Wednesday, October 5, 2016

  • 10/05/2016

Bob Saget, Rich Eisen and Greg Proops name physical attributes that Trump and Pence might lie about, #AddSportsRuinAMovie and recite lesser-known Johnnie Cochran rhymes.

In a close presidential race,or a penis-measuring contest,

every inch counts, which is why

Team Trump has been usingsome creative measuring.

In September, Donald's doctorslisted him as six-three

when he'd beenpreviously six-two.

We'd say it was a simplemistake, but, uh, come on.

Trump's doctor'sa medical professional.

(laughter)

There he is.

Was it Mickey Rourkein Cast Away?

-Looks like. Nice.-(laughter)

-(applause and cheering)-I've actually...

I'm gonna give you100 points for that.

Uh, I've been calling himSpammy Hagar. Uh...

-Uh...-(laughter)

And now Trump's VP,the Ghost of Mayonnaise Past,

-seems to be following suit.-Mm.

At last night'svice presidential debate,

it was clearthat Tim Kaine, Hillary's VP,

and also the dad on every DisneyChannel show...

-(laughter)-...was substantially

taller than Mike Pence.

And yet,when we looked it up online,

Pence is listed as tallerthan Kaine! What the (bleep)!

Either Trumpand Pence are lying,

or maybe they just measuretheir heights

while standing on the backsof the poor, but...

-(laughter, groaning)-It's actually...

(cheers and applause)

...a good political strategy.

Look, comedians,now that this is a thing,

what other physical attributemight the candidates lie about

to seem more presidential?

-Bob Saget. -Um, Mike Pence.A lot of people don't know this.

Mike Pence can make a cucumberdisappear actually

-just by sitting on it.-HARDWICK: Okay. Points.

-(laughter, applause)-Points.

Yeah. Rich Eisen.

Pence's hair is actuallythat white and not the result

of seeing the ghostthat haunts Trump's toupee.

-HARDWICK: All right. Points.-(laughter, applause)

Mr. Proops.

They're two oldentitled white guys.

They don't haveto lie about anything.

And now, good friends, it istime for tonight's #HashtagWars.

(cheering, applause)

This is a very busy time of yearfor sports, I'm told.

You got, uh, baseball playoffskicking off yesterday,

the NFL season underway,

Jose Conseco getting mistakenfor a seasonal pumpkin.

I mean, there'sso many things going on.

Since all the sporting events

are sure to give usmemorable cinematic moments,

tonight's hashtag is#AddSportsRuinAMovie.

Uh, examples might be-- A NASCAR Named Desire,

and Jurassic Gronk.

I'm gonna put 60 secondson the clock, and begin.

-Rich Eisen. -LeBron James and the Giant Peach.

-Yes, points.-(laughter)

Greg Proops.

A Beautiful Mind Addled by a Concussion.

-All right, points.Rich Eisen. -(laughter)

The Magnificent Seven with a Two-Point Conversion.

Well, Bob, it wasn't your turn,but I'm gonna...

I'm gonna give youa hundred points this time,

but if you do it again,you have to blow Rich.

Let's just don't give methe hundred points.

-I really want to blow Rich.-Okay, okay, great, great.

-Rich Eisen.-Do I get any say in this?

-No.-Okay.

Indiana Pacers and the Legion Of Doom.

Yes, points.

Greg Proops.

-To Kill a Larry Bird. -All right, points.

Saget.

Saving Nolan Ryan.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Greg.

Schindler's Batting Order.

HARDWICK:All right, points.

Rich.

The Prince of Roll Tides.

HARDWICK:Yes, points.

Very good.Greg Proops.

All Dogs Go to Michael Vick's House.

HARDWICK: All right, points.Oh, that's, uh...

Monday marked the 21stanniversary of the acquittal

of notorious autograph thiefOrenthal Simpson,

who, as I'm sure you know,was found not guilty

of double murder,

because the jury was dazzled bya nursery rhyme about Isotoners.

Yes, on October 3, 1995,

riverboat saxophone playerJohnnie Cochran

delivered the closing statementthat decided

the trial of last century:"if it doesn't fit,

you must acquit."So, in honor of that iconic

turn of phrase,I'd like you to come up with

as many other nonsensicalrhyme-y things

that Johnnie Cochran also said,probably,

in 60 seconds, and begin.Bob.

If you feel like (bleep)take off your mitten.

Points. Rich.

If you go on a benderdon't download Tinder.

All right, points.Greg Proops.

If your car gets keyedgo smoke weed.

All right, points.Rich.

Buy a toilet with Grouponfor something to poop on.

-All right, points.-SAGET: Nice.

Proops.

If you're eating an orange...Oh, (bleep) it.

'Cause nothing rhymes with that.

Points. Bobby.

When I get a little brokeI just suck (bleep) for coke.

-Aga-Again.-All... Again, yeah, again.