Bender's Big Score Pt. 1

  • Season 5, Ep 1
  • 03/23/2008

Bender undergoes mind control by Planet Express' new owners, and Leela meets the man of her dreams.

[dramatic music playing]

♪ ♪

[owl hooting]

Hermes: Planet Express Delivery Company roll call:

Captain Turanga Leela.


Delivery Boy First Class Philip J. Fry.


Assistant Manager of Sales, Bender Bending Rodriquez.

Here![all grunting]

Cerveza, por favor.

Long-Term Intern Amy Wong.



Company Physician Dr. John A. Zoidberg.

Oh, I thought it was mine.

Bureaucrat grade 34 Hermes Conrad...

Is who I am.

And now I am proud to present

the owner and founderof Planet Express,

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth.

You're all fired.

[all gasping]Sweet Bongo of the Congo!

In fact,you were fired two years ago.

That's when we were shut downby the delivery network.

[electrical crackling]

Yes, I'm afraid the brainless drones who run the network

canceled our license.

[babbling gibberish]

We were canceled?

Oh, it's terrible,just terrible.

Well, clear out your desksand move along.




I see.

Good news, everyone!

Those asinine moronswho canceled us

were themselves firedfor incompetence.

[whooping and cheering]

And not just fired but beatenup too and pretty badly.

[cheering halfheartedly]

In fact, most of them diedfrom their injuries.

[nervous muttering,clearing throats]


And then they were ground upinto a fine pink powder.


Oh, it's gota million and one uses.

Ah, that soothes the fire.

So what does this mean for usand our many fans?

It means we're back on the air!

Yes, flying on the airin our mighty spaceship.

[whooping and cheering]

We're back, baby!



[cries out]

[loud crash]




[all chanting]Go, go, go!

Lower, lawn mower!

What's the matter, robot,you got a rod up your spine?

Yes, I do.

That's how I'm built.

[cheering]Way to bend it!

You're the greatest,Bender!

[scoffs]In Jamaica,

we got ten-story officebuildings lower than that.

Let's see you beat it,Rasta man.

all: Ohh.

Let's make it interesting.

Fetch down one of them sabers.

Bender:Ooh, flexible.

That would go goodup my spine.

[record scratches]

[steel drum versionof Sabre Dance playing]


[all exclaiming]

The fat guy wins!

Go, Hermes! [cheering]

That's why they call me11-inch Conrad.


[all gasping]Scruffy:Oh, no.

[crashing, music stops]

[squishing sound]

Can you save Hermes,Dr. Goodensexy?

I told you my nameis Dr. Cahill.

Figures I'd get mangled whilethe blonde bimbo's on duty.

I'm a doctor, sir.

The mere fact that I'm blondeand have a breathy voice,

full sensual lips,and a steaming-hot body

doesn't make me a bimbo.

Tell me about it.

I think we've all learneda thing or two

about sexual stereotypes,

while my head's slowly dying

'cause I'm not in a jar yet,you bimbo!

Oh. Right.


Lars, got another jar job.

[doors whooshing]

Oh, sorry, Doctor.

I was disinfectingCourtney Love--

Oh, hello.

What are you looking at?

Is it the eye?

Guilty as charged.

It's a nice-looking eye,and there's plenty of it.


Do I know you?

Apparently not.

Hi. I'm Lars.

I'm Leela.

Nice to meet you.Nice to be met.

[both laugh]

Pick up ladies on your own time,you shiny-headed goat.

Sir, you're justa little enraged

'cause you're dying.

Up and away.

Lars is soflirting with you.

He is so not.

He's just being polite.

Who does he think he is,being polite to you?

You want me to beat him up?


Stop beingso immature.

I'll show her who's immature.

Charles "D. Gowel"?

Never heard of you.

[in French accent]I freed Francefrom the Nazis and..

[cries out]

Fry: [in French accent]Hey, Leela.

I'm some French guy.

Rock thatFrenchman, baby!

[doors whooshing]

Oh, my poor little love pirateof the Caribbean.


There, there, wife.

Everythingwill be all--

Okay, look, Hermes,we got to think of the boy.

He needs a daddy.

He has a daddy.

No, he got two half-daddies.

Will his body be all right?

Yes, but it maytake a few days.

Nuh-uh,not soon enough.

Come, Dwight, let's find youa handsome new father.

LaBarbara, no!


It's okay, Hermes.

We're all here for you.

Good news, everyone.

We've got a deliveryto the Nude Beach Planet.


So long, jerk.

male announcer: Futuramais brought to you

by Torgo'sExecutive Powder.

Only Torgo's packs the power

of five highly paidtelevision executives

into every canfor maximum odor absorption.

[toilet flushing]

♪ When your toilet smellslike feces ♪

♪ From some disgusting species ♪

♪ Make it take a powderwith Torgo's ♪

[engine rumbling]

Ah, it feels greatto be back at the wheel

after two long years.

Uh, that's notthe wheel.

[deep rumbling]

[terrified screaming]

[screaming stops]


Leela: It's nice out.

[waves gently splashing]

"You must beat least this naked"?

How much nakeder could you be?

Watch and learn.



[making silly sounds]


[waves gently splashing]


You know, it's funny.

What?Your wiener!


Well, I'm goingin the water

to prune up a bitbefore I strut.

Who's with me?

I'm in.Okay, I'll go.

You guys go ahead.

I got to find the bartender

and deliver this boxof barstool softener.

Here's your package, sir.

Why are you talkingto my penis?

Oh, sorry.Sign here.

Mind if I use your pen?

Well, that's not a--


And initial here.


Thank you for usingPlanet Express.

Hey, Fry, I didn't know

you had a tattooof Bender on your ass.

Me, neither.

You got a tattooof me?

Neat. It's like lookingin a smelly mirror.

So he's got a little ink.

Big whoop.

[mechanical whirring]

Ah, sweet photons.

I don't know if you're wavesor particles,

but you go down smooth.

Sir, would you careto sign our petition?

Eh, I support and opposemany things

but not strongly enoughto pick up a pen.

That's just what the guys

who oppose the thingsyou support want you to do.


Down with those guys!

And, uh, we'll, uh,

need your email address.

Hmm. They say you shouldn'tgive out your email address.

Right. That's just whatthose same guys say.

Them again?

[purring snores]

I don't quite understandwhat this petition is about.



And, uh, youremail address.

You won't send me any spam,will you?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[sotto voce]Asterisk.

You've got spam.

Spam, spam, junk.

Spam. Spam.

[gasps]"Hi. How are you?"

Ooh, that must be from Kiffy.

Hi, how are you?

Low, low prices onerectile dysfunction remedies,

sleeping pills,old-person drugs,

and antidepressants.


Hmm. Well, I certainlydon't want to get depressed.

man: Please entercredit card number.

Is cash okay?



Porn. Porn.[clicking]

Free porn.

Get rich watching porn?

Huh. I find thatrather hard to believe.

[alarm sounding]

"Warning! Perform virus scan?"

[blows raspberries] I'm waiting for porn over here.


Ooh, yeah, come on, baby.





[makes woozy noise]


Friends, friends.

His Majesty Prince AdisarakiO Zoidberg of Nigeria died.


When willthose antidepressants get here?

Wait, there's more.

Once I wiresome good-faith money

to an overseas bank account,

I'll inherit his kingdom, hiscanoe, and his plump young wife.

Hermes: You dumb stumps.

Don't you realizeyou're being scammed?

That is low, Hermes.

Just because you don't havea body,

you don't want anyone elseto be prince of Nigeria.

Well, try and stop mefrom wiring that money.


[both grunt]

What's going on here?

According to my illegalkeylogging software,

you've all been giving outpersonal information

over the internet.

If Hermes were here,he'd fire you all.

I am here.

Quiet, you.

In his absence,

I'm calling a mandatorycompany security seminar.

To the mandatorium!

Now, it's not hard to spota phony internet come-on.

"Get rich quick x7q"?


"Lose w8 with space parasites"?


What's this?

I've wonthe Spanish National Lottery?

No, it's a scam!

My goodness, I'm rich!

And to think I didn't even knowI had a ticket.

I just need to wire some collateral

to collect the winnings.

Professor, stop.

You're giving awaypersonal information.

I can afford to give awayanything I want.

I've wonthe Spanish National Lottery.

Stop!It's a scam!

Why won't anybodylisten to me?

And my mother's maiden nameand her bank account numbers


[dings]I'm rich. Rich.


[doorbell rings]

That must bemy $400 now.


Or should I say Buenos dias?

Hi. We own your company now.


Welcome, boss.

[puzzled murmuring]

[oscillating tone] Hmm, guess I was wrong.

There was a robotstupid enough

to downloadthe obedience virus.

I sure was.

Make a hole, chumps.

[all gasping]

[mouths trumpetfanfare]

Presentingour new masters.

[door whooshes]


Where shall I put theseauto-dialers, kind master?

Between the password crankand the spamjaculator.

Come on!

We've got a whole planetto scam.

And bring mesome more Gummi Fungus.

[chews loudly]

We don't haveto stand here

and take abusefrom a gross nerd.

all: Yeah!


[Bender and Leela grunt]


Now get back to work,you turkeys!

Planet Expressis still in business.

We've got craploadsof "merchandise" to deliver.

Ship 'em out,Your Highness.

Finally,some respect.

I feela little better.

Those marvelousscammers

sure scammed us, huh?

How can you just sit therekissing the aliens' buttflaps?

Don't you realize you aretotally under their control?

Of course I realize it.

Does that meanI can't enjoy it?


Boy, were we suckers.


Greetings, Earthlings.

Oh, hooray.

It's handsome Larsand his fabulous jars.

Hello, everyonewho isn't Leela.

And a special helloto everyone else.

[giggles shyly]

Shut your lockersand get to class.

How's my body doing?

Oh, I'm afraidit's behind schedule.

The museum got trickedinto giving all its funding

to something calledthe Scamming Sciences Institute.


It's a fake place.

No! That body's the cornerstoneof my marriage.

What's LeBarbara going to do?


She's gonna go backto her first husband.

Barbados Slim?

I love that guy.


Hermes: Everybody loves Slim.

He's the only manto ever win Olympic gold medals

in both limbo and sex.

Well, maybe I should get going.

Yes, I'll show you out.

No, Leela willshow him out.

No, Leela willshow you out.

Me. Leela.

So, uh,your friend Fry seems nice.

Are you and he dating?Nope.

Good, because I wasmaybe thinking

of asking you outfor dinner.


I'll start maybe thinkingabout saying, "Sure, when?"

Let me maybe give itsome thought.

[both chuckle shyly]

Tomorrow at 8:00?Okay.

It's no fair.

I've loved Leela since theday I came to the future.

Did I show you the macaroniValentine I made for her?


Look at it again.

I know she thinksI'm immature,

but someday I won't be,

and deep down in my heart,I know we'll end up together.

It's all therein the macaroni.

Lars askedme out.

[all sniffing]

What are you doing,wonderful masters?

Sprunjing for information.


[sniffing frantically]

[moaning pleasurably]


Hmm, there's something here.

I can sprunje it.

Robot, tear it open!

Goody, goody,goody, goody, goody.


[sniffs deeply,moans pleasurably]

What's that thingon your neck?

Checking outmy sprunjer, huh?

I guess.

What does it do?

It's a special sense organour species possesses.

It engorgesin the presence of...

[sniffs,moans pleasurably]


Lucky you.

All I have is a gland

that gives off foul odorswhen I'm bored.


[all sniffing]

all: Ugh!


Hey, look, a safe!

That's my safe.

I call keep-offsies.

No callsies!Open it!




It's a gold mine:

tax forms,Social Security cards.


Combination hair, blood,and stool samples.

[all moaning pleasurably]

I don't get it.How can you say Lars

is more mature than me? Well...

for one thing, his checkbookdoesn't have The Hulk on it.

[sniffingand moaning]

Who are you?

Philip J. Fry.

Social Securitynumber 0328-0810?

Stool typeP-negative?

That's right.

I've never detectedso much information before.

I think it may bea level 87 code.


Level 87?

Can it be?

I thought it wasonly a legend,

but the sprunjernever lies.


[grunting]It's in his pants.

What the hellare you talking about?

[all sniffing excitedly]

Faster, faster!

I'm science-ingas fast as I can.

[beeps, whirring]

What do you say, folks,hot or not?



[all gasp]

You, Boogerbot, read the code,or I'll shoot this guy.

Who the hell is he?

I'm Scruffythe janitor.

Hang on, Scruffy.

"Zero, zero, one, one,zero, zero, zero,

"one, zero, zero, one, zero,zero, one, one, one, one, zero,

"one, zero, zero, zero, zero,one, one, zero, one, one, zero,

one, one, one,zero, zero, one, one."


[pulsating tones]

[bangs loudly]


A time sphere.

Naked brothers,we have sprunjed

upon the universal machinelanguage time code--

the key to time travel!

[all gasp]

What's the secret of timetravel doing on Fry's ass?

It was boundto be somewhere.

Beyond this shimmeringportal lie

all the gloriesof history.

And we cansteal them.

We just go to thepast and take stuff

with oursuperior weapons.

[all cackling]

Stop, you fools.

[gasps and shocked reactions]

Nibbler, y-you can talk?

I can do morethan talk.

I can pontificate.

You must not usethe Code of Codes.

With each and every use,

you risk tearingthe universe asunder.

The poodle-monkeymay be right.

The legend warns that the codeis powerful and dangerous.

My God.

We'd better use itonly three or four times,

six, max.

But even a single usecould shatter the universe.

Got it.Two or three times.

I see I have no choice.

Nibblonians, attack!

[all gasp]

[grunting, laughing]

Hey!That tickles.

[Amy and Leela gasping]

[all grunting]

And the pitch...


Mayday, mayday!

[alarm sounding]


[all grunting]

Hey! Hey! Hey!




Alas, our kitten-classattack ships

were no matchfor their mighty chairs.

The universe is doomed.


Can I pull upmy pants now?