTHER USED TO THREATEN ME

BEFORE WE GO ANYWHERE.

ANYBODY MOTHER LIKE THAT?

SO YOU KNOW, KIDS WANT

EVERYTHING.

WHEN THEY GO SOMEWHERE,

THEY WANT EVERYTHING.

MY MOTHER USED TO THREATEN ME.

SHE SAID, "BRUCE, WE GOING TO

K-MART.

DON'T ASK ME FOR NOTHING!"

(LAUGHTER)

YOU BE SCARED TO LOOK AT HER.

MOMMA STILL LOOKING.

YEAH, SHE'S LOOKING.

I GOT IN K-MART.

I SAW A FIRE TRUCK I WANTED

SO BAD, I'M LOOKING AT A FIRE

TRUCK.

"I WANT THAT FIRE TRUCK."

I WANT THAT FIRE TRUCK.

(LAUGHTER)

I WANT THAT FIRE TRUCK.

MY DADDY CAME ROUND THE CORNER.

"YOU SEE SOMETHING YOU WANT?"

HE'LL BE LIKE, "WHAT IS IT?"

HE SAID, "THAT FIRE TRUCK?"

I SAID, "YEAH, BUT MOMMA TOLD ME

DON'T ASK HER FOR NOTHING."

MY DAD SAID, "WELL, DOG,

YOU'RE TRYING TO GET US BOTH

MESSED UP."

(LAUGHTER)

AND MY MOTHER AND FATHER

DIVORCED WHEN I WAS SIX.

SO I DIDN'T LIKE NO OTHER MAN

BUT MY FATHER.

AND YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE KIDS

ARE.

WHEN I WAS SIX YEARS OLD, I KNEW

HOW TO CURSE AND EVERYTHING.

SO, SHE HAD LITTLE BOYFRIENDS

TRYING TO COME OVER TO GET

TO KNOW HER, TO GET TO ME--

YOU KNOW, TRY TO GET TO ME,

TO KNOW MY MOM.

I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

THAT WASN'T MY DAD.

SO EVERY SUNDAY, HE'D COME OVER.

HE'S SITTING, LOOK AT TV WITH

ME.

I DIDN'T LIKE HIM.

HE SAT DOWN.

I WOULD LOOK AT HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

I SAID, "WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?"

"YOUR UGLY DOG."

HE'LL CALL MY MOMMA, AND,

"HEY, THIS BOY HERE TALKING

TO ME ANY KIND OF WAY.

I AIN'T GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS."

AND YOU KNOW I WAS SLICK.

I SAID, "MOMMA, AIN'T SAID

NOTHING TO HIM.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM."

(LAUGHTER)

SHE SAID, "BRUCE, YOU BE GOOD."

I SAID, "YES, MA'AM."

MY MOTHER WALKED BACK IN THE

KITCHEN, I SAID, "OH, YOU TOLD

ON ME, YOU OLD BASTARD."

(LAUGHTER)

HE TOLD ME, "YOU A BASTARD."

I SAID, "YOU A BASTARD.

YOU CAN'T EVEN DO NOTHING--

YOU CAN'T EVEN DO NOTHING."

(LAUGHTER)

CAN YOU SEE A GROWN MAN ARGUING

WITH A LITTLE KID?

(LAUGHTER)

YOU KNOW THAT'S WHY I GOTTA HAVE

I GOTTA HAVE A WOMAN DOWN WITH

ME, AND I MEAN DOWN WITH ME

THOROUGHLY.

'CAUSE FELLAS, WOMEN DO FOOL

AROUND.

BUT THE REASON THEY DON'T GET

CAUGHT, 'CAUSE WHEN A WOMAN MESS

WITH A MAN, HE LIVES ACROSS

TOWN, OUTTA TOWN.

FELLAS, WE MESS WITH

NEXT-DOOR-NEIGHBOR, CO-WORKERS.

(LAUGHTER)

WONDERING HOW SHE FOUND OUT.

AND YOU'LL NEVER CATCH A WOMAN.

IF YOU DO CATCH A WOMAN,

YOU BETTER BELIEVE SOMEBODY TOLD

ON HER.

'CAUSE ONE THING ABOUT WOMEN--

WOMEN HAVE A PLAN.

THEY NEED TO HAVE A BACK-UP

PLAN.

THEY NEED TO HAVE A BACK-UP PLAN

TO BACK UP THE BACK-UP PLAN.

WOMEN'S STUFF IS IN ORDER.

(APPLAUSE)

WOMEN ARE THINKING WHILE YOU'RE

ASLEEP AT NIGHT.

THAT'S WHY YOU CAN WAKE UP AT

3:00 IN THE MORNING, LOOK AT

YOUR GIRL, SHE'S LOOKING RIGHT

AT YOU.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU BE LIKE, "OH, YOU AIN'T

ASLEEP?"

SHE LIKE "NO, I'M THINKING ABOUT

SOMETHING."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

IT'S JUST LIKE--

WOMEN ARE SOME--

IT'S JUST LIKE, WHEN YOU MAKE

LOVE TO YOUR WOMEN AND YOU

(BLEEP) FAST.

THEY DON'T SAY NOTHIN' THAT

NIGHT.

BUT WOMEN KNOW HOW TO MESS WITH

YOU THAT NEXT MORNING.

YOU GET UP.

"GOOD MORNING, MINUTE MAN."

YOU'RE LIKE "YOU BETTER GO ON

AND QUIT PLAYING.

"HEY, KIDS.

BREAKFAST WILL BE READY IN JUST

A MINUTE."

"YOU BETTER QUIT PLAYING, GIRL."

"HEY, THE SCHOOL BUS WILL BE

HERE IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE.

GO ASK YOUR DAD.

HE KNOWS ABOUT THAT."

(LAUGHTER)

BUT WOMEN ARE SOMETHING ELSE.

FELLAS, YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW

TO READ YOUR WOMAN.

YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO--

YOU GOTTA KNOW HOW TO READ YOUR

WOMAN.

YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY

WHEN TO SAY IT AND THE TIME

TO SAY IT.

IF YOUR WOMAN'S GETTING IN THE

CAR, COMPLAINING ABOUT THE JOB--

"I'M SO SICK OF THIS JOB,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

AND YOU RESPOND LIKE THIS--

"EVERY TIME YOU GET IN THE CAR,

YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT JOB."

(LAUGHTER)

YOU'RE GETTING READY TO HAVE

SOME PROBLEMS IN YOUR HOUSE.

WHEN YOU NEED TO JUST BE LAID

BACK AND COOL.

AND SHE GET IN THE CAR,

"I'M SO SICK OF THAT JOB,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

JUST SAY, "HEY, LOOK.

EVERYTHING GONNA BE ALL RIGHT."

(LAUGHTER)

AND SHE JUST BE STARING AT YOU.

"YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?"

YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HELL, YEAH."

"WE'RE GONNA STOP AT THE STORE."

Bruce Bruce: NOW LET ME LET

EVERYBODY KNOW SOMETHIN' RIGHT

NOW.

MY NAME IS BRUCE BRUCE.

NOT BIG BRUCE.

NOT BIG BOY.

NOT BIG MAN.

NOT FAT BRUCE.

NOT BIG SWO.

YOU CALL ME ANYTHING OTHER THAN

THAT, I'M GONNA CALL IT BACK

LIKE I SEE YOU, DO YOU

UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

I'M IN MIAMI, FLORIDA ABOUT

THREE WEEKS AGO.

I SAW O.J. SIMPSON.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

HE JUMPS OUT OF THE TRUCK,

"WHAT'S HAPPENIN', FAT BRUCE?"

I SAY, "IT AIN'T NOTHIN',

KILLER."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

HEY, Y'ALL, THAT'S MY TIME.

I'M BRUCE BRUCE.

THANK YOU.

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