Extended - Thursday, October 2, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 10/02/2014

Emily Heller, Tim Minchin and Rhys Darby learn about Slipknot's music festival, list #BadThemeParks and see some regrettable tattoos in this extended and uncensored episode.

(LAUGHTER)RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNET

HEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)WELL, GET OUT YOUR FAKE

PASSPORTS AND YOUR LITHIUM,'CAUSE HOMELAND COMES BACK FOR A

FOURTH SEASON THIS SUNDAY. UH...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> THERE SHE IS.

>> HARDWICK: NOT A VERYCONSPICUOUS DISGUISE IN THERE.

BUT JUST BECAUSE BRODY IS GONE,DOESN'T MEAN HIS LOVE IS.

THE TUMBLR DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARYFEATURES WHAT ROMANTIC HOMELAND

PRODUCTS?

A: HOMELAND-INSPIRED VALENTINE'SDAY CARDS.

B: NICHOLAS BRODY, PRISONER OFLOVE, FUZZY CUFFS?

C: DAMIAN LEWIS GINGER-FLAVOREDCONDOMS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)EMILY HELLER.

>> I THINK EVERYONE ON THE PANELTONIGHT HOPES IT'S THE DAMIAN

LEWIS GINGER-FLAVORED CONDOM.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> YEAH.

>> DAMN STRAIGHT.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> HARDWICK: YOU WOULD WANT

THAT, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A:HOMELAND-INSPIRED VALENTINE'S

DAY CARDS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

(LAUGHTER)UH, COMEDIANS, WHAT IS AN EVEN

MORE INAPPROPRIATE TV-INSPIREDPRODUCT?

EMILY HELLER?

>> MAD MENSTRUAL PADS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: OH, WAIT. WAIT.

>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL PERIODTELEVISION.

>> HARDWICK: YES. OH! SO GOOD.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)UH, TIM MINCHIN.

>> I CAN'T... I CAN'T NOT THINKABOUT SANITARY PRODUCTS NOW.

(LAUGHTER)WHAT ABOUT, UM... PRESIDENTIAL

MAXI PADS, NOW WITH WEST WINGS.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. YUP.

>> DO THEY HAVE WINGS?

>> HARDWICK: YUP.

>> DO PADS HAVE WINGS IN THISCOUNTRY?

>> HARDWICK: YES, AND THEY'LLBE...

>> I THOUGHT THAT MIGHT BE ALOCAL JOKE.

>> HARDWICK: IT COULD BE.

ALSO, THEY'LL BE SORKIN UP ALLOF THE STUFF...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

YES.

>> ALL RIGHT, SHE REALLY DOES DOTHE MOST AMAZING, DISGUSTED

FACE.

LOOK AT HER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: IT'S GOOD.

SHE'S A GOOD ACTRESS.

>> NO WONDER ROMEO KILLEDHIMSELF.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: NO. OKAY.

NO, SHE'S NOT THE ACTUALCHARACTER OF JULIET.

SHE WAS JUST IN THAT MOVIE.

THAT WAS NOT A DOCUMENTARY.

>> ALL RIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)HARD TO SAY, ISN'T IT, THESE

DAYS, ALL THE FACT AND FICTION,YOU KNOW?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU 100 POINTSFOR HAVING A GREEN CARD.

>> OH, THANK YOU.

I'VE GOT A GREEN CARD.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> UH...

>> HARDWICK: YES?

>> I'M, LIKE, A FULL AMERICANCITIZEN.

MAYBE THE ONLY ONE, SO...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> UH-OH.

>> HARDWICK: UH-OH.

>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL EDUCATE YOU LATER.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS FOR RHYSDARBY.

(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)IF...

>> I'VE GOT SOMETHING IN MYGROIN.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)ONCE AGAIN, LATER.

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: IF YOU LOVE MUSIC

FESTIVALS, BUT FEEL LIKE THEGATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS HAS

GOTTEN TOO CORPORATE, THEN YOUSHOULD PROBABLY CONSIDER HEADING

TO BEAUTIFUL SAN BERNARDINO,CALIFORNIA LATER THIS MONTH FOR

KNOTFEST, A MUSIC FESTIVALSTARRING HORROR METAL GREAT

SLIPKNOT.

THERE THEY ARE.

IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THEBAND...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)YEAH, OKAY, GOOD.

30% OF YOU ARE FANS.

SO, JUST IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOWWHO THEY ARE, UH, THEY KIND OF

DRESS LIKE A TIM BURTON JACKOFFFANTASY, AND...

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THEY MAKE MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE

THE SOUNDTRACK TO A KID GOING,"I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE, DAD!"

(LAUGHTER)NOW, IN AN INTERVIEW WITH

ROLLING STONE.COM THIS WEEK, THEBAND REVEALED THE FESTIVAL WILL

HAVE A SIGNATURE SMELL.

HOW...

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)DUH. HOW IS THE BAND CREATING

THIS SUPER METAL MYSTERY ODOR?

A: OSCILLATING FANS POINTED ATRAW MEAT SOAKING IN ROCK STAR

ENERGY DRINK?

B: A CHEMICAL SYNTHESIS OF THEIRROADIE'S FLATULENCE?

OR FLAMING BARRELS FILLED WITHCAMEL POOP?

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)YES, TIM MINCHIN.

>> I WANT IT TO BE OSCILLATINGFANS POINTED AT RAW MEAT SOAKED

IN ROCK STAR ENERGY DRINK,'CAUSE IT'S A GREAT COMBINATION

OF THINGS THAT ARE OSCILLATING.

(LAUGHTER)AND A BRANDING OPPORTUNITY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

IS THAT YOUR ANSWER?

>> BUT I THINK IT'S C: FLAMINGBARRELS OF...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OKAY. LET'S FIND

OUT.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, IN FACT,C: THE CAMEL DOO.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)>> YOU ALL LOVE FLAMING CAMEL

POOP.

>> HARDWICK: I GREATLY ENJOY THEFACE OF THE CAMELS GOING, "OOH,

WHY ARE YOU BURNING MY POOP?"(LAUGHTER)

YOU CRAZY MURDER CLOWN.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT ISSOMETHING ELSE FANS CAN LOOK

FORWARD TO AT KNOTFEST? TIM?

>> UM, LIKE, A KNOT STORE WHEREYOU CAN LEARN TO TIE REALLY GOOD

KNOTS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: THIS IS A BOX...

>> UH, SOME OF THEM... SOME OFTHEM CAN SLIP AND...

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH.

>> BUT, ALSO, YOU CAN JUST DOREALLY, LIKE, PROPER ONES THAT

CAN'T SLIP.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, EXACTLY.

>> LIKE, IT'S A WHOLE, LIKE, ALLTHE DIFFERENT KNOTS.

LIKE, WHERE YOU CAN ACTUALLY GO,LIKE, IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO

SECURE.

>> HARDWICK: RIGHT. OF COURSE.

>> YOU SEE, LASHINGS, YOUR REEFKNOTS, YOUR SEA SCOUTS WOULD BE

INVOLVED IN THAT.

>> YEAH, THIS SORT OF THING,YEAH?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH. POINTS.

RHYS DARBY.

>> WELL, YOU COULD HAVE APETTING ZOO FOR THE CHILDREN.

UM...

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

>> IT'S A GREAT IDEA!

>> MY KIDS WOULD ENJOY THAT.

>> WHILE YOU'RE LISTENING TO THEMUSIC.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I ENJOY YOUR

EARNEST IDEA.

UH, POINTS FOR RHYS DARBY.

MOVING ON.

>> THEY COULD BE CAMELS, ANDTHEY COULD... YOU GET... YOU

CHARGE FOR THE RIDES AND YOU GETTHE POO.

>> WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

UH, COME AND HAVE A LOOK.

HERE THEY ARE!

HAVE A HUMP.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: MOVING ON, THE BLOG

ESTATELY.COM RECENTLY PAIREDUP WITH DREAMSCLOUD.COM, A SITE

THAT INTERPRETS DREAMS TO CREATEA LIST OF THE TOP DREAM SEARCH

WORDS FOR EACH STATE.

THE FINDINGS WILL MAKE YOU NEVERWANT TO CROSS STATE LINES AGAIN.

NOW, AS YOU CAN SEE, ONE OF THETOP SEARCHES IN IDAHO IS

JAPANESE WRITING.

THIS IS IDAHO UP HERE!

(LAUGHTER)AMERICA!

KNOW YOUR GEOGRAPHY.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.

UH... ANOTHER TOP SEARCH NOTPICTURED IS RAW EGGS, PROBABLY

BECAUSE OF THAT RECURRING DREAMWHERE THEY EGG THE HOUSE OF THAT

EXCHANGE STUDENT WHO WRITESHAIKUS.

BUT NEBRASKA WAS PROBABLY THEWEIRDEST ONE, SO, COMEDIANS,

WHAT IS A REAL KEY WORD FOR THEMOST FREQUENTLY SEARCHED DREAMS

IN NEBRASKA?

(LAUGHTER)EMILY.

>> AFTERBIRTH?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: BY THE WAY, THAT'S

HOW YOU SHOULD HAVE TO LEGALLYSAY THE WORD "AFTERBIRTH."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)AFTERBIRTH...

(WHOOPING)>> I WAS JUST, I WAS TOLD THAT'S

HOW IT'S PRONOUNCED.

YOU HAVE TO HAVE AT LEAST THREECHINS WHILE YOU SAY IT.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: AFTERBIRTH...

WELL, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS...

ALL OF THEM! ALL OF THESETHINGS.

ALSO, NEBRASKA ALSO ENJOYS THEWORDS "PIGLET" AND "BUSINESS

CARD."

WHAT THE FUCK, NEBRASKA?

>> I... YEAH. IS IT...

HAVE THEY GOT CONFUSED?

ARE THEY ALL SEPARATE TERMS, ORIS IT ACTUALLY...

(LAUGHTER)...LIKE, ACTUALLY PEOPLE SEARCH

FOR A PIGLET AFTERBIRTH BUSINESSCARD?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

I THINK THAT'S ALL THE SAMEDREAM.

I HAD THIS REALLY WEIRD DREAMABOUT THIS SAND PIGLET WHO HAD

THESE BUSINESS CARDS, AND HECAME OUT OF THIS BIG PIG VAGINA

IN GRENADA.

DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING?

YES, IT MEANS YOU SHOULD LIVE INNEBRASKA!

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)IT'S A STRANGE PLACE.

WHERE KNOTFEST WILL BEPERFORMING, I'M SURE, AT SOME

POINT.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT DO YOUTHINK THE TOP DREAM SEARCH WORDS

ARE FOR YOUR FAVORITE STATE?

EMILY HELLER.

>> UH, I THINK FORMASSACHUSETTS, IT'S PROBABLY,

LIKE... CAW ACCIDENT.

LIKE, SHAWK BITE.

MAWK WAHLBERG.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE)TIM.

>> I RECKON IN ALABAMA THEYMIGHT... UM...

SECRET GAY JESUS?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS. WELL DONE.

>> THAT'S WHAT I WOULD SAY INALABAMA... IF I LIVED IN

ALABAMA.

>> HARDWICK: RHYS.

>> UH, YES, PLEASE, I'LL TAKEIT.

>> HARDWICK: UM, NO, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS NOT FOR SALE.

THIS IS NOT...

>> THAT'S NOT FOR SALE?

>> HARDWICK: NO. THIS IS...

>> I'M OUT.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: I GOT TO GIVE YOU A

HUNDRED POINTS ANYWAY.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE HASHTAGWARS.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)AS I MENTIONED EARLIER, ON THIS

DAY IN 1971, DISNEY WORLD OPENEDIN ORLANDO, FLORIDA, MAKING THE

STATE NO LONGER ONLY A TOURISTDESTINATION FOR THE PUBLIC LICE

CONVENTION KNOWN AS SPRINGBREAK.

NOT ALL THEME PARKS CAN BE ASSUCCESSFUL AS DISNEY WORLD, SO

TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS BAD THEMEPARKS, BAD THEME PARKS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE, UH, SHAVEDGARDENS TAMPA, OR...

HERSHEY HIGHWAY PARK.

SO I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ONTHIS CLOCK, AND BEGIN.

EMILY HELLER.

>> SIX FLAGS AND THEY ALL HAVESWASTIKAS ON THEM.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

THAT'S A VERY BAD THEME PARK.

>> IT'S BAD!

>> HARDWICK: TIM.

>> ONE FLAG.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)RHYS.

>> TWO FLAGS, BUT...

(LAUGHTER)WELL, WAIT, YOU'VE GOT TO SWIM

BETWEEN THEM.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> OH-HO!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TIM.

>> PREGO LAND.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

EMILY.

>> JURASSIC PARK.

PEOPLE DIED.

THERE WERE NO RIDES.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, POINTS.

POINTS.

RHYS.

>> UH, WORLD WAR II LAND.

IF THE AMERICANS TURN UP LATE,THEY GET IN HALF PRICE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, GOOD.

OH... SHIT!

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)OH! WAIT A MINUTE.

I'M SORRY, I'M GOING TO HAVE TOREQUEST YOUR GREEN CARD BE

HANDED OVER.

(LAUGHTER)>> DAMN!

>> HARDWICK: EMILY.

>> UH, RAGING ALCOHOLIC WATERS.

>> HARDWICK: YES! POINTS!

RHYS.

>> OH. UH, NO PARKING LAND.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

THE WHOLE...

>> NO PARKING!

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. BUT WHERE...

>> WHERE DO YOU PARK?!

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: IT'S TIME TO PLAYESCAPE FROM THE UNCHARTED ZONE.

ESCAPE FROM THE UNCHARTED ZONE.

(CHEERING)ALL RIGHT, GUYS, BUCKLE YOUR

CRAZY BELTS, BECAUSE WE'RETAKING ANOTHER TRIP TO THE

UNCHARTED ZONE.

A FLORIDA-BASED PRODUCTIONCOMPANY THAT MAKES MUSIC VIDEOS

FOR AMATEUR ARTISTS USING ONLY AGREEN SCREEN, A CAMCORDER AND,

UH, BASICALLY EVERYTHING YOURDAD HAD IN THE '80S IS WHERE

THEIR TECHNOLOGY CUTS OFF.

SO I'M GONNA SHOW YOU A VIDEOFROM THEIR YOUTUBE CHANNEL.

FOR 250 POINTS, YOU HAVE TO TELLME THE NAME OF THE ALBUM THAT

IT'S PROBABLY FROM, OKAY?

FIRST ONE, LOOK AT THISBEACHCOMBER!

>> ♪ NEVER SEEN YOU...

TAN AND THINBUT YOU KNOW I DO... ♪

>> HARDWICK: EW.

(AUDIENCE GROANING, SHOUTING)EMILY.

>> THAT'S FROM THE "OH,STEPFATHER, WHERE ART THOU"

SOUNDTRACK.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

TIM?

>> SUNSET-XUAL ASSAULT?

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

MM-HMM, MM-HMM.

>> SUNSET-XUAL. SET-XUAL.

SUNSET-XUAL.

>> HARDWICK: RHYS.

>> UH, I THINK I KNOW THIS ONE.

YES.

(LAUGHTER)EMBARRASSINGLY, I'VE GOT IT.

UH, IT'S THE RESTRAINING ORDERVIOLATION SHUFFLE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SO THEY JUST...

PUT "SHUFFLE" ON THE END.

YEAH, OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS YOUNG LADY SUFFERING FROMSOMETHING CALLED THE ITCH.

>> ♪ YOU GAVE MEYOU GAVE ME THE ITCH

♪ ♪ YOU GAVE ME THE ITCH...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEAH, THE STRIP

CLUB OPENS AT 4:00, BUT IF YOUWANT TO BRING YOUR CHICK OVER,

SHE COULD SHOOT A FUCKIN' VIDEO.

(LAUGHTER)BEFORE WE OPEN UP.

YES, TIM.

>> UH, IS THAT, UM, SONGS IN THEKEY OF LICE?

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: I-I THINK IT MIGHT

BE, YEAH.

>> BY PUBIC ENEMY?

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

POINTS.

EMILY.

>> UH, IT'S FROM THE CHRONICYEAST INFECTION.

>> HARDWICK: YES. POINTS.

>> SOMETHING... SOMETHING TELLSME ANYONE WHO TOUCHES THAT POLE

IS GONNA GET THE ITCH ALSO.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: YEP.

THAT POLE, UH... THAT SMELLSLIKE POOP AND SADNESS, PROBABLY.

(LAUGHTER)RHYS.

>> I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN THERE.

(LAUGHTER)NOT THE PLACE.

(LAUGHTER)I'M SORRY.

UH, THIS ALBUM'S CALLED "DON'TGIVE AUNTIE JOCELYN ANOTHER

CHARDONNAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE-- NOW, IF YOU'REFAMILIAR AT ALL WITH THIS, UH,

VIDEO PRODUCTION, YOU KNOW ONEOF THE MOST FAMOUS GUYS IS A GUY

NAMED MARK GORMLEY, WHO HAS ATON OF AMAZING VIDEOS ON THERE.

UH, HE LOOKS LIKE YOUR UNCLE.

AND THIS IS A MARK GORMLEY DEEPCUT.

>> ♪ WHOA, ALL THAT YOU CANYOU SEE WHEN LOVE IS FREE IT

GROWS TO BE MORE THAN JUST A♪ FRIEND

SING MESING ME YOUR SONG ♪

>> HARDWICK: THE... THE FACEPART GOT PULLED UP-- HOW'S HE

BREATHING?

WHERE'S THE SOUND COMING FROM?

HE'S IN SPACE.

(BELL DINGS)YES, RHYS.

>> THIS IS OBVIOUS.

UH, MEET ME UNDER THE PIER, I'LLTAKE YOU TO THE MOON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

THIS FORE-STEPFATHER, FOR LACKOF A BETTER...

>> ♪ FIGHT THE CAUSE OF LIBERTYWE'RE THE LAND OF THE FREE

>> ♪ LET FREEDOM RING >> ♪ BECAUSE OF YOUR GRACE

>> ♪ LET FREEDOM RING (BELL DINGS)

>> HARDWICK: A FITTING TRIBUTETO THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL THAT...

IS JUST ON THIS SIDE OF THE...

LINCOLN'S HAVING TO WATCH THATHAPPEN.

TIM MINCHIN.

>> IS THAT RECORD "FIGHT FORYOUR RIGHT TO TEA PARTY"?

>> HARDWICK: OH, YES!

POINTS.

>> POLITICAL.

RIGHT... I DON'T REALLYUNDERSTAND...

>> HARDWICK: RHYS.

>> WE HAVE NO STAMPS ON OURPASSPORTS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

>> LOOK AT THAT LENGTH OF...

THAT LENGTH OF SHIRT ON THE MAINGUY-- THAT LENGTH OF SHIRT IS

NEVER ON A... NORMAL PERSON.

>> HARDWICK: NO.

>> THERE'S LOTS OF REASONS YOUHAVE THAT LENGTH OF SHIRT AND

NONE OF 'EM ARE GOOD.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK...

I THINK HE... THIS GUY COULDJUST BE ALL TORSO.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST LIKE...

TORSO, TORSO, TORSO, DICK, FEET.

LIKE IT'S... IT'S VERY...

IT'S JUST MOSTLY...

THAT'S PROBABLY WHY.

LAST ONE: THIS MYSTERIOUSTROUBADOUR.

>> ♪ MASKS ARE ALL BEHIND OUREYES

MASKS ARE ALL BEHIND OUR LIVES ♪(BELL DINGS)

>> HARDWICK: (GROANS)EMILY.

>> UH, "SONGS IN THE KEY OF 15TO LIFE."

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

>> AH.

>> HARDWICK: TIM.

>> UM... I DON'T KNOW THE ALBUMNAME, BUT IS THAT, UH, JIMMY

SUBTLE AND THE METAPHORS?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YES.

YOU SEE, BECAUSE SOMETIMES WHENWE PUT MASKS ON, WE'RE REALLY

TAKING THEM OFF.

>> OH, I THINK SO.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH.

>> I THINK... I DON'T KNOW WHATYOU JUST SAID, BUT I THINK...

I THINK THERE'S A... THERE'S ADEEP SORT OF DEEPAK CHOPRA-ISH

TRUTH IN THAT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH, ALITTLE.

RHYS.

>> SLIPKNOT GOES SOLO.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,TATSCREWED.

TATSCREWED.

IF YOU GET A TATTOO, YOU HAVE TOBE PREPARED TO LIVE WITH IT

FOREVER.

UH, IT'S NOT GONNA COME OFF.

THEY HAVE TO BURN IT OFF WITHLASERS AND IT FUCKING HURTS, I'M

TOLD.

BUT THANKS TO THEPERFECTLY-NAMED FUCK NO BAD

TATTOOS TUMBLR, WE LEARNED THATSOME OF THE PEOPLE WHO CHOSE TO

GET TATTOOS HAVE VERY POORJUDGMENT.

COMEDIANS, I'LL DESCRIBE TWOAWFUL TATTOOS AND FOR 250 POINTS

YOU LET ME KNOW WHICH ONE YOUTHINK IS REAL.

OKAY, FIRST ONE: DONKEY KONGSWINGING OFF A MAN'S NIPPLE OR

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG RUNNING INTOA GUY'S BUTT CRACK.

(BELL DINGS)(IMITATES TRILLING)

EMILY.

>> IT IS DEFINITELY SONIC THEHEDGEHOG RUNNING INTO A GUY'S

BUTT CRACK, 'CAUSE THAT'S MYDAD.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

LET'S FIND OUT.

NO, DONKEY KONG.

>> AWESOME.

>> HARDWICK: SWINGING OFF AMAN'S NIPPLE.

>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

I'LL GET THAT.

>> YEAH.

>> DO I...

>> AND I'D GET THE MONKEY ASWELL, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE: KNUCKLE TATTOO SPELLING OUT

"SORRY MOM" OR A TRAMP STAMPREADING "I HATE YOU DAD".

(BELL DINGS)TIM.

>> I THINK THE SECOND ONE IS SOSITTING ON THE EDGE OF SOMETHING

THAT YOU WOULDN'T SAY ON TELLYTHAT IT HAS TO BE THE FIRST ONE.

>> YEAH.

>> (SOUNDS OUT):S-O-R-R-Y-M-O-M, SORRY MOM.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S FINDOUT.

LET'S FIND OUT.

SORRY MOM.

>> YEAH.

GETTING...

>> HARDWICK: I FEEL BAD FOR THEGUY THAT'S GET AN HJ WITH "MOM"

ON THE HAND.

COULD YOU USE THE...

UH, ACTUALLY, SORRY'S NOT ANYBETTER, I JUST...

JUST SKIP THIS.

I'LL DO IT.

>> BUT ACT... BUT ACTUALLY, THATHAS "Y MOM" ON IT.

>> IT'S "Y MOM."

>> WHY, MOM?

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS FOR TIMMINCHIN.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

A LOWER BACK TATTOO THAT SAYS"ASS: IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER" OR

AN ABOVE THE BREAST TATTOO THATSAYS "STOP STARING BITCHES."

>> S... "STOP STARRING"?

>> "STOP STARRING."

>> HARDWICK: WELL, OKAY, WE'LLGET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

(BELL DINGS)>> YES, EMILY.

>> AN ABOVE THE BREAST TATTOOTHAT SAYS "STOP STARRING

BITCHES."

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S FINDOUT.

YES, SO IT DOES...

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: ...SAY.

>> THAT IS SUCH A BAD IDEA.

OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: NOW, I...

I LIKE TO THINK THAT THESE EYESARE JUDGING YOU FOR BAD

SPELLING.

BUT...

>> DOES THIS TURN YOU ON?

>> HOLD ON, WHAT ARE WE LOOKINGAT?

THE-THE NIPPLES ARE BELOW THESHIRT LINE, AREN'T THEY?

>> HARDWICK: I THINK THE NIPPLESARE VERY BELOW THE SHIRT LINE.

>> LISTEN, EVERYONE-EVERYONEKNOWS...

>> WAIT.

ARE THE EYES ON THE NIPPLE?

>> NO.

>> HARDWICK: NO, NO, NO.

>> EVERYONE KNOWS THE NIPPLESARE THE EYES.

THAT'S WEIRD.

>> HARDWICK: STOP STARRING,BITCHES.

STOP STARRING.

>> AND WHAT IS... WHAT'S STAR...

HOW DOES ONE STAR?

AND-AND IS IT EXCLUSIVELY...

>> HARDWICK: UH, I'LL TELL YOUWHAT, I WOULD GIVE THAT ONE

STAR.

THAT'S HOW YOU... THAT'S HOW YOUONE-STAR.

NEXT ONE: FRED DURST'S HEADABOVE TWO CROSSED RIFLES OR DAVE

MATTHEWS NUDE ON HORSEBACK.

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: (IMITATING DAVE

MATTHEWS): ♪ RIDIN' ALONG ON AHORSEBACK. ♪

>> YEAH, IT'S DEFINITELY DAVEMATTHEWS NUDE ON HORSEBACK.

>> HARDWICK: YOU THINK SO?

OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.

>> HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> IS... OH.

RIGHT.

>> THAT-THAT'S A SHAME.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

(LAUGHING)>> WILD GUESS-- THEY GOT THIS

TATTOO FOR THE NOOKIE.

>> HARDWICK: REALLY? BECAUSE ITHINK THAT TATTOO WOULD CREATE A

LIMP BIZKIT.

>> I... I WAS CONFUSED BY THEQUESTION, I THINK IT'S UNFAIR,

'CAUSE I... IT WASN'T CLEAR IFTHE SECOND ONE WAS DAVE MATTHEWS

NUDE TATTOOED ON A HORSE'S BACK.

WAS IT A... WAS IT A...

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, NO, YOU'RERIGHT.

>> WAS IT A BESOTTED HORSE?

>> HARDWICK: IT WAS...

IT WAS LITTLE UNCLEAR IN THEPRESENTATION, BUT UNFORTUNATELY

>> IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE, DOES IT?

'CAUSE IT WASN'T.

>> HARDWICK: IT REALLY DOESN'T.

BECAUSE RIGHT NOW WHATEVERYONE'S THINKING IS I DON'T

CARE WHICH ONE IT WAS, I JUSTWISH IT WAS NOT THIS ONE.

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: UH, ALL RIGHT, LASTONE: MATCHING THIGH TATTOOS OF

OBAMA AND BIN LADEN OR ADESPICABLE ME ASS TATTOO.

(BELL DINGS)TIM.

>> OH, PLEASE LET IT BE THEFIRST ONE, BUT IT'S THE S...

BUT IT'S THE SECOND ONE.

>> HARDWICK: YOU THINK IT'S THESECOND ONE?

>> YEAH, OH, OH, GOD.

OH, I'M SORRY, I'M SO NERVOUS.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT.

>> WE... WE GOT TO...

>> HARDWICK: BUT... I JUST...

JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU WHATCOUNTRY YOU'RE IN.

SHOW US.

>> NO!

>> OH!

>> OH, HO, HO!

OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: NO.

NO.

I KNOW, IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> HARDWICK: I KNOW, I KNOW,SAME... COME HERE, I KNOW, I'M

SORRY, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, TIM.

>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHATTHEY'RE TRYING... IT'S GOOD.

PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE MORE NUANCEDVIEWS THESE DAYS.

SOMETIMES.

>> I GOT A GREEN CARD FOR THIS?

>> HARDWICK: WELL, I KNOW.

>> I'M NOT STAYING HERE.

>> HARDWICK: I'M SORRY.

IT'S TIME FOR DRUMMER UNWANTED.

DRUMMER UNWANTED.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)THE MUSICIANS SECTION OF

CRAIGSLIST IS AN AMAZING CROSSSECTION OF PEOPLE POSTING ADS

LOOKING FOR A JAM LIKE"PONY-TAILED GUITARIST SEEKS

OTHER BURNOUT DADS" OR "BLACKFEMALE SCREAMO RAPPER SEEKS

SAME."

COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TO COME UPWITH AS MANY BAD MUSICIAN ADS

THAT WOULD NEVER GET YOU INVITEDINTO THE BAND.

60 SECONDS. AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS)YES, EMILY.

>> UH, LEAD SINGER OF KORN SEEKSOTHER MEMBERS OF KORN.

I'M AT THE FOOD COURT.

WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)TIM.

>> HEADLINER AT KNOTFEST LOOKINGFOR GUITARIST AND CAMEL

WRANGLER.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)RHYS.

>> HELP WANTED.

TRAPPED IN GUITAR CENTER.

FOOT CAUGHT IN FRENCH HORN.

CAN'T ELABORATE.

RUNNING OUT OF AIR!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)EMILY.

>> ROOF SEEKS FIDDLER FORPARTICIPATION IN METAPHOR ABOUT

TRADITION/JEWISH LIFE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS!

(BUZZER SOUNDS)