November 4, 2014 - Andrew Sullivan

  • 11/04/2014

Stephen provides live coverage of the midterms, cable news pundits flaunt high-tech gadgets, and "The Dish" blogger Andrew Sullivan weighs in on the election results.

>> Stephen: MIDTERMS 014: DETOURTO GRIDLOCK. AN EXCITING THING

THAT I AM TOTALLY INTERESTED IN.WAIT, DON'T CHANGE THE CHANNEL!

LOOK AT THIS VIDEO OF A DUCKLINGFOLLOWING A CAT DRESSED LIKE

A SHARK RIDING A ROOMBA! 014

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

WELCOME TO "THE REPORT"!

(AUDIENCE CHANTING "STEPHEN")THANKS, FOLKS!

WE'VE GOT TO DO THE SHOW.

THANKS SO MUCH, EVERYBODY!THANK YOU FOR YOUR HEROISM

THANK YOU SO MUCH, FOLKS!

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US IN HEREAND OUT THERE FOR THIS AN

HISTORIC NIGHT, THE 2014 MIDTERMELECTIONS!

NO ELECTION HAS EVER BEEN MOREMID-PORTANT.

SO MANY QUESTIONS WILL BEANSWERED, WILL THE SENATE CHANGE

HANDS?

WILL THE G.O.P. TIGHTEN ITS GRIPON THE HOUSE?

DID ANY ONE VOTE? BUT WHATREALLY MAKES THIS EVENING SO

AN-HISTORIC IS IT'S MY LASTELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL.

(AUDIENCE REACTS)AS YOU KNOW, I'M GOING OFF THE

AIR NEXT MONTH TO PURSUE MYDREAM OF NEVER COVERING THE

MIDTERMS AGAIN. AND TONIGHT I'MCOMING TO YOU LIVE!

SEE, IT SAYS RIGHT UP THERE!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> RIGHT UP THERE IN THE CORNER

IT SAYS "LIVE," RIGHT UP THEREON THE SCREEN.

THOUGH FROM MY SIDE OF THESCREEN IT ACTUALLY SPELLS "EVIL"

(LAUGHTER)THAT'S KIND OF CREEPY.

JIMMY, CAN WE CHANGE THAT TOSOMETHING LESS SPOOKY FROM MY

SIDE LIKE RED RUM?

THAT'S BETTER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

FOLKS, YOU WILL NOTICE TONIGHT'SSHOW IS MORE URGENT, MORE

INTENSE, MORE PAST MY BEDTIMEY.SO TO KEEP ME SHARP

I AM HOPPED UP ON AN AMERICANFLAG COLORED SPEED

BALL OF RED BULL, METH ANDVIAGRA!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YES, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TONIGHT THE STAKES ARE HIGH ANDSO AM I!

IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL!

BECAUSE REPUBLICANS ARE POISEDTO TAKE BACK THE SENATE! GOING

INTO TONIGHT, THERE WERE 45 SAFEDEMOCRAT SEATS AND 47 SAFE

REPUBLICAN SEATS, LEAVING 8 KEYSTATES WITH COMPETITIVE RACES.

IF THE G.O.P. PICKED UP ANY FOUROF THESE STATES, THEY CONTROL

THE SENATE MAJORITY.

IF NOT, THEY'LL SIMPLY CONTINUETO CONTROL THE SENATE FROM THE

MINORITY.

AND WE HAVE RESULTS.

IN NEW HAMPSHIRE SEEMS INCUMBENTDEMOCRAT AND WORLD'S SHORTEST

POEM JEANNE SHAHEEN HAS DEFEATEDFORMER MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR AND

MAN WHO CLAIMS HE NEVER HEARD OFMASSACHUSETTS SCOTT BROWN.

BROWN RESPONDED TO THE LOSS WITHGRACE, DIGNITY AND A DOWN

PAYMENT ON A HOUSE IN MAINE.

(LAUGHTER)NOW WE COME TO DELAWARE AND AS

USUAL CONTINUE RIGHT ON THROUGHTO NEW JERSEY WHERE DEMOCRAT

INCUMBENT AND FRIEND OF THESHOW CORY BOOKER IS REELECTED

TO THE SENATE BRINGING THENUMBER OF CHARISMATIC

BLACK MALE DEMOCRATS HAVING AGOOD NIGHT TO ONE.

IN THE GREAT STATE OF KENTUCKY,THE RACE BETWEEN ALISON

LUNDERGAN GRIMES AND INCUMBENTMITCH LUNDERGAN MCCONNELL

HAS BEEN NECK AND NECK FLAP(LAUGHTER)

AND WITH 97.3% OF ME REPORTING,MITCH McCONNELL HAS BEEN

REELECTED TO THE U.S. SENATE.

BIG NIGHT FOR MCCONNELL.

LET'S GO LIVE TO MITCHMcCONNELL'S VICTORY PARTY.

♪♪(LAUGHTER)

OF COURSE...

THAT DOES LOOK LIKE FUN.

THE MAN STILL HAS MOVES.

OF COURSE, AS EVERY ELECTIONNIGHT, I AM JOINED TONIGHT BY

THE ENTIRE COLBERT REPORTELECTION NEWS TEAM,

ANDREW SULLIVAN AND -- THAT'SIT.

THANKS FOR JOINING US, ANDREW

>> HAPPY TO BE HERE, STEPHEN

>> Stephen: ANDREW WILL BELIVE BLOGGING RESULTS IN OUR

CYBERELECTION CAFE.

WHAT ARE WE SEEING ON THE WEBTHERE ANDREW?

>> NOTHING SO FAR.

I CAN'T SEEM TO GET THEINTERNET.

>> Stephen: I SHOULD HAVE TOLDYOU, WI-FI IS $12 WITH A

PURCHASE OF A MUFFIN.

>> THIS IS BULLSHIT.

>> Stephen: THANKS FOR THATREPORT, ANDREW.

FOLKS, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW ALLMY CABLE NEWS COLLEAGUES OUT

THERE ARE BRINGING IT HOT ANDHARD TONIGHT.

FOX NEWS COMING OUT BLAZING WITHA SECRET WEAPON SO SECRET THEY

WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

>> I HAD OUR BRAIN ROOM PULLRESEARCH FOR ME.

WE HAD THE FOX NEWS BRAIN ROOMCOME UP WITH STATISTICS FOR US.

>> I CHECKED WITH THE BRAINROOM.

>> I BRAIN ROOMED THIS HERE ATFOX.

OUR CRACK TEAM IN THE BRAINROOM.

>> I WENT BACK AND HAD THE BRAINROOM LOOK.

THE BRAIN ROOM -->> Stephen: JUST AS YOU

SUSPECTED, FOX NEWS KEEPS ALLTHEIR BRAINS IN ONE ROOM AND --

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND IT'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE

CAMERAS.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, MSNBC HAS THEIR OWN

BIG PLANS TONIGHT.

THEY'VE ANNOUNCED LIVE ON AIRDURING MIDTERM COVERAGE CHRIS

HAYES WILL GO THROUGH PUBERTY --PUBERTY.

GOOD LUCK, CHRIS.

EXPLORE YOUR BODY.

PERFECTLY NATURAL.

BUT, AS ALWAYS, THE ONE THINGTHAT TRULY MATTERS ON ANY

ELECTION NIGHT IS WHO HAS THETOUCHIEST TOUCHSCREEN.

>> BILL HEMMER WILL BE AT HISBILLBOARD.

>> I'M HERE AT THE BILLBOARD TOTAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT THE RACES.

WE'RE WATCHING WHAT'S AT STAKEWITH THE MAN.

>> WE'RE USE OUR GRAPHIC TO TRYTO SET THE TABLE FOR FOLKS AT

HOME.

>> Stephen: BILL HEMMER ISTRACKING WHAT GOES RED AND BLUE

ON THE BILLBOARD AND STEVE DOOCYWILL PINCH OUT THE SAME RESULTS

FROM THE DOOCE DROPPER!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)COLOR CODED...

BUT, OF COURSE, CNN'S JOHN KING,AS USUAL, SETS THE STANDARD.

>> CNN NATIONAL CORRESPONDENTJOHN KING IS OVER AT THE MAGIC

WALL.

>> HE'S AT THE MAGIC WALL.

SPENDING A LOT OF TIME AT THEMAGIC WALL.

>> Stephen: YES,THE MAGIC WALL.IN THEIR DESPERATION, CNN IS

NOW DABBLING IN THE DARK ARTS.

WELL, I WILL NOT BEOUT-OCCULTED.

SO LET US VENTURE, NOW, TO AREALM OF ELDRITCH WIZARDRY

WHERE THE HUMAN MIND IS RENTBY THE FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE OF

THE HELL-BOUND!

THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'SMOUNTAINS OF MIDTERM MADNESS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YES!

YES!

WELCOME!

WELCOME, MY FRIENDS, TO THEMOUNTAINS OF MIDTERM MADNESS

WILL I WILL SUMMON ELECTIONRESULTS FROM THE DAMNED TO

BOW BEFORE THE ELDER GODYOGSOGOTH!

AND LET'S SEE WHO WE'VE GOT.

LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A CALL INMINNESOTA WHERE DEMOCRATIC

SENATOR AL FRANKEN WILL STAY PUTIN THE SENATE.

SO EITHER HE'S GOING A GREAT JOBOR MINNESOTANS ARE JUST TOO

DARN POLITE TO ASK HIM TO LEAVE.

IN MISSISSIPPI, THAD COCHRAN HASBEATEN DEMOCRAT TRAVIS CHILDERS.

I'M SURPRISED WE GOT THE RESULTSTHIS QUICKLY SINCE BY LAW THE

BALLOTS MUST BE COUNTED ONEMISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI,

THREE MISSISSIPPI, SO ON.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

MOVING TO ALASKA BETWEENMARK BEGICH AND DAN SULLIVAN,

POLLS DO NOT THOSE TILL AFTERMIDNIGHT EAST COAST TIME BUT

COLBERT REPORT WATCHERS HAVE THERIGHT TO KNOW BEFORE

ANYONE ELSE! SO HEAR ME!

HEAR ME ALL-SEEING ANCIENT ONES!

DRINK NOW MY BLOOD!

TAKE NOW MY SOUL!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AGHH! SPEAK, DEMON, SPEAK!

WHO WON THE ALASKA SENATE RACE?

>> THE WINNER OF THE ELECTION ISTOO CLOSE TO CALL!

>> Stephen: SERIOUSLY? I JUSTSOLD MY SOUL TO THE DARK

LORD FOR ALL ETERNITY AND ALL IGET IS "TOO CLOSE TO CALL"?

>> OKAY, GIVE ME A SECOND...I'LLJUST CHECK NATE SILVER AT 538

(LAUGHTER)>> Stephen: I COULD DO THAT

MYSELF.

>> I CAN'T GET ON WI-FI.>> Stephen: IT'S $12

>> AND YOU HAVE TO BUYA MUFFIN.

IT'S BULL[BLEEP].

>> AH, HERE IT IS! THE WINNEROF THE ALASKA SENATE RACE IS...

HOWARD STERN, BABA BOOEY, BABABOOEY!

>> Stephen: DAMN YOU, DEMON!DAMN YOU!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HEAR ME!

HEAR ME ELDER GODS!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY!

THANKS SO MUCH!

FOLKS, I WANT TO REMIND YOU ALLAGAIN THAT TONIGHT'S SHOW IS

LIVE, AND THAT INCLUDES THECOMMERCIALS YOU JUST SAW.

I HOPE NONE OF THEM WENT OFFSCRIPT LIKE THAT SHAMEFUL

EPISODE WHERE THE PILLSBURYDOUGHBOY TALKED ABOUT WHITE

POWER. (LAUGHTER)SO LET'S CHECK IN WITH TONIGHT'S

ELECTION RESULTS, IN

WISCONSIN'S TIGHT GOVERNOR'SRACE BETWEEN DEMOCRAT MARY BURKE

AND INCUMBENT SCOTT WALKER, ITHAS BEEN CALLED FOR WALKER BUT

I'M GONNA GROW A PAIR AND SAYWALKER WON AGAIN.

FOR DEMOCRATS, THAT MAY BE HARDTO SWALLOW BUT NOT AS HARD AS

MILWAUKEE'S BEST.

(LAUGHTER)OF COURSE, WE'LL HAVE MORE

RESULTS LATER, ONE IMAGINES.

BUT NOT JUST ON TV BECAUSE THISYEAR, FOLKS, ELECTION COVERAGE

IS ALL ABOUT PARTNERSHIPSBETWEEN TRADITIONAL AND SOCIAL

MEDIA. FOR INSTANCE, THIS YEARCNN HAS TEAMED UP

WITH BING ANDINTERNET EXPLORER.

TOGETHER, THEY WILL STREAMREALTIME RESULTS STRAIGHT TO

YOUR DAD'S BEEPER.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)AND IT'S NOT JUST CNN.

>> YOU CAN JOIN IN OURCONVERSATION ON Facebook OR

TWITTER.

>> TWEET US USING HASH TAGMSNBC.

>> DOWNLOAD THE iCitezen APP ONYOUR IPhone TO TAKE PART.

>> GIVE US YOUR DEMOCRATICSELFIE, SEND BY Facebook,

TWITTER OR INSTAGRAM.

>> LOG ON TO MY BLOG THE DAILYBRET.com.

>> Stephen: OH, GIVE US THIS DAYOUR DAILY BRET.

SO FOLKS, I'M JUMPING ON THEINTERNET BANDWIDTH WAGON

FOR MORE. LET'S HEAD OVER TO THESOCIAL TRACKER 8700!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)♪♪

WELCOME!

TO THE SOCIAL TRACKER 8700 WHERETELEVISION MERGES WITH THE

INTERNET BY POINTING A CAMERA ATA COMPUTER SCREEN.

WHILE THE REST OF THE NEWS ONLYUSES SITES LIKE TWITTER AND

Facebook, I'VE GOT THE LATESTBUZZ ON LinkedIn WHERE I'M

TRACKING WHICH DEMOCRATICSENATORS ARE NOW LOOKING FOR A

JOB AND IF RICK STILL WANTS METO JOIN!

LEAVE ME LEAVE ME ALONE, RICK!

I DO NOT WISH TO CONNECT WITHYOU!

I AM ALSO CHECKING MID-TERMCOVERAGE ON AIRBNB, UBER,

SEAMLESS, ZAPPOS, FANDANGO ANDADULT FRIEND FINDER.

QUALITY PEOPLE, VERY FRIENDLY.

I'M ALSO ALL OVER VINE WITHEXCLUSIVE COVERAGE FROM MY

COLLEAGUE NBC NEWS' CHUCK TODD.CHUCK, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

>> THANK YOU, STEPHEN.

WE HAVE INTERESTING EXIT POLLSBUT IN A SHOCKING UPSET, I

CAN NOW REPORT THAT -->> Stephen: THANK YOU, CHUCK.

(APPLAUSE)GOTTA TELL YA, HE'S THE BEST.

SOUNDS LIKE THAT MIGHT HAVE BEENA GREAT REPORT.

SO, NATION, KEEP YOUR TWEETS,HASH TAGS, POSTS, POKES,

GRINDERS, GRAMS AND INSTASCOMING. TELL US WHAT YOU THINK,

SO WE CAN REPORT WHAT YOU SAID,THEN YOU CAN FIND OUT

WHAT YOU THOUGHT SO WE CANFIGURE OUT IF THERE WAS A

REASON FOR US TO HAVE DONE THIS.WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

EVERYBODY!

LOOKING AT THE LATEST RESULTS,IT HAS BEEN A GOOD NIGHT SO FAR

FOR REPUBLICANS.

SOME OF THEM ARE EVEN STILLAWAKE TO CELEBRATE IT.

AND IT IS OFFICIAL, THE G.O.P.

HAS TAKEN THE SENATE ANDEVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

CONSERVATIVES HAVE BIG PLANS FORTHIS COUNTRY.

JUST ASK THE LIBERALS.

>> IF REPUBLICANS WIN, THE WILDMEN WILL BE COMING OUT FOR

BLOOD.

THEY'LL TRY TO KILLObamaCare.

FORGET IMMIGRATION REFORM,THEY'LL WANT HIGHER BORDER

FENCES.

>> YOU WILL HAVE A HUGE PUSH TOOPEN PUBLIC LANDS FOR DRILLING.

>> YOU CAN COUNT ON PRESIDENTOBAMA BEING IMPEACHED.

>> Stephen: OH, YOU CAN COUNTON OBAMA BEING IMPEACHED BECAUSE

CONSERVATIVES LIKE ME CAN HARDLYWAIT TO SWEAR IN

PRESIDENT BIDEN.

OH, GOD.

OH, NO.

THE POINT IS, THIS IS THE MOSTSIGNIFICANT ELECTION OF MY OR

ANYONE'S LIFETIME. HERE TO AGREEWITH ME, FROM THE DISH,

BLOGGER AND UNRECONSTRUCTEDOBAMA SUPPORTER ANDREW SULLIVAN,

ANDREW SULLIVAN, EVERYBODY.WHOO!

ANDREW!

(APPLAUSE)GOOD TO SEE YOU, MY FRIEND.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M GREAT.

>> Stephen: IT MUST BE A ROUGHNIGHT FOR YOU.

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK ORSOMETHING STRONGER LIKE A

REVOLVER?

HOW ARE YOU DEALING WITH THISCRUSHING DEFEAT FOR THE

DEMOCRATS?

>> WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S AMIDTERM ELECTION IN THE SECOND

TERM OF A PRESIDENT AND -->> Stephen: ALWAYS THE MOST

IMPORTANT.

>> WELL WITH, NORMALLY YOU WOULDEXPECT THEM TO GAIN ABOUT SEVEN

SEATS AND LOOKS LIKE THEY'LLGAIN ROUGHLY AROUND THAT.

SO IT'S NOT OUT OF THE ORDINARYFOR MIDTERM IN THE SECOND TERM

OF A PRESIDENT.

>> Stephen: WHATEVER LETS YOUCRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)DO YOU STILL SUPPORT OBAMA?

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: BUT THE DEMOCRATSDIDN'T SUPPORT OBAMA, THEY

DIDN'T -- THEY RAN AWAY FROM THEPRESIDENT, AND LOOK HOW IT

HELPED THEM.

>> YES.

(LAUGHTER)I'M NOT A DEMOCRAT, NEVER

UNDERSTOOD THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

YOU HAVE A PRESIDENT WHO'SACTUALLY GOT A TERRIFIC ECONOMIC

RECORD COMPARED TO ANY OTHERDEVELOPED NATION ON THE PLANET.

(APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: THAT'S WHY YOU'RE

NOT A REAL CONSERVATIVE BECAUSEWE DON'T COMPARE OURSELVES TO

OTHER NATIONS.

THERE'S THE UNITED STATES ANDTHERE'S JUST OTHER PLACES.

>> HERE'S WHAT I DON'TUNDERSTAND ABOUT THE

DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

YOU HAVE A PRESIDENT ENACTUNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE WHICH

IS THEIR GOAL FOR 40 YEARS ANDTHEY RUN AWAY FROM THAT

ACHIEVEMENT AND REFUSE TO TALKABOUT IT.

THEY'RE WEAK-KNEED, LILY-LIVEREDCOWARDS WHEN IT COMES TO

REALLY FIGHTING THE FIGHT. I AMSTILL KIND OF PSYCHOLOGICALLY

AND TEMPERAMENTALLY REPUBLICANBUT I AM SUPPORTING THIS

DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT BECAUSE ITHINK HE HAS DONE AN AMAZING JOB

IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>> Stephen: OKAY.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS MEANSNOW FOR POLITICS IN WASHINGTON?

BECAUSE NOW OBAMA CAN'T GETANYTHING DONE, AS OPPOSED TO THE

CURRENT STATE OF AFFAIRS WHEN HEDOESN'T GET ANYTHING DONE.

>> IN SOME WAYS, I THINK THEMOST SIGNIFICANT THING TONIGHT

IS NOT THE SENATE BUT THE HOUSE,THE GAINS THE REPUBLICANS HAVE

MADE IN THE HOUSE.

>> Stephen: WHAT ARE THEY?

I HAVEN'T PAID ANY ATTENTION.

>> I DON'T KNOW THE EXACTNUMBERS NOW.

>> Stephen: YOU DON'T KNOW ANDI DON'T KNOW. SO WE'RE THE

UNINFORMORED, INFLUENCING EACHOTHER IN REALTIME.

>> THEY GAINED AROUND 10SEATS AND CHUCK TODD, WHO

HAS BEEN THE ORACLE IN THIS,ARGUED THAT THEIR GRIP IS SO

TIGHT IN THE HOUSE THEY MAY NOTBE ABLE TO BE GOTTEN RID OF IN

THE HOUSE UNTIL 2022, WHICHMEANS ANY DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENT

FROM NOW ON WILL HAVE TO DEALWITH AN EXTREMELY

CONSERVATIVE HOUSE OFREPRESENTATIVES.

>> Stephen: THE REAL PROBLEM IHEAR FROM PEOPLE WHO THINK ABOUT

THESE THINGS IS THE DEMOCRATSDON'T COME OUT AND VOTE IN

MIDTERMS.

LOW TURNOUT FAVORS THEREPUBLICANS.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO GET MOREAMERICANS TO VOTE?

SHOULD WE HAVE THE "I VOTED"STICKERS DEEP FRIED?

BECAUSE RIGHT NOW THEY'RE PRETTYTASTELESS

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)(LAUGHTER)

>> NEXT ELECTION IS THE FIRSTELECTION AS AN IMMIGRANT I'LL BE

ABLE TO ACTUALLY VOTE.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE YOURCITIZENSHIP NOW?

>> NOT YET.

IT WILL COME THROUGH IN THE NEXTYEAR AND I'LL BE ABLE TO VOTE.

>> Stephen: ANDREW, THANK YOUSO MUCH FOR JOINING ME!

ANDREW SULLIVAN!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>> Stephen: WELL, THAT'S ITFOR TONIGHT'S "REPORT."

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, THAT'S ITFOR THE 2014 MIDTERMS, BUT MOST

IMPORTANTLY, THAT'S ITFOR MY YEARS OF LIVE ELECTION

COVERAGE.

SO, I'D LIKE TO TAKE A BRIEFMOMENT BEFORE WE GO TO SAY THANK

YOU.

AND ALSO THANK ME.

(LAUGHTER)COUNTING MY TIME ON THE DAILY

SHOW WITH JON DAILY AND THEDAILY ZOO CREW, WE'VE BEEN

GETTING TOGETHER WITH YOU LIKETHIS SINCE 2000.

WHO CAN FORGET THATONE? BUSH V CHAD.

IF YOU'RE COUNTING, THAT'S 8LIVE ELECTION SHOWS IN 14 YEARS.

MAKES SENSE SINCE 14DIVIDED BY 2 IS 8.

(LAUGHTER)I HAVE SO MANY MEMORIES. MOSTLY

SHAPES AND COLORS.

THERE'S BEEN A FAIR AMOUNT OFDRINKING ALONG THE WAY.

(LAUGHTER)AS I LEAVE YOU FOR THE LAST

TIME, I'D LIKE TO SHARE WHATI'VE LEARNED WITH FUTURE

GENERATIONS AS WELL AS THEALIENS FROM ZAFRAX-5 WHO FIND

THIS SHOW ON THE GOLDENCYLINDERS LAUNCHED INTO SPACE

MOMENTS BEFORE THE EARTHEXPLODES.

HI GUYS!

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT WHOEVER WONTHIS ELECTION, THE REPUBLICANS,

SOMEONE IS ALWAYS RUNNINGAGAINST SOMEONE SOMEWHERE

ELSE OR OTHER.

ONE OF THEM WINS, THE OTHERLOSES.

SOME ARE TOO CLOSE TO CALL. YOUMEAN TO CHECK BACK LATER

AND FIND OUT WHO WON. BUT YOUFORGET AND BY THE TIME YOU

THINK TO DO IT, THERE'S ALREADYANOTHER ELECTION.

I'M SURE THEY WRITE DOWN WHO THEGOVERNOR OF NORTH DAKOTA IS

SOMEWHERE.

I COULDN'T FIND IT.

BUT MOST OF US AREN'T GOING TONEED THAT INFORMATION.

WE GO ABOUT OUR LIVES SECURE INTHE KNOWLEDGE THAT NORTH DAKOTA

HAS A GOVERNOR OR EQUIVALENT.

(LAUGHTER)BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL ALWAYS

REMEMBER?

THE HARD WORKING MEN AND WOMENOF BROADCAST NEWS WHO TOLD US

WHO WON THAT GOVERNOR'S RACE.

MEN AND WOMEN LIKE -- STEPHENCOLBERT.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)YOU SEE, FOLKS,

TONIGHT MARKS A SORT OF FAREWELLFOR ME.

MAYBE SOME DAY YOU WILL SEE MEON TV AGAIN AND YOU WILL NUDGE

YOUR SPOUSE AND SAY, HEY, IREMEMBER THAT GUY.

I USED TO LOVE HIM.

MAYBE I WILL BUY HIS SLAP CHOP.

SO THAT'S IT FOR "THE REPORT."

I'LL END BY SAYING IT'S BEEN APLEASURE AND PRIVILEGE TO HAVE

BEEN WELCOMED INTO YOUR HOMETHESE LAST NINE YEARS.

SO TO YOU AND YOURS, I'LL SAY AFOND -- WHAT'S THAT?

ANOTHER MONTH AND A HALF OFSHOWS?

(LAUGHTER)WELL, THEN, THIS WAS A LITTLE

TOO DRAMATIC.

(LAUGHTER)I'M SORRY.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW!

I'M EMBARRASSED!

WOW!