Two Chainz

  • Season 3, Ep 1
  • 02/17/2016

Abbi tries to find a way to remove a security tag from her new shirt before her friend's big gallery show, and Ilana loses the key to her bike lock.

Damn.I could have done that.

Chain belt.

V. bold.

Enchanté.

(woman)Abbi!

(laughing)

(whispering)That's Max.

(Max)Hi!

(Abbi)Hi!

Oh, my God!

I'm so gladyou're here.

How are you?You look so cool.

Oh, stop.Yeah, man.

I look ridiculous.

But you know, it's good tohave a look around here.

Boy, doI know it.

This is Ilana.

Hi.Nice to meet you.

I recognize you fromAbbi's Instagram.

That means so muchto me, thank you.

Thank you.

It means so much to methat you guys are here.

Dude, so?

Is this it?

This is it.Wow.

Wow, wow, wow.

It's...Be honest, whatdo you think?

It's--I mean, it's---

I get it.

Like, I understandit, completely.Me too.

I get it, too-- Yes.You get it?

I painted it withthe end of a feather.

Not the end thatyou write with,

with the softend of a feather,

so it actually took metwo-and-a-half years.

Wow.This is, like,a real gallery, dude.

They don't evenserve food.

It's so crazy.But you know what?

Honestly, Abbi, you couldso easily be here, too.

Seriously.

Has Abbi ever told youabout her line landscapes?

She doesn'ttell me much.

Oh, my God,she's so humble.

They're so surreal,but at the same time,

they were so real.

You think so?

And at the same time,they were so surreal.

But at the same time,they were...

They were just so real.

Oh.Stop it.

It's true.Um... so is Donna here?

Oh, my God.

I didn'ttell you?

What?Okay, so...

you know howafter senior year,

all of my clotheswere missing?

All of my clothes.

That is so sad.Uh, yeah.

How could I forget.It was nuts.

So last year, I see Donnawalking down the street,

wearing the sweater thatmy grandmother made me.

Shut up.(whooping)

So I confronted her on itand we had this huge fight

and now wedon't speak.

I mean, whosteals clothes?

Honestly?

Trashy.

Trashy...Person.

Yeah.(gagging)

Oh, Abbi, that'sthe curator.

She would loveyour stuff.

I'm gonna go runover and grab her,

I'm gonna bring her backhere and introduce you two.

That would be amazing.

Oh, thisis perfect.

I loveyou, dude.

You're so talented,and you're the best.

You look so hot.

(bleep)-- We gotta getthis thing off me.

She's gonna think I stoleall her (bleep) clothes.

My therapist isgonna have a field day.

Maybe if I just, like,pull the fabric?

Like, wegotta get this off.

You know what-- My teeth.My teeth are huge, come on.

Huge and sharp.

Shh, shh!

(popping)

(gasping)

(screaming)No!

(crying, clapping)

(silence)

Sh-- She didn'tsteal it.

Get out!

(Abbi)No, Max Anne,no.

Come on.Come on.

How could you?

(crying)No, Max Anne...

Get out!No!

Stop touchingit and go!

Okay.

I...

(Max Anne)Go!

Go faster!

So sorry.

(clanking)

Ugh.

Of course.

Ilana...Get off the balls.

It is a magnet.

Help me now.

Get offof it.

Use your upperbody strength.

Help her get offof it and go!

Oh!

Okay.

Okay.

You don't need tosteady it, just go.

Go!

You're a bitch!

Congrats.

♪♪

Oh...

(sighing)

♪ Let 'em say whatthey're gonna say ♪

♪ They gonna feel howthey gonna feel ♪

♪ And I love it

(whistling)♪ I love itBaby hey ♪

(flushing)♪ You should too

(moaning)♪ So let 'em saywhat they're gonna say ♪

My God...♪ They're gonna feelhow they're gonna feel ♪

(flushing)♪ But I love it

♪ Yeah I love it

♪ And babyhey ♪

♪ You should too Yeah, yeah.

♪ I'm just as thickas my skin is ♪

♪ I feel the waterrolling down my back ♪

♪ Precipitation'sso repetitive ♪

Hello?♪ I read this all before

(crashing)♪ Move to the sound

♪ Swish all around

♪ A palate cleanserfor your salty mouth ♪(honking)

(crackling)♪ I know

♪ They'll never get enough

♪ They don't get itthey don't get it ♪

♪ But if you'regiving it ♪

♪ Then don't you change

♪ 'Cause livingwas the best revenge ♪

♪ Let 'em say whatthey gonna say ♪

(farts)♪ They gonna feelhow they gonna feel ♪

♪ And I love it What the (bleep),Bevers?

♪ I love it and baby I'm sorry.

♪ Hey you should to (singing loudly)

♪ So let 'em saywhat they wanna say ♪

Jaime!They gonna feel howthey gonna feel

(bubbling)♪ But I love it

♪ Yeah I love it

♪ And babyhey ♪

♪ You should too

♪ You should too ♪

(squeals)

(woman laughs)

Ow!

(sighs)

(woman) Very good.(man) Cut!

(woman)Face out.

(grunting)

Ooh.Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!(chuckles)

I'll sew that.(chuckling)

Bill it.Bill me!

Ooh!(chuckling)

(grunts)

Ooh!

(grunting)

(inhaling and exhaling)

(grunting)

Need a zip-up.

Need a zip.

I can't even find the zipper.(chuckles)

(grunting)

(woman)Okay, head to the mirrorover the sink

and see if you look good in it.

Ooh, yeah.

(woman)Great, back over to the toilet.

(sighs)

I feel good.

I want to die.

I got it, Ilana,it's so close.

I'm gonna have thisfor the rest of my life.

(indistinct chattering outside)

(man)Josh, can you--Tight on the lock, okay?

(man #2)On the hand, or...(man) From-- Okay.

(man #3)All right, title rolling.We're rolling.

(man)Hey, uh...(woman)What?

(Ilana)The metal broke offin the thing.

(woman)Oh, shit.(man)No way, really?

(Abbi)It might be fine.(Ilana)I'm truly locked in a chain.

(Abbi, laughing)Oh, my God.

(man)We're rolling.

(woman)Shoot.It's gonna happen.

Shoot.Yeah, shoot.

Shoot.

Ugh...Wait, what about justtipping it?

Wait, we didn't tryupper or lower.

We, like, (bleep) it intothe (bleep) lock now.Do you have tweezers?

(woman)Yeah.Yeah.

I'm not proudof myself right now.

(Abbi)I didn't think I would ever(bleep) up the lock.

(Lucia)Yeah, it's a pen. The wholepoint is that it's a dumb idea.

(Abbi)I know!(Lucia)Well, truth be told,

it's supposed to be pen and cap,not the pen itself.

(Ilana)Yeah, and I said"Do the pen."

It's justsitting in there.(Abbi)I feel like you would see it.

No one can see it.(Lucia)No, you can't really see it.

(Abbi)Wait, is there--Is there room?

Can you move--Did you, like, move this thing?

(Ilana)Oh, I (bleep) see it.

It's at the (bleep) bottom,stuck in the thing.

Yeah, I see it.What if you stand and it's aimeddown and we shoot up at it?

(Abbi)Oh, yeah, we can--

Use gravity!Use gravity!

Ahh!

Okay, I'm scared.

Yeah, then use that.

(indistinct chattering)

(man)That turns into...

Ah!

Ahh!Ahh...

(man)This is so weird.Oh, my gosh, we're, like,burning the lock now?

Come on, bitch.

So the end of the storylast night with the chain...

(Lilly)Oh, we could actually probablyget it up over that.

(Abbi)Wait, for real, be careful.

Dis quayne...

Our EP.The only person who was ableto get the chain off.

Everybody was using brawn.

Ooh.A crack.

Oh! My Lord.

Brain over brawn.Brain over brawn.

Everyone just triedto jam it in.

All you had to dowas look at it, tip it over...

(Lilly)Small and sharp.(Abbi)Coming right up.

(Ilana)Get your head in.(Abbi)Lucy.

(Ilana)Get your head in, be reallyupset right here.

Okay.

Ugh-- That's bad,I don't like that.

Oh!Oh!

Yeah! Oh, my God.

Then, all you had to do--It's a little bit of a lessonin other things.

It's very "Broad City."

It was very "Broad City."Don't just jam it in.